Beyond the Words

Pearl  over at Happily Surrendered and Submissive made a comment on my last post about how my heart was in such a good place these days.  Her observation was very touching and is also spot on.  In fact, that very day, I had just posted the following as a writing on my Fetlife profile so I thought I would share it here as well...

Strip away the labels, the rules, the rituals.
True happiness lies in those things unspoken and less defined.
It's in his gentle touch and how it radiates through not just my body but also my soul.
It's in the way my heartbeat slows to match his when wrapped in his arms.
It's in his eyes when he looks into mine and knows all the hidden secrets.
It's in the way he drinks in my scent like it's a hit of his favorite drug.
It's in the way the beast peacefully slumbers once his appetite has been sated.
It's in that moment when he allows me to experience his vulnerability.
It's in a connection so powerful, we can predict what the other is thinking.
It's in knowing I would never want to spend a day on earth without him.

Finally Here!

The pictures from our photo shoot are finally trickling in.  Four weeks of patiently waiting...and Words cannot begin to describe how excited I have been to see these!!   

Unfortunately, there are many that show our faces so I hate that I won't be able to post those but I hope you enjoy the ones I can share!

Such a simple pose but so much captured here!!

Photo taken by Depraved_Eros on Fetlife

Knowing One's Place

Seems I have competition these days for Master's attention. 

As I stand in the kitchen making dinner, I hear that all too familiar sound of the garage door letting me know Master just got home from work.

Stopping what I am doing, I take my place, kneeling down on the floor by the door so that I am the first thing he sees when he comes in. 

I wait patiently to greet each of his shoes with my kiss, which is always followed by him taking my hands and pulling me up to him for a kiss. I love this new little ritual.  

But here SHE comes again, ready to greet her Master too. 

Her eyes stare longingly at the crack of light coming from under the door.  Her ears perk because she can hear the sound of His footsteps coming from farther away than I can.

She begins pacing as she continues to wait but then stops firmly in front of me and sits down, still intent on the door.

Greedy bitch she is...tries to be the first.  Oh, we have played this game before. 

This time, without moving an inch, I softly growl two words, "Get back". 

I smile to myself when she gets up and moves away from the door, actually going off to eat her dinner and wait her rightful turn.     

I may be the boss at work, but we all know I am not the boss at home. 

However, I will be the alpha bitch!

That is...just as soon as I can keep the other dog from trying to hump me every time I sit on the floor. 

 

Room Full of Secrets

Do you ever find yourself in a situation and wonder if you unintentionally give off a vibe that may give away your "secret'?  

Sitting in a conference room the other day for a meeting of upper management and department managers, I looked around the room and thought about the fact that out of the twelve or so people around the table, I was the only female.  Yes, I work in a very male dominated field but I don't mind at all.  I've always worked very well with men.  

Thankfully, I am well respected not just for being good at what I do, but also for being confident and assertive, without being aggressive.   

But people sense things...we all do. It's just human nature to observe peoples quirks or demeanor and make certain assumptions. 

So, in this meeting of all men except myself, I found myself wondering if any of them pick up on my "secret".  Particularly the men that may be naturally more dominant.   

Would love to hear thoughts from both submissives and dominants on this.   

Question from Anonymous...Vanilla to Full on D/s

The end of March is fast approaching which also means the end of Q & A month but that doesn't mean the questions have to end.  Please feel free to send them anytime.

This one came from anonymous....

Now that you are 2 years into your dynamic, maybe you could describe what the 2 years were like for you 2 prior to committing to be at his service.  Even though you had not resigned yourself that way, did some of your d/s elements still exist?  Did he create scenes for you?  Did you get any punishment for fun?  Did you play with toys and nipple clamps, etc.?  I guess I am trying to get a feel for did you go from very vanilla to a full on d/s relationship one day or was there more of an evolution process where you were seeing some of the d/s benefits without actually committing yourself to that dynamic prior to taking the leap.

Thank you for your question(s).  For those of you that might have missed it, this is a follow up to one that I answered here.

 

This seems like an easy question to answer but it's taken me a while to reflect back on that time in our lives.  I guess as we get older, things in the past all start to run together making it hard to keep the exact time frames accurate.

 

To answer the first part of the question...the only element of D/s that existed well before our dynamic was in the context of BDSM play.  Heron had always wanted control in the bedroom.  He did create scenes over the years that put me in the submissive role and Him the dominant role but I could never embrace it.  There was never any punishment.  We had some toys...fucking machine, dildos, vibrators, rope, cuffs, but no ouchie toys.  It didn't really matter though.  Internally, I fought any form of control He tried to have over me.  Scenes often ended with me in tears and fights between us. If it didn't happen right a way, it usually did a few days later.  

 

I remember one night in particular, probably about 2 years before our dynamic began, give or take a few months.  This night would be the last straw for Him.  After that, He locked that part of Himself away along with the few toys that we had.

 

He blindfolded me before leaving the house and drove me to an unfamiliar place, which turned out to be a mechanical room at His office.  It was after hours so He wasn't worried about anyone seeing us.  I was trying my best to go along with it for Him but I wasn't happy about it at all.  Honestly, I don't know what my issue was except that I wasn't in control of what was happening.

