Reading Between the Lines

The kids are out on Spring Break this week, so we made the long drive down to Florida last night.  This isn't going to be a long trip but hey...we are at the beach and I do have the whole week off work. YAY!!

Not being able to sleep late sure has it's advantages.  This morning, I snuck out of the room and sat  in the hotel breakfast area typing while everyone else kept snoozing away.  Me, my coffee, and my laptop is a nice way to start the day.  

So yesterday, we got a late start on our drive because I wanted to attend the local kinky book club meeting.  With our hectic schedules, it's not often that I get the opportunity to get out.  But being that I am much more of a social person, Heron is very generous and actually encourages me to engage in community events as often as possible.

The book for this month was a good one, a short and easy read I might say. And given some of the discussions we have had about my being used by others, I was quickly sucked into the plot when the main female character was loaned out by her owner to a friend for a week.

I purchased the digital copy and then was able to read the 2 sequels for free.

The Gift (or also called The Seven Day Loan) by Tiffany Reisz
http://www.tiffanyreisz.com/the-gift-seven-day-loan

Part 2 (free sequel)
http://www.tiffanyreisz.com/daniel-part-two

Part 3 (free sequel)
http://www.tiffanyreisz.com/a-christmas-maggie

I enjoyed this series. But what I really enjoy is getting together to discuss the books afterwards with like-minded people.  A handful of us met at a cute trendy restaurant in town and while we all come from different walks of the lifestyle, it's a great opportunity to share our own lifestyles without judgment.

At the meeting, I had the honor meeting an extremely intelligent and very nice woman who was  intrigued by the details of mine and Heron's dynamic.  Trying to wrap her head around the M/s aspect of our relationship, she had so many great questions and I enjoyed explained how our life works. 

The only problem is sometimes my brain doesn't work as fast on the spot as I would like it to.  I do much better once I've had a chance to reflect on questions and then I feel like I can do more justice to the explanation and maybe get more to the root of what someone was asking in the first place.

So one of her questions had to do with "who really had the control?"  And I can see where her question comes from. On one hand, I say that I gave up all control. But to someone on the outside, it may appear that I still have many elements of control in our marriage.

First and foremost I should have explained that I control the things He wishes for me to control and I acknowledge that He could take that away at any time.  Also,  I wouldn't assume control over something without His explicit direction.  It's impossible for Him to deal with everything in our life and He knows where my strengths are so He uses that to His advantage. This is a big difference from how we used to live.  I either took control of everything, or felt like I had to, causing a huge amount of frustration and undue stress on both of us.  Now, I clearly understand the parts of our life that He wants me to handle versus what parts He would prefer to handle.   

There are rules and expectations for my behavior which come into play here also.  I understand what He expects of me at all times and when I am tasked to do something, even if I am having to make decisions, He can trust that I am making the choice He would approve of.  If I am unsure of what He would want, I simply ask.  Instead of thinking how I want things done, now when a situation arises, there are a couple of things that come to my mind first.  What would He expect me to do? Or What would please Him?  In my opinion, this was the key to moving in sync through life and eliminating so much of the friction we had battled for years. 

Of course, we always have mutual discussions about major decisions.  He appreciates my opinion because many times I can offer a perspective He hasn't thought of, but at the end of the day, if He doesn't agree with me, He will make the final decision.  

So I guess the way I see it, I may have some control in how things get done, but I don't have the control.   

Question from Anonymous...Vanilla to Full on D/s

The end of March is fast approaching which also means the end of Q & A month but that doesn't mean the questions have to end.  Please feel free to send them anytime.

This one came from anonymous....

Now that you are 2 years into your dynamic, maybe you could describe what the 2 years were like for you 2 prior to committing to be at his service.  Even though you had not resigned yourself that way, did some of your d/s elements still exist?  Did he create scenes for you?  Did you get any punishment for fun?  Did you play with toys and nipple clamps, etc.?  I guess I am trying to get a feel for did you go from very vanilla to a full on d/s relationship one day or was there more of an evolution process where you were seeing some of the d/s benefits without actually committing yourself to that dynamic prior to taking the leap.

Thank you for your question(s).  For those of you that might have missed it, this is a follow up to one that I answered here.

