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Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Sometimes, There Just Isn't a Title


While my last couple of posts have been pretty light-hearted, this one I assure you will not be.  I've been sitting on this one for a couple days, trying to decide whether to hit the publish button.  So, if you are looking for something funny or sexy, well...let's just say you've been warned.

I read something the other day that really resonated with me and I realized that while I've shared alot about my life here in my blog, there is one big thing I've been avoiding.

I'm not sure if I felt like I couldn't share it, or that people would think it's too heavy of a subject.  Maybe it's just that I wasn't quite ready to open myself up that much.  But it's a part of my life with Heron, a piece of my puzzle so to speak, perhaps even the biggest piece. And it will shed some light as to why letting go of control for so many years was difficult to say the least.

Heron and I met back in college.  He was a little bit older than myself and was coming out of a bad marriage having custody of His young son, and I was in a not so great relationship with someone else.  My boyfriend at that time didn't treat me horribly, but he was extremely controlling, probably more along the lines of domineering, and I knew I wasn't in love with him. 

The attraction between Heron and I was immediate and intense so I tried to keep my distance.  This worked for couple of months because Heron wasn't a very pushy guy back then:)

As things continued to deteriorate with my boyfriend, I began to let my guard down with Heron.  We started talking, spending time in the student center after classes and eventually the attraction to Him was too great to not explore further.  I was only 20 years old after all and didn't want to risk missing out on what could very well be the love of my life.

So I ended things with my boyfriend.  I knew he wouldn't take it well but was in no way prepared for how much my life was about to change.

I'm not going to get into all the details, but the ex showed up at my house a week after our break-up.  It was clear that he somehow knew I was interested in someone else but he wanted me back.  After explaining that wasn't possible, things turned very bad, very quickly and I found myself staring down the end of a loaded gun begging for my life, only in the end, to watch him take his own.

In one short hour of my life, every bit of innocence and safety I ever felt in this world had been shattered.  So much had been taken away from me and while I was beyond thankful to be the one still alive, the lack of control and fear experienced in those moments would haunt me for years.

At that point, Heron and I had only been on one date and I just knew that my instant emotional baggage would be way too much for Him to take on, especially with a child.  I remember telling Him that I understood if He needed to move on because I was likely to be a mess for quite a while. But His devotion never wavered.  When the images of that night kept me from closing my eyes, He stroked my face until I could fall asleep.  When I cried, He held me.  When I needed to talk, He listened.  And when the rage in me lashed out, He understood the place it came from and loved me anyways.

He did so much for me, but the one thing He couldn't do was to have any semblance of control over me.  Between the controlling environment of my childhood and the experience of that night, I vowed to never allow anyone that part of me. My views on life became pretty jaded.  And it was that pain that influenced many of my actions and poor decisions in the early years of our relationship and marriage. 

Looking back, it's obvious that I didn't realize just how much I was suffering because my tendency is to deal with things by burying them.  

But going back for a moment...to the writing that inspired this post...what I identified with the most was the writers description of regaining that feeling of safety.  Heron spent years helping me put myself back together, making me feel safe again, and loving me despite how difficult of a person I was to love at times.  It was such a slow process but eventually the demons of my past began fading away but I still clung to the control I had grown accustomed to having.

It's sad to say, because I had no reason not to trust Him with every part of my being, but it took almost 20 years for me to finally let go of it all and really allow Him in.  That night so long ago had changed me.  Vulnerability was not something I wanted to experience, physically or emotionally, which is one of the reasons why submitting to Him would have been doomed to failure years ago.     

Heron is a big one for living in the moment so I try not to look back with regret but I hate that it took so long for my walls to finally come down.  I've had to just accept that our life experiences make us who we are, the good and the bad.



16 comments:

  1. Hi lg, that is just so tragic a thing to have occurred and I understand why it would be hard to talk about. You are so brave in sharing this. I hope that your healing continues. I am amazed at how much emotional turmoil people deal with in their lives and still function. We've had problems with our daughters’ mental health including self harm which challenged my core beliefs and left an indelible change on the way I live my life.

    Your deep attraction to Heron and your need for his control takes on so much more significance knowing this. Take care.

