Finally Here!

The pictures from our photo shoot are finally trickling in.  Four weeks of patiently waiting...and Words cannot begin to describe how excited I have been to see these!!   

Unfortunately, there are many that show our faces so I hate that I won't be able to post those but I hope you enjoy the ones I can share!

Such a simple pose but so much captured here!!

Photo taken by Depraved_Eros on Fetlife

Question from Anonymous...Vanilla to Full on D/s

The end of March is fast approaching which also means the end of Q & A month but that doesn't mean the questions have to end.  Please feel free to send them anytime.

This one came from anonymous....

Now that you are 2 years into your dynamic, maybe you could describe what the 2 years were like for you 2 prior to committing to be at his service.  Even though you had not resigned yourself that way, did some of your d/s elements still exist?  Did he create scenes for you?  Did you get any punishment for fun?  Did you play with toys and nipple clamps, etc.?  I guess I am trying to get a feel for did you go from very vanilla to a full on d/s relationship one day or was there more of an evolution process where you were seeing some of the d/s benefits without actually committing yourself to that dynamic prior to taking the leap.

Thank you for your question(s).  For those of you that might have missed it, this is a follow up to one that I answered here.

 

This seems like an easy question to answer but it's taken me a while to reflect back on that time in our lives.  I guess as we get older, things in the past all start to run together making it hard to keep the exact time frames accurate.

 

To answer the first part of the question...the only element of D/s that existed well before our dynamic was in the context of BDSM play.  Heron had always wanted control in the bedroom.  He did create scenes over the years that put me in the submissive role and Him the dominant role but I could never embrace it.  There was never any punishment.  We had some toys...fucking machine, dildos, vibrators, rope, cuffs, but no ouchie toys.  It didn't really matter though.  Internally, I fought any form of control He tried to have over me.  Scenes often ended with me in tears and fights between us. If it didn't happen right a way, it usually did a few days later.  

 

I remember one night in particular, probably about 2 years before our dynamic began, give or take a few months.  This night would be the last straw for Him.  After that, He locked that part of Himself away along with the few toys that we had.

 

He blindfolded me before leaving the house and drove me to an unfamiliar place, which turned out to be a mechanical room at His office.  It was after hours so He wasn't worried about anyone seeing us.  I was trying my best to go along with it for Him but I wasn't happy about it at all.  Honestly, I don't know what my issue was except that I wasn't in control of what was happening.

 

With the blindfold still on, He took me in the room, removed all my clothes, and tied me up spread eagle using some of the pipes above my head.  I don't remember what my legs were tied to but I most definitely remember Him sliding the fucking machine between my legs and turning it on.  It was a fairly mild scene, all meant to be pleasurable and it was.  I couldn't stop my body from enjoying it if I had wanted to.  But mentally, I was still fighting it and afterwards, my walls went sky high.  We had the same conversation that had plagued our marriage for years. Why do you need this?

So that was it.  That was when He gave up kink altogether.  Those two years were SO. VERY. VANILLA and it was obvious after a while that neither of us were getting our needs met.  The sex was good, just not very often and lacking intensity.  Blowjobs had never been something I enjoyed so those were once a month, if that.  

 

Really, it felt like we were roommates or very good friends.  No doubt we loved each other immensely, and we got along just fine but there was a fire in Him that I had done my best to extinguish.  I could see it...I could feel it.  

 

As a consolation, I tried to offer some kinky play from time to time.  There weren't many things I liked but I did like the hand spanking during sex, if I was in the mood and in control of offering it.  But He said that wasn't how it worked for Him, which usually caused more fights because I just couldn't understand what He meant by that. I took it to be some form of manipulation. But in reality, to keep the "beast" at bay, He had to keep it under lock and key at all times.  

So we existed...until I was ready.  Submission wasn't something He could force from me. I had alot of things in my past to work through first before I could be ready.  I also had a lot of social conditioning to work through.  I had been taught that allowing a man to have control was weakness. 

 

To answer the last part of your question about going from vanilla to complete D/s...I guess we kind of did.  Even though we had dabbled in BDSM through the years, that two years prior, we were completely vanilla.  And at the point that I told Him I was ready, He required my complete commitment to the D/s dynamic or He wasn't willing to open Himself up to the kind of hurt and rejection I had put Him through so many times.    

   

A Simple Comment

Beginning today, Daddy has a temporary reprieve from the school work that has been keeping him so busy. I don't think I've really ever discussed why he's going back to school. We both graduated many years ago. I have used my degree every day since, he has not. And while He has a good position, if He hopes to make Himself more marketable, it is going to be necessary to match education to work experience.

Anyways, it's been extremely trying on us all but I truly admire the fact that He's made such a commitment. There is no way I would want to go back to school at this stage of my life. Working for the government, I'm looking at being able to retire in less than a decade. How awesome is that?! Now whether I actually can is a completely different story.

