Saturday, July 9, 2016

Long Overdue

I realize this post is long overdue.  Quite frankly, I haven't been able to bring myself to sit down and write...anything.  Until today.

This year has been a tough one.  Our dynamic took a backseat for quite a while, probably since around September of last year when Heron started having gallbladder problems.   

He had surgery at the end of October and by the time he recovered, the holidays were right upon us.  The start of this year was no easier than the end of the last.  Work was very demanding for both of us, my father had several major surgeries, and my mother had one as well. Of course, I am in essence her care giver so that was a challenge.  Can't forget the kids either.  As they get older, their schedules and needs just seems to get more complicated.

All of this left almost no energy for us to nurture our dynamic. And in the chaos of all going on, our vanilla life became comfortable...for me anyways.     

I still served in the capacity that I could but after a while, I began to realize that I didn't miss the punishments.  I didn't miss the fear of some humiliating task.  I didn't miss pain.  There were a lot of things I didn't miss.

Our connection still seemed strong though.  Despite all that was going on around us, we leaned on each other and found peace and comfort even though life was quite vanilla. I knew he was giving me the time and space I needed.

Admittedly, I began spending way too much time on Fetlife.  I don't know what was going on other than I was using that as an escape from my life.  I enjoyed the attention, until I didn't anymore, and then I pretty much abandoned that as well.

For a really long time, I had felt so over extended that my only solution was to withdraw from everyone and commit to focusing only on work, the kids, and Heron.  

We tried a few times to revitalize the active dynamic but each time, we faced some set back.  And honestly, I was mostly relieved.  Whenever he mentioned "getting back on track", it was almost like panic set in, resistance set in, and in some ways even resentment crept in.

Who knows now...it might have come to fruition or it might not have but he mentioned several times that he needed to come up with something that would challenge me even more than last year.  But some of the experiences had taken a toll on me, probably more so than we realized since I have a tendency to bury my feelings until they come forth later, usually quite unexpectedly.

Being disconnected from the dynamic, I had also started to see that I had adopted my submission so well, that I had lost my edge at work and with my kids.  I had given up so much control that I lost confidence in controlling any situation no matter what the environment.  And I was just starting to get that confidence back.   

I remember standing in the kitchen during one of these "we need to get back on track" conversations and I asked him if we could keep things the way they were. 

Yes...I was comfortable.  Not being challenged had become comfortable. 
 
So when we went on vacation at the beginning of the summer, and he questioned me, questioned my ability to give 100%...I admitted that I couldn't. I knew what 100% meant.  It meant being challenged.  It meant giving up all control again. And what scared me the most, was it meant recommitting myself to do whatever he wanted, even if it was something I didn't agree with.

The conversation didn't go at all the way I expected it.  I didn't expect to be choosing release right then and there, but that is what happened.  I had only intended to communicate that I didn't feel I could submit to the level he needed me to and still be myself and the person I needed to be outside of our relationship. Over the period of the next couple weeks, I tried to talk to him about it.  I felt that there had to be a way that we could negotiate something that would allow both of our needs to be met while still honoring our D/s commitment to each other.

But Heron is and always has been an all or nothing person. This would be no different.  There would be no negotiation, no limits, no conditions.  And if I wasn't willing to agree to all, then there would be nothing...not even bedroom kink.  I watched with a broken heart as he began almost immediately getting rid of all of our toys and implements. I can't stand that I've hurt him. He feels that maybe he cared about all of this more than I ever did, which couldn't be further from the truth.

On one hand, it all makes me very sad.  On the other, his being so rigid makes me a bit angry.

But all I can do is respect his position.  The readjustment is hard for us both, probably for him more so than me because I had already begun to mentally disengage from the dynamic months ago.

Somehow, we will get through it, as long as we have each other...in the end, that's really all that matters anyways.

"Even the most beautiful days eventually have their sunsets" - author unknown
 
Thank you to all of you...those who followed my journey, those that that became friends, those who reached out to send well wishes or check on me during my silence.  I suspect this may be my last post here but one never knows. 

24 comments:

  1. I am not entirely sure if I have ever commented on your blog before. We too have had a difficult year (plus) with external forces. The difference being perhaps is that I am the one who misses who I am when D/s gets put on the back burner.

    With D/s I feel incredibly strong, and at peace. If you feel less than that, or less than hoping to achieve that, I think you did the correct thing. ( Not that it matters what some stranger on the internet thinks. LOL).

    I would be crushed if my partner wouldn't move at least for a little bit to try something different. Perhaps in time he will be willing, but perhaps not. Maybe he is having a knee jerk reaction and in time will decide something is better than nothing. I know as the one who brought this to my husband and the one with the need, anything other than what we lost, seems like nothing at all. Again flip side of the coin. Of course if you have already distanced from ttwd, as time goes along further, you may never decide to return.

