Knowing One's Place

Seems I have competition these days for Master's attention. 

As I stand in the kitchen making dinner, I hear that all too familiar sound of the garage door letting me know Master just got home from work.

Stopping what I am doing, I take my place, kneeling down on the floor by the door so that I am the first thing he sees when he comes in. 

I wait patiently to greet each of his shoes with my kiss, which is always followed by him taking my hands and pulling me up to him for a kiss. I love this new little ritual.  

But here SHE comes again, ready to greet her Master too. 

Her eyes stare longingly at the crack of light coming from under the door.  Her ears perk because she can hear the sound of His footsteps coming from farther away than I can.

She begins pacing as she continues to wait but then stops firmly in front of me and sits down, still intent on the door.

Greedy bitch she is...tries to be the first.  Oh, we have played this game before. 

This time, without moving an inch, I softly growl two words, "Get back". 

I smile to myself when she gets up and moves away from the door, actually going off to eat her dinner and wait her rightful turn.     

I may be the boss at work, but we all know I am not the boss at home. 

However, I will be the alpha bitch!

That is...just as soon as I can keep the other dog from trying to hump me every time I sit on the floor. 

 

Back to Routines...and New Experiences

Vacation was great and the beach was absolutely beautiful.  Oh...wait...we did see a shark!!  It was like a scene from Jaws...people running out of the water, frantically looking for their children.  The lifeguards paddled out and confirmed it was ONLY about a 6 foot long hammerhead.  Crazy...huh?

But no matter how nice vacation is...it's always nice to get back home to your own home, your own bed, and all your other comforts.

I did manage to get myself in a little bit of trouble on the last day of the trip though.  Guess just  being out of our normal element and routine, I was just feeling very full of myself and got a bit sassy.  It was all meant very playfully and Daddy seemed to really enjoy the fact that I was digging quite a hole for myself.

Later that evening, He sent the kids down to the beach because we needed to pack...or so I thought.  As soon as they left, He rummaged through the kitchen drawer in the condo, pulled out a plastic slotted spatula and pointed to the bedroom. 

Oooo...I might have poked the bear one too many times! 

He bent me over the side of the bed and immediately brought the spatula down on each of my cheeks.  I can't even describe the pain.  I've been spanked plenty of times with a spatula but this time it was so intense that my body immediately tried to bolt back upright.  He tried forcing me back  down with His free hand and after only a few more strikes, the spatula broke. 

As He returned to the kitchen, I buried my face in the bed trying to hold back the tears, unsuccessfully I might add and truly regretting my smart mouth.  He returned this time with a wooden spoon and continued paddling hard and fast. There was no chance to count like usual to focus my mind, I just held my breath and waited for it to end.  Within moments afterwards, the kids returned with impeccable timing as always, but just like that, all was right in our world again.

Life since we got home has been crazy getting ready for the kids to start school.  I really enjoy the summertime without worrying about sports, homework, bedtimes, etc. but just like our D/s relationship, our family functions better with structure and routine.  The youngest started middle school this week and the oldest will be starting college in about 10 days.  So, needless to say, I am very happy to be returning to a normal type schedule.  

On a different note, there are a couple of things happening this month that I am SUPER excited about.  Both should be fun but will push my limits of comfortability a bit, perhaps alot.  I'm not going give away one of them just yet but the other happens this weekend and I have been looking forward to it now for about a month.  A friend, someone I met at the very first munch I ever attended a couple years ago, invited me to spend the weekend at a clothing optional resort!! 

This was an opportunity I just couldn't resist and Daddy wouldn't have wanted me to miss out on it  anyways.  He is always supportive and encouraging me to experience life and have fun, even if it's not something that he isn't interested in doing. 

So...as they say...let the good times roll!!

Trust Issues...Who Me?

It's hard enough when you have to yourself acknowledge that you see a flaw in your being.  It's even harder when your significant other knows you better than you know yourself sometimes. 

But what's harder than accepting either of those? 

When your kids are the ones who point out something about your character...a side that you try so hard to hide so as to not jade them in their youth.  The side of you that tries to be positive because you desperately don't want live with negativity surrounding your life.  The side of you that wants to believe people are inherently good but knows that there is so much evil in the world. 

My youngest, out of the blue, the other day tells me that I have "trust issues".  Her and her sister had been talking about it she said.

Gut punch...number 1!

Sheesh...my kids are now at the age where they can not only analyze me but are discussing these things about me.  Unfortunately, I can't say that it's not entirely true.  Hell, it took me nearly 20 years to completely trust my own husband.  I trusted Him with my heart...just not my mind or my body.    

So, I ask older daughter about it during the course of a conversation later that evening.  She said she just felt that I had a lot of bad stuff happen in my life...things that had made me cynical and reluctant to trust people. .

Gut punch...number 2!

Now I am cynical and have trust issues.  Exactly the characteristics I see in my parents that I have tried so hard to overcome.

But it's true and that's a hard fact to face. 

When something unknown or uncomfortable is placed in front of me, my mind jumps to all the possible worse case scenarios and outcomes. This has been one of the biggest hurdles for me to overcome in my submission.   