But school takes up a lot of his evening and weekend time and even though He's in the house, He is typically barricaded in the office.  Now, I'm not perfect, not even close, but I have tried to maintain His expectations of my service, even if that meant self-direction.  Of course, I am always used sexually how and when the need suits Him, but honestly, much of the time I have felt pretty lonely and set aside.  But these are my issues and feelings I try not to burden Him with it all because it's a temporary situation and He doesn't need any more stress.

However, yesterday was the end of one eight week session and the next doesn't start until next month. So He announces, while we were driving along from one place to another, that we would be "getting back to it" starting today.

We continued down the road a ways and I just stared out the window, mulling over that comment. On the one hand, it excited me that He would finally have some decent time for us, but what He said, and the way I was interpreting it, really wasn't sitting well.

It’s not as if I get a break from being submissive or from being His slave.  So in my mind, there wasn’t anything I needed to “get back to”.  The more I thought about it, the worse it was getting and I was dangerously close saying something that I would probably regret.

So, I waited a few minutes and tried to talk myself off that ledge. But something had to be said, I just had to figure out how to say it...politely.  Finally, I asked if I could make a comment. He told me to speak my mind so I chose my words carefully. I explained, that in my opinion, I had stayed accountable in my service to Him but His comment made it seem as if my efforts were being negated.

He assured me that my service wasn’t in question and He only meant to make light of the fact that He would have more time for me, for maintenance, and for play. The conversation instantly put my mind at ease, but isn't it crazy how one simple comment can be so easily misconstrued?

 

Voicing Opinions

In response to my recent post Lazy Days and Questions, one reader asked:

My question is about the second part of your post. In your relationship as Husband/wife, to what extent are you allowed to voice your opinion as a spouse and not as a sub (even if it opposite to his)?

This is a really good question and I actually sat down and talked with Heron about his perspective on this question before I answered just to make sure that my take on it is correct.


So, we kind of boiled it down to a few key issues: sex, money, and kids.  These tend to be the most common areas of disagreement between married couples, right?

We never so much fought about money, mainly stressed over it, but we did have our fair share of arguments about sex and the kids.

Do I get to voice my opinion as a spouse?  Absolutely!  I am always free to voice my opinion...always have been free to.  Except maybe when it comes to sex now.  Well, even that, I can voice my opinion...but I just don't think my opinion matters much in that regard. 

Overall, He values my what I think and tells me all the time how smart and perceptive I am.  Whether we live in a D/s dynamic or not, we are still life partners and want what's best for each other and our family. 

However, what being submissive has taught me is there is always a time, place, and manner in which to express said opinions.  Loudly, disrespectfully, or perhaps in front of others, is not going to be in my best interest. My tone and style of communication is altogether different...all the time. 

For example, with the kids, I may not agree with how He has chosen to deal with something.  Used to be, I would have gotten really fired up about it and quite possibly "called Him down" in front of them, undermining His authority.  I might have even been right in what I was saying but my MO was horrible.  I see that now.  If I have an issue, I wait and discuss it with Him privately afterwards.  I may bite my tongue off in the process but because I am not approaching it aggressively, there is no need for Him to get defensive. Therefore, He actually listens to what I am saying and is much more likely to see and agree with my viewpoint.

With money, even though He manages the finances, we always discuss budget and big purchase items.  Could He buy that nice new boat He is dying to have?  Sure.  He doesn't require my permission to do that but we discuss all major decisions and He respects what I feel may or may not be in the best interest of our family. 

Sometimes my input gives Him a different perspective, sometimes I am His sounding board, and sometimes my words speak to His conscience. 

So yes, I am free to speak my opinion, even when it differs from His.  But I no longer see a distinction between speaking to Him as a wife or a sub. 

I am always His wife...I am always His submissive. 

And weighing my words isn't even a conscious decision I make anymore, it's just something that happens.. 

Not saying that I don't get angry or upset sometimes, but there isn't a timeout, so to speak, where I am granted the freedom to say what I want, however I want.  For the sake of keeping communication constructive, I always stay respectful.  And arguing...well, no matter what the situation, that just isn't going to happen.  

I admit though, if I am guilty of anything, it may be stating my opinion one too many times if I feel my point isn't getting across.  In that case, He'll give me the "That's enough!" and I know it's time to cool it. 

Thank you, Charlie for the question!  

Who Can You Talk To?

Thank you to one of my readers for sending me some questions to write about.  My motivation to write lately has been in the toilet as I have been spending an over abundance of time researching and implementing a paleo diet for the family.  Well, truthfully, it's mostly for Heron and I.  The kids get to still eat of some of the stuff they like.  But overall, it takes ALOT of work.  Maybe I will post more about it later.

