Reflections of Last Night

It isn’t often that I need an emotional purge or “catharsis”.  And it is even rarer occasions that Daddy will use physical pain to bring about such a cleansing.  But last night I guess He saw all the signs and decided that was exactly what was in order.

He didn't even let me choose and bring Him the implement this day.  This day, He chose the bamboo cane himself.  I laid across the bed, bracing for the first strike.  It stung and I flinched, but almost instantly, I could feel my body relaxing and my breathing slowly returning to normal.  Still counting in my head, the number grew closer to 20 and each strike hurt a little more than the one before.  By 25, I was biting down on the pillow and trying hard very hard not to squirm.  Daddy noticed and commented on the faintest of moisture beginning to develop in my eyes. 

This is where oftentimes He would stop but not this day.  This day, He ordered me up and to the walk-in closet.  Waiting for Him, I assumed my pose.  Facing the corner of the wall, I laced my fingers behind my head and moved my feet just shoulder width apart.  I could hear His footsteps across the tile of the bathroom floor as He approached and stood behind me.  Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the wooden spoon in His right hand.  He proceeded to paddle me with the spoon, 2 swats to each cheek at a time, finally stopping when the count in my head reached 50.  

As soon as He was finished, I turned around to face Him.  Dropping to my knees as I am expected to do, I filled my mouth with His smooth, hard flesh.  I didn't expect Him to stop me so quickly but He did and pulled me into His arms, wrapping me in His blanket of safety.  The tears finally began to slowly flow.

It very much took me by surprise when He turned me around again, grabbing my hands, and told me  to place them above my head and brace myself against the corner of the wall.  

This is when the hardest of the paddling began.  My flesh was already stinging and sore and I hadn't been expecting the spanking to continue, which made it all harder to handle.  After 10 really hard strikes, the tears flowed just a little freer.  But it wasn't until the next set of...honestly at this point, I don't know how many...that the dam finally broke.  Each strike brought harder sobs as I stood there helpless, while His voice coaxed and encouraged me to let it all go. 

When the spanking stopped, His body engulfed me, and we stood there together in the closet while my tears continued pouring down His chest.

I think for the first time, I realized and really appreciated just how much I needed that release. I have a really bad habit of stuffing things down, burying the emotions and trying to remain stoic.  For what....I don't know, except that I hate to cry.

Of course, you can see by the picture...I had a lasting reminder even into today. 

Not sure I want "THIS"

Yes...unfortunately, I said those exact words.  I think He was stunned and not all too happy, although he was quick to assure me I was right to say something.   

A far cry from my last few posts, I know.  Everything just seemed to be "clicking".  But emotions can be like shifting sands, changing direction quickly at times. And since I haven't been posting much lately, it's hard to accurately and completely portray the ups and downs.  I just assumed things would right themselves, as they usually do.

It was just an off day.  Ok...maybe an off week. 

Life has been extremely chaotic the last six weeks and Heron (who I will now go back to referring to as Daddy) had been giving me a good bit of leeway, which I consciously tried not to take advantage of.  But maybe I underestimated just how far I had drifted.

Things bothered me that normally don't.  The urge to resist was strong.  There was a sharp edge of truth in my playful banter.  I had even "jokingly" mentioned I needed a day to just be an asshole.  What the hell would possess me to say that?  As you can imagine, He didn't find it very amusing.  

Droopy (or droppy) feelings and hormones were definitely playing a part.  And I thought it best to let it pass, ride out the storm.  I've done it before, mostly in the beginning but not so much lately.  Maybe just a handful of times in the past couple years, have I doubted my desire for submission.

My thoughts tend to go kind of like this...

Yes, it is what He needs and wants.  And it is undoubtedly what works best for us.  But is all of "THIS"...what I need or want? 

I was struggling, the mental tug of war playing havoc in my head.  And then He is hovering over me as I laid on the bed. He kisses me and whispers "I need more from you".