 

With the blindfold still on, He took me in the room, removed all my clothes, and tied me up spread eagle using some of the pipes above my head.  I don't remember what my legs were tied to but I most definitely remember Him sliding the fucking machine between my legs and turning it on.  It was a fairly mild scene, all meant to be pleasurable and it was.  I couldn't stop my body from enjoying it if I had wanted to.  But mentally, I was still fighting it and afterwards, my walls went sky high.  We had the same conversation that had plagued our marriage for years. Why do you need this?

So that was it.  That was when He gave up kink altogether.  Those two years were SO. VERY. VANILLA and it was obvious after a while that neither of us were getting our needs met.  The sex was good, just not very often and lacking intensity.  Blowjobs had never been something I enjoyed so those were once a month, if that.  

 

Really, it felt like we were roommates or very good friends.  No doubt we loved each other immensely, and we got along just fine but there was a fire in Him that I had done my best to extinguish.  I could see it...I could feel it.  

 

As a consolation, I tried to offer some kinky play from time to time.  There weren't many things I liked but I did like the hand spanking during sex, if I was in the mood and in control of offering it.  But He said that wasn't how it worked for Him, which usually caused more fights because I just couldn't understand what He meant by that. I took it to be some form of manipulation. But in reality, to keep the "beast" at bay, He had to keep it under lock and key at all times.  

So we existed...until I was ready.  Submission wasn't something He could force from me. I had alot of things in my past to work through first before I could be ready.  I also had a lot of social conditioning to work through.  I had been taught that allowing a man to have control was weakness. 

 

To answer the last part of your question about going from vanilla to complete D/s...I guess we kind of did.  Even though we had dabbled in BDSM through the years, that two years prior, we were completely vanilla.  And at the point that I told Him I was ready, He required my complete commitment to the D/s dynamic or He wasn't willing to open Himself up to the kind of hurt and rejection I had put Him through so many times.    

   

Resistance is Futile

Back before the holidays, you might remember I was on orgasm restriction.  I write about it now because at the time, there was so much going on and I just didn't have the emotional energy to invest in writing about anything.  

The first week of my restriction was spent with Daddy tormenting me or making me torment myself.  It was close to the holidays so if you missed that post, you can read about it here or if you happen to remember, I was only allowed a couple of inches of a particular dildo and at one point, I was given the same amount of His cock.  An additional caveat to this was under no circumstances was my clit to be touched, not even accidentally while using the dildo.  Sheesh!! He's demanding isn't He?

Of course, my mouth stayed full of cock on a nightly basis and for the the first week, I stayed on an incredible edge, every minute of the day all I could think about the throbbing and the constant pool of wetness between my legs.

Somewhere during that second week, well, the edge just faded away.  He continued using my mouth almost nightly but it's the same thing that tends to happen whenever my arousal is abandoned for too long.  My body decides it's not getting any, so it just...shuts...down.. It's not like I am even angry or upset, not yet anyways.  I think it's a way of coping and pushing my own desires aside so that I can remain focused on His needs and pleasure.

Then at some point (in this case it was around the end of the second week), sleep becomes more difficult, the stress of daily life builds up, and my resolve begins to crumble...I begin to crumble.  Of course, the holidays were upon us as well which didn't help things either.

I try my best to hide the hurt when it starts creeping in, desperate not to let Him believe my submission is wavering.  Retreating into myself, I get quiet until He forces it out of me.  He knows what's wrong but makes me say it out loud anyways.

I can't help but wonder if you even want me anymore.

Of course He wants me.  After all, He uses my mouth just about every night, doesn't He?

Being a wife and a slave are intertwined roles for me at this point, with the exception of this one area.  As slave, I understand all of it.  But as a wife, I struggle and the ache in my chest brings doubt.  As we laid there and tears rolled down my cheeks, He snuggled with me and assured me of His desire to have me (all of me) and I will see just how much.  I just had to continue waiting until the  upcoming weekend.  I beg Him not to make that type of promise because it always seems that things never work out for one reason or another.  But He holds fast to His promise and in the back of my mind, I know better than to get my hopes up. 
   
Well, it WAS the weekend before Christmas after all.  There was a party to attend and one to host, food to cook, a house to clean, and while I worked on most of that, He had plenty of school work to keep Him busy.  Through no real fault of His own, our time together didn't happen.  There wasn't even time for any of my expected nightly cock worship.  I tried once again to hide how crushed I was, particularly when He didn't say anything about our missed time together.

Monday night came and He climbed into bed giving me the signal to take my usual place of worship between His legs.  As wrong as it was, I had already assumed and peacefully resigned myself to only servicing Him in the same way I had so many nights before.   

Surprisingly, He told me to get my pants off and lay on my back, words that would normally make me get quite giddy.  I wanted to be excited, really I did.  But as He climbed on top and pressed inside of me, I couldn't find a way out of the hole I was in to give myself to Him completely.  All the hurt and frustration was bubbling up to the surface and I was stuck in a terrible place...in my head.  He could feel my resistance but didn't stop.  He tried twisting and pulling my nipples.  He grabbed my throat pinning me to the bed.  He wrapped His fist in my hair, pulling my head back and ordered me to cum around His cock. Normally, any or all of these things drive me wild and send me over the edge, but it wasn't working this time. Nothing was working because I wasn't letting it work.  I might as well have been behind the Great Wall of China.