Anyways, this reader was curious about our dynamic in the company of others.    

Well, the short version is that we are almost always in the company of others but mainly family, neighbors, or other parents at soccer events so our dynamic is pretty well discrete.  There may be certain things between us that only we know the meaning but mostly no one would catch on. It could be as simple as wearing my hair a particular way, waiting for him to begin eating first, or walking just slightly behind him.  Regardless of who is around, I always stop what I am doing and greet him.  When speaking to him, or about him, it's always respectful.  Yes, it's possible that someone could pick up on the hints of power exchange between us, but I'm not overly concerned about it because hopefully it just comes off as me being a loving and attentive wife.

Is there any element of D/s when you two go out with another couple?

We have never been much for going out with other couples.  Unfortunately, both of us kind of lost our youths early and because of that, didn't maintain many friendships into adulthood. There have been times through the years it has really bothered me...that we didn't have a group of friends to hang out with, go to dinners or get our families together for cookouts.

We did meet a couple through FL about a year ago and have gone out with them several times.  Even though they are fully aware of our dynamic and are very accepting, they are not in the dynamic themselves, so we have felt it best to keep it low-key in front of them so as to not place them in any uncomfortable situations, other than maybe Him ordering for me. 

Are any of his friends aware of the dynamic? Are any of yours?

I am going to assume that this question is referring to friends outside of the lifestyle. 

Heron does have one friend that knows and has shared quite a bit about our dynamic with him.  In fact, when I first started my blog, Heron gave him the address and he has been keeping up with it since!

I, on the other hand, really don't have any friends that I consider close enough to share this part of my life. I lost touch, way back when with all my friends from school and even though there have been several good friends since then, they have all come and gone out of my life for one reason or another.  As a manager, I am not afforded the ability to make friends and confide in anyone at work.  For the most part, my circle of girlfriends the past decade or so has been the moms of my daughters friends.  And I find I don't really have much in common with any of them. Plus it tends to get awkward the moment when your kids get into a fight or simply outgrow each other and no longer hang out. So, I tend to now steer away from hanging out with them. My dynamic isn't something I would have ever shared with them anyways because they seem to be a gossipy bunch and I certainly would never want my child judged for my activities.

If my little sister was still here, I suspect I might have shared it with her.  She lived her life pretty wide open and would never have judged me for anything.  Knowing her, she probably would have thought it was pretty cool.  I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss having her to talk to. 

Do you have an external confidant that you can bounce things off of?     

Luckily, I do have a couple of ladies that I have met through the lifestyle.  If I needed to talk about something, they would listen and give me honest feedback from their perspective.  Through my blog, I have also made some online acquaintances, both male and female, which have helped tremendously and they are always just an email away.   

"Working" Wardrobe

Thank you for this question from Anonymous...

 

Your recent post discussed your career and possible new job opportunities. How do you manage your professional life and the standard every day wardrobe (or lack there of) requirements of your master?

10. I cannot wear bra or panties unless permission is granted otherwise.

11. All outfit choices must be approved and unless permission is given otherwise, must be a skirt or dress, and if stockings are worn they must be thigh highs or garters.

 

At first, I thought this would be difficult expectation to fulfill but it just requires a little common sense, communication, and compromise on certain occasions, such as my recent interview or other formal meetings. 

 

Getting permission for certain outfit choices usually isn't a big deal because He typically buys all the clothes I wear anyways.  Each Christmas, He pretty much buys me an entire wardrobe of matching outfits, sometimes with shoes and accessories even.  He makes sure to include outfits for all different occasions, including work.  I know if He's picked it out, He likes it.   

 

I have to admit though, I am glad that you pointed out rule #11 because I realize I have been pretty remiss in laying out my outfit choices in advance for His approval. He hasn't said anything but I might ought to check in with Him on this specific rule:) 

 

With the clothes I have for work, it's fairly easy to hide what's under (or not under) since Master allows me to maintain a professional image as far as the style of clothes I wear to work.  

 

In winter, I have blanket permission to wear pants as I see fit.  When I wear pants, I may also wear panties.  I sometimes wear skirts in the winter but they are always long enough to conceal the fact that I am wearing thigh highs and no panties.  In the summer, I almost always wear skirts and even though I am bare legged with heels, my skirts are still long enough so that no one would suspect my panty-less status. 

 

As far as tops, I pretty much wear the same thing during the winter and summer.  They are usually somewhat conservative and the fact that I don't have on a bra can simply be concealed by wearing a light sweater or cover, which works just about any time of the year considering how cold it stays in my building year round. 

 

My Master does understand the professional position that I am in and tries very hard to make sure that I am not put into any situation that could jeopardize my status.