 

This seems like an easy question to answer but it's taken me a while to reflect back on that time in our lives.  I guess as we get older, things in the past all start to run together making it hard to keep the exact time frames accurate.

 

To answer the first part of the question...the only element of D/s that existed well before our dynamic was in the context of BDSM play.  Heron had always wanted control in the bedroom.  He did create scenes over the years that put me in the submissive role and Him the dominant role but I could never embrace it.  There was never any punishment.  We had some toys...fucking machine, dildos, vibrators, rope, cuffs, but no ouchie toys.  It didn't really matter though.  Internally, I fought any form of control He tried to have over me.  Scenes often ended with me in tears and fights between us. If it didn't happen right a way, it usually did a few days later.  

 

I remember one night in particular, probably about 2 years before our dynamic began, give or take a few months.  This night would be the last straw for Him.  After that, He locked that part of Himself away along with the few toys that we had.

 

He blindfolded me before leaving the house and drove me to an unfamiliar place, which turned out to be a mechanical room at His office.  It was after hours so He wasn't worried about anyone seeing us.  I was trying my best to go along with it for Him but I wasn't happy about it at all.  Honestly, I don't know what my issue was except that I wasn't in control of what was happening.

 

With the blindfold still on, He took me in the room, removed all my clothes, and tied me up spread eagle using some of the pipes above my head.  I don't remember what my legs were tied to but I most definitely remember Him sliding the fucking machine between my legs and turning it on.  It was a fairly mild scene, all meant to be pleasurable and it was.  I couldn't stop my body from enjoying it if I had wanted to.  But mentally, I was still fighting it and afterwards, my walls went sky high.  We had the same conversation that had plagued our marriage for years. Why do you need this?

So that was it.  That was when He gave up kink altogether.  Those two years were SO. VERY. VANILLA and it was obvious after a while that neither of us were getting our needs met.  The sex was good, just not very often and lacking intensity.  Blowjobs had never been something I enjoyed so those were once a month, if that.  

 

Really, it felt like we were roommates or very good friends.  No doubt we loved each other immensely, and we got along just fine but there was a fire in Him that I had done my best to extinguish.  I could see it...I could feel it.  

 

As a consolation, I tried to offer some kinky play from time to time.  There weren't many things I liked but I did like the hand spanking during sex, if I was in the mood and in control of offering it.  But He said that wasn't how it worked for Him, which usually caused more fights because I just couldn't understand what He meant by that. I took it to be some form of manipulation. But in reality, to keep the "beast" at bay, He had to keep it under lock and key at all times.  

So we existed...until I was ready.  Submission wasn't something He could force from me. I had alot of things in my past to work through first before I could be ready.  I also had a lot of social conditioning to work through.  I had been taught that allowing a man to have control was weakness. 

 

To answer the last part of your question about going from vanilla to complete D/s...I guess we kind of did.  Even though we had dabbled in BDSM through the years, that two years prior, we were completely vanilla.  And at the point that I told Him I was ready, He required my complete commitment to the D/s dynamic or He wasn't willing to open Himself up to the kind of hurt and rejection I had put Him through so many times.    

   

Randomness and Rain Dances

It's such a beautiful Saturday afternoon here where we are.  We just got home from a soccer game...so excited that our team won!  And now, I am sitting on the deck enjoying some lunch.  The youngest has already headed off for the day with some friends and the oldest is getting ready for her first ever job interview! 

Not much has been going on this past week.  I did manage to lose some focus last week and missed a couple of my usual household duties.  So, this weekend, I got smart and knocked them all out as soon as I got home from work yesterday.  Nothing like going to bed on a Friday night with chore list pretty much complete.  I do still, however, have a punishment awaiting for my oversights.  But Heron spent the week fighting the crud again so I'm sure He will make up for that when He gets better.

Can I just say that the crud didn't stop Him from enjoying a blow job last night though!!  Let's face it...there isn't much that would ever make Him miss out on that.  But I think it might have made Him sicker because instead of just being congested, He woke up in the middle of the night with a fever. I don't know why He doesn't rest until He feels better. That's what He would make me do. But I'm not the boss so if He thinks a blowjob is the miracle cure, who am I to stop Him?! 