Why does this statement scare me so much.  Perhaps it makes me feel inadequate, like I am not strong enough in my service or submission to Him and that I am somehow failing.  Or maybe, it is the unknown depth of "MORE".  Maybe it's both.

But what exactly does "MORE" encompass?

I know the answer to that question now.  "More" simply means that He needs more of me.  Thankfully, not a reflection of my submission at all and not an expectation of needing more from me. I feel like such a girl over-complicating such a simple statement.

But at the time, the fear of "MORE" is what made me crack.  My resolve to "let it pass" fell by the wayside as I started babbling about struggling and wondering if I wanted all of this anymore. 

He was calm and understanding, reminding me that He made an agreement to end dynamic if and I when the time came. But the look in His eyes broke my heart the moment the words came out.

On one hand, I wished I hadn't said anything.  On the other hand, getting the words out meant they weren't gumming up the works anymore.  The truth is, I didn't want to go back.  Is there really ever any going back anyways? 

I just needed my feelings to be heard and acknowledged, to know that in theory, we have a choice. Because not having a choice means my submission is not freely given.

We tabled the discussion at the time, agreeing that if I was hormonal/emotional, it wasn't the time to talk about it.  And as I suspected, the feelings passed and we talked about it and cleared everything up over the weekend.

He did indicate a shift in some expectations and for the time being, I am only to refer to him as Daddy.  Not sure exactly why, but I trust that He has a reason. 



      

Deadlines

"Did you complete your story like you were supposed to?"

She stopped sucking only long enough to whisper "no, Sir".

"You do know that you will be punished.  You know tonight I am going to spank you and then probably spank you some more."

Now, she knew she wasn't really in trouble. She had asked for extra time to complete the story and he had been generous enough to allow two more days.  She also happens to know punishments are delivered separately from any type of sex. 

He stopped her again, with an instruction to hand Him the switch and the fly swatter, both of which always stay tucked safely between the mattress and box spring on her side of the bed for use at a moment's notice.  She scrambled out of the bed and retrieved both as He walked around the bed and stood next to her.  Taking both from her hands, He bent her over the side of the bed, spread her legs, and delivered several stinging swats with the switch.  She could feel her body responding, getting wetter and more desperate with each swat.

Her body had been screaming for His attention and affections. And it had also been far too long since feeling the sting of His implements.  He knew exactly what her body was craving and His cock was rock-hard pressing against her from behind.  With her face pressed into the mattress, she rocked up just slightly on tippy toes to make His access just a little bit easier. 

After a few thrusts, the sting of the switch again cut across her backside.  She's not one to enjoy pain just for the sake of pain, but this...this is what she really enjoys and it's not often that He spoils her in such a way.  Spankings tend to be reserved for either punishment or maintenance.  But oh how she love the dichotomy of two opposing forces when used together, the pain and the pleasure when it all melds into one.  

The switch tends to be a bit unwieldy though, especially when bodies are so close.  So He picked up the fly swatter and backed up behind her, leaving her hole aching and unfilled.  Using the metal handle end of the swatter, He gave her ten slow methodical swats.  Some of them landed across her ass, some of them traveling down to kiss the sensitive area just between her cheek and leg.  Still bent over the bed, she reached for the pillow and pulled it under her face to muffle any noise.

Each swat stung but it was deeper pain, not like the surface sting of the switch.  But the pain faded quickly as He spread her legs farther apart and worked Himself back inside. Now, the pillow  muffled a different type of sound, but only for a few moments. He pulled out again, replacing the stroke of His cock with five more strokes of the fly swatter, faster than the ones before but equally painful.  And then the relief flooded her as He filled her again.  This went on several more times before He finally told her to get up on the bed.

Her backside was on fire as He climbed on top of her, pressing her tender flesh against the bed.  But even that pain disappeared quickly.

As she laid there drifting off to sleep that night, feeling well used, sated, and content, she couldn't have been more thankful for everything He gave her that night.  And she realized something in that moment.  She may not always get what she wants, or even what she think she needs...