We talked alot afterwards.  He interpreted my actions (or lack of reaction to Him) as resentment.  I tried to explain that it was simply hurt.  Hurt that He hadn't acknowledged His broken promise over the weekend, and hurt that after weeks of not having Him, He seemed so cold.  We went round and round until there was really nothing left to say.  But my words left Him in a quandary.

Does He alter His actions, possibly allowing me to perceive that I have some level of control?

Or does He continue on in the manner that pleases Him and I adjust my expectations, if need be?

It was wise that He chose the latter because as luck would have it, He took me again a couple nights later...in the exact same way.  And apparently, once the air had been cleared and I actually communicated all the crap floating in my head, I was just fine.  This time when He gave the order to cum around His cock, my body responded to Him the way it should.

But just like I have a tendency to do, I hold on to things far too long, fearing that voicing the types of thoughts I have is somehow contrary to being truly submissive.

One of these days, maybe I will learn...but probably not.

favim.com

 

Reflections

As I sit here on the morning of yet another new year, I think about about where I've been, where we've been, and where we are going.  Each year, has brought new struggles, frequent chaos or drama in daily life, but somewhere in all that...we continue to find ourselves and each other.

Despite the craziness of the holiday season (or maybe because of it), I've had more time to be inside my own head than I really care for.  Daddy has been extremely busy with school work which leaves plenty of time for thinking, which I always say can be a good thing and then sometimes, not so much. 

Things have been fairly vanilla, not completely, but comparatively speaking anyways.  And I'm ok with that. At least I did finally get that orgasm in December.

You see, the one thing I have come to realize is that I don't need the "active" D/s dynamic (and all the rules/expectations that come with it), the spankings, or the kinky sex to be happy or fulfilled.  Yes, kinky sex is fun and the dynamic keeps our home running smoothly. But in the couple of years that we have been doing this thing we do, I've think I've learned how to be a more attentive wife, how to communicate my emotions in constructive ways, and for the most part, I've learned what it is that pleases Daddy.  I do my best to stay mindful of all of these things whether the dynamic is in full force or relaxed just because I want Him to be happy and make His life a little bit easier. Of course, I'm still prone to the occasional screw up but honestly, it's never intentional.   

Now, I'm not going to claim that being a slave or submissive is what I was always meant to be or that it even makes me happy, personally.  To constantly put someone else's needs and wants above my own is sometimes downright difficult and causes more frustration and angst than I would like. I can't even claim that submission makes me a less selfish person because eventually all those what about me thoughts start to surface.  And while I may not grumble out loud, the voice in my head sure does.
   
But the reason I say that I don't need this lifestyle, is because it's not something I do for me.  There are all sorts of reasons that people choose to submit.  And personally, I chose to submit for Him and for us, because I want our life together to be as frictionless as possible.

For my own happiness, all I really need is for us TO BE together, to look forward to a long life full of happy memories, and to know that I am loved and wanted.  And honestly, I would have these things whether we had ever discovered this lifestyle or not. 

So here's to another year!  And to all of you that continue to read and follow our adventures, I want to thank you and wish you all great things to come in the New Year!!


     

Submissive Test

In the two years that I have considered myself submissive, I haven't once taken one of these tests.  I don't really know why except that I just didn't put much value in it....still don't really. At this point, what could a silly little quiz really tell me about myself anyways? But for the fun of it, Daddy took the Dominant's quiz and then told me I should try it.  Well, it was pretty much spot on with my highest percentage being in the Domestic Submissive category.

Just a little side note, as you can see in the description below, my best match would include the sadistic dominant.  I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to believe that Daddy scored 92% in that category!!

What Kind of Submissive Am I?

Results

1. The Acolyte Submissive 84%
2. The Brat Submissive 4%
3. The Cow/Pig Submissive 25%
4. The Domestic Submissive 85%
5. The Kajira Sub/Slave 60%
6. The Little Submissive 20%
7. The Novice Submissive 10%
8. The Painslut Submissive 15%
9. The Pet Submissive 52%
10. The Pseudo Submissive 20%
11. The Warrior Princess Submissive 44%

 

The Domestic Submissive. Sometimes referred to as a service submissive, she is expected to perform domestic duties such as cooking, cleaning, childcare, chauffeuring, and yard work. The Domestic sub is often expected to be sexually available to the Dominant, and sometimes to his other submissives, friends, or guests. Humiliation role play is quite often a significant part of their dynamic. Best matches: The Sadistic Dominant / The Lesser God Dominant / The FemDom Mistress. 

 http://domination-submission.com/take-a-quiz/the-submissive-test/

 http://domination-submission.com/the-dominant-test/

Voicing Opinions

In response to my recent post Lazy Days and Questions, one reader asked:

My question is about the second part of your post. In your relationship as Husband/wife, to what extent are you allowed to voice your opinion as a spouse and not as a sub (even if it opposite to his)?