However, I am now holding my breath hoping I don't get sick.  Not from swallowing his cum, if that's where you thought I was going with that:) 

What I am worried about is Him spitting in my mouth while fucking me several nights ago.  Spitting in my mouth...well that's one of those things that I hate to love but my body sure does give me away every time.  Of course, this all happened the very night before He started feeling under the weather.  Yeah...that shit is going to make me sick for sure.  I just know it!

Have I mentioned that one of Heron's new expectations is that He never find a kitchen towel left on the counter?  Nope, don't think I have.  Picky, right?

Well, I actually can't blame Him really.  I have this horrible habit when I'm cooking to take out a towel, wipe my hands, and lay it down.  Then I need to wipe my hands again or the counter, and I pull another towel out of the drawer. Usually, by the time I finish making dinner, I will have 3 or 4 dirty cloths laying around.

So, He is breaking me from that habit, but darn!  It's been a tough one.  I actually have been punished for it a couple times already.  I'm being very conscious about it so it's getting better but I couldn't believe my eyes yesterday when my mom walked into the kitchen, took the cloth from where it was draped over the handle of the stove, wiped her hands, and then walked over to the sink, folded it and laid it down right there on the counter.   

I almost had a stroke.  Hmmm....got to figure out a way to train everyone else in the house so that I'm not getting in trouble when it's not even my fault.  I do that enough on my own. But it's not like I can say...Hey, when you leave that on the counter, I get my ass caned.  I'll have to think of a more subtle way.  I'm certainly open to suggestions if you have any. 

Well, I should stop rambling on about random stuff and take advantage of this sunny afternoon.  Getting the cars washed was the only thing left on my list to do.  Of course, I will cry later on because we all know how getting the cars washed is apparently some kind of rain dance!

Hope you are all having a lovely weekend!!

Sometimes, There Just Isn't a Title

While my last couple of posts have been pretty light-hearted, this one I assure you will not be.  I've been sitting on this one for a couple days, trying to decide whether to hit the publish button.  So, if you are looking for something funny or sexy, well...let's just say you've been warned.

I read something the other day that really resonated with me and I realized that while I've shared alot about my life here in my blog, there is one big thing I've been avoiding.

I'm not sure if I felt like I couldn't share it, or that people would think it's too heavy of a subject.  Maybe it's just that I wasn't quite ready to open myself up that much.  But it's a part of my life with Heron, a piece of my puzzle so to speak, perhaps even the biggest piece. And it will shed some light as to why letting go of control for so many years was difficult to say the least.

Heron and I met back in college.  He was a little bit older than myself and was coming out of a bad marriage having custody of His young son, and I was in a not so great relationship with someone else.  My boyfriend at that time didn't treat me horribly, but he was extremely controlling, probably more along the lines of domineering, and I knew I wasn't in love with him. 

The attraction between Heron and I was immediate and intense so I tried to keep my distance.  This worked for couple of months because Heron wasn't a very pushy guy back then:)

As things continued to deteriorate with my boyfriend, I began to let my guard down with Heron.  We started talking, spending time in the student center after classes and eventually the attraction to Him was too great to not explore further.  I was only 20 years old after all and didn't want to risk missing out on what could very well be the love of my life.

So I ended things with my boyfriend.  I knew he wouldn't take it well but was in no way prepared for how much my life was about to change.

I'm not going to get into all the details, but the ex showed up at my house a week after our break-up.  It was clear that he somehow knew I was interested in someone else but he wanted me back.  After explaining that wasn't possible, things turned very bad, very quickly and I found myself staring down the end of a loaded gun begging for my life, only in the end, to watch him take his own.

In one short hour of my life, every bit of innocence and safety I ever felt in this world had been shattered.  So much had been taken away from me and while I was beyond thankful to be the one still alive, the lack of control and fear experienced in those moments would haunt me for years.

At that point, Heron and I had only been on one date and I just knew that my instant emotional baggage would be way too much for Him to take on, especially with a child.  I remember telling Him that I understood if He needed to move on because I was likely to be a mess for quite a while. But His devotion never wavered.  When the images of that night kept me from closing my eyes, He stroked my face until I could fall asleep.  When I cried, He held me.  When I needed to talk, He listened.  And when the rage in me lashed out, He understood the place it came from and loved me anyways.