 

When I had the job interview, He knew I would be wearing my pant suit and I asked Him on that occasion if I could also wear a bra.  The key phrase in my rules is "unless permission is granted".  So it is really up to me to weigh the situation and if there needs to be consideration made for a certain situation, I just ask.  

 

 

 

 

 

Round 2 of Answers: Banned Implements, Swallowing, and Blogging

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Mending Fences

It kind of goes without saying that this has been a week of reflection for us both.  We have spent quite a bit of time just being...relaxing together, catching up on the new show True Detective and talking about things a little at a time.

It upsets me that recent events threatened to unravel the fabric of our dynamic, but sometimes as unsettling as it can be, re-evaluation is necessary and in the end, hopefully helps us both to grow.

The issue was servicing others or being "loaned out" and it's not something I take lightly. I constantly struggle with the idea of it and always worry about any risks that could be introduced into our marriage and cause permanent damage.  While I had done it once in the past and did enjoy the experience, this time, the circumstances felt all wrong. I think He realizes that now as well.  Had I respectfully expressed my concerns at the time, He would have understood and agreed.  

Now, I don't consider myself at all bratty. He would never tolerate that. However, I admit to requiring a bit of affection and attention along with A LOT of reassurance.  Without proper attention given to the maintenance of our dynamic, the lack of intimacy and connection over the past few months have left me frustrated and feeling neglected, only working to steadily fuel my self-doubt and insecurities.  Rather than talk to Him about these issues, I withdrew into myself, hoping not to burden Him further.

I knew the moment He issued the order, I was far from the appropriate headspace and following through might very well have put my mental state in jeopardy.  Besides being angry, my first thought was he's too busy to want or need me for Himself so He is casting me aside and sending me elsewhere.   I needed Him and the security only He could provide me, not to be given away.

So, where are we now?

We know this isn't something that we want to give up.  It's not just something we do, it's who we are now.  We haven't been able to go about our days without feeling like something was just...missing.
 
He is determined to make more time for us so that our dynamic is fed and maintained because I need to feel His ownership.  It wouldn't be fair to expect me to meet all His needs, if I am left feeling that mine are not being met. 

We have discussed the issues I have with expectations of servicing other men and while I am not completely off the hook, He has offered me a reasonable compromise.

At this point, the ball is in my court.  The choice...whether I will accept the terms of my surrender with the understanding that if I disobey again, it will most definitely be the end of the dynamic.

 
Oh but there will be a little matter of punishment that I am due. Yikes...scary thinking how bad it's going to be, given that I stand accused of committing the cardinal sin in His book!

Decisions...decisions 

                

Now We Wait

 

 

Wait to talk about it...

 

Wait to see if we renegotiate our agreement...

 

Wait to see wait to see if we end our dynamic...

He needs time and space to figure out how, or if, we proceed.  His concern is that my disobedience will open the door to challenging Him next time. 

I don't see it that way, but it's not for me to see and not for me to decide.  I only know that as His slave, I am not afforded the choice to pick and choose the things in which I submit.  I submit as He desires and up to this point I always have, even when it has been most difficult. 

So what do you when you reach a point when you know you can't, or won't rather? 

I guess we all find out if pushed to that point.

Hopefully, there will be a way to work it out but if my continuing to be His slave hinges on my ability to follow through with this one thing, then I guess I have to prepare myself for the dynamic to end.

As sad as it makes me, I don't regret bringing the issue to light.  I only regret that it may have damaged the mutual trust we have in each other as Master and slave.

Luckily, our marriage is solid so we will be fine either way but it would just be different to go back.     

As of right now, I have been relieved of any and all of my duties and "obligations".  My collar is put away and I am free to be my own person.   

I cried a lot yesterday and felt like a little lost puppy trying to find ways to occupy my time and keep my brain from spinning in circles. 

It seemed weird after almost a year, to actually have the freedom to put on one my one of my beautiful bras but I have so been missing them.  So that was the first thing I did with my new found freedom. 

Thanks to everyone who reached out with support and encouragement.  I will keep you posted. 



 

The Tale of Two Fucking Machines

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Those Days

Ever have those days (who am I kidding)...more like weeks or months when you just wish you had a little less of this...

 

 

And a bit more of this...

Definitely more of this...

But mostly more of this...

 

A girl can wish right?!

KOTW: Thoughts on Being Collared

Had anyone told me even 2 years ago that I would be involved in an M/s relationship I would have thought that person was crazy.  I surely would have thought that person even more crazy had they suggested that I would willingly and proudly wear a symbol of ownership, such as a collar.

We began our D/s journey in June 2012 and it all began with a contract.  I know contracts are highly debated and I don't intend to get into that here but it's what worked for us.  At that time, outside of wearing a collar during play, there was no mention of collaring or even developing a Master/slave relationship.

