Monday, June 22, 2015
Not sure I want "THIS"
Yes...unfortunately, I said those exact words. I think He was stunned and not all too happy, although he was quick to assure me I was right to say something.
A far cry from my last few posts, I know. Everything just seemed to be "clicking". But emotions can be like shifting sands, changing direction quickly at times. And since I haven't been posting much lately, it's hard to accurately and completely portray the ups and downs. I just assumed things would right themselves, as they usually do.
It was just an off day. Ok...maybe an off week.
Life has been extremely chaotic the last six weeks and Heron (who I will now go back to referring to as Daddy) had been giving me a good bit of leeway, which I consciously tried not to take advantage of. But maybe I underestimated just how far I had drifted.
Things bothered me that normally don't. The urge to resist was strong. There was a sharp edge of truth in my playful banter. I had even "jokingly" mentioned I needed a day to just be an asshole. What the hell would possess me to say that? As you can imagine, He didn't find it very amusing.
Droopy (or droppy) feelings and hormones were definitely playing a part. And I thought it best to let it pass, ride out the storm. I've done it before, mostly in the beginning but not so much lately. Maybe just a handful of times in the past couple years, have I doubted my desire for submission.
My thoughts tend to go kind of like this...
Yes, it is what He needs and wants. And it is undoubtedly what works best for us. But is all of "THIS"...what I need or want?
I was struggling, the mental tug of war playing havoc in my head. And then He is hovering over me as I laid on the bed. He kisses me and whispers "I need more from you".
Why does this statement scare me so much. Perhaps it makes me feel inadequate, like I am not strong enough in my service or submission to Him and that I am somehow failing. Or maybe, it is the unknown depth of "MORE". Maybe it's both.
But what exactly does "MORE" encompass?
I know the answer to that question now. "More" simply means that He needs more of me. Thankfully, not a reflection of my submission at all and not an expectation of needing more from me. I feel like such a girl over-complicating such a simple statement.
But at the time, the fear of "MORE" is what made me crack. My resolve to "let it pass" fell by the wayside as I started babbling about struggling and wondering if I wanted all of this anymore.
He was calm and understanding, reminding me that He made an agreement to end dynamic if and I when the time came. But the look in His eyes broke my heart the moment the words came out.
On one hand, I wished I hadn't said anything. On the other hand, getting the words out meant they weren't gumming up the works anymore. The truth is, I didn't want to go back. Is there really ever any going back anyways?
I just needed my feelings to be heard and acknowledged, to know that in theory, we have a choice. Because not having a choice means my submission is not freely given.
We tabled the discussion at the time, agreeing that if I was hormonal/emotional, it wasn't the time to talk about it. And as I suspected, the feelings passed and we talked about it and cleared everything up over the weekend.
He did indicate a shift in some expectations and for the time being, I am only to refer to him as Daddy. Not sure exactly why, but I trust that He has a reason.