This is a really good question and I actually sat down and talked with Heron about his perspective on this question before I answered just to make sure that my take on it is correct.


So, we kind of boiled it down to a few key issues: sex, money, and kids.  These tend to be the most common areas of disagreement between married couples, right?

We never so much fought about money, mainly stressed over it, but we did have our fair share of arguments about sex and the kids.

Do I get to voice my opinion as a spouse?  Absolutely!  I am always free to voice my opinion...always have been free to.  Except maybe when it comes to sex now.  Well, even that, I can voice my opinion...but I just don't think my opinion matters much in that regard. 

Overall, He values my what I think and tells me all the time how smart and perceptive I am.  Whether we live in a D/s dynamic or not, we are still life partners and want what's best for each other and our family. 

However, what being submissive has taught me is there is always a time, place, and manner in which to express said opinions.  Loudly, disrespectfully, or perhaps in front of others, is not going to be in my best interest. My tone and style of communication is altogether different...all the time. 

For example, with the kids, I may not agree with how He has chosen to deal with something.  Used to be, I would have gotten really fired up about it and quite possibly "called Him down" in front of them, undermining His authority.  I might have even been right in what I was saying but my MO was horrible.  I see that now.  If I have an issue, I wait and discuss it with Him privately afterwards.  I may bite my tongue off in the process but because I am not approaching it aggressively, there is no need for Him to get defensive. Therefore, He actually listens to what I am saying and is much more likely to see and agree with my viewpoint.

With money, even though He manages the finances, we always discuss budget and big purchase items.  Could He buy that nice new boat He is dying to have?  Sure.  He doesn't require my permission to do that but we discuss all major decisions and He respects what I feel may or may not be in the best interest of our family. 

Sometimes my input gives Him a different perspective, sometimes I am His sounding board, and sometimes my words speak to His conscience. 

So yes, I am free to speak my opinion, even when it differs from His.  But I no longer see a distinction between speaking to Him as a wife or a sub. 

I am always His wife...I am always His submissive. 

And weighing my words isn't even a conscious decision I make anymore, it's just something that happens.. 

Not saying that I don't get angry or upset sometimes, but there isn't a timeout, so to speak, where I am granted the freedom to say what I want, however I want.  For the sake of keeping communication constructive, I always stay respectful.  And arguing...well, no matter what the situation, that just isn't going to happen.  

I admit though, if I am guilty of anything, it may be stating my opinion one too many times if I feel my point isn't getting across.  In that case, He'll give me the "That's enough!" and I know it's time to cool it. 

Thank you, Charlie for the question!  

Feeling Human

Not that it's always easy, but submitting is my place of comfort.  I can appreciate how much peace it brings to our lives.   And maybe most importantly, it's what I realize now has always been a natural part of me.   

I also recognize that I am extreme people-pleaser.  I don't really believe that submission and being a people pleaser always go hand in hand, but I think for me they do.  The people-pleaser in me spends a huge amount of energy seeing to other people's happiness, whether that means taking care of them, doing for them, or biting my tongue to spare their feelings from what I am really thinking.  And that's fine...I like to see those I care about happy.

But in the past, I would do and do until I got to the point that it would become stressful and I would become resentful.  Out of frustration, I lashed out at the people closest to me.  I regret that I ever behaved like that but thankfully, the structure and rules we have in place now help to keep me grounded, and for the most part, make me face the day to day stresses without losing control of myself or at least help me find a more constructive way to deal with it. 

However, we probably all have our different struggles in submission and I think I have found mine.

Maybe I have just become more sensitive to it or maybe it's because I can't lash back but I really feel like there are times that I am now the target of their frustrations. I don't worry too much about the kids....that comes with the territory.  If you aren't making them mad from time to time, you probably aren't doing your job:) 

But when it's Daddy's frustrations, it really bothers me.  So, to keep from saying something I might regret, I push away.  I tell myself it's to give him space, to sort out what's really bothering him, but then I get into my own head and sometimes get stuck there with my emotions running amok.

Today has been one of those days.  I ended up just getting out of the house for a little while and heard a song on the radio that really summed up how I was feeling.  

"Human" by Christina Perri

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/christinaperri/human.html

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want
Be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am
...

I can take so much
'Til I've had enough

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

  

What It Was

Looking back, I really hate that I spent so many years complaining about sex.  I was always too tired, too this, too that.  Sex was something that should be on my schedule, when I wanted it, and dammit He should respect that!   

All the while, there was this wonderful man that loved me more than life itself and He "wanted" me.  In return, I made Him feel bad for that by complaining constantly and pushing Him away. 

Don't even get me started on how vehemently I hated blowjobs.  The fights we had over this were quite ridiculous.  Oh my gosh!  I even remember challenging Him on several occasions to show me a woman who enjoyed sucking cock after being married as long as we had.  "And if you can find her...be my guest", I would spew.  Glad He didn't take me up on that challenge! 

Wow!  How wrong I was in so many ways.  