    Regardless if ttwd is part of your life in any form or not, I do wish you both a life with happiness and fulfillment to the best of each of your abilities.

    willie

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    1. Hi there Willie! I do believe this is the first comment from you. So it's wonderful to know you are here, reading along. I thank you for your encouragement and perspective. There was a time when I felt at peace but as things continued to grow outside my comfort zone, I guess I lost that sense of calm and peace. I felt in turmoil but then again this decision has left me in a bit of turmoil too. Ugh...life is just not simple is it?!

      Hugs to you and I wish you the best with your difficulties and external forces!

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    2. Hi:) I just "discovered" your blog. Sorry that things are not great. Hang in there. I looked at some of your older posts. You write so well. Day by day. Love. Curious in Boston

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  2. I d not have much time to respond. A friend sent me a link to your Blog. I wish I had time to read it right now I just do not. I do know for me as I introduced this lifestyle it would be difficult to live without it for me. You seem to have kinda distanced yourself or maybe found it isn't what you need or want so that would be okay with you to not live what maybe you thought you desired? I agree with willie whatever it is that works for you and your husband is what is Best for the two of you. I just would hate to see you give up on something or him give on something that is important and fulfilling to you both. I do hate I had not seen your blog earlier.
    honey

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    1. Thank you Ashley Lee. The hard part of all of this is while I know what's best for me, I also know what his needs are. And I'm not sure how to reconcile all of that. I hate to give up something that I may come to regret later but I don't think there is any way to stop that ball from rolling now.

      xoxo

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  3. I'm so glad to see a post from you, but hate to read what it entails.

    I can imagine how awful you feel, about hurting him, and I can imagine how he feels. Seems understandable for you both to react the way you have.

    I do feel that, in every kind of relationship, adapting in necessary. I kinda feel like he is being a little unfair...even though it's maybe justifiable, in a way....probably not making any sense here. And probably stepping over a line I shouldn't step over. Yes, I think he should adapt, if he wants a D/s relationship. It does seem to go against the whole D and s part, but...if there are things you can't bring yourself to do, things that would damage you...what's the point in having a damaged slave?

    And, besides, you might change your mind about things 10 years down the line. But if you both give up, you'll never know.

    I only say this because I want the best for both of you...you seemed so happy before and this post feels anything but that.

    Hugs, lots of them, to the both of you.

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    1. Okay, I'm totally overthinking this (no surprise there), but I can't help but see it from both sides...

      If we had to take a break, and I came to him saying, "I wanna get back on track." But he wanted to keep things the same, that would crush me, and I would want to throw away stuff, too. (I know that there's more to it than that, just trying to keep it short.)

      Of course, it is easy to put myself in your shoes. Being around people in a normal setting is exhausting, anything more is draining. I manage just fine, but there's only so much I can handle. It throws off my balance--what little of it I have.
      It seems as if you want this to work, but there's only so much you can do.
      I'm afraid I would be be extremely hard on myself, if I were in your shoes...I hope you're not.
      (Again, I know there's a lot more to it.)

      Pethaps, you can give 100%, but not his 100%? It seems to me, those percentages would look different because you are two different people.

      I'm sorry I just splattered my thoughts like this! Lol. I really needed to get it out. :)

      I wish you the best.

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    2. Misty... It's great to hear from you. One thing I have missed here is not talking to you. Please don't apologize for splattering out your thoughts. You actually make alot of sense and have given me quite a bit to think about. I have been very hard on myself, the guilt is pretty heavy because I do know how much I crushed him. I know my initial reaction was I don't want this... But that wasn't necessarily the case. I really did want to continue serving him. I know that doesn't make sense totally or why would we be in this situation, right? I like your 100% analogy...gotta think about that some more.

      Love and hugs ❤

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  4. Wow! Hate to hear this. May I ask a couple of questions?

    1. So you stopped because you were afraid of what MIGHT happen?

    2. Seems to me that even though there was down time, there was still the dynamic. What do you two do now? How do you fill in the void of what you two had. How does Heron? Agghh! So many questions (Sorry!).

    I'm really sorry that you guys decided to stop. Seems like you guys really had a great thing based on your blog. We can always hope...right?

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    1. Hi Anonymous! Thank you for the questions...I never mind an opportunity to explain further.

      To answer your first question... It's alot more complicated than my just not wanting to do something that MIGHT happen. I can, and have done, anything that he has required, despite my not wanting to. But it does require me to immerse myself in a certain mindset, especially when it comes to serving in a capacity that I am not comfortable with. What I was afraid of... That I was beginning to lose a part of myself. I was also finding it increasingly difficult to find that balance between my complete submission at home and my career.

      To answer your second question... There is a huge void. I admit that. Right now, we are focusing on ourselves mostly. Not that there is alot of time outside of work but I have been spending more time working out. He has spent time fishing. We have been going on walks. And I guess working on being more "present" with our kids. Outside of that... With each other, it's still a bit raw. He assures me that everything is fine but it's hard not to feel the space between us.

      Don't get me wrong... We did have some wonderful times! And had some great experiences:)

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  5. I'm so grateful for the update. I have thought about you a lot and was hoping things were ok. It seems that things are OK and have a reasonable chance for getting better. Hang in there darling!

