Long Overdue

I realize this post is long overdue.  Quite frankly, I haven't been able to bring myself to sit down and write...anything.  Until today.

This year has been a tough one.  Our dynamic took a backseat for quite a while, probably since around September of last year when Heron started having gallbladder problems.   

He had surgery at the end of October and by the time he recovered, the holidays were right upon us.  The start of this year was no easier than the end of the last.  Work was very demanding for both of us, my father had several major surgeries, and my mother had one as well. Of course, I am in essence her care giver so that was a challenge.  Can't forget the kids either.  As they get older, their schedules and needs just seems to get more complicated.

All of this left almost no energy for us to nurture our dynamic. And in the chaos of all going on, our vanilla life became comfortable...for me anyways.     

I still served in the capacity that I could but after a while, I began to realize that I didn't miss the punishments.  I didn't miss the fear of some humiliating task.  I didn't miss pain.  There were a lot of things I didn't miss.

Our connection still seemed strong though.  Despite all that was going on around us, we leaned on each other and found peace and comfort even though life was quite vanilla. I knew he was giving me the time and space I needed.

Admittedly, I began spending way too much time on Fetlife.  I don't know what was going on other than I was using that as an escape from my life.  I enjoyed the attention, until I didn't anymore, and then I pretty much abandoned that as well.

For a really long time, I had felt so over extended that my only solution was to withdraw from everyone and commit to focusing only on work, the kids, and Heron.  

We tried a few times to revitalize the active dynamic but each time, we faced some set back.  And honestly, I was mostly relieved.  Whenever he mentioned "getting back on track", it was almost like panic set in, resistance set in, and in some ways even resentment crept in.

Who knows now...it might have come to fruition or it might not have but he mentioned several times that he needed to come up with something that would challenge me even more than last year.  But some of the experiences had taken a toll on me, probably more so than we realized since I have a tendency to bury my feelings until they come forth later, usually quite unexpectedly.

Being disconnected from the dynamic, I had also started to see that I had adopted my submission so well, that I had lost my edge at work and with my kids.  I had given up so much control that I lost confidence in controlling any situation no matter what the environment.  And I was just starting to get that confidence back.   

I remember standing in the kitchen during one of these "we need to get back on track" conversations and I asked him if we could keep things the way they were. 

Yes...I was comfortable.  Not being challenged had become comfortable. 
 
So when we went on vacation at the beginning of the summer, and he questioned me, questioned my ability to give 100%...I admitted that I couldn't. I knew what 100% meant.  It meant being challenged.  It meant giving up all control again. And what scared me the most, was it meant recommitting myself to do whatever he wanted, even if it was something I didn't agree with.

The conversation didn't go at all the way I expected it.  I didn't expect to be choosing release right then and there, but that is what happened.  I had only intended to communicate that I didn't feel I could submit to the level he needed me to and still be myself and the person I needed to be outside of our relationship. Over the period of the next couple weeks, I tried to talk to him about it.  I felt that there had to be a way that we could negotiate something that would allow both of our needs to be met while still honoring our D/s commitment to each other.

But Heron is and always has been an all or nothing person. This would be no different.  There would be no negotiation, no limits, no conditions.  And if I wasn't willing to agree to all, then there would be nothing...not even bedroom kink.  I watched with a broken heart as he began almost immediately getting rid of all of our toys and implements. I can't stand that I've hurt him. He feels that maybe he cared about all of this more than I ever did, which couldn't be further from the truth.

On one hand, it all makes me very sad.  On the other, his being so rigid makes me a bit angry.

But all I can do is respect his position.  The readjustment is hard for us both, probably for him more so than me because I had already begun to mentally disengage from the dynamic months ago.

Somehow, we will get through it, as long as we have each other...in the end, that's really all that matters anyways.

"Even the most beautiful days eventually have their sunsets" - author unknown

 
Thank you to all of you...those who followed my journey, those that that became friends, those who reached out to send well wishes or check on me during my silence.  I suspect this may be my last post here but one never knows. 

Burning Bright

This post has been a long time coming, especially for those who are maybe curious as to the status of Chrysalis and I.  See...this is why I sometimes hate putting things out in the atmosphere, especially when those things seem almost too good to be true.  So many times it comes back to bite me.

Don't get me wrong.  The experience isn't anything I regret and I hope that we will be able to continue our friendship. But I think it's safe to say at this point, that's where it will stay.