The problem though was years of conditioning and listening to jaded people, not just as it related to sex but with all aspects of a relationship.  Rather than finding my own way and determining what worked for my marriage, I chose to become jaded myself.

The woman had to maintain control of the relationship...

The woman had to run the family and everything else because you couldn't expect a man to do it, much less do it right...

...bottom line...you couldn't TRUST a man.

Sadly, I look at all those examples I had in my life, and I see now what became or has now become of their marriages.  And maybe those circumstances were unavoidable in their lives, I don't know.

I never would have thought I wanted this life.  Even when I committed to it, I wasn't convinced it was for me and I definitely didn't think it was something I could maintain.

Well, it's been exactly two years now and yes, we've had our fair share of ups and downs.  Sometimes it's been out of this world amazing and sometimes it's just been hard as hell.  But honestly, I can't imagine it ever going back to the way it was.

No longer do I live with that jaded view of life and relationships.  Thankfully, I know now that it can be so much better than that! 
  

Easy...Until It's Not (part 1)

Once again, I find myself away from here far too long.  I was even chastised a bit for my lack of writing.  Too often now, I lack in words or the motivation to relive the small things happening in our dynamic.  I say small things not out of  disrespect, but that is just the reality we are living in at the moment. 

He is so busy these days and I take pride in doting on Him when I can, ensuring that everything is to His satisfaction, and that the house is generally running smoothly.  Submitting to Him as the Master of our home has become quite comfortable and easy.

Then the rare opportunity arises for "playtime".  My feelings should be that of thankfulness for His time and attention.  Hell, I spend all of my days pretty much daydreaming about being behind closed doors, being thoroughly used by Him.   

So, why is it, that as soon as that door closes and we are behind it, I have to fight the feeling of (oh my gosh, I hate to say it)...irritation? 

I am ashamed to admit that this part of my submission has become...not so easy.     

Saturday night was a perfect example.  We had a couple hours without the kids and decided to grab something to eat.  It wasn't too shocking that on the way, He informed me to lose the sports bra.

Then He asked me what I planned to eat.  My response was grilled chicken salad.  Again, not too shocking when He didn't approve of my choice and announced that He would be ordering for me.

After dinner, we had just enough time to swing into the adult store.  Apparently vibrating panties and a new bullet type vibrator were must haves for the evening.    

As we left the store and got in the car, He told me to lean the seat back and get myself off with my new vibrator.  That's the point I could feel myself starting to clam up.  It didn't bother me that He wanted me to do it in the car, that hardly even phases me anymore.  I was upset because I knew my edge would be gone for the evening.  Trying hard to hide my disappointment, I did what I was told anyways, hoping the rest of the evening would go differently. 
 
Later that night when we were alone again, He motioned for me to come upstairs.  When He closed the door and showed me the clothes laid out for me to try on, I had instant flashbacks to the last time. I got myself in a bit of trouble for being, shall we say, less than enthusiastic. If you missed that little story, you can read about it here.  Anyways, I put on a good face and did the best I could to be accommodating. 

But for the second time that evening, I fought overwhelming frustration as I tried on outfit after outfit, while He concocted some horribly trashy outfit that would be (un)suitable enough for sending me to the car wash to clean His car. I held it all in until He had me begin demonstrating the postures He expected me to use when vacuuming said car.   

Tears of humiliation began streaming down my face and I felt as if I might choke on the lump in my throat. Now, unable to make eye contact with Him, I stared at the floor as He scolded me for crying.
 
All I had wanted the whole evening was to be in the comfort of His arms and feel His touch.

Again, I am faced with the fact that these are my wants or desires, or in some cases things I don't want. I try and remind myself that this my issue, not His. Then, somehow I manage to feel even worse because this internal battle or dialogue in my head leads me to believe that I may never be the slave He deserves.

Stayed tuned for the rest... 

Just When You Think You Have it Licked...

How did I ever have so much time for blogging?  It seems like I can't get 5 minutes these days.  I know one of the things that is keeping me busy is the new workout program Master implemented. 

Yes...He has now officially taken over control of my exercise.  It's not that I wasn't exercising.  I had been  faithfully for months but my main focus is always cardio.  A couple weeks ago, He handed me several printouts with lists of exercises and descriptions of how to do them properly .  They were titled "Slave Sexercises" . 

OK...don't laugh!  I know it sounds corny:)

The first day was fun though because I he insisted that I do all my exercises naked and in front of Him.  

Since then, I've just been on my own honor to do them.  Each day is a different sets of exercises meant to improve strength, tone, and balance.  I am on my third week of this program but the first week...oh my gosh...it was all I could do everyday to get up and walk.  The entire week, everything hurt, including my ass, because apparently a week of maintenance spankings were long overdue as well.  He made sure to keep my backside tender and bruised all week...just because.  

Anyways, this was not the point of my post. My original thought was about how easy it is to get caught up in tackling your day to duties and THINKING "oh yeah...I got this...I am in such a good place". 

I should have known better than to think my submission had become easy because here enters the shit storm.

One command from Master + one huffy attitude from slave = realization that slave has grown somewhat complacent and strayed far from her place and didn't even realize it.