He did so much for me, but the one thing He couldn't do was to have any semblance of control over me.  Between the controlling environment of my childhood and the experience of that night, I vowed to never allow anyone that part of me. My views on life became pretty jaded.  And it was that pain that influenced many of my actions and poor decisions in the early years of our relationship and marriage. 

Looking back, it's obvious that I didn't realize just how much I was suffering because my tendency is to deal with things by burying them.  

But going back for a moment...to the writing that inspired this post...what I identified with the most was the writers description of regaining that feeling of safety.  Heron spent years helping me put myself back together, making me feel safe again, and loving me despite how difficult of a person I was to love at times.  It was such a slow process but eventually the demons of my past began fading away but I still clung to the control I had grown accustomed to having.

It's sad to say, because I had no reason not to trust Him with every part of my being, but it took almost 20 years for me to finally let go of it all and really allow Him in.  That night so long ago had changed me.  Vulnerability was not something I wanted to experience, physically or emotionally, which is one of the reasons why submitting to Him would have been doomed to failure years ago.     

Heron is a big one for living in the moment so I try not to look back with regret but I hate that it took so long for my walls to finally come down.  I've had to just accept that our life experiences make us who we are, the good and the bad.

A Morning on the Lake

It was a beautiful morning watching the sun rise over the lake.  The new boat is so much more comfortable than before, plus Heron is able to cover so much more area.   Today was my first "official"' day of the season out with Him and I was put in charge of the GPS, navigating the way from spot to spot. 

When it was time to make our way back to the boat ramp, He asked which direction.  My instincts pointed the way but he didn't believe me.  After heading the wrong way a couple of times, I showed Him the GPS to prove my point. 

Heron: (looking at the GPS)

lg:  I tried to tell you several times this is the right way.

Heron: Are you absolutely sure?

lg: I ask with all due respect, but who's the directionally challenged person in the family?

Heron: (now heading in the right direction, recognizes a boat dock we passed earlier) Ok...OK...you are right.

lg:  (looking at him smiling)

Heron:  Alright...now you are getting a paddling!

What's in Your Purse?

Had to go to court today with the oldest.  Nothing big...just a traffic ticket.

We walk into the lobby of the courthouse and I froze in place.

How could I not have thought about the scanners and metal detectors!!  Easy...it's not everyday that I go into a damn courthouse.

I'm standing just inside the doors looking like a deer in headlights, probably drawing more suspicion to myself.  Then I look down at my purse, trying to decide what to do. There isn't enough time to go back to my car. 

As if it's actually going to help, I zip up my purse before laying it down on the little belt.  then I watch as it disappears into the scanner.

Really...I could have just died of embarrassment. 

So what was hiding in my purse you ask?

Ummm, let's see. How about a vibrator, 2 clothespins, a black dog collar with some rhinestones, and a tube of capsaicin cream.  All the things that Heron requires me to keep on me at all times, you know if He ever wants to torture me out in public.  This would certainly classify as one of those moments now, wouldn't it?!

It wasn't even a little bullet vibrator.  Oh no!  It had to be the full size variety and I just knew that they were going to go through my purse right there in front of everyone to make sure that it wasn't some kind of bomb.   Thankfully they didn't.  But you also know what that means, don't ya? The guy looking at that screen knew exactly what he was looking at.

To top it off, the metal detector went off because of the boots I was wearing.  Yes, please bring more attention to me when what I really want to do is grab my purse and get the heck out of there!  Made me wonder if anyone ever gets stopped in one of those because they are wearing a metal butt plug. I'd hate to have to explain that one!

Let 'Em Think It

I don't know about you but nothing frustrates me more than car problems. Having safe and reliable cars is definitely a priority in our house.

In my last post, I mentioned that I had spent the better part of Saturday getting my car serviced.  Well, four hours and $500 later, I left...only to get in my car Monday morning and realize my headlight had still not been fixed.

This wouldn't normally fire me up like it did but it was the second time this particular dealership had not corrected an issue on my first visit.  I had several other things done, but really, how how hard was it really to fix a headlight?

Made me question the quality of their work all the way around.

So, I got to work with my one eyed car and called the dealership as soon as they opened.  I asked for a manager right away.  Well, the lady put me through to a voicemail box that was full.  Couldn't even leave a message.  

It's been a long time since I've blown a gasket but that really put my on the brink.  After hanging up and dialing back, I told her to put me through to a person this time.