Honestly, when I first submitted to Him, I didn't even know there was even such a thing as collaring.  Once I did find out, I certainly wasn't interested in wearing something that I thought was more appropriate on a dog.  Wearing a permanent sign of ownership...nope...not for me.   

After about 6 months, the D/s lifestyle was iffie for us, we struggled quite a bit.  We didn't want to give up but soon came to the realization that we both needed to make a larger commitment to ourselves and to each other.  Around January of this year, we began shifting into a Master/slave dynamic and I really made a concerted effort to better educate myself in all aspects of slavery.

I had experienced the positive impact submission had on our relationship so my walls and negative perceptions related to being owned had already begun to crumble.  Soon, I wanted nothing more than to be considered His slave and I remember reading something on Fet that sparked my interest in collaring.  The idea of wearing a "day" collar, one that could worn in the vanilla world but carried the same intent, intrigued me.  Master was pleased when I mentioned this to Him because He had apparently already been putting some thought into collaring me.

Earning His collar would not come easily though.  I would endure months of training, which is another highly debated topic that I don't intend to get into here.  He intended for training to push me, push my boundaries, and mold me into exactly the slave He wanted me to be.  Only then, would I be worthy of wearing His collar.

Collaring Ceremony


The 3 days leading up to collaring were by far the toughest, meant to push my boundaries on many different levels.  After our last session was over and I was dressed and ready to go out to dinner, Master called me upstairs.  My gut was telling me what was about to happen but I didn't want to get my hopes up.  Then I saw the candles lit and the glow of the collar sitting in front of me as I walked into the room.  One of the things I love about Him, is how diabolical and sadistic He can be on one hand, and so thoughtful and romantic on the other.

He had designed this moment so beautifully and it will be one that I will never forget.  He asked me to remove my clothes and kneel at His feel as I felt the smooth metal of the collar locking  around my neck, signifying to us both that I belong to Him completely.

He had something prepared that He wanted to say...some vows so to speak.  The short version is that He promised to guide and protect me, honor my feelings and needs, and tend to my happiness, health, and well-being.  I, in turn, accepted to follow Him on this journey, and to serve and belong to Him. 

Then He began read to me an excerpt from a book and I could no longer hold back my tears.   

The story told of  a man becoming completely "intoxicated" by the song of a Nightbird.  The sound of this Nightbird consumed his thoughts and so "enraptured" him that it consumed his soul.

Choking up as He spoke (which let me say does not happen typically), He whispered to me you are my Nightbird.

This private moment, which was exactly one year to the day of us signing our original contract, was more special and emotional for us both than the day we exchanged our wedding vows 18 years ago.         

The front is engraved with the words..."Owned by Heron"

The back is engraved with the words..."As I Own His Heart".

Obviously, this isn't a collar I can wear in the vanilla world so we went the next day to purchase a Pandora bangle bracelet which I wear every day.  I love the idea of being able to add charms that will have special meaning just for us and of course my first was His birthstone.

What an amazing journey this has been so far!  What an amazing man/Husband/Master I belong to!


  
This is my first writing for KOTW but the topic was so near and dear to my heart, I knew I had to post an entry. I had blogged several months ago about my collaring ceremony so I transferred some of the text to this post. 


   

A Good Talk and Renewed Focus

My post yesterday, Changing Needs, created a much needed talk between Master and myself last night while out on our date.  He had read the post and wanted to clarify that He does still enjoy doing all the wonderfully sadistic things to me and assured me that it's been our lack of time and privacy that has put a damper on these things, not a change in how He feels about me or our dynamic.  I have been feeling pretty unwanted lately so hearing this was quite a relief! 

During the discussion, I was able to tell Him (through my tears of course) that even though I work hard to complete all my necessary tasks and duties, I am missing the connection with Him that we once shared, particularly during our training, and feared that our dynamic would begin to crumble if we continued in the same direction.

Despite how difficult it was to talk about this, He agreed that we had probably reached a point where a certain amount of complacency had crept in and He promised that we will find a way to refocus on each other no matter how difficult with the demands of our everyday lives.

So, for starters and not particularly the direction I was expecting, we will be reverting back to a micro-management style of D/s for a while.  Even though I feel I know what needs to be done and how to do it, He firmly believes this will help us both to get back in-tune with each other.   

Also, we are going to sit down and review our existing rules. It's probably time to change things up a little.  Some of them are just really hard to adhere to given the family dynamic.

We talked a bit more about my servicing of others and He understands my concerns and hesitancy.  While it doesn't really change anything, I do trust that He will know if, and when, the time is right for both of us.     