When I do finally open up enough to truly let someone in...god forbid they break my trust.

And if I even begin to sense that I could be hurt or disappointed, my walls go back up and it seems I don't know how to ever let that person back in.

So now I am left to wonder what example I have set for my kids and how it will impact their outlook on life, love, and happiness.  

   

Shoot for the Moon

What a crazy whirlwind of activity this week and weekend has been.  One child graduating from elementary school, the other celebrating the huge milestone event of high school graduation.

I've been both looking forward to and dreading the end of this school year since it started because I'm constantly left wondering "where does the time go?"   

Several times this week, I found myself on the brink of tears...looking through old photos with Heron, flashing through the different memories in my head while driving down the road, standing in the bakery ordering her cake, seeing her name in print on the graduation program. 

Our oldest daughter...she makes me so proud to see how much she has already accomplished and what a close relationship her and I have.  But most of all, I am excited to see what else life has in store for her...and us! 

The only dark spot in the day was a huge hole in my heart knowing that this was a day, among many others, that my sister would never have wanted to miss.  

But looking around as the party was coming to a close, I took a moment to just to appreciate celebrating with so many people I love and having all three of our children (and a daughter-in-law) under the same roof for the weekend...and I realized just how blessed I truly am.

Parents-1, Kid-0

Apparently, we have horrified our youngest! No worries...she didn't see anything.  She's just putting two and two together about what moms and dads do behind closed doors.  

Typically, we wait for most adult activities to happen once the house is quiet, and the little one is asleep.  I say little one but she is actually 11...going on 25!  Except for that part about not being able to stay in her bed all night.  

Well, Sunday night, I had a goal to complete...five complete blowjobs from Friday night to Sunday night. And the last one wasn't happening if we waited on her to go to bed.  So I tucked her in, told her we would be in our room for a little while, and that the door would be locked so she needed to go to bed on her own.

Oh, boy did I hear about it as soon as I got home from work yesterday! 

"Mom, I know what you and Dad were doing last night.  That's soooo disgusting".

She didn't really know. The door was locked and she couldn't hear a thing but she also wasn't buying the whole we were watching TV story.  Of course having an 18 year old to egg her on doesn't help at all..

She continues on saying she will NEVER get in our bed again...it's just GROSS!!

When we were alone, Heron and I high-fived each other and joked that we should have taken that approach a long time ago if that's all it was going to take.

A Sigh of Relief

I wish I had something fun to write about but this sickness has been lingering here now for over a week.  And now that I am finally feeling a bit better, the youngest is sick. Maybe the timing is good though because Daddy has had to stay completely immersed with work and school this week.  So, at least I don't feel quite as guilty for not being able to serve Him in my usual capacity. 

But on a good note...actually a really good note, the eldest received an acceptance letter to her  college of choice and scored high enough on her ACT to be awarded an academic scholarship that will cover her entire tuition!!  I'm so happy for her and breathing a sigh of relief.      

Life Hurts

 
This was a tough weekend in our house. Helping a daughter go through that first horrible break-up is one way to turn everyone's life upside down.

It's gut-wrenching to watch your child experience the kind of lying, betrayal, and pain that relationships can often bring.  As a naive 18 year old, she has the most trusting soul and really sees only the good in people.

The worst part...Daddy and I knew this guy's story from the day we met him.  As we watched her fall fast, we warned her about his type and the road that lay ahead, knowing there was nothing we could do except wait for the pieces to fall. 

In the end, our warnings peaked her curiosity enough to seek the truth. And then, she was left to make the toughest decision in her life so far.

But it doesn't feel any better when your child calls sobbing and choking out the words "you were right".  Picking up the fragile pieces of your child's broken heart...well it just sucks.  

Her and I spent a lot of time together this weekend.  In between the bouts of crying, there was a lot of talking and plenty of movie watching.  But it was Daddy's conversation with her last night that seemed to help the most. It wasn't a comfortable conversation for Him, I'm sure.  He tends to leave the love and relationship stuff to me.

But He has such a way with all of us. He is our strength and stability when we need it most.  And I honestly don't know what we would ever do without Him.

He Is My Constant

I hated that I haven't posted in a little while.  Guess with the holiday season quickly approaching, time is getting away from me and so are the number of shopping days for that matter. 

Admittedly, I have just felt a bit down in the dumps lately.  The Christmas spirit has been slow to make a move on me this year.  It's not that I am a bah-hum-bug or anything.  Really, I do love the holidays.  Spending time with the people that are important to me is what I love.

What I find frustrating is that the important things tend to get lost with the hustle to run from one gathering to another and frantically shop for presents.  Well, you all know the drill.

Every year, I tell myself I will start earlier next year but late fall is absolutely the busiest time of year at work so it just never seems to happen. 

The holidays are also just a sad reminder of a huge gap in my life and a reminder that my family is broken in so many ways.  Not mine and Heron's relationship and our kids, but the family I grew up with.  Gatherings are forced and awkward, never warm and loving, never full of laughs and great memories.

