Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Sometimes, There Just Isn't a Title
While my last couple of posts have been pretty light-hearted, this one I assure you will not be. I've been sitting on this one for a couple days, trying to decide whether to hit the publish button. So, if you are looking for something funny or sexy, well...let's just say you've been warned.
I read something the other day that really resonated with me and I realized that while I've shared alot about my life here in my blog, there is one big thing I've been avoiding.
I'm not sure if I felt like I couldn't share it, or that people would think it's too heavy of a subject. Maybe it's just that I wasn't quite ready to open myself up that much. But it's a part of my life with Heron, a piece of my puzzle so to speak, perhaps even the biggest piece. And it will shed some light as to why letting go of control for so many years was difficult to say the least.
Heron and I met back in college. He was a little bit older than myself and was coming out of a bad marriage having custody of His young son, and I was in a not so great relationship with someone else. My boyfriend at that time didn't treat me horribly, but he was extremely controlling, probably more along the lines of domineering, and I knew I wasn't in love with him.
The attraction between Heron and I was immediate and intense so I tried to keep my distance. This worked for couple of months because Heron wasn't a very pushy guy back then:)
As things continued to deteriorate with my boyfriend, I began to let my guard down with Heron. We started talking, spending time in the student center after classes and eventually the attraction to Him was too great to not explore further. I was only 20 years old after all and didn't want to risk missing out on what could very well be the love of my life.
So I ended things with my boyfriend. I knew he wouldn't take it well but was in no way prepared for how much my life was about to change.
I'm not going to get into all the details, but the ex showed up at my house a week after our break-up. It was clear that he somehow knew I was interested in someone else but he wanted me back. After explaining that wasn't possible, things turned very bad, very quickly and I found myself staring down the end of a loaded gun begging for my life, only in the end, to watch him take his own.
In one short hour of my life, every bit of innocence and safety I ever felt in this world had been shattered. So much had been taken away from me and while I was beyond thankful to be the one still alive, the lack of control and fear experienced in those moments would haunt me for years.
At that point, Heron and I had only been on one date and I just knew that my instant emotional baggage would be way too much for Him to take on, especially with a child. I remember telling Him that I understood if He needed to move on because I was likely to be a mess for quite a while. But His devotion never wavered. When the images of that night kept me from closing my eyes, He stroked my face until I could fall asleep. When I cried, He held me. When I needed to talk, He listened. And when the rage in me lashed out, He understood the place it came from and loved me anyways.
He did so much for me, but the one thing He couldn't do was to have any semblance of control over me. Between the controlling environment of my childhood and the experience of that night, I vowed to never allow anyone that part of me. My views on life became pretty jaded. And it was that pain that influenced many of my actions and poor decisions in the early years of our relationship and marriage.
Looking back, it's obvious that I didn't realize just how much I was suffering because my tendency is to deal with things by burying them.
But going back for a moment...to the writing that inspired this post...what I identified with the most was the writers description of regaining that feeling of safety. Heron spent years helping me put myself back together, making me feel safe again, and loving me despite how difficult of a person I was to love at times. It was such a slow process but eventually the demons of my past began fading away but I still clung to the control I had grown accustomed to having.
It's sad to say, because I had no reason not to trust Him with every part of my being, but it took almost 20 years for me to finally let go of it all and really allow Him in. That night so long ago had changed me. Vulnerability was not something I wanted to experience, physically or emotionally, which is one of the reasons why submitting to Him would have been doomed to failure years ago.
Heron is a big one for living in the moment so I try not to look back with regret but I hate that it took so long for my walls to finally come down. I've had to just accept that our life experiences make us who we are, the good and the bad.