In the midst of conversation, He asked me had I been performing my mantra each morning, which unfortunately, I had to admit that I had fallen off that wagon probably a couple of weeks ago.  He created my mantra last year and while it was quite appropriate at the time, I simply no longer feel a connection to it.  I think I have grown so much in my submission since then and it just doesn't seem to reflect where I am currently.  So, He is giving me an opportunity to create my own which I must present to Him before the end of today. Definitely got to work on that because I don't really have one in mind yet! 

Lastly, we decided to take a day off from work together, not this week but next.  YEAH!!  I am super excited about this.  While driving home from dinner, He drove by a particular hotel and told me to keep that in mind for our day off together. 

Also on our way home, He decided to take a bit of a detour, pulling in behind a closed shopping center and had me get our of the car.  We were like sneaky little teenagers while He had me posing for several topless pictures out in the open.  I haven't downloaded them yet but if any of them turned out good enough, I will maybe post them tomorrow. 

So...today I have certainly felt the shift in the air.  The day started with an amazing throat-filled cock sucking.  Despite retching all over Him a couple of times, I could feel my own juices dripping down my legs by the time I was done and I was horny as hell.  But after swallowing His load, I was dismissed to go clean all three bathrooms from top to bottom.  So cleaning is how I spent the majority of my day, making sure everything would stand up to the micro-management test.  Not really the type of "connection" I had been hoping for but it certainly reminds me of my status.   



   

How I Became Submissive

Lately, several people have asked, "How did you become submissive?"  or "How did you and your husband get started in this dynamic after living a vanilla life so long?" 

Well, I can certainly say it wasn't an easy decision and was not an easy change in our life together. 

In my earlier writings, I have admitted to previously being the very vanilla partner.  My husband, however, as long as we have been married, has never been vanilla.  His kinks were and are very deep and quite frankly scared the shit out of me.  After much fighting though the years, to keep me happy, He sacrificed His needs and we lived a vanilla life with me pretty much in charge of everything.   

It's taken me years to work through the demons of my past and when I finally looked at what was lacking in our relationship and intimacy, I thought long and hard on the discussions we had in the past about His needs. 

The lightbulb finally came on in my head and I sat down with my Husband sometime around the beginning of June in 2012 and said " I am really ready to try things your way".  His initial reaction, and rightly so, was skepticism.  I had told Him this in the past but only made it through one of two kinky days of sex and then would fall apart.  He wasn't willing to open Himself up to this type of disappointment again and I really didn't blame Him.

We continued talking about it for several days and experimented with a couple of fairly mild BDSM sessions.  Previously, my reaction to BDSM had always been to burst out crying or completely shut down emotionally.  So in these first few sessions, He worked very hard to read my body language, not push me too far, and I fought the urge to shut down.  To my amazement, I started to experience just how powerful our connection was when I submitted my body to Him. 

Things rocked along pretty good for a couple of weeks and then I started feeling overwhelmed.  I talked to my Husband about needing more from Him in the decision making aspect of our life.  It was too difficult for me to be the dominant one in my job and home life, and then let all that go the moment we got into the bedroom. 

Even though I didn't understand at the time, my Husband certainly understood that basically I was seeking a  D/s dynamic. 

So starting with one rule, I was told that I could no longer curse.  Breaking the rule usually resulted in, what I would consider now, a mild spanking. 

By the end of June, my Husband had drafted a contract which explicitly outlined each of our roles, rules, expectations, etc.  and clearly indicated a huge lifestyle change.  This was about to get real!!

In previous posts, I have already discussed why this contract was so important for us, but the short version is that when I signed that contract, I made a conscious decision to surrender all of myself to Him. 

I promised to trust His decisions and guidance, obey His commands, and serve in any way pleasing to Him. 

So what did the next 6 months look like??

I didn't start my blogging until the beginning of 2013, so I realized there is several months, and quite possible the most important months that are completely unaccounted for.  As we struggled, my Husband (who I will call Master from this point forward), was pouring through research to educate Himself. 

The one thing He learned was how important it is for your sub to journal, so this soon became a requirement for me.  It helped me process and work through some of my emotions in a non-threatening manner.  He could then read and see where my head was at, what I liked, and what I didn't like. 

He assigned more rules and tasks and this is where we started having some issues.  My vanilla reactions to being told what to do were not easy to break.  I learned quickly that sighing and eye-rolling were definitely a no-no and failure to do what was expected meant punishment.   

I was easily frustrated because I have so much going on every day in my life and it was easy to forget the little tasks I had been assigned.  To no avail, I fought tooth and nail making excuses for myself.

We had discussions about positive feedback.  There was a point in time where I felt the only feedback I was getting was negative, which was discouraging to my submission.  Master acknowledged that He was not so good in this area and worked to provide more of a balance. 

Eventually, as the current rules and tasks became routine, He would know it was time to add another.