So now let me explain.  The other night, it was late.  I was tired and just getting out of the shower.  Master asked that I go through my closet and get out all the trashy clothes I own and model them all for Him.  I didn't really mean for Him to hear the sigh as I continued to dry off, or the clothes hangers that I flung down in frustration on the closet floor because they kept getting tangled as I looked through the clothes.  I suppose it doesn't matter whether He heard all of that or not.  I knew what was in my heart and it was not submissive in the slightest.   

You see, this reminded me that warm weather is upon us, and I assumed would mean the return of a certain kink of His.  One that I do not share. 

Note to self: Presuming to know Master's mind...not a good thing...no not all!

But nothing makes me feel worse about myself than being dressed like a whore and going into public and those are the types of humiliating things He enjoys when the weather is right. I would say that I am fairly confident about my body but I DO NOT like showing it off it places that I don't feel appropriate and He just loves to humiliate me this way.

He let me go about trying on outfit after outfit with my little frowny face, pouty attitude and when I had gotten to the last outfit, He wanted to know what was my problem.  I attempted not to tell Him but decided that was not the right course of action.  These feelings didn't need to fester.  So I explained myself and He explained that it was OK for me to feel as such but not OK to act as such.  So off to the closet He sent me for punishment.  With legs spread wide, He made me bend over and grab my ankles.  No spanking, just left there until He felt I had held that pose long enough, which was until my legs were shaking and tears rolled up my forehead since my head was dangling down towards the floor.

After that, He did have His way with me, using me thoroughly and verbally humiliating me the whole time as He had me turn over face down on the bed and entered me from behind.  With His face right up to my ear, He talked about sending me out into public all sorts of a slutty mess since I presumed to know His mind and all.  I couldn't stop crying and every wall I had wanted to go up. 

However, He took great delight in the fact that when He specifically told me I would be taking a trip to the park at dusk and made to crawl on the walking trail in nothing but my collar and tennis shoes, my pussy decided to flood all over Him. 

The only thing I can say is my brain didn't like the idea but I guess other parts of my body thought otherwise.  Exhausted and tired of fighting tired of fighting the mental battle in my head and my body, I finally let it all go and gave in to Him. 

How easy it is for Him to lead me back to my place again. 

Now We Wait

 

 

Wait to talk about it...

 

Wait to see if we renegotiate our agreement...

 

Wait to see wait to see if we end our dynamic...

He needs time and space to figure out how, or if, we proceed.  His concern is that my disobedience will open the door to challenging Him next time. 

I don't see it that way, but it's not for me to see and not for me to decide.  I only know that as His slave, I am not afforded the choice to pick and choose the things in which I submit.  I submit as He desires and up to this point I always have, even when it has been most difficult. 

So what do you when you reach a point when you know you can't, or won't rather? 

I guess we all find out if pushed to that point.

Hopefully, there will be a way to work it out but if my continuing to be His slave hinges on my ability to follow through with this one thing, then I guess I have to prepare myself for the dynamic to end.

As sad as it makes me, I don't regret bringing the issue to light.  I only regret that it may have damaged the mutual trust we have in each other as Master and slave.

Luckily, our marriage is solid so we will be fine either way but it would just be different to go back.     

As of right now, I have been relieved of any and all of my duties and "obligations".  My collar is put away and I am free to be my own person.   

I cried a lot yesterday and felt like a little lost puppy trying to find ways to occupy my time and keep my brain from spinning in circles. 

It seemed weird after almost a year, to actually have the freedom to put on one my one of my beautiful bras but I have so been missing them.  So that was the first thing I did with my new found freedom. 

Thanks to everyone who reached out with support and encouragement.  I will keep you posted. 



 

Code Red

After twenty years together, it has never changed.  THAT one week of every month, I am like a typhoid Mary that must be avoided like the plague.  Well, of course my mouth is of use, but that's about it.

The problem I have is when it ends.  Apparently, we just have a lack of communication in this regard and it seems to create issues just about every month.  I try not to be assuming and announce that it's over (hint...hint...I want some!) but He seems to lose track of time.  Meanwhile, I get my feelings hurt waiting for Him to ask if I am available. 

I have just never understood why this one thing couldn't be simpler. 

Well, Master decided to fix that!  One of the resolutions He gave me this year was to wear something red every day that I am on my cycle.  Not only did I think this was kind of corny at first but it was going to be hard to implement since my wardrobe contains maybe 2 pieces of red clothing.

Looking in my closet...I really do wear too much black! 

While, in the process of debating whether I needed to go shopping to buy a few more red items, I came up with a pretty brilliant idea!  But it had to be alright with Him first. 

Thankfully, He loved the idea. 

This ruby pendant He gave me several years ago!  Not only am I loving this resolution but this is such a lovely little solution to our age old problem! 

He's so smart:)

Spicy or Regular

And I am not referring to sex...even though I'm pretty sure most of us would choose spicy for sure!

I am talking about pulling up at the Chick-fil-A drive thru the other day and Master says...

Your only choice is spicy or regular.

Well damn...I was actually going to get a salad.  

I simply answer spicy and He places my order for the spicy chicken deluxe combo.  

