What a Year This Has Been

As I look back over this year, I think of how much has changed.

I have changed...

Heron has changed...

We both have changed separately and together. But we have grown. 

The first half of the year seemed quiet and typical. Just the two of us doing our thing.

And then I met Chrysalis, which changed my world completely.

Along with meeting her, I experienced life in a way I thought might never happen. 

Then came my being loaned.

This brought SO many new experiences, all in just a short two day period.

And let's not forget about mine and Heron's photo shoot and visiting a swingers club.

While the middle part of the year was packed full, the latter part has been largely quiet (much like this blog) except for officially becoming part of the slave registry and my pole dancing classes.  

This year has had it's share of ups.  But you know how things go.  With "ups"...there is almost always a "down".   

There has been quite a bit for each of us to process on our own and as a couple.  At times, my mind was just too pre-occupied to write, almost like I had a million things to say but couldn't find the words. 

Thankfully, Heron also finished school so in the quiet time, we have more time to spend nurturing "us".

I think it's been fairly obvious by the few posts recently, that I have been on a path of reflection and introspection.

Sometimes, the "quiet" needs to happen. 

Who knows where the path goes now.  Only time will tell.

But Heron and I would like to close out this year by saying thank you! 

To my friends here that provided advice, kind words, and support...I truly appreciate each and every one of you. 

To my lovely lurkers, I appreciate and adore you too.

To those of you that reached out seeking our advice, we are humbled and flattered. 

I wish you all...Happy Holidays and a Prosperous New Year!

"Striving unto perfection, I give of myself all I am, all I ever will be, all you will ever desire"

While I cannot claim credit for the quote as it was given to me by someone else, it speaks volumes!

 

"A Place in My Heart"

VULNERABILITY...a word that has cropped up in a couple blogs here recently.  Whew...this is something I can identify with greatly at the moment.  And along with this extreme sense of vulnerability has come a whole host of emotions that have quite frankly caught me VERY off guard.

While I've learned that I can completely expose and trust Heron with my vulnerability, my life is changing and I am not used to trusting anyone else with that part of me.  Honestly, I have NEVER been able to fully trust anyone else, except Him.  But I shared something special with Chrysalis, exposed a part of myself and then that feeling of intense vulnerability set in.  Plain and simple, it scared the crap out of me.  I can be a bit cynical anyways, always believing that at some point, when something is too good, the other shoe is bound to fall.  So I resorted to what I used to do best and that was to push people away.  It’s what I do in a great effort to protect myself.  And once I begin frantically constructing my fortress, it's REALLY hard to stop. 

In my last post I said "we are all real people, with real emotions that can get caught up in the mix".  This is so very true...probably even more so than I realized when I wrote that post.  A bit of foreshadowing I suppose or perhaps I could already feel what was happening.

After the high of our threesome experience, the crash came.  The "oh my gosh...I just did that" moment hit and it hit hard.  Heron had experienced some of His own issues but had worked through it pretty early on and quickly.  For me, it took several more days for things to bubble to the surface. The three of us (myself, Chrysalis, and her husband) were to meet for more of the same this past Saturday but I knew my head was not in the right place.  Heron could see what was happening, the turmoil between my heart and my head.  I'm also sure He knew where it was coming from but He supported and encouraged me to do what I thought was best for ME.  So, I cancelled our weekend plans. There were a couple other things (discussions) that had happened earlier in the week that I was still grappling to fully understand.  Compound all of that with the ridiculous emotions of PMS, and well what we had brewing was a recipe for disaster. 

I withdrew so hard and so fast, I left everyone's head spinning in the wake.  Chrysalis and I had been very open and honest about some things, including our feelings for each other and that left me feeling extremely vulnerable and terrified of being hurt or hurting anyone else.  Things had moved quickly, very quickly in some respects and I needed to catch my breath.  And while I desperately feared losing her, I also needed to re-establish that I had come into this desiring more of a one-on-one situation with her.  What the three of us shared was awesome and I am certainly open to doing it again at some point, but I felt it important to stay true to my original intentions.   

So it was quite a roller coaster for a few days and mentally exhausting.  This week, we have backed up a bit, just spent some time reconnecting as friends first.  Her and I went for a really nice hike on Memorial Day Monday and met for lunch yesterday.  Just being around her always makes me peaceful and happy. We've spent a lot of time talking about our past, and I think we both have a greater understanding and appreciation for how and why we react to certain situations. 

And the rest...well it's slowly falling back into place but she's letting it flow at my pace right now. 

The moral of the story...no matter how ready you think you are...there may very well be some unexpected emotions.  But Heron has been there every step of the way while I process all of this and if it's even possible, I think we are even stronger for it.