Thursday, November 28, 2013

Giving Thanks

We will be heading out shortly to visit with my in-laws today for Thanksgiving but this morning started with making Master a lovely breakfast of poached eggs.


I've never made these before but I did some research and He was quite pleased with how they turned out.  He was so pleased even that immediately following breakfast, He thanked me with a mouthful of cock.  

I wish you all a wonderful day filled with family, fun, and lots of good food.  

Happy Thanksgiving!!


Monday, November 25, 2013

Spicy or Regular

And I am not referring to sex...even though I'm pretty sure most of us would choose spicy for sure!

I am talking about pulling up at the Chick-fil-A drive thru the other day and Master says...

Your only choice is spicy or regular.

Well damn...I was actually going to get a salad.  

I simply answer spicy and He places my order for the spicy chicken deluxe combo.  






Food is not something that Master has exercised too much control over.  I have a pretty good grasp of what to eat, what not to eat, and exactly how much.  Sadly though, my relationship with food stems from years of eating disorders.  While sitting in that drive thru line, accepting that He was ordering for me, I reflected on my past and how it came to be that I was lucky enough to recover and how comforting it was, and still is, to give Him the control of something that had controlled me for a very long time.  

Poor self-image and control issues left me battling anorexia and bulimia throughout my teenage years.  When I hit my rock bottom, I was only 85 pounds and very sick.  I began the slow climb towards recovery, only because I knew that if I didn't, it would kill me.  Not long after my recovery, at 19 years old, I met the man I would eventually marry and who is now my Master.  

In the beginning, we were just like any normal boyfriend/girlfriend, learning everything there was to know about each other.  I remember sitting in His car one day and I confessed to my very personal battle with food and eating disorders. 

He sympathized and understood my struggle, but also informed me in no uncertain terms that if He ever suspected a relapse, He would take my ass straight to the hospital.  Since that time, I've always wanted to maintain a healthy weight but never again had any thoughts of turning down that path of self-destruction. Looking back, I think that was probably my first act of submission to Him.  

But twenty years later, my eating habits still tend to drive Him a bit nuts.  When we go out, He usually rolls His eyes and scoffs when I order because it's usually a salad or something on the lighter fare.  It's not that I diet or deny myself any particular food but I am very focused on portion control and shy away from eating junk or fast food.  More often than not, even if I do have a craving for something particularly bad, I will talk myself into the healthier option by the time I place my order.  


So, besides the fact that I think it was just hot and sexy when He ordered for me, I found a certain freedom in not making that decision. I didn't feel responsible for making the "right" food choice.  I ate what He chose for me simply because it's what He wanted and I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty or think oh I shouldn't have

























 

        

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

KOTW: Thoughts on Being Collared



Had anyone told me even 2 years ago that I would be involved in an M/s relationship I would have thought that person was crazy.  I surely would have thought that person even more crazy had they suggested that I would willingly and proudly wear a symbol of ownership, such as a collar.

We began our D/s journey in June 2012 and it all began with a contract.  I know contracts are highly debated and I don't intend to get into that here but it's what worked for us.  At that time, outside of wearing a collar during play, there was no mention of collaring or even developing a Master/slave relationship.

Honestly, when I first submitted to Him, I didn't even know there was even such a thing as collaring.  Once I did find out, I certainly wasn't interested in wearing something that I thought was more appropriate on a dog.  Wearing a permanent sign of ownership...nope...not for me.   

After about 6 months, the D/s lifestyle was iffie for us, we struggled quite a bit.  We didn't want to give up but soon came to the realization that we both needed to make a larger commitment to ourselves and to each other.  Around January of this year, we began shifting into a Master/slave dynamic and I really made a concerted effort to better educate myself in all aspects of slavery.

I had experienced the positive impact submission had on our relationship so my walls and negative perceptions related to being owned had already begun to crumble.  Soon, I wanted nothing more than to be considered His slave and I remember reading something on Fet that sparked my interest in collaring.  The idea of wearing a "day" collar, one that could worn in the vanilla world but carried the same intent, intrigued me.  Master was pleased when I mentioned this to Him because He had apparently already been putting some thought into collaring me.

Earning His collar would not come easily though.  I would endure months of training, which is another highly debated topic that I don't intend to get into here.  He intended for training to push me, push my boundaries, and mold me into exactly the slave He wanted me to be.  Only then, would I be worthy of wearing His collar.

Collaring Ceremony


The 3 days leading up to collaring were by far the toughest, meant to push my boundaries on many different levels.  After our last session was over and I was dressed and ready to go out to dinner, Master called me upstairs.  My gut was telling me what was about to happen but I didn't want to get my hopes up.  Then I saw the candles lit and the glow of the collar sitting in front of me as I walked into the room.  One of the things I love about Him, is how diabolical and sadistic He can be on one hand, and so thoughtful and romantic on the other.