I studied new cock sucking techniques/tricks or anything else that would be helpful in satisfying his sexual needs.  

We worked on learning some basic slave positions, increasing my pain tolerance by intermingling pain and pleasure, and some basics in humiliation.  I know that sounds horrible but was necessary in our relationship to re-program my status as no longer the equal partner and it just so happens to be a huge turn on for Him.  I was also introduced to my mantra, various punishment techniques, and maintenance spankings.   

Overall, some days were good and some were not so good.  On the bad days, when we were both ready to give up, He would ask if I wanted out of the contract.  This was like a slap to the face for me and would only mean one thing...FAILURE!!  Acceptance in all things was what I had committed to. So, I would simply commit myself to trying harder and taking each day as it came...never looking forward and never looking backwards. 

At the beginning of the year, my Master charged me with starting a blog rather than journaling. I had not become a member of Fetlife at that point and had never spoken to anyone within the lifestyle.  I felt like this little island with no one to talk to except my Master, and let's face it, sometimes you need to talk to someone else.  Despite how much I hated that idea of a blog, I did as I was told and was quite discouraged that no one seemed to be reading it. 

After a month or so, all of that changed.  I was receiving encouragement from people that didn't even know me but liked my posts and shared my experiences and I could just feel this feeding my submission.  Things got even better once I started meeting people and attending local events.

The rest of the story (how we moved from D/s to M/s)...well I think it all pretty well documented but it started when I expressed desire to be collared, which is something I never thought would have interested me.

Remember, everyone's experience will be different.  For those of you just starting out, find what feeds your submission!!

It's a journey, don't expect change overnight.  Most importantly, have fun and as someone once told me..."Embrace the Journey"!




     

Being MY Master's Slave

What does being a slave look like in my relationship?

Surrendering to His will in all things.

This does not mean that I don't have control of certain aspects of my life but He has decided what I am in control of and what I am not.  Amazingly, this has stilled the inner rage and turmoil that I have carried for so long. 

My fulfillment is in seeing Him happy...happy with us and happy with me.

We spent almost 20 years together without me really knowing how to make him happy.  If I am completely honest, I probably didn't care too much.  I was too focused on my own thoughts and feelings.

Even though we have so much going on in our life at any given moment, I put His needs above everything else.

If He wants a drink, I get it.  If He wants His feet rubbed, I do it.  If He wants to use any part of my body for His own pleasure, well, it is His to do with as He likes.

Being respectful and humble to Him and others around me.

My attitude and demeanor is always a direct reflection of His training and guidance.  I conduct myself in a way that brings pride to Him. 

Never telling Him "NO", "I CAN'T", or "I DON'T WANT TO".

Enough said:)

Taking accountability when I have displeased Him.

I do not intentionally make mistakes.  The penalty for that would be way too high.  My goal is to always be the best slave possible for Him.  However, I am human and don't claim to be perfect.  Rather than argue and make excuses for my failure, I have learned to admit it, apologize, and accept whatever punishment He deems necessary, whether physical and/or mental. 

Trusting that His direction and discipline will feed and strengthen my service...continually keeping the pathway open for full communication and a deeper connection and intimacy between us.

The only limits between us are those that He establishes.  He is well aware of any limits and inhibitions of mine, and takes great responsibility with pushing my boundaries to a point that He is comfortable.  While it is always my responsibility to disclose my thoughts and feelings, I must acknowledge when I have said enough and do what is asked regardless of how I may feel.

Taking pride in being His "property".

I unconditionally accept anything Master may chose to do with me.  In doing so, He will see that my needs of safety and well-being are met, my life enriched, and I will be bound to Him through His love and desire.

Regrets and Redemption

There was a thread on Fetlife the other day that struck such a deep chord in me.  I wrote a short reply on the topic but really felt like I had so much more to say.  It was about "regrets" you have had since being introduced to the D/s or BDSM lifestyle.  Unfortunately, I think I could write a book on the ups and downs (well, mostly downs) we have faced through our marriage on this topic prior to my commitment into submission.

I was only 19 when we met in college and I had very little experience sexually, and none that I had enjoyed before Him.   We instantly fell in love but I had just come out of a VERY controlling relationship which ended traumatically.  Unfortunately, the unresolved issues that I would be left to cope with would haunt us for years to come...we just didn't realize it yet. 

Fast forward, a couple of years through dating and wedding.  It wasn't long after we were married that I realized my Master might be bent a little differently when it came to sex.  He was and is really quite conservative and shy.  So, when this kinky side of Him appeared, I really didn't know what to think and quite honestly, it scared me.  I was also angry at Him for not sharing this with me before we were married.  Regardless of how I felt, I tried for Him.  I let Him tie me up, spank me a little, or use clothespins on my nipples.  It always ended up the same way...with me in tears and feeling horrible about myself.  Even just listening to Him call me dirty names left me feeling dead inside for days afterwards.  My fear of being out of control absolutely brought out the worst in me and I began to shut down in our marriage.  The feeling that we could never make each other happy consumed me and after a couple of years, I chose to leave Him.  Obviously, we got back together or that would be where my story ends:) I did come to my senses and return to Him after about a year but it was on vanilla only terms.