But that's part of what makes her truly appreciate the times that she does.
 

Opposite Sides

It amazes me how Daddy and I literally have spent pretty much our entire marriage sleeping on opposite sides of the bed.

Neither of us, particularly me, was the type to snuggle and fall fast asleep wrapped up together. I couldn't do it.  It felt smothering, hot (and not in a good way), and downright uncomfortable on my neck.  I remember having discussions with other couples and often admitted that we liked having a king sized bed because it was almost like sleeping alone. He had His side and I had mine.  Once in a while, we maybe snuggled for a minute, usually on His side, but it wouldn't take long before I was scooting back over to my side.       

Now in all fairness, we have always had a little one around the house climbing into bed with us.  This pretty much started on day one of our marriage since we were raising His son from a previous marriage. 

It didn't take long for us to decide that since we were already raising one child, we might as well start adding to our family. And while we have gotten some things right in parenting, the sleep thing has never been one of them. 

It's so easy to "give in" that first time they are scared or sick and want to sneak into your bed for comfort. We finally learned, what starts out as a weak moment on your part, has now just become law to your child. 

With each subsequent child, I swore the bad sleeping habits wouldn't start...somehow it did anyways.  I won't throw Daddy under the bus here but He does have quite a soft spot, particularly for His daughters. And honestly, while aggravating at times, this is one of the things I find most endearing about Him.

Now our youngest is finally turning the corner with her sleep issues and I am loving it.  Most nights now, for the first time in our lives, we have the bed to ourselves...ALL NIGHT!  And I don't take one single night for granted anymore.  My absolute favorite part of the day is climbing in the bed and seeing His arm already outstretched, waiting for me to nestle into His shoulder and fall asleep.

Lazy Days and Questions About Clothing, Marriage, and the Future

Yesterday was a much needed, lazy day. We accomplished absolutely nothing that we had intended...both kinky and non-kinky. But it was nice...and makes me think about a couple questions that have come up recently about our dynamic.

I was out with some fellow kinky ladies one night last week and one of my friends asked about mine and Heron's relationship. I can't remember the exact wording of her question but it was about the husband/wife aspect of our relationship. She wondered if we ever spent time as husband and wife, outside the dynamic, and were my needs being met in that regard.

Also, I had received an email a couple weeks ago from one of my blog readers asking about my clothing requirements. The question was..."When not at work, do you always abide by your rules of always wearing revealing clothing? Is this a hard-line must have for him".

So let me start with the second question first because it is a little more straightforward to answer.

My clothing requirements are very much determined by the situation.  Generally speaking, He likes that I am wearing something somewhat revealing when He gets home but with the kids around, it also has to be kept reasonable,  During the summer it's fairly easy.  Tank tops, sundresses, shorts...all easily meet the no bra and panty expectation without being overtly obvious.  During winter, He is a little more lenient because I am so cold natured and walk around with jackets and sweaters most of the time.     

Now as far as going out, He will tell me if it's the kind of outing that I should be wearing something in particular. (ie. trashy).  But many times, if we are just running out to grab something to eat, He is fine with whatever I am already wearing.  Not every time and every place we go is meant to be a test of my exhibitionism.  Sometimes, He just wants to take me out to spend time together, nothing more.  The key is not to assume.  IF I am in doubt, I will ask if what I am wearing is ok or should I change into something else.     

So, to answer the question...No, it's not a hard-line must have for him every time we go out.

Which brings me to the original question about our husband/wife time together.  I know when writing a blog, much of it sounds so awesomely kinky but the reality of it is, that kink is probably only about 10% of our life, if that.  The D/s is always there, a part of who we have become together, a part of how I view myself, and mostly a part of how I guide myself in thinking and behaviors.  While I am submissive all the time, we are not always engaged in obvious D/s activities.