It's been two months now and physically, things never progressed since the night I was with her and her husband.  Part of it is my fault because I dug my heels in not long afterwards.  We had set out, or so I thought, to pursue more of a one on one relationship.  Somewhere, the waters got muddied for them, but being with both of them wasn't a pattern I was comfortable with nor intended to continue.  I made my feelings known and then stayed true to myself.   

Her situation wasn't as stable as mine which in hindsight...a huge learning lesson! Getting involved with someone, when the foundation of their main relationship isn't solid, is a recipe for disaster.  And because of their issues, unless he was directly involved, there was just a level of uncomfortability there on his part in sharing her with me.  I have tried hard to believe this to be the reality because the alternative, that for them...this was always about me joining them, is painful to deal with. And even though her expressed desires matched mine, the part of me that finds it hard to trust has won that internal debate. 

It was obvious how hard I had fallen, which is frustrating because I knew better...at least the old me would have known better.  Once I realized just how much I had put myself out there for her, and how vulnerable that made me, the walls began to go up.  I only meant to keep my guard up, to protect myself from getting hurt and to be able continue in the relationship in a "friends with benefits" fashion.

It became more and more obvious to me as time went on, even talking to her regularly, that I just couldn't get things back on the right track.  The emotional ups and downs were wearing on me.  There was no time really afforded for just the two of us to spend together.  Without her being in a position to nurture the "benefits" aspect of our relationship, my physical desire just lost momentum and withered. It's taken a while for both of us to accept and come to terms with things as they are, but I think our conversation yesterday finally confirms that we are both making steps to move on.

Heron has been an absolute rock throughout all of this.  He has listened when I needed to talk or rant....been a voice of reason when need be...held me when I needed a shoulder to cry on...and even provided plenty of discipline and direction when it was time to refocus.

Thank you also to my friends out there who have been so supportive and helped me in so many ways.  You all know who you are:)   

I guess we burned bright for a moment, as true passion often does. But that flame tends to go out as quickly as it was ignited.  It's cliche I know...but so very true.  It was a learning experience for sure and I think I have gained a much better understanding of myself and how to approach this type of situation should it ever present itself in the future.

Not sure I want "THIS"

Yes...unfortunately, I said those exact words.  I think He was stunned and not all too happy, although he was quick to assure me I was right to say something.   

A far cry from my last few posts, I know.  Everything just seemed to be "clicking".  But emotions can be like shifting sands, changing direction quickly at times. And since I haven't been posting much lately, it's hard to accurately and completely portray the ups and downs.  I just assumed things would right themselves, as they usually do.

It was just an off day.  Ok...maybe an off week. 

Life has been extremely chaotic the last six weeks and Heron (who I will now go back to referring to as Daddy) had been giving me a good bit of leeway, which I consciously tried not to take advantage of.  But maybe I underestimated just how far I had drifted.

Things bothered me that normally don't.  The urge to resist was strong.  There was a sharp edge of truth in my playful banter.  I had even "jokingly" mentioned I needed a day to just be an asshole.  What the hell would possess me to say that?  As you can imagine, He didn't find it very amusing.  

Droopy (or droppy) feelings and hormones were definitely playing a part.  And I thought it best to let it pass, ride out the storm.  I've done it before, mostly in the beginning but not so much lately.  Maybe just a handful of times in the past couple years, have I doubted my desire for submission.

My thoughts tend to go kind of like this...

Yes, it is what He needs and wants.  And it is undoubtedly what works best for us.  But is all of "THIS"...what I need or want? 

I was struggling, the mental tug of war playing havoc in my head.  And then He is hovering over me as I laid on the bed. He kisses me and whispers "I need more from you".

Why does this statement scare me so much.  Perhaps it makes me feel inadequate, like I am not strong enough in my service or submission to Him and that I am somehow failing.  Or maybe, it is the unknown depth of "MORE".  Maybe it's both.

But what exactly does "MORE" encompass?

I know the answer to that question now.  "More" simply means that He needs more of me.  Thankfully, not a reflection of my submission at all and not an expectation of needing more from me. I feel like such a girl over-complicating such a simple statement.

But at the time, the fear of "MORE" is what made me crack.  My resolve to "let it pass" fell by the wayside as I started babbling about struggling and wondering if I wanted all of this anymore. 

He was calm and understanding, reminding me that He made an agreement to end dynamic if and I when the time came. But the look in His eyes broke my heart the moment the words came out.

On one hand, I wished I hadn't said anything.  On the other hand, getting the words out meant they weren't gumming up the works anymore.  The truth is, I didn't want to go back.  Is there really ever any going back anyways? 