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    1. Thank you, DtBHC. I do believe that it takes on more significance for Heron as well because he knows the challenges I faced to get to the point where I could admit that I needed and wanted his control.

      I'm so very sorry to hear about your daughter. I'm sure that is extremely painful as a parent and hopefully she is getting better. Mine went through very disturbing panic attacks and that was bad enough. My thoughts are with you.

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  2. Hugs. I'm so proud of you! It may have taken years, but you have regained control of your life and are allowing yourself to enjoy it. It's not easy to share what you have. It's not easy to allow yourself the possibility of that pain by letting go.

    Hugs.

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    1. Hugs back to you HS:) And thank you!

      It wasn't easy to share but I'm glad that I could finally open up about it. I think it was just one final step, like you said in truly letting go and enjoying my life. It's not something that you can really just talk about openly. Talk about awkward...people just don't know what to say. LOL So I thought...well I come to my blog to process stuff...why not this?

      And you know...in writing my posts, I have no problem talking about the sex or scenes but the emotional stuff, I really struggle and I think this experience is part of the reason why.

      xx

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  3. Hi there lg

    I'm not anonymous, I'm Blackbird but couldn't find how to comment at such! Ronnie Soul had your blog mentioned on her site and so I came by. What a moment to read about your life! You are really brave to have come through all that doubt about opening up to Heron. It's extremely moving. Trust is so very hard after a trauma.

    All the best
    BBxx

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    1. Hi Blackbird! Thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time to leave such kind words. And wow, what a post for your first visit here. I promise they are not all that dark:) I hope you like it here and will continue to visit.

      Hugsxx

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  4. Our traumas are very different, but I can relate to so much of what you've said...I relate to the residual.

    I want to say more and I really want to give you a hug, alas I cannot do either, but know that I think you are both amazing for making it through such a horrible experience together. It is beauty born from ashes.

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    1. Misty, I'm glad that you can relate but not glad for whatever happened in your life that caused that.

      You know I am always an email away if you ever want to talk about it. I know you are kind of taking a break from blogging but know that I miss you.

      xx

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    2. Oh my goodness, this is so raw. Thank you for sharing. I can't imagine how hard it was for you, back then and now. Hugs.

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    3. I'm glad that I could finally share it. It was something that I have tried to do since I first started my blog...you know to give a complete perspective and history but just couldn't do it. Thanks for all your support:)

      xx

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  5. Thank you for sharing! At this stage of our dynamic it's so nice to feel normal haha...to know that what we do and how we live isn't all fantasy. ..I believe we all have our own trauma that shapes us...and to know we got where we are and not only survived but are healing and thriving is so amazing! Keep it up Lg!

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    1. Thank you slave guenivere!! And you are absolutely right...I have really learned over the years that we all have our own crossed to bear. Yet another example of how submission doesn't mean we are weak...it's actually quite the opposite:)

      Hugs to you xx

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  6. lg,
    I have started this comment 5 different ways and none seem to impart the respect and caring I want to send your way.

    Thank you for hitting publish.

    I think that as bloggers we sometimes forget that there are decades of hardships and joys that we will never know about our blogland friends- this space mostly does not allow for that. With just knowing this about you- I can't believe it ONLY took you 20 years to let someone in. That is a heavy burden- too much for one heart- I am happy for you that you do have Heron to carry that load with, and for, you.

    A sincere thank you for sharing this with us.

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    1. Pearl, Thank you so much. You have no idea how much that means.

      I know exactly what you are talking about too. When I read the blogger's post that prompted me to write this, I had to go back to her blog several times over a couple days trying to find the words to comment and each time I tried...I was completely shaken. That's when I knew it was time for me to get it off my own chest.

      And I don't think it was just about me learning to let Heron in. I think it's been as much about letting other people in too:)

      I'm thankful for all the support you and everyone has shown. I was really worried that it might have just been too much information.

      xx Hugs

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  7. Wow. I bet that was hard to write. I wish that nobody ever experienced that. I'm close to someone who had a similar experience and it changed his life, too. Congratulations for working through it. You go, girl.

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    1. Thank you, my friend. It was hard to write. The whole time, I felt like my heart was going to thump out of my chest. I'm so sorry to hear that you know someone who shares a similar experience. You are right, no one should have to experience that.

      So glad to see you here;-)

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