Food is not something that Master has exercised too much control over.  I have a pretty good grasp of what to eat, what not to eat, and exactly how much.  Sadly though, my relationship with food stems from years of eating disorders.  While sitting in that drive thru line, accepting that He was ordering for me, I reflected on my past and how it came to be that I was lucky enough to recover and how comforting it was, and still is, to give Him the control of something that had controlled me for a very long time.  

Poor self-image and control issues left me battling anorexia and bulimia throughout my teenage years.  When I hit my rock bottom, I was only 85 pounds and very sick.  I began the slow climb towards recovery, only because I knew that if I didn't, it would kill me.  Not long after my recovery, at 19 years old, I met the man I would eventually marry and who is now my Master.  

In the beginning, we were just like any normal boyfriend/girlfriend, learning everything there was to know about each other.  I remember sitting in His car one day and I confessed to my very personal battle with food and eating disorders. 

He sympathized and understood my struggle, but also informed me in no uncertain terms that if He ever suspected a relapse, He would take my ass straight to the hospital.  Since that time, I've always wanted to maintain a healthy weight but never again had any thoughts of turning down that path of self-destruction. Looking back, I think that was probably my first act of submission to Him.  

But twenty years later, my eating habits still tend to drive Him a bit nuts.  When we go out, He usually rolls His eyes and scoffs when I order because it's usually a salad or something on the lighter fare.  It's not that I diet or deny myself any particular food but I am very focused on portion control and shy away from eating junk or fast food.  More often than not, even if I do have a craving for something particularly bad, I will talk myself into the healthier option by the time I place my order.  


So, besides the fact that I think it was just hot and sexy when He ordered for me, I found a certain freedom in not making that decision. I didn't feel responsible for making the "right" food choice.  I ate what He chose for me simply because it's what He wanted and I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty or think oh I shouldn't have. 

























 

        

The Knock

She climbed on the massage table and laid down on her back, waiting patiently while He tied her arms and legs down securely.  No light could penetrate the double blind fold and every sound in the room became oddly intense. 

However, she just couldn't quite shake the unsettled feeling as several thoughts/questions rolled around in her brain.

"Isn't it odd that I am still somewhat clothed?"

"Who was just on the phone before He walked in?"

"Why the recent discussions about His Changing Needs and expectations for my complete submission?"

"What was meant by the last instruction in The Note?"

"No! It couldn't be...not here...not today!"

She attempted to push those thoughts from her mind, but it was all adding up, and apparently she knows her Master very well. Once He finished tying her down, He leaned over and gently whispered in her ear that there would be someone joining them for a short time today.

Words could not form on her lips.  Her heart raced and the excitement she had felt turned to fear and panic. As she fought the urge to either laugh or cry, He calmly reassured her.  Stroking her arm, He reminded her that He took great care in planning for their safety and privacy, He promised not leave her alone, and she should be free of any burden as this was out of her control.

With several deep breaths and a resolve she didn't realize she had, she slowed her breathing and calmed down by solely focusing on doing what was expected of her.  At that moment, she let go and placed her complete trust in Him.  After all, it wasn't like this was a complete surprise. Her Master had made it clear from the beginnings of their D/s that this boundary would be tested and He has been preparing her in baby steps.

Some may ask "Why?  Why this road?", but not her.

She understands, accepts rather, that this furthers her objectification/humiliation and He knows her better than she knows herself.  Despite anything she may say, ultimately, she will enjoy it. 

Her hesitancy isn't born from fear of serving another or concern that she won't be capable of following through.  She knows all too well that she can and will, and possibly, that's what scares her most.  You see, her pussy and mouth tend to be a bit of a slut with a mind of their own, but that's a part of her past that she locked away a very long time ago...or so she thought.

She is drawn from her thoughts, back into the moment, when she hears a text come in on His phone, quickly followed by a knock at the door.  Any last hope she may have had that this was her Master's greatest mind fuck ever was quickly tossed out the window as she heard His footsteps leave her side and go to answer the door. 

The door opens and closes.  Now, there are in fact two sets of footsteps returning.  This is really happening and she is now completely helpless and on display...    



to be continued

 



 

   

A Good Talk and Renewed Focus

My post yesterday, Changing Needs, created a much needed talk between Master and myself last night while out on our date.  He had read the post and wanted to clarify that He does still enjoy doing all the wonderfully sadistic things to me and assured me that it's been our lack of time and privacy that has put a damper on these things, not a change in how He feels about me or our dynamic.  I have been feeling pretty unwanted lately so hearing this was quite a relief! 

During the discussion, I was able to tell Him (through my tears of course) that even though I work hard to complete all my necessary tasks and duties, I am missing the connection with Him that we once shared, particularly during our training, and feared that our dynamic would begin to crumble if we continued in the same direction.

Despite how difficult it was to talk about this, He agreed that we had probably reached a point where a certain amount of complacency had crept in and He promised that we will find a way to refocus on each other no matter how difficult with the demands of our everyday lives.

So, for starters and not particularly the direction I was expecting, we will be reverting back to a micro-management style of D/s for a while.  Even though I feel I know what needs to be done and how to do it, He firmly believes this will help us both to get back in-tune with each other.   

