What It Was

Looking back, I really hate that I spent so many years complaining about sex.  I was always too tired, too this, too that.  Sex was something that should be on my schedule, when I wanted it, and dammit He should respect that!   

All the while, there was this wonderful man that loved me more than life itself and He "wanted" me.  In return, I made Him feel bad for that by complaining constantly and pushing Him away. 

Don't even get me started on how vehemently I hated blowjobs.  The fights we had over this were quite ridiculous.  Oh my gosh!  I even remember challenging Him on several occasions to show me a woman who enjoyed sucking cock after being married as long as we had.  "And if you can find her...be my guest", I would spew.  Glad He didn't take me up on that challenge! 

Wow!  How wrong I was in so many ways.  

The problem though was years of conditioning and listening to jaded people, not just as it related to sex but with all aspects of a relationship.  Rather than finding my own way and determining what worked for my marriage, I chose to become jaded myself.

The woman had to maintain control of the relationship...

The woman had to run the family and everything else because you couldn't expect a man to do it, much less do it right...

...bottom line...you couldn't TRUST a man.

Sadly, I look at all those examples I had in my life, and I see now what became or has now become of their marriages.  And maybe those circumstances were unavoidable in their lives, I don't know.

I never would have thought I wanted this life.  Even when I committed to it, I wasn't convinced it was for me and I definitely didn't think it was something I could maintain.

Well, it's been exactly two years now and yes, we've had our fair share of ups and downs.  Sometimes it's been out of this world amazing and sometimes it's just been hard as hell.  But honestly, I can't imagine it ever going back to the way it was.

No longer do I live with that jaded view of life and relationships.  Thankfully, I know now that it can be so much better than that!