Well, long story short, after getting off the phone with the service manager, he sent his top guy to my office and replaced not just a headlamp but the whole darn light assembly.  Right there...in my parking lot. And he showed me proof that the other work had actually been done. 

Wouldn't you believe it was the office talk for the day!

My secretary told me that she had overheard me on the phone and thought I was being nicer than was deserved and certainly nicer than she would have been.  She described my conversation as "professionally mean". 

"Professionally mean"...actually I kind of like that.  I would assume that falls within Heron's expectations of my behavior.  Didn't raise my voice...didn't curse.  Just simply told them what I thought of their service and in no uncertain words described exactly how I wanted the problem resolved. 

None of my other employees could figure out what I must have said to elicit such a response.  I overheard comments like..."oh, I wouldn't want to make her mad".  But the best one was "she must give her husband hell". Pretty funny, I thought. I'll just let them keep thinking that. But if they only knew!!

Just too funny not not share...

It All Adds Up

This weekend kicked off the busy season for us.  With soccer back in full swing, we will spend the next couple months cheering on our little one from the sidelines which is always fun.  Saturday morning I had to work and then spent far too long waiting on my car to be serviced.  Older one's senior project is due in just a couple of weeks so she was working on that and while Heron tried to squeeze in a little fishing Sunday morning, there were plenty of chores that needed tending to.

But the whole weekend, there was something looming over my head.  I tried not to worry too much over it but it was there, in the forefront of my mind, especially after He asked me where I had put the bamboo.  I talked about this bamboo in a post earlier in the year.  It was something He picked up while we were out on a walk, but was still too green to use.  

It had been quite some time since He saw fit to punish me for anything.  With a very concerted effort to dot my I's and cross my T's, there have been no major infractions to speak of.  But earlier last week, Heron began casually hinting to some things He had noticed.  They were all minor, nothing He was really concerned about, but it was a firm warning that they had been duly noted and they were  beginning to add up. 

For example, it's my responsibility to keep our cars clean inside and out (but particularly the inside).  Just an FYI...white dog and dark car interiors just don't mix.  She never even rides in the car unless going to the vet, but somehow her hair gets everywhere.  For weeks, the weather just hadn't cooperated on the weekends.  So, the washing and vacuuming was...shall we say...a little inconsistent. Admittedly, the interiors could have been vacuumed regardless.

Maybe complacency was a little bit of the problem.  He had been pleased with me in so many other areas and I was often doing more than was expected.  Surely it wouldn't be a big deal if the weather wasn't cooperating enough to take care of the cars.

I tried to take care of the other little things He pointed out and then finally came the tipping point.  The air vent and ceiling fan above our bed had begun to grow dust bunnies and He'd asked me to take care of it.

Well, at what point do you think He noticed that I had forgotten?

Of course, Saturday night while He was receiving my oral pleasures.  I didn't even know what to say  and my mouth was full anyways so there wasn't really anything I could say.       

All I could think was Damn...I had been so proud of myself for remembering to clean the fan but apparently I had completely forgotten about the vent.  Doesn't even make sense that I flaked on that because they are only like two feet apart from each other. 

Nothing else was said until Sunday evening after dinner when He said to follow Him upstairs.  With very little time before we would most likely be interrupted, He told me to pull my pants down without bothering to remove them all the way.  He actually liked the look of my jeans pulled down around my ankles with my boots still on.   Standing in the middle of the room, with legs spread as wide as my pants would allow, hands laced behind my head, I waited as He walked around me with the bamboo in hand, asking me to say out loud why I was being spanked.

The first strike landed across my backside, making my legs buckle just a little.  The next four were slow, methodical even, and each one made me squirm more than the one before.  But I was reminded these were the easy ones, for the lesser infractions.  The last 10, reserved for not cleaning the vent, came with a reminder to hold my position.  They came fast, one right after the other, making it hard to catch my breath much less move. 

I was sure the angry stripes would still be there the next morning but when I looked in the mirror, they had faded.  It was weird though...the heat of the shower seemed to bring them back. Not sure if I've ever experienced that.    

So while I was a little discouraged at first, wanting to justify why I hadn't been able to do this or that, I realized that no matter how hard I think I am trying, there may still be room for improvement.