After several more years, the topic of kink started coming back into the picture.  I could feel He wasn't completely connected to me physically and we would hash it out every 6 months or so.  It was always the same discussion and it was so painful for both of us.  I needed more attention and affection but He couldn't give it to me.  The only way He could hold back His dominant tendencies was to hold back completely. The sex was still good, but the true passion was missing. 

Funny thing was, at this point, on rare occasions, I actually liked the thought of being spanked and and tied up.  I tried to convince Him that maybe we could do it "when I felt like it" and was hurt when He explained that it couldn't work like that for Him.  This didn't make any sense to me...why did it have to be all or nothing?  This line in the sand left me feeling completely inadequate and angry.  Rather than educating myself of the subject and trying to understand Him better, I lashed out with horrible and hurtful things that made Him feel less of a person...and worse...less of a man.  I told Him that there was something wrong with Him, that what He wanted from me "wasn't normal", and was abusive.  Oh God...it makes me sick now thinking what I did and how horrible I was.  And He loved me anyway!   

But this was case closed for Him and I was assured under no circumstances would it ever be brought up again. 

So, how did we get to where we are now?  Luckily, I was ready to finally let go of my control issues.  My past was just that...my past...not my future.  That lesson didn't come easy though, it was through the loss of someone very close to me.  I was thankful for the good man, family and life I had but the sex left alot to be desired.  So, during sex, my mind started taking me to places I had never been before but I was so ashamed and kept these thoughts to myself for a long while. 

Then, I discovered erotic books and found that my fantasies of being "taken" against my will, being held down and fucked by multiple men and women, and so on and so on...wasn't so abnormal.  Not that I necessarily want these things to happen in real life, but it was a sure sign my inner submissive was screaming to come out!  I also could finally appreciate the fantasies and needs my Husband had all along.  I couldn't get enough...reading story after story.  I don't know if it was the books or if I was just hitting my sexual prime but my libido kicked into overdrive and I was turned on like never before.  I got the nerve to talk with Him about my fantasies and told Him I was really ready to try it His way.  Of course with my previous behavior, who would have blamed Him for being hesitant.  Thankfully, He got on board with the idea pretty quickly! ;-) 

Well, kinky quickly turned into full time D/s and even though we have hit a few bumps in the road, we haven't looked back since.  I think I mentioned it in my post Surrendering Control, the key for me to submit in the bedroom was submission in all things first.  We finally figured out where we were going wrong after all those years!  He just hates that we wasted so much time.  Although, I don't know if, even willingly, I could have handled Him as a younger and much more energetic sadist!   

Now, since I spent the first 20 years being a complete ass about His needs, I only hope to spend the next 20 years making up for it by being everything He ever needed me to be...the best submissive possible.  That will be my redemption:)

       

24/7 D/s in our 24/7 Vanilla Life

For those of you who have been reading my blog, you might have started to pick on the fact that my Master and I have a pretty busy family life.  It is so difficult at times to focus on our relationship when we are pulled in different directions by so many different variables.  I am sure others of you face this challenge as well.  Have you ever been to the point of frustration and just really have to laugh at how comical it all is?

There is nothing that can take you out of the proper frame of mind like getting your ass spanked in the closet only to be interrupted with a knock at the door followed by..."Mom!  Will you come help me with my homework?"  Now, please don't think that our kids can hear what is going on or that we would ever do anything with them in close proximity.  My Master has figured out which implements are more quiet for situations such as this.   

The switch is one such implement that delivers quite a sting with almost no noise at all.  Also, if he feels that my tits need punishment but we aren't in a situation that allows for a true spanking, he will use what's called a "silent spanking". For those of you that haven't experienced this, it is Capsaicin cream (arthritis pain relief).  The first time He spread this on my nipples, I didn't feel anything at first and thought to myself "what's the big deal?".  HOLY COW, about 10 minutes into sitting down at the dinner table, I wanted to come out of my chair when the sting hit me!  The intense burning will last about about 20 minutes.  Quite an effective tit spanking and He never touched me and nobody around us knew any better. 

Our little "secret" makes it all more exciting!

Even though our household situation limits the amount of physical contact we have at times, I work hard to focus on my overall demeanor making sure that He knows I am still thinking of Him and my submission all the time. 

I would be interested to hear how you incorporate your D/s lifestyle into family life...