Last week, I decided to gently broach a topic with Master that had been on my mind for a little while. While our D/s dynamic is still intact, the BDSM aspect of our relationship has sadly almost ceased to exist. Now, our life is definitely busy and we have little to no privacy, so logically I know these things are partly to blame. But I have begun to feel as if feeding His sadistic "beast" is not a pressing need for Him like it once was.
We were out for a walk the other day and I asked Him if inflicting pain was a need for Him anymore and was kind of caught off guard by His response. He said that He still enjoys it to an extent but with our life the way it is right now, His hunger in that regard is somewhat diminished. I can't remember His exact words but He also mentioned something to the effect of...everything He wanted to do to my body has now been done and admitted that His needs are now manifesting in other ways, such as furthering my public humiliation and having me service, and be used, by others. For Him...this would be my ultimate submission. Gulp...
It's not like I didn't know this time would come. He never pushed the issue but it's something He made me well aware of from the beginning. I just can't be sure that I am in the same place He is at the moment. Hell, I don't know if I will ever be there mentally. Ultimately, I have committed to trust in His decisions and obey; however, I still find myself worrying about where that road will lead us for a variety of reasons.
Up to this point, offering my body to Him was by far the biggest and hardest step in my surrender. Even though there are plenty of times I don't necessarily like the pain in the moment, I worked hard to let go and find connection, intimacy, and even pleasure in these experiences. Now, I am conditioned to it and crave it. Since it is not so much a part of our daily life, I find myself deeply missing that connection with Him.
Is it possible that I can find the same connection with Him by being humiliated and submitting to servicing others? I don't know...I just wish the mental tug of war in my head would stop. What I do know, is it may not be today or tomorrow but the time is coming and I have to find a way to be at peace with it.
I wish I could give some advice! But I can appreciate the dilemma.
ReplyDeleteThanks Misty. I am not too sure if I would have any advice fire sometime I'm my dilemma either:)
Deletexo
It sounds like sharing you would be more about his need to humiliate you more than any kind of connection you would have with him from the actual act. I think the connection may come afterwards due to the depth of submission something like that will require. I think as we go on these journeys the thought of "where will this end" or "what next" will always be with us as things only naturally evolve. Eventually there will be a point that one party or the other will just not be willing to cross. I'm thinking about you sweet heart. Keep your chin up :)
ReplyDelete~K
Thank you K:) This post speed a good talk between us tonight. The comment you made about "what next" was actually one of my questions to him.
Deletexo
started not speed...damn phone!
DeleteI hope things work out for you both. This is what terrifies me. Hopefully things work out for you. Lots of love!
ReplyDeleteAwww....thank you. We will work through it one way or the other. We had a really good talk tonight so hopefully we are going to spend some more time working on us!
DeleteWow... That's the only thing I could think to say. My Dom does not humiliate. We do however enjoy the company of others. I enjoy reading your blogs because you truly think things through before you leap. You are a smart, strong woman that I know will work out a mutual "happiness". Take care
ReplyDeleteI hate the humiliation. Well...I don't mind privately but I hate it publicly. The one thing I have to do is trust that my M will know when I am ready for a step such as this.
DeleteAnd I am so happy that you enjoy reading my ramblings:)
DeleteMy Master has had me perform oral sex on other men and woman before (its been years since the last time), i enjoyed the humiliation/objectification of it, but not actually doing it.....if that makes sense.
ReplyDeleteIts something i found very difficult and one scenario nearly caused us to split.....sometimes fantasies are best left as fantasies...but its really difficult to really know how one feels about it until its happenning.
Best of luck, if you do go down this route.
x
Tori,
DeleteThank you so much for your honesty and willingness to share your own experience. I feel a bit better after M and I talked a bit more about it last night. I will trust that He will know if and when we were ready to go down that road. It negatively affecting us is one of my biggest concerns. It's not worth risking a marriage over that's for sure.