Q & A: After Two Years and Do We Play With Others

Thank you guys for these questions. Feel free to keep them coming.

From DtBHC:

A two part question for you or both of you if H wants to respond.

After two years into this new dynamic in your relationship did you think you would be where you are now? And secondly where do you see yourself in another two years? 

Given that I was really just learning about the lifestyle, I don't think I knew enough when we started  to create a vision.  I didn't really think in terms of where the road would lead, just that He was setting the pace and direction.  Unfortunately, the one thing I was sure of...is that I would fail.  Not just in the little things.  I really believed that I would fail completely and want out of the dynamic all together.  So in that respect, we are not at all where I thought we would be.  And not that our dynamic is easy to maintain at all and I do fail at times, but I am surprised by how it's fallen into place for us and feels so natural. 

It's hard to say where we will be in two years.  The constraints of still having kids in the house certainly keeps things from extending too far past our current existence.  I would love to be able to meet the right woman and develop a relationship, possibly introducing her into our relationship in some fashion.  I don't know how serious Heron is but he has mentioned in passing about the possibility of training another sub and I would be lying if I didn't admit that the idea of it intrigues me and turns me on.  But I think we are far from making something like that happen.  I'm sure he would love to explore other aspects of sharing me but all of these types of things just boil down to right time, right place, and right person.  And I think we both OK with it happening or not happening.    
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From Sub Hub in Phoenix:
 
Who are the people in your regular life (outside bloggland) that know the intimate details of your relationship with your husband? Do you play with others, and if so who and in what capacity.

Well, I have had the opportunity to attend some local events and meet some people within the lifestyle so they know about our dynamic. Heron's good friend knows and participated in a scene with us. I wrote about that a little while back.  And I've mentioned that our 18 year old is becoming privy to some of our kinkery and has an idea that our marriage may have some power exchange but obviously doesn't know the extent or details.  Outside of that, no one in our vanilla world knows.  

We have not played with others, unless you count the experience with Heron's friend.  I guess one of the big limiting factors in this regard is that while I have attended some local events, we are just not really involved in the  community on a regular basis.  As I said in my answer to DtBHC, I'm sure this is an area Heron would want to explore further. However, His interest lies mostly in my servicing or being used by others.  There are a couple different scenarios that particularly interest Him but those are big steps...steps that He considers very seriously. So, that is something He may choose to explore if and when an opportunity presents itself, but only if the timing and situation is absolutely right.

Q & A: Balancing Work and Service

After posting a comment over on Pearl Necklace's blog at Happily Surrendered and Submissive, she asked me a question in return.  In the spirit of March Q & A, she was kind enough to let me post her question here.
 
Pearl's question was…How do you balance your work and service to Heron?

Work is something that has always been important to me.  After watching my mother suffer in an unhappy marriage for many years more than she should have, I knew from a young age that it was imperative for me to have the capability to be independent.

About five years ago, I finally reached the position within my organization that I had been striving for and wow...did the stress consume me.  It was a tough transition that lasted over a year and had we been involved in the dynamic at the time, I honestly don't know how I would have fared.  Luckily, I’ve adapted and things are much more settled in my work life but balancing the two parts of my life was still a challenge.

So here are some things that I find help me keep the balance...

1) Learning to leave work at work - For so long, I thought that the world would stop turning if I wasn't constantly on top of every little things whether I was on the clock or not.  I also brought home each and every stress of the day.  I realize this is dependent on the nature of the job, but if you can, completely separate yourself from the job when you walk out the door at the end of the day. We are expected not to bring home life troubles into the workplace, so flip that around the other way and don't bring work life troubles home.  As soon as I get in the car, my focus is already shifting to Heron and my family.  I am to call Him on my way home and this begins the process of resetting.  It also gives Him a chance to really judge what kind of day I have had.  