Also, we are going to sit down and review our existing rules. It's probably time to change things up a little.  Some of them are just really hard to adhere to given the family dynamic.

We talked a bit more about my servicing of others and He understands my concerns and hesitancy.  While it doesn't really change anything, I do trust that He will know if, and when, the time is right for both of us.     

In the midst of conversation, He asked me had I been performing my mantra each morning, which unfortunately, I had to admit that I had fallen off that wagon probably a couple of weeks ago.  He created my mantra last year and while it was quite appropriate at the time, I simply no longer feel a connection to it.  I think I have grown so much in my submission since then and it just doesn't seem to reflect where I am currently.  So, He is giving me an opportunity to create my own which I must present to Him before the end of today. Definitely got to work on that because I don't really have one in mind yet! 

Lastly, we decided to take a day off from work together, not this week but next.  YEAH!!  I am super excited about this.  While driving home from dinner, He drove by a particular hotel and told me to keep that in mind for our day off together. 

Also on our way home, He decided to take a bit of a detour, pulling in behind a closed shopping center and had me get our of the car.  We were like sneaky little teenagers while He had me posing for several topless pictures out in the open.  I haven't downloaded them yet but if any of them turned out good enough, I will maybe post them tomorrow. 

So...today I have certainly felt the shift in the air.  The day started with an amazing throat-filled cock sucking.  Despite retching all over Him a couple of times, I could feel my own juices dripping down my legs by the time I was done and I was horny as hell.  But after swallowing His load, I was dismissed to go clean all three bathrooms from top to bottom.  So cleaning is how I spent the majority of my day, making sure everything would stand up to the micro-management test.  Not really the type of "connection" I had been hoping for but it certainly reminds me of my status.   



   

Changing Needs

Last week, I decided to gently broach a topic with Master that had been on my mind for a little while.  While our D/s dynamic is still intact, the BDSM aspect of our relationship has sadly almost ceased to exist.  Now, our life is definitely busy and we have little to no privacy, so logically I know these things are partly to blame.  But I have begun to feel as if feeding His sadistic "beast" is not a pressing need for Him like it once was.

We were out for a walk the other day and I asked Him if inflicting pain was a need for Him anymore and was kind of caught off guard by His response.  He said that He still enjoys it to an extent but with our life the way it is right now, His hunger in that regard is somewhat diminished.  I can't remember His exact words but He also mentioned something to the effect of...everything He wanted to do to my body has now been done and admitted that His needs are now manifesting in other ways, such as furthering my public humiliation and having me service, and be used, by others.  For Him...this would be my ultimate submission.  Gulp...  

It's not like I didn't know this time would come.  He never pushed the issue but it's something He made me well aware of from the beginning.  I just can't be sure that I am in the same place He is at the moment.  Hell, I don't know if I will ever be there mentally.  Ultimately, I have committed to trust in His decisions and obey; however, I still find myself worrying about where that road will lead us for a variety of reasons. 

Up to this point, offering my body to Him was by far the biggest and hardest step in my surrender.  Even though there are plenty of times I don't necessarily like the pain in the moment, I worked hard to let go and find connection, intimacy, and even pleasure in these experiences.  Now, I am conditioned to it and crave it.  Since it is not so much a part of our daily life, I find myself deeply missing that connection with Him.

Is it possible that I can find the same connection with Him by being humiliated and submitting to servicing others?  I don't know...I just wish the mental tug of war in my head would stop.  What I do know, is it may not be today or tomorrow but the time is coming and I have to find a way to be at peace with it. 

My Corner of the Universe

When I first decided to surrender to my husband, I could have sworn that I possessed a more dominant personality and was merely working to make myself be submissive. 

Voila!  Then the light bulb went off.  Well, it really wasn't that easy but I now realize and accept that I was submissive all along.  It just took letting go of some very controlling behaviors to recognize my true nature. 

Let's talk about how this relates to my work.  I spent 15 years trying to climb the ladder, driven to achieve promotion after promotion, ultimately vying for the management position in my office.  I wanted the responsibility, to be in charge, make all the decisions, and do things MY way.

Three years ago, my dream came true.  Except...it's not so much a dream anymore. 

It took a while for me to get to this point but in my home life, I find that I am much happier not being in control and not having to make all the decisions.  That realization has brought about a lot of reflection in how I feel about being a manager.  I can be assertive and make decisions in any aspect of my life that I need to.  The problem is...now I just don't want to. 

If I had to guess, my manager is a dominant, which is probably why we work together so well.  I yield to his authority with no problem.  Not saying that I won't disagree with him when necessary, but ultimately, he is in charge and I am ok with that.   

As for the people that work for me, I deal with a great group of professional people that do their job and do it very well.  They make me look good, so in turn, I support them and make them look good. 

But there are always one or two that just test your patience.  This person continually tries to buck authority and feels their way is always right.  I admit, I hate conflict and I am not a quick thinker when put on the spot.  This makes for some challenging situations.   

I find myself saying more and more....I wish I could just go back to being responsible for my little corner of the universe.

Do you find that submission has changed how you feel in other aspects of your life?