Now, there are times when the dynamic is more active and stronger than other times, but we are married first and foremost.  And while the D/s has now become woven into the fabric of our marriage, it doesn't define our marriage.  

Yesterday is a great example.  We spent the day together taking a nap, cooking, drinking a night time coffee under the stars, and doing nothing more than snuggling.  Well...ok...there was that afternoon blowjob just before the nap.
 
Are my needs being met as as a wife?

Absolutely and I think more so now than ever before!  Sometimes in my writing, Heron probably comes off as, shall we say, not so nice, and quite frankly during some scenes I haven't thought He was very nice either. But I assure you, He is as equally gentle and romantic as He is sadistic, and quite possibly even more so.  Yes...He sometimes denies me immediate gratification in the physical pleasures that I think are needs, and it aggravates me sometimes, but I realize He does this for a reason and it's always temporary.   

And the tender love making type of sex, well for some reason those are the moments I tend to keep to myself.  I blog about so many aspects of our relationship, I feel like a little part of us should remain private.  But for those of you that might have wondered, we do have those beautiful non-kinky sessions too and they are equally fultilling. I have to admit though, sometimes it catches me off guard and I'm like...is everything OK? Why are you being so nice? LOL

You know, before we ever incorporated this lifestyle into our marriage, we basically "existed".  We were content to function in our own little bubbles, our paths crossing occasionally. But were we happy?  Not really.  I could never shake the feeling that part of me and our life together wasn't being fulfilled.  

Our lives had become so consumed by our kids (and my incessant power struggle over every little thing), we had completely neglected to nurture what brought us together in the first place.  Our love for each other.  I remember wondering so often...would we even like each other when our kids are grown?  Would we even have anything in common?  I couldn't think of anything we liked to do together.  Pretty sad isn't it?

Now, all we crave is MORE time together and genuinely enjoy being in each others company. I think this is the connection we were missing before.  D/s taught us that it can be more...that we can be more.  And all it took was focusing more on us.  We have found so many things that we love doing together.  Get your minds out of the gutter-I was talking about non-kinky things. 

Even though it was a lazy day yesterday, we did manage to get out for a few minutes to run to the grocery store.  We were in the car driving home and I asked Heron what did He think would happen to our dynamic as we grow older.  I worry about that sort of thing.  It has brought us so much closer, what happens as we continue to age and maybe can't indulge in the physical play? Will He be as attentive and happy with me?     

His answer was all I needed to put my mind at rest.

We just enjoy each day for what it is.  And if there comes a point, that all of it has to end, the only thing that I need to be happy...is spending every day with you.

And He was concerned that He said something wrong when I started to cry!

Not Tonight Dear...

One reader that I have gotten to know pretty well asked me the other day, if I am ever allowed to use the "not tonight pass" if I am tired or not feeling well, particularly after working all day and juggling busy schedules with the kids.   

This is a really good question because we all have days that we are tired and not particularly in the mood, right?

But truthfully, in our dynamic, there is no such thing as a "not tonight pass", at least for me to use anyways.  Regardless of stress, exhaustion, schedules, if Heron requires my service, I am expected to willingly comply.  This was one the first aspects of control that He took from me at the start of our D/s relationship..

Now, having said that, He is also very aware of how I feel and it is quite common for Him to see the exhaustion in my face and insist that I go to bed, even if He is "in the mood".

In fact, this happened just the other night.  One of the things He requires of me is to use my mouth on Him every night, unless He states otherwise.  As usual, I was ready and waiting on the bed when He came in the room.  He took one look at me and said, "you look really tired...just get your rest tonight".  I didn't even try to convince Him otherwise.  I thanked Him for understanding and laid right down.   

My well being is of utmost importance to Him but I think another reason He is more understanding now when I am not feeling up to sex or play is that He no longer has to be concerned with when He might get His needs met.  He can just expect it the next day or as soon as opportunity presents itself.   