2) Having a routine - I am fortunate to have a great schedule.  I work 7:30- 4:30 which still leaves me plenty of time in the day.  Although I do have some domestic expectations through the week, Heron keeps those tasks fairly routine so that I am not overwhelmed.  He may ask me to take care of few extra things now and then but for the most part, because we both work, He is quite helpful.  One thing that helps is I plan our weekly menu on the weekends and we do all the grocery shopping on Sundays.  This allows me to immediately start on dinner when I get home each day.  Because I view cooking as part of my service to Him, it quickly puts me in my submissive space and no longer seems a chore like it once was.  I find enjoyment in having His food ready when He gets home and earning His approval for a good meal.  This whole routine sets the mood for the rest of the evening which is usually taken up dealing with sports, homework, and bedtimes.  And while sexual service is probably not at the level He would prefer during the week, we do what we can and try not to stress about those days when life is just too busy. There is always another day.  One thing I found is that even in the busy times or the times He doesn't hold me as accountable, it's helpful to continue doing the little things that are part of my routine.  They are reminders of my service to Him.    

3) Even though I have very different responsibilities at work and home, I am still the same person - I no longer view myself as having to juggle 2 different lives or parts of myself.  Yes, I am the leader at work and maybe I have different roles but ultimately, I am providing a service to my employer and my employees.  I am taking care and seeing that my department runs smoothly and that my employees have what they need to do their job effectively, which isn't so different than the service I provide at home.  It's all about perspective. We, as women, tend to wear many different hats, whether it is wife, submissive, mother, daughter, care-taker, employee, employer, etc.  I like to think that no matter what hat I am wearing, I am still the same person underneath.   Another thought I had on this is that I have let some of the positive attributes of my submission bridge the gap and flow over into my work which also helps keep the balance.  For example, becoming a better communicator and listener has not only improved my submission at home but it has made me a stronger leader at work.

4) Ask for help - This one can be hard for us women but I had to give myself permission not to be superwoman.  I started listening when Heron told me to take a break or go to bed early. It's impossible to do it all so don't be afraid to accept or ask for help.  We figured out what our priorities were during the week and use the weekends to catch up on the rest.  This keeps me from being completely exhausted every single night should He want to squeeze in a small scene.  This may or may not translate in my blog posts but most sexual service during the week is in the form of my orally pleasuring Him.  The majority of our "play" is reserved for the weekends. 

5) Having time for myself - Usually easier said than done I know, but Heron requires it.  It's amazing how refreshed I feel to just have some time to walk, read, or whatever else it is that allows me to regroup.  It's important that I give the best of myself both to my work and to Him, but I can't continue to do that if I'm not also taking care of me.   

Thank you Pearl for giving me an opportunity to answer such a great question!

What's Love Got to Do With It

It seems that I am only four days behind in getting my March Q & A Month started, so first things first.

Heron and I want to invite any and all questions from our readers, even those of you that prefer to follow along silently or remain anonymous.  If you don't feel comfortable posting comments here on the blog, please send me a personal message. I will be sure to keep your identity confidential when I post my response.

So...what the heck...I'm going to go ahead and kick off things off with a question I received from appy in response to one of my recent posts.  It wasn't officially part of the Q & A but it was a such great question that it even inspired Heron to answer, which is such a rarity that I wanted to repost for anyone who might have missed it.


Can you understand why it makes H happy to give you so much pain? I think when you love somebody you want to give her pleasure, not pain. I hope you or H will explain it to me.


It's an interesting question. From a psychological perspective, I'm sure theories abound on why I am the way I am. I, however, will not psychoanalyze myself.

I do what I do merely because I am wired that way.

My love for littlegirl is all encompassing...I would die for her without hesitation. My love is not...is never...in question. She knows this. Which is why she submits her body to me - My own personal canvas.

To ask why I am the way I am, would be to ask why two men view a guitar in different lights. One picks it up and begins to strum a classical piece and the other just wants to hear the fucker scream.

Because of what I do, I must pay very close attention to her body. Her breathing patterns, every gasp and moan, her arousal (and yes it does happen), every bead of sweat, all mean something. They are the notes that I play and sometimes I just want to hear it scream.

Her pain feeds the beast inside. It also arouses her so, but I very much aware of her limits. I am aroused by pushing her, teasing her and testing her.

It is presumptuous at best to say that what I do, I view it as art. But humor me for a moment.

My wife can attest that I pay just as much attention to setting up the scene. Things must be framed just so, the lighting just right, the right music in the background. Her response is very much a part of my scene. The wrong response (when I've pushed too far) is not what I'm looking for.

Going back to the idea of the canvas. Her body is mine...my own personal canvas.

I paint the only way I know how.