Something else that hasn't helped is that we are now in the fifth year of my mother living with us.    Apparently, this year she decided to start decorating MY house her way...which hasn't helped my frustration level one bit. I did say that I was extremely controlled as a child, right? And now that she's trying to do it in my own house...well, let's just say, I have honestly been about to blow a gasket. 

Heron is wonderful though.  He is the constant in my life.  And when all else is haywire, it's His love, support and guidance that keeps me sane.   

So finally, yesterday I forced myself to get my decorations out and take over what had already been started.  The house looks beautiful and I'm feeling more in the spirit. 

Now, if I could just get motivated to finish the shopping!!  

Lines of Communication

I had a great conversation with my oldest daughter yesterday.  An eye-opening, amazing conversation really.  She and I have always been extremely close.  I've always known she has a good head on her shoulders and she carries herself with a maturity that is well beyond her years.  We've also been extremely fortunate to have never experienced the typical teenage strife.  Honestly, I don't know what I did to be so lucky.

Anyways, she came home the other day and eagerly asked me if I had seen the trailer for the 50 Shades movie.

GULP!

Well, she is 18 years old now, so it's not surprising that the kids at school have been talking about it.  Even though she hasn't read the story, she knows that I did and I'm pretty sure she has unintentionally come across enough to guess that we are at least a bit kinky (ahem...photos of school girl outfit).  But I gave her a bit of advice a while back ago..if you don't want to know the answer...don't ask.

However, I've always been very open in talking with her and educating her about sex so I decided this was a perfect opportunity to open the lines of communication about alternative lifestyles and see what she knew and how she felt about it.  Without getting into what we do, I did explain that people have varied sexual needs and desires. This is just my opinion, but I believe that what happens in your bedroom is between you and your partner and not something to discuss with your kids, regardless of age.  Unless of course they ask are are comfortable with the information. 

Well, when she used the term BDSM before I even had a chance to, my jaw hit the floor.  I was like, you know about that?!  I don't think I had that level of understanding until I was married, but that's beside the point.  Times are different now.  These kids know WAY more than we did and at a really young age.  

Then, she started discussing the dominant and submissive personalities, not necessarily in a sexual context, just more in general.  

WHEW!!  Now wiping the sweat off my face...wondering am I really having this conversation with my child.

Hoping that she wasn't trying too hard to label herself just yet, I tried to explain to her that while these personality traits are inherent in some people, it could also be more complex and fluctuate depending on the situation or even the personality type of the person you are with.      

Overall, what impressed me most was her tolerance for people's personal choices.  She felt that whatever type of sex people engaged in was their business, and as long as it made them happy, it didn't matter any to her. 

Now, I was raised in a very closed-minded environment.  It was an environment that judged anyone and everyone for being different.  And ultimately, it took years for me to get over all the negativity and stigmas, not just towards others but also myself.  How I was raised very much played into my inability to feel confident in experimenting sexually.     

I'm so proud of her open-mindedness.  Hopefully, what we have instilled will help her feel confident and supported in whatever choices she makes along the way.
     

Real Life Keeps Calling...

This has been a sad week in our house.  We unexpectedly had to say goodbye to our eldest dog.  She was more or less mine and Heron's girl.  The other two dogs, even though I take care of them all, were picked out specifically for each of our daughters.  

I'm glad whatever happened to her, happened fairly quickly though, most likely a stroke.  She went from being happy and healthy one day, to not being able to stand or walk the next.  I knew my decision was the right one but it certainly doesn't make it any easier.  It kind of makes sense now why the middle dog had been attacking her.  She must have sensed that the other one was ill or weakened.  We've had to keep them separated for a while now and I am kind of glad we don't have the stress hanging over our head that she would get killed in a dog fight. 

Gosh...it just sucks though!  I've had to make the decision several times to have one of our pets put down and this time I realized just how alone I feel in that.  Don't get me wrong...Heron is always completely supportive but it's one area that is mine to deal with completely.  He's never been the one to have that conversation with the vet or be the one holding our beloved pet as they take their last breath.  For all that tough exterior, I know He just can't do it and I love that He is that tender-hearted when it comes to certain things. 

Sometimes we still have to be the strong one...



 

As Time Flies

Earlier today, I was sitting drinking my coffee, waiting on my oldest daughter to finish getting ready.

Getting ready for what?...you may ask.

Senior portraits!

And being the sap that I am, I had to fight back tears the whole morning.

It's all happening so fast.  This year is already flying by and I feel paralyzed by the fact that in less than a year, she will be in college.

How can this be?  How can my little baby be such a grown young woman?

How am I old enough to have a child going into college? And let me just tell you, I am really struggling with that one!

The other day, I received an email with a reminder to be visiting colleges while out on Fall Break.  It really felt like a kick in the gut.  Logically, I know we need to be doing this already but it was the reality of it that hit me so hard.  

Holy crap...college applications are due in just a few short months.  We are more than halfway through September.  This year is going to be over before I know it.  

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Senior pictures today...

Cap and gown fittings next week...

And soon, all the other joys that senior year brings!

It's all happening whether I want it to or not.

But all I see every time I look at her is the beautiful little girl we brought into this world,  And while I so look forward to seeing what life has in store for her, I just wish time would slow down, even if just for a little while.