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    1. Hi there SHIP! Thank you for thinking of me. Things are ok. We are just w it one day at a time. Hugs to you and best wishes that all is w with you and Mistress K!

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  6. Lg......
    Not sure where to start. A few people in blogland have absolutely touched my heart with their life stories, their kindness, and their genuine hearts. This is where you stand with me.

    Remember, you are the sum total of ALL your parts. One piece is NOT all you are. There are a lifetime of experiences (good and bad) at have made you. This is, and will be, no different.

    I do miss you, my friend. I miss the unconditional support. I truly wish nothing but love and happiness for you and Heron. That's what it's all about, no matter how you two get there. I do hope to hear from you again.
    XOXO Pearl

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    1. Aww...Pearl... That is so sweet and please know I feel the same about you.

      Thank you so much for your support, now and in the past. You are right... There are a lifetime of experiences and sometimes those come back to haunt us I believe. For whatever reason, I think that some of the bad experiences in my past has found a way back into my present.

      I miss you and so many others dearly. It has felt weird, like I don't belong here anymore. I hope that feeling fades so that I can continue to support all of you here in blogland.

      xoxo

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  7. I am so sorry for you both. This time is going to be hard on both of you and I can only hope that you can both reach a place where you are happy.

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  8. Wishing you peace and happyness......

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  9. Hello Nyghtbird. I have commented on your blog one other time "Primed for the Night". I love(d) your blog. I find it curious, educational and (don't take this the wrong way) amazing that a girl can do the things that you do/did. Wow! Very Hot! The "do" is in reference to you being a mom and wife. The "did" well... It speaks for itself in your blog/dynamic. You have a Beautiful Body and your also a very good writer! I am in my mid fifties, married to my high school sweetheart for 32 years. Have 3 kids (2 girls and 1 boy) last one in college. Kinda similar to your situation if I read correctly. Even had gall bladder surgery last year. One of the differences is we just love being kinky (last couple years). I don't won't to be labeled as a lurker So... I introduced myself Ha. One day my wife mentioned she was submissive. I googled submissive and well... I'm sure you can figure out the rest of the story. I would consider our "dynamic" as you would say mild. I find your blog educational because you explain your "feelings" well! It helps me understand my wife! She loves being spanked. I love watching her check out her rosey cheeks in the mirror... So cute!!! She has a very low pain tolerance but loves her "love taps" as she calls them. "Stingy" is about all she wants. She loves her toys, scenes and being restrained/dominated. Well she dosent really say (I do ask) but she does "Glow" afterwards. Your blog has given me/us pleasure in so many ways. Thank You!!! I believe you love being submissive. I hope you find a compromise with Heron to at least "feed your desires" within your "comfort zones". Kinda like having your cake and eating it too I guess! I don't know if that's possible but I wish it for you!!! You definitely gave all your heart to your dynamic. Especially when you were Loaned. Caught me off guard. Let's just say I was "concerned". That's probably because your writing sucked me in. At least I'd like to think that. I once read on your blog as your were walking out the door... Heron said "You'll never find anyone that will love you as much as I do". Well... I believe Heron will never find anyone that will love him as much as you do! I will check back from time to time just in case you get the urge to write Or I need ideas to help keep sex ever evolving with my lovely wife! Best wishes to you and Heron in your journey going forward...

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    1. Its so fascinating how one's journey can ignite anothers......

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    2. Anonymous, I truly thank you for such a beautiful comment/compliment. My apologies for taking so long to answer. Heron and I have done the best we can to adjust to our new norm. We did give the dynamic our all and I am so happy that it comes through in my writing. Yes, being loaned was probably the biggest "treat" of my submission and you certainly were not alone in being concerned. I'm happy to know that you are able to get ideas to keep the spark in your own relationship!! For me, it's a privilege to hear that my journey has helped others find their own inspiration.

      All my best...xoxo

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    3. The Explorer, I agree completely!! Wishing you the best!

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  10. i am happy for your article baby.wishing you for good luck baby

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  11. The "all or nothing" aspect is the issue. By definition all activity is and must be between reasonable limits. The trick is to give the illusion that there are no limits by the sense of decency of the giver being sufficient to keep things sensible. Power exchange can only come between equals, broadly driven by sexual reward (of different types of course) to each. If confidence in the parallel "real" world is affected, there needs to be an adjustment. The key thing is the relationship. This must survive all and the rest should be made to fit. But there are certainly no Black or White / On or Off choices necessary. I don't know if there are 50, but there are any number of intermediate shades of grey. Given that we all live by ethical fictions, there is no need to be "all on" or "all off". Quite apart from anything else, if you need support to get confident and effective, the guy needs to help and care as the man responsible for keeping you in good trim. So your voice always should be heard. The main thing is that the relationship takes priority. I speak as somebody who has lost his relationship through MUCH less of a D/s relationship (many would call it vanilla plus rather than D/s or M/s) in combination with some financial stress, such that though a solution was eminently possible, she lost confidence, couldn't cope and ran (without the opportunity to talk it better). Um, oops.

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  12. I really do hope to "see" you again. I hope all is well with you

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