_Heron_

  

Parents-1, Kid-0

Apparently, we have horrified our youngest! No worries...she didn't see anything.  She's just putting two and two together about what moms and dads do behind closed doors.  

Typically, we wait for most adult activities to happen once the house is quiet, and the little one is asleep.  I say little one but she is actually 11...going on 25!  Except for that part about not being able to stay in her bed all night.  

Well, Sunday night, I had a goal to complete...five complete blowjobs from Friday night to Sunday night. And the last one wasn't happening if we waited on her to go to bed.  So I tucked her in, told her we would be in our room for a little while, and that the door would be locked so she needed to go to bed on her own.

Oh, boy did I hear about it as soon as I got home from work yesterday! 

"Mom, I know what you and Dad were doing last night.  That's soooo disgusting".

She didn't really know. The door was locked and she couldn't hear a thing but she also wasn't buying the whole we were watching TV story.  Of course having an 18 year old to egg her on doesn't help at all..

She continues on saying she will NEVER get in our bed again...it's just GROSS!!

When we were alone, Heron and I high-fived each other and joked that we should have taken that approach a long time ago if that's all it was going to take.

Unexpected Night Alone

Mother Nature can be a real witch, you know?!

Have you ever been so excited that plans just happened to work out at the last minute, plans that meant you and your love would finally have that much needed night alone?

Only then, to have mother nature play such a cruel trick.  I'm not sure why she is out to get me but I've been convinced for years that she is.

Friday, it was no surprise when I emailed Heron at work to tell Him about the recent turn of events...that our youngest would be spending the night out...AND...I just got my monthly visitor.

His reply... 

STORY. OF. OUR. LIVES! 

But at least I can take you out to dinner and a movie.

This was pretty exciting news because He wasn't just talking about a movie.  He was talking about the movie.

Now, I know He would rather poke both His eyeballs out with a fork before watching 50 SOG so I hadn't mentioned going since the first weekend but He knew I wanted to and was willing to sit through it for me cause He's sweet like that.  

I went about my day just tickled pink that we would be going out.  We got the little one squared away and grabbed a bite to eat at the mexican restaurant before heading to the movie.

The theatre wasn't packed by any means but there were still quite a few people there, some couples, but mostly it seemed liked an opportunity for a girls night out.  I assume with it being the 3rd weekend since it's release, the crowds have probably died down a bit.  It was funny, we both had similar thoughts of who out of all the people there had been getting their kink on:)

I had really enjoyed the first book but after hearing the reviews of the movie, I just tried to go in without any expectations.  Overall, I thought the movie was so-so.  I had always pictured someone else playing the part of Christian and as I suspected, was not happy with his character at all.  As Heron said, it's not like he was given alot of dialogue to work with, but he was just so monotone the whole time.  It's almost like he was trying too hard to pull of the surly dom thing and it just came off as forced and fake.

There were a few funny parts, and some of the sex scenes to me were pretty hot, but in between, I actually was getting a bit bored.

Heron was a good sport about the whole thing, only dozed off a couple of times and said He would have needed 11 boxes of candy to make it through. He was pretty interested in analyzing Anastasia's  wishy-washy behavior though and we talked about that a bit on the drive home.

When we got home, He fixed me a drink and then we retired upstairs.  I had asked to show my appreciation for our night out but He was still concerned about my cold.  It didn't take long to convince Him that I was in fact feeling better. 

I felt like a starved beast as I stroked and licked, urging Him to come alive under my tongue.  I took Him completely in my mouth and rotated my head as I moved up and down his entire length, swirling my tongue over His most sensitive spot.

My body was responding in kind with waves of electricity surging through me as if my mouth and pussy were somehow connected.

Stroking His balls with the fingers of my left hand, I felt them growing tighter.  I couldn't help but moan in pleasure myself as His cock, now completely rigid, began to throb and pulse in my throat.  I knew He was close. I watched as a puddle of drool formed at the base of His cock, the sound of His breathing quickened, and when each wave of His orgasm began, I relaxed my throat, drawing Him as far into me as I could.  My head continued moving ever so slightly to match the rhythm of His spasms, not satisfied until I was sure to have coaxed out every drop.

And the great thing about waking up the next morning to an empty house??  I got to wake Him up and do it all over again...and it was just as good the second time!