I just needed my feelings to be heard and acknowledged, to know that in theory, we have a choice. Because not having a choice means my submission is not freely given.

We tabled the discussion at the time, agreeing that if I was hormonal/emotional, it wasn't the time to talk about it.  And as I suspected, the feelings passed and we talked about it and cleared everything up over the weekend.

He did indicate a shift in some expectations and for the time being, I am only to refer to him as Daddy.  Not sure exactly why, but I trust that He has a reason. 



      

Motivation: In Response to DtBHC

Don't know how many of you reading this are down here in the South, but we are on our second round of snow in just as many days.  Thankfully, school was already cancelled and I was released early from work so there wasn't a repeat of last year's nightmare with people stranded all over the city but I didn't feel completed at ease until Heron was able to leave work and join us here at home. 

Unfortunately, I am nursing yet another cold.  This one, thanks to Heron.  It's the gift that just keeps giving! So, hopefully I can keep this post on track despite my stuffy head.

Anyways, on to other things...

I want to thank DtBHC for his honesty in the following comment on my last post, Saddle Sore. I'm sure it's quite possible other people have had similar thoughts and after starting to type out a long reply, I thought perhaps it was better to just create a post.

Hi lg, I sometimes want to ask you the same question. Not judging in any way but trying to understand your journey and what motivates you to further your submission. Reading your posts triggers some strong feelings which I find difficult to process. I'm sure that I would fail if I was to be taken down this path. It's not likely to ever happen but I am fascinated by your journey.


Without knowing exactly which part triggers these strong feelings, I am going to try my best to explain my journey and what motivates me to further my submission.  Feel free to elaborate if I have made any wrong assumptions in the direction  your comment.

First of all, I am a consensual slave.  I made a commitment to do as He asks, whenever and wherever.  Of course, this takes a huge amount of trust to know that while pushing my boundaries, He will never push me farther than I can handle.  He has spent years learning my body and my body signals, and He knows exactly where my physical and mental threshold is.  He also understands that this threshold changes based on my hormones, stress, fatigue, and any numerous other outside influences.
   
In His vision of M/s, my purpose and focus should be ensuring His pleasure.  He is not, in turn, required to ensure mine.  My pleasure comes in serving Him.  He sometimes plans scenes that are specifically geared towards enforcing this very principle.  And I emphasize that this is "His vision" of M/s because everyone has their own way, none of which we believe are right or wrong

In the beginning, our dynamic was very much a punishment based system.  I was trained to serve Him in the ways that He expected and failure was met with a very swift negative reinforcement.  I get that some people don't like the idea of this.  But it's what worked for us.  I admit, it was what was needed to break so many of my disrespectful habits and years of conditioning.  And yes, I tried harder because I feared failure and punishment. 

Eventually, as I grew in my submission and transitioned from the mindset of "what will I get our of this", He transitioned to more of a positive reinforcement dynamic and that's when I truly began to thrive. Fear of failure no longer drove me to improve in my service.  Wanting to please Him did.

However, I admit, there are times when I have trouble processing things.  Usually it is only when my desires and expectations are getting the better of me.  It's something I continue to work on.  In fact, the morning that I cried all the way to work was the morning after the horse and extra long cock worship session.  In that moment, I felt like how much more can I give?  

So yeah...if I feel like this on occasion, that probably comes out in my writing when I am recounting a scene.   And questions like "what motivates you in  you submission"...I've had to ask myself frequently.

I'm not a masochist so it's not about getting off on pain.  

And I am quite frankly denied sex quite a bit so it can't be about the sex.

The simple answer is and the one that applies probably 90% of the time is that I have found so much love and contentment in serving Him.  

It took me a long time to get to that point though.  I had always loved serving Him outside the bedroom.  It was in the bedroom I had major control issues and feared His sexual appetite, but mostly I feared His sadistic needs.  For years, I forced His desires into an imaginary closet.  To top it off, I worked pretty damn hard to make Him feel like a freak for having such needs.  He loved me despite it all but it was obvious neither of us was completely happy or fulfilled. 

Our journey has been filled with plenty of bumps and bends in the road and I have failed more times than I can count.  But I've learned that this journey isn't about successes or failures.  This journey is about staying engaged and in tune with each other, always trying to give the other our best.  I don't always enjoy what He chooses to do to me (or not do to me) but it was trust and respect that allowed me to give myself over to Him and it's what allows me to continue doing so. Trust is also what helped created a completely different energy and connection in our marriage.    

