It's hard enough when you have to yourself acknowledge that you see a flaw in your being. It's even harder when your significant other knows you better than you know yourself sometimes.
But what's harder than accepting either of those?
When your kids are the ones who point out something about your character...a side that you try so hard to hide so as to not jade them in their youth. The side of you that tries to be positive because you desperately don't want live with negativity surrounding your life. The side of you that wants to believe people are inherently good but knows that there is so much evil in the world.
My youngest, out of the blue, the other day tells me that I have "trust issues". Her and her sister had been talking about it she said.
Gut punch...number 1!
Sheesh...my kids are now at the age where they can not only analyze me but are discussing these things about me. Unfortunately, I can't say that it's not entirely true. Hell, it took me nearly 20 years to completely trust my own husband. I trusted Him with my heart...just not my mind or my body.
So, I ask older daughter about it during the course of a conversation later that evening. She said she just felt that I had a lot of bad stuff happen in my life...things that had made me cynical and reluctant to trust people. .
Gut punch...number 2!
Now I am cynical and have trust issues. Exactly the characteristics I see in my parents that I have tried so hard to overcome.
But it's true and that's a hard fact to face.
When something unknown or uncomfortable is placed in front of me, my mind jumps to all the possible worse case scenarios and outcomes. This has been one of the biggest hurdles for me to overcome in my submission.
When I do finally open up enough to truly let someone in...god forbid they break my trust.
And if I even begin to sense that I could be hurt or disappointed, my walls go back up and it seems I don't know how to ever let that person back in.
So now I am left to wonder what example I have set for my kids and how it will impact their outlook on life, love, and happiness.