He had designed this moment so beautifully and it will be one that I will never forget.  He asked me to remove my clothes and kneel at His feel as I felt the smooth metal of the collar locking  around my neck, signifying to us both that I belong to Him completely.

He had something prepared that He wanted to say...some vows so to speak.  The short version is that He promised to guide and protect me, honor my feelings and needs, and tend to my happiness, health, and well-being.  I, in turn, accepted to follow Him on this journey, and to serve and belong to Him. 

Then He began read to me an excerpt from a book and I could no longer hold back my tears.   

The story told of  a man becoming completely "intoxicated" by the song of a Nightbird.  The sound of this Nightbird consumed his thoughts and so "enraptured" him that it consumed his soul.

Choking up as He spoke (which let me say does not happen typically), He whispered to me you are my Nightbird.

This private moment, which was exactly one year to the day of us signing our original contract, was more special and emotional for us both than the day we exchanged our wedding vows 18 years ago.         



The front is engraved with the words..."Owned by Heron"

The back is engraved with the words..."As I Own His Heart".

Obviously, this isn't a collar I can wear in the vanilla world so we went the next day to purchase a Pandora bangle bracelet which I wear every day.  I love the idea of being able to add charms that will have special meaning just for us and of course my first was His birthstone.

What an amazing journey this has been so far!  What an amazing man/Husband/Master I belong to!


  
This is my first writing for KOTW but the topic was so near and dear to my heart, I knew I had to post an entry. I had blogged several months ago about my collaring ceremony so I transferred some of the text to this post. 


   

Monday, November 18, 2013

Just 5 Minutes of Hell



Five minutes of hell is what Master called it.  I could be sarcastic here and say "well I thought that's what the last 3 weeks has been" but my brain to mouth filter is thankfully intact because I would have ruined a perfectly good time for myself.  Little did I know, I was only 5 minutes away from finally being granted what I have waited so patiently for.  

Then I realize that He intends to use the Hitachi.  Oh God!  For those of you that have used a Hitachi, you probably understand five minutes with that vibrator could easily mean multiple orgasms.  As worked up as I have been over these past few weeks, I wonder how the hell I can possibly hold out against that for even 30 seconds.  Immediately fearing another punishment on my horizon, Master quickly clarifies that this is only for fun, no pass or fail.  I wish I could say this was comforting but once He has laid out the expectations for anything I don't want to disappoint, even if it is just for fun.  Damn type A personality!

Just to make it a bit more fair, Master decided if I got close to cumming, all I had to do was say "stop" and He would give me a 30 second break.  I was allowed up to 5 breaks so really I only had to make it through two and a half minutes of vibration time.  I'm a little more confident I can handle that.   

He leads me over to the bed and tells me to lay down, spread my legs and keep my arms down by my side.  The moment He turns the vibrator on and touches my clit a rush of excitement floods my body.  As He softly moves it around my pussy, I fight the waves that are quickly building and make it a full minute and a half before calling for the first mercy break.

I manage to complete the whole five minutes with only 3 breaks but now I am confused because He doesn't stop.  Not only that, I am getting dangerously close to the edge.  I don't really know if I am allowed to ask permission yet but before it's too late, I ask Him to stop.  He keeps going.  Now I am pleading with Him to stop.

NO! is His only response. 

Knowing that there is no way I can hold back anymore, I ask permission and can only hope it's granted. 

Master, may I cum?

Yes, you may!










Sunday, November 17, 2013

Overcoming Sexual Denial

This last few weeks has been difficult, at times I didn't even have words to describe what I was feeling.  Writing was difficult because I didn't want come across as whining or complaining but honestly, I couldn't really put my thoughts together anyways.  I would sit down at the computer and stare at the blank page.  All I could think about was how horny I was...every minute of every day.

I've been denied for periods of time, usually a week or so.  But apparently, being denied to this extent, makes me painfully aware of my how my sexual appetite has developed.  I find myself extremely regretful for the years I regularly turned down His advances while claiming that I just didn't need it like He did.   

After 3 long weeks, I am happy to say that my dry spell thankfully "came" to an end this weekend.  Master did enjoy the use of my mouth almost daily throughout those three weeks but there was no sex, no masturbation, and absolutely no orgasms allowed for me.  The punishment aspect of my denial ended after 2 weeks, but as my luck typically goes, aunt flo made her untimely appearance extending my time without sex by yet another week.