Whereas, if we were still in our previous egalitarian relationship and I turned him down, His needs could go unmet indefinitely because it was all about when I wanted it and He was at my mercy to decide when I was willing and in the mood.     

At first, I thought this rule would be horrid but to be honest, I'm so relieved to not have this power anymore.   First, I started to see that there were plenty of times I didn't necessarily think I was in the mood, only to realize the connection and release (if allowed) was just what I needed.  I also think having more sex and play, leads to wanting or craving more sex and play.  

Not to mention...being used, whether I want to or not, plays right into my of fantasies about  being taken against my will:)

I've spent a lot of time looking back over the previous years of our marriage and I truly regret all the fighting over sex.  I used it as a form of control and had some pretty selfish views.  I don't want to blame my upbringing, but I was just raised to believe there was something wrong with a man who wanted it all the time. 

Even though my husband always had a very high drive, my pleasure was always His priority and I thanked Him for that by constantly pushing Him away and making Him feel like less of a person for the needs He had.  I've just had to accept that some things you can't take back...you can only spend the rest of your life making up for it. 

It's all kind of ironic now though.  As His slave I am only entitled to whatever He chooses, whenever He chooses.  So I have learned to appreciate each and every opportunity presented.   

There's nothing like knowing that you can't just have something whenever you want it to make you want it that much more.

Thank you so much for your question!!

Silence

Your hand grabs firmly around my throat.

So possessive and intoxicating.

Your voice tells me not a sound should escape my lips.

So powerful and seductive.

In the silence, the beast takes what is His.

In the silence, my body is on fire, but without a voice, how can I seek permission?

Your needs and desires...that's my purpose.

So I submit to this fate.

Your voice then commands me to let go, still not a sound should escape my lips.

In the silence, every touch is like electricity moving between us.

In the silence, I can only scream inside my own head as you extinguish the flames that consume me.  

continued from Just the Two of Us

Vacation Day Promises

Much needed relief finally came (haha...pun intended) for me yesterday.  Probably not in the way either of us would have preferred but at this point, who's complaining?  Certainly not me!

The price of one said orgasm was high and was something I had to determine and offer up on my own. 

At the end of the day, I wish I could say that it was all a mind fuck, but I don't believe so.  He says I will be held to my promise.  Yikes!! 

But I assumed that might be the case, which is why I did a lot of soul searching before committing myself to anything. 

We haven't discussed the details of how, when, or where just yet.  Only that at some point, it will happen.  It's kind of hard to set a time frame on something like this.  Some of it will depend on opportunity.

Will it push both of our limits? 

Absolutely!  Probably more than anything thus far. More so even than the experience I wrote about in The Note, The Knock, and The Slut. When I wrote about being on display and servicing another man, it provoked a lot of talk and reflection about limits.  What I have committed to now, will probably do the same.   

Is it something I want?

Yes and no.  He knows this is something I want to experience, yet at the same time I don't...if that makes sense.   

Yes, I like the idea of it.  In fantasy, it is an extreme turn on.  In reality, we both think ultimately I will enjoy it. 

But I am a chicken shit.  So, in that regard I am always perfectly comfortable limiting my own experiences and saying I don't want it.  Also, I would feel more comfortable if He was going to be a participant, but I know going into it that He won't, except overseeing for my safety. 

Is it something I need?

I say NO...He says YES.  It's important to continue pushing my boundaries and that's why He's the Master.  He knows my needs better than I know them myself most of the time.  

Does He want me to want it or does He want me to be willing to do what He asks?

The answer to this is both even though ultimately, it doesn't matter.  If it's something He wants me to do, I will.

That being said, it's more enjoyable for Him to know that I also want to do it. 

But I think it's most pleasing for Him to know that it is something I am willing to do, not because He has forced me to bend to His will but because He has forced me to accept the deepest darkest part of myself that actually wants to do it. 


By the way...thank you for your recent comments that lead to some of the thoughts in this post as well as the title.  You know who you are ;-)