Wednesday, May 27, 2015

"A Place in My Heart"

VULNERABILITY...a word that has cropped up in a couple blogs here recently.  Whew...this is something I can identify with greatly at the moment.  And along with this extreme sense of vulnerability has come a whole host of emotions that have quite frankly caught me VERY off guard.

While I've learned that I can completely expose and trust Heron with my vulnerability, my life is changing and I am not used to trusting anyone else with that part of me.  Honestly, I have NEVER been able to fully trust anyone else, except Him.  But I shared something special with Chrysalis, exposed a part of myself and then that feeling of intense vulnerability set in.  Plain and simple, it scared the crap out of me.  I can be a bit cynical anyways, always believing that at some point, when something is too good, the other shoe is bound to fall.  So I resorted to what I used to do best and that was to push people away.  It’s what I do in a great effort to protect myself.  And once I begin frantically constructing my fortress, it's REALLY hard to stop. 

In my last post I said "we are all real people, with real emotions that can get caught up in the mix".  This is so very true...probably even more so than I realized when I wrote that post.  A bit of foreshadowing I suppose or perhaps I could already feel what was happening.

After the high of our threesome experience, the crash came.  The "oh my gosh...I just did that" moment hit and it hit hard.  Heron had experienced some of His own issues but had worked through it pretty early on and quickly.  For me, it took several more days for things to bubble to the surface. The three of us (myself, Chrysalis, and her husband) were to meet for more of the same this past Saturday but I knew my head was not in the right place.  Heron could see what was happening, the turmoil between my heart and my head.  I'm also sure He knew where it was coming from but He supported and encouraged me to do what I thought was best for ME.  So, I cancelled our weekend plans. There were a couple other things (discussions) that had happened earlier in the week that I was still grappling to fully understand.  Compound all of that with the ridiculous emotions of PMS, and well what we had brewing was a recipe for disaster. 

I withdrew so hard and so fast, I left everyone's head spinning in the wake.  Chrysalis and I had been very open and honest about some things, including our feelings for each other and that left me feeling extremely vulnerable and terrified of being hurt or hurting anyone else.  Things had moved quickly, very quickly in some respects and I needed to catch my breath.  And while I desperately feared losing her, I also needed to re-establish that I had come into this desiring more of a one-on-one situation with her.  What the three of us shared was awesome and I am certainly open to doing it again at some point, but I felt it important to stay true to my original intentions.   

So it was quite a roller coaster for a few days and mentally exhausting.  This week, we have backed up a bit, just spent some time reconnecting as friends first.  Her and I went for a really nice hike on Memorial Day Monday and met for lunch yesterday.  Just being around her always makes me peaceful and happy. We've spent a lot of time talking about our past, and I think we both have a greater understanding and appreciation for how and why we react to certain situations. 

And the rest...well it's slowly falling back into place but she's letting it flow at my pace right now. 

The moral of the story...no matter how ready you think you are...there may very well be some unexpected emotions.  But Heron has been there every step of the way while I process all of this and if it's even possible, I think we are even stronger for it.


22 comments:

  1. Well said. Yes, we are all vulnerable and when we put ourselves out there, we run the risk of getting hurt or being disappointed. You are an incredibly strong and beautiful woman and you will figure out what is best for you. Hugs oxoxox K

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    1. You two little girl and k) are two peas in a pod ... aren't you? Wonderful stuff from both of you each time your fingers touch the keyboard. proud to friends with both of you.

      XXXXX OOOOO

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    2. Thank you my dear friend K. Yes...that fear of being hurt, when we have felt safe and protected for, so long is a scary place to be. Your support and encouragement means more than you will ever know! xoxoxo

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  2. Such an awesome collection of wise words. Much Love!

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    1. Thank you sub hub. This is quite a learning experience and we are just feeling our way through it one day at a time.

      And yes...K and I are definitely two peas in a pod! The more we talk, the more it seems we live some kind of parallel life:) She is a wonderful friend who has come to mean quite a lot to me!

      Much love in return xo

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  3. I think you hit the nail on the head with your last paragraph.

    With all the best intentions, preparations etc, one or rather both need to be aware of possible adverse after effects, that might not necessarily manifest themselves straightaway.

    x

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    1. Thank you Tori. I do feel bad for having the melt down that I did but I guess it was necessary to recalibrate and figure out what it was that I really wanted and needed.

      Hugs

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  4. wow i am in awe of your new journey, yet i wouldnt want to be in your shoes lol. i can only imagine the waves of thoughts and emotions for you and Heron right now. i applaud you both for your courage and wisdom on this journey and will be watching for more posts. hugs to you all!

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    1. Slave guenivere, I have truly missed you around here lately! I did read your last post and hope that things will be returning to normal for you soon.

      Yes, there have been some unexpected, scary, and exciting changes in our world lately. In some ways, I feel like we are feeling our way through the dark but the one thing we learned very quickly is that no matter what, we have to put each other first and communicate even more so. Thank you for your kind words and support. Hugs to you:)

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  5. Those unexpected emotions are what has me scared. I so appreciate you sharing your journey.

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    1. I have to be honest...I did think of you because I know that is a concern of yours and it is a very real concern. But with the right support...it's possible to get through it.

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  6. This post is even more wonderful today than it was yesterday! Nicely done my friend. I spoke with Mistress last night about this post and how wonderfully and accurately it describes the process of considering anything poly. Such a teacher you are!

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    1. I've actually read this post myself several times. LOL! I am glad it has opened the door to some conversation for you and Mistress K. who knows where that will lead:)

      I don't know about a teacher...like I said to slave guenivere, I kinda feel like we are fumbling around in the dark. No matter how much you read or who you talk to, each different situation is unique. But if my experiences can help anyone at all, then it is really worth sharing the ups and the downs of our journey.

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    2. You're right on … who knows where it will lead, or even if it will lead anywhere, but the conversation started. It was something we considered a couple of time before we entered our FLM but our logical minds never allowed us to have enough courage to put each other's tender, love-filled in potential danger. So we didn't. But who knows …

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    3. I certainly understand any one's hesitancy in going down this road but I will say this. Heron and I knew that we were in such a good place that no matter what...even if this all blew up in our face, we would be just fine. I asked him a couple of times before I did anything "there is no going back...we can't undo what's been done...are we strong enough to handle it?" We both knew without a doubt the answer was yes.

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    4. See ... that's why you're one of my heroes! *smile

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    5. awww...you just made my day:) Hope you have a great weekend!!

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  7. Seems this post sparked multiple conversations between us subs and our Doma.

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    1. It does seem like that HS and it makes me really happy!! I had debated on posting it but I'm really glad that I did.

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  8. Don't feel bad about the meltdown. It is likely part of the process of trying something new. Good luck on where you go from here. Will look forward to hearing how you are doing.

    FD

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    1. Thank you so much FD. I realize now that there were probably alot of things that contributed to that melt down. But things are good...slowly but surely getting back on track. I guess sometimes you can't expect such a significant experience not to affect you greatly. I am super excited to see where the road leads. So many possibilities...

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