This last few weeks has been difficult, at times I didn't even have words to describe what I was feeling. Writing was difficult because I didn't want come across as whining or complaining but honestly, I couldn't really put my thoughts together anyways. I would sit down at the computer and stare at the blank page. All I could think about was how horny I was...every minute of every day.
I've been denied for periods of time, usually a week or so. But apparently, being denied to this extent, makes me painfully aware of my how my sexual appetite has developed. I find myself extremely regretful for the years I regularly turned down His advances while claiming that I just didn't need it like He did.
After 3 long weeks, I am happy to say that my dry spell thankfully "came" to an end this weekend. Master did enjoy the use of my mouth almost daily throughout those three weeks but there was no sex, no masturbation, and absolutely no orgasms allowed for me. The punishment aspect of my denial ended after 2 weeks, but as my luck typically goes, aunt flo made her untimely appearance extending my time without sex by yet another week.
Now that I can actually think with a clear head again, I look back on the weeks and how they unfolded. My emotions completely ran amok and then somehow a sense of peace and clarity took over.
The first week, I was on edge, extremely moody, and prone to tears very easily. I can only speculate that perhaps it was too soon for this type of punishment after our recent hotel experience. Master did provide excellent reassurance and aftercare that day but I think maybe taking away intimacy just days after such an intense experience, left me feeling extremely vulnerable and worried there might be something wrong on a deeper level.
Throughout the second week I was at height of PMS. It was a constant challenge to keep my myself in check. My emotions ranged from complete insecurity with myself ...to hurting so bad I couldn't bear to talk about it...to being pissed because if I did talk about it, He would surely find a way to make me wish I hadn't...to thinking that maybe I wasn't meant for this lifestyle. The rational part of me kept reminding the irrational part of me that these were all temporary feelings driven by hormones, so I decided it best to work through it with as much dignity as I could muster. Who am I kidding though? My facade never fools Master, not even for a minute. He knew I wanted to crack!
At the start of the third week, I did feel better when He admitted His own frustrations at not being able to have me. With a sarcastic chuckle, I thought to myself "REALLY!...He has a lot of nerve complaining about His frustration when He's getting His dick sucked almost every day".
Then my outlook started to change sometime during that third week. I guess maybe it could have been that the PMS had passed or maybe I was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But I really think it was something more. I started to feel a shift or transformation taking place in my attitude. Frustration and self doubt was somehow replaced with acceptance and empowerment. I stopped thinking every minute of the day on my own needs of pleasure. Yes...every fiber in my being was still on fire with lust, but that lust was now a desire to please only Him. On the days that I sucked His cock, it was no longer because I had to. It was because I wanted to more than anything else. My desire for intimacy was being fulfilled by meeting His needs. I found myself craving to be on my knees, proving my dedication to Him, worshiping Him, tasting Him, devouring Him in a way that I don't remember feeling before.
I think Master might have even been a little pleasantly surprised!
Now, let's just see if I can keep myself out of trouble because as much as I learned from the experience, I am not hoping for a repeat anytime soon (or ever) if I can help it!