Last week, I decided to gently broach a topic with Master that had been on my mind for a little while. While our D/s dynamic is still intact, the BDSM aspect of our relationship has sadly almost ceased to exist. Now, our life is definitely busy and we have little to no privacy, so logically I know these things are partly to blame. But I have begun to feel as if feeding His sadistic "beast" is not a pressing need for Him like it once was.
We were out for a walk the other day and I asked Him if inflicting pain was a need for Him anymore and was kind of caught off guard by His response. He said that He still enjoys it to an extent but with our life the way it is right now, His hunger in that regard is somewhat diminished. I can't remember His exact words but He also mentioned something to the effect of...everything He wanted to do to my body has now been done and admitted that His needs are now manifesting in other ways, such as furthering my public humiliation and having me service, and be used, by others. For Him...this would be my ultimate submission. Gulp...
It's not like I didn't know this time would come. He never pushed the issue but it's something He made me well aware of from the beginning. I just can't be sure that I am in the same place He is at the moment. Hell, I don't know if I will ever be there mentally. Ultimately, I have committed to trust in His decisions and obey; however, I still find myself worrying about where that road will lead us for a variety of reasons.
Up to this point, offering my body to Him was by far the biggest and hardest step in my surrender. Even though there are plenty of times I don't necessarily like the pain in the moment, I worked hard to let go and find connection, intimacy, and even pleasure in these experiences. Now, I am conditioned to it and crave it. Since it is not so much a part of our daily life, I find myself deeply missing that connection with Him.
Is it possible that I can find the same connection with Him by being humiliated and submitting to servicing others? I don't know...I just wish the mental tug of war in my head would stop. What I do know, is it may not be today or tomorrow but the time is coming and I have to find a way to be at peace with it.