Overall, I think by living within the confines of His expectations, I have become a better person.  Patience is definitely having to become one of my virtues. And I think it's made Him a stronger,  more confident person.

So what keeps me motivated the other 10% of the time that I don't find my cup running over with happiness just doing what I am supposed to be doing?  Well, then it's just a matter of being obedient.

Again, thank you for you thoughts and comment DtBHC!  I'm glad to know that my journey fascinates you:)

Who Complains about Such Things?

I started this post a few weeks back and never quite got around to finishing it.  No time better than the present since I'm not getting any relief right now.  He sure knows how to keep me guessing and I have always said He is a man of extremes.  And in this case, either he's giving more than I can handle (many times by my own hand) or none at all!!  sigh

So several weeks ago, this was one of my assignments...

Five orgasms before Daddy gets home from work.

Well this is no easy task given that I get home from work only about an hour before He does and I'm typically busy cooking dinner.  But this particular day, the kids were out, so I thought maybe I stood a chance.  That is until I walked in the house to find my mother anxiously awaiting my attention like one of the children. Eventually, I faked a headache so that I could disappear upstairs  Really, in my own home as a middle aged woman...it's quite ridiculous that I have to lie to my mother to get some privacy. 

Not long after getting started, with only one orgasm under my belt, my phone rang.  The youngest was ready to be picked up.  Dammit! I quickly squeezed in one more before running out of the house.  After getting back, I set her to task working on homework and ran upstairs grabbing the hitachi and dildo and managed to squeak out number three just after I heard the garage door go up, signaling that Daddy had just arrived home from work.

FAIL!!

I tried to explain that I just ran out of time.  He wasn't pleased but He understood.

So let's fast forward to the next day's assignment...

Five orgasms before Daddy gets home from work plus the two I owe from the day before.     

Without me having to say a word, He was already sensing my resistance or at least that's what He interpreted it to be.

You are the only person I know that would complain about cumming TOO much!

It's not that I was complaining.  But I thought He understood about the two from the day before.  Apparently, I should have asked to complete the assignment later, maybe after everyone went to bed.  Urgg...I thought about that...really I did but wrongly assumed that I wouldn't be granted that opportunity.

And what I was feeling wasn't so much resistance as it was frustration.  Sometimes I start to feel put off, like maybe He doesn't desire me.  I know with out a doubt this isn't the case and am reminded of it all the time, but when I'm really tired or my emotions start getting the better of me, that's just the direction my mind goes.  On top of that, if I couldn't do it five times the previous day, why did He think I could do it seven today?

And let's not forget to mention that it's just plain aggravating when there are people I have to dodge and other responsibilities pulling me in different directions.  

But despite my own issues, I came home and got to business, resolved to not let Daddy down this time.  And luckily, the kids were occupied.  It took every bit of an hour but this time when I heard the garage door go up, it pushed me over the edge of my seventh and final orgasm.

Whew...MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!  

But little did I know, that was not all He had planned for me that night.... 

 

 

Tethered

I can't even begin to tell you how cold our first November weekend has been down here in the south.  Last weekend we were wearing shorts, this weekend, coats and scarves.  It is certainly safe to say, I am not ready for winter.

Despite the cold, last night Heron and I headed out for a quiet dinner alone.  He had instructed me to bring my little spiral notebook.  This notebook is actually supposed to be in my purse and with me all the time anyways.  It's sole purpose is to write any assignments He may have for me or any temporary rules/expectations.  These rarely go on my official list of rules but are in effect until He decides otherwise.

So after dinner, He asked me to pull out my notebook as He had some new rules for me.  As He listed them one by one, my heart started to sink and I could feel myself already fighting mentally at the thought of being back into such a state of control.  I know things have become relaxed but once I get used to that, it's really hard getting back in that frame of mind so quickly and abruptly.

Funny, he made the reference to us being "out of kilter" and we needed to put focus back on structure.  Thinking that He was making some reference to my last blog post and assuming all this new rule making was somehow my doing, I kind of scoffed and said oh, you must have read my post.  Actually, come to find out...he hadn't.  Hmmm, well at least our minds still think alike.

Nevertheless, I understand and appreciate His efforts to put our focus back on each other and the dynamic.  It's so easy with the day-to-day demands to make excuses for inconsistency and complacency.

So wish me luck...I see a bumpy ride for myself and lots of opportunity for mistakes until I get my head wrapped around it all.