Now that I can actually think with a clear head again, I look back on the weeks and how they unfolded.  My emotions completely ran amok and then somehow a sense of peace and clarity took over.

The first week, I was on edge, extremely moody, and prone to tears very easily.  I can only speculate that perhaps it was too soon for this type of punishment after our recent hotel experience.  Master did provide excellent reassurance and aftercare that day but I think maybe taking away intimacy just days after such an intense experience, left me feeling extremely vulnerable and worried there might be something wrong on a deeper level. 

Throughout the second week I was at height of PMS.  It was a constant challenge to keep my myself in check.  My emotions ranged from complete insecurity with myself ...to hurting so bad I couldn't bear to talk about it...to being pissed because if I did talk about it, He would surely find a way to make me wish I hadn't...to thinking that maybe I wasn't meant for this lifestyle.  The rational part of me kept reminding the irrational part of me that these were all temporary feelings driven by hormones, so I decided it best to work through it with as much dignity as I could muster.  Who am I kidding though?  My facade never fools Master, not even for a minute.  He knew I wanted to crack!

At the start of the third week, I did feel better when He admitted His own frustrations at not being able to have me.  With a sarcastic chuckle, I thought to myself "REALLY!...He has a lot of nerve complaining about His frustration when He's getting His dick sucked almost every day". 

Then my outlook started to change sometime during that third week.  I guess maybe it could have been that the PMS had passed or maybe I was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  But I really think it was something more.  I started to feel a shift or transformation taking place in my attitude.  Frustration and self doubt was somehow replaced with acceptance and empowerment.   I stopped thinking every minute of the day on my own needs of pleasure.  Yes...every fiber in my being was still on fire with lust, but that lust was now a desire to please only Him.  On the days that I sucked His cock, it was no longer because I had to.  It was because I wanted to more than anything else.  My desire for intimacy was being fulfilled by meeting His needs.  I found myself craving to be on my knees, proving my dedication to Him, worshiping Him, tasting Him, devouring Him in a way that I don't remember feeling before.

I think Master might have even been a little pleasantly surprised!

Now, let's just see if I can keep myself out of trouble because as much as I learned from the experience, I am not hoping for a repeat anytime soon (or ever) if I can help it!










Monday, November 11, 2013

Push it to the Limit

A couple weeks back, it seemed that my new experience...

The Note

The Knock

The Slut

The Reclaiming

...sparked a bit of conversation about pushing limits.  The whole experience, from being on display nude and in a bondage situation, being played with in front of someone else, and orally serving another man in front of my Master, was all new territory for us both.  But pushing limits is definitely a touchy subject and can be a double edged sword.  It has the potential to bring Dom and sub closer or if not handled properly, can backfire in an instant. 

I want to back up a little and explain a little about my own personal limits.  When we started down this path, I knew that He would be training me to be His slave and at His request, I agreed to keep a completely open mind.  Yes, there were plenty of things that made me uncomfortable.  Hell, even being tied up made me uncomfortable.  But surrendering completely to Him meant that I had to trust the limits He established for us.  Setting my own limits, meant trusting my own judgement over His, therefore, I would in essence still be holding an element of control.

We do have a very short section in our contract dedicated to limits.  Things like branding, cutting, scarring, and deprivation of oxygen were hard limits even for Him.  I did insist on one thing to be added which I felt may be a physical trigger but have since learned that wasn't the case.

Admittedly, I was quite inexperienced in the realm of M/s, bdsm, and kink and I really didn't take the initiative to learn before making the commitment.  During the last year and a half, many times after a scene I have thought "WOW! Had I known He was going to try that, I would have wanted it added to my limits".  But on the other hand, my inexperience and lack of research really did keep my mind open and in the end I have found a deeper trust in my Master and enjoyed things I would have never considered before.  Not that I am recommending this philosophy, it's just the way it worked out for me.



If you are in an newer relationship, particularly a D/s or bdsm relationship, the other person isn't going to know every intricate detail of your likes/dislikes, and more importantly your potential triggers.  I would think in this situation, it's very important that you have a voice when setting limits.  Then later down the road you can renegotiate once you trust that this person has your best interest at heart.


I do firmly believe that discussion should take place before pushing any limits, but most particularly hard limits.  It is expected that a Dom will push a soft limit when they feel you might be ready but a hard limit warrants discussion and consent to me.   

So, how do you know when you are ready to re-evaluate your hard limit? 
 
Allowing someone to push your limits is really all about trust.  But no matter how much you trust someone, you may find there are some limits which are never meant to be pushed, particularly if you fear a significant personal negative reaction or loss of well being.  You have to be confident, regardless of whether you end up enjoying the experience or not, that you can handle the outcome and if you can't be sure, then you owe it to yourself to stand by the limits you established.   

But the fact of the matter is that limits can and do change over time.  Many times, the limiting factor is simply fear of the unknown.  Once you experience it, you realize, oh that wasn't a big deal.  Then a year down the road, when you love it more than anything, you wonder why on earth that was ever a limit.   


As you gain more experience and find more confidence within yourself, it is natural to want to explore boundaries.  A good Dom will also find ways to challenge you to explore your limits.   He shouldn't cross the line, because this may cause an irreparable breach in trust, but He may skirt the edge a little testing the waters until you are ready.   Maybe...just maybe...the idea of something will excite you when it didn't before.  This...is your mind opening to new possibilities.

Even though I find myself in a situation where the only thing the defines my boundaries are when He has reached His, He still  understands where my fears or insecurities lie.  He knows when to push and when not to push.  But some of that is because we have been together so long.  We have a marriage and a family that have to be considered so He wouldn't make a decision that would jeopardize all that we have.  Where there may be an issue of how I may handle something in particular, He works me there in baby steps, never pushing too hard or too fast.


He has also spent years learning about my fantasies...from the simple to the deepest and darkest.  While I am deathly afraid of experiencing certain things, I never considered them hard limits and  from the beginning, I understood He may eventually begin the slow process of bringing those fantasies to life. 

Well, I have gone on and on much longer than I had planned to but the most important thing to remember is that pushing limits all comes down to one thing and that is trust. 

Trust in yourself to know when you are ready for limits to be pushed and trust in your Dom to be there as your support and to push your limits without pushing your buttons. 




 




Sunday, November 10, 2013

Pump Your Face, Whore!



Don't stop pumping your face, WHORE!

Desperately, I am trying to earn the last 5 dollars of 50 to complete my punishment but He is being particularly harsh tonight, making sure He gets every dollar worth.

As He lies on the bed with my body nestled between His legs, He insists that I not shift position again or stop, only to keep pumping my face up and down on His cock.

Don't move your body again, WHORE!

My shoulders...burning...

My neck and jaw...aching...

My hips and legs...cramping...but I don't dare disobey.

My whole body is trembling from fatigue and wants so badly to stop, but every time the thought comes into my mind, I retreat a little deeper into myself, searching for the strength to continue.

My mouth is only a hole.  A hole that He chooses to use for His pleasure.  

These thoughts continue to serve as a painful reminder that my mouth is the only hole He has used in quite a while but thankful that my transgression exactly two weeks ago will finally be paid in full and absolved tonight.

I fight the urge to give in to tears with His onslaught of verbal humiliation and threats to make me find someone else to suck off to earn my 5 dollars should I make Him come too quickly.

Finally, almost an hour after I started, relief washes over me as my throat is filled with all too familiar taste of His cum.  Barely able to move, my body crumples into a heap at the foot of the bed as He gets up and walks away. 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Rear-Ended...

And not in the good way!

Minding my own business sitting in traffic last night and...BAM!

Amazingly, no one hurt and absolutely NO damage to the car.

My guardian angel...came to our rescue again!

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Evening Walks

No kinky stuff to report on recently...still working on earning my 50 dollars. Master was sick for several days last week so I haven't been able to earn my cash (and complete my punishment) as quickly as I would have liked which is a bummer.

I do have to say that I have really come to enjoy our evening walks though.  What started as our attempt to escape for 30 stolen minutes a day, away from kids, pets, and mother, has now turned into a family affair.

The girls started.asking to come with us and begrudgingly we told them alright.  It was selfish...I know! But we get so little time together, we hated to share that time too, this new little ritual that had developed between us. 

However, I have come to love hearing them ask every night after dinner if we are ready to go.  They seem to look forward to putting away their homework, TV, laptops, and just spending some time with us. 

As we walk, my heart melts as I watch the bonding taking place between my Husband and our eldest, who will most likely be leaving the nest next year.  She's a rather quiet type, actually her and her Dad are just alike...both completely content to keep their faces buried in a good book.  But when we are out walking she talks to Him a mile a minute about everything under the sun...from books, to school, to history, to life in general.

Usually, I stay just a few feet behind with the younger one.  She be-bops along...sometimes we sing and sometimes we talk about friends or anything else that strikes her fancy at the moment.  She always has something to say that makes me giggle.  At some point, she may run ahead to hold her Dad's hand.  I shake my head and smile because they walk just alike.

These years are going so fast and I desperately want to hold on to all the precious moments before they are off building a life, a family, and memories of their own.   
 
Oh, don't get me wrong...there are times when they frustrate me to no end and it's on these days that Master reminds me that one day I will wish for it all back.