It isn’t often that I need an emotional purge or “catharsis”. And it is even rarer occasions that Daddy will use physical pain to bring about such a cleansing. But last night I guess He saw all the signs and decided that was exactly what was in order.
He didn't even let me choose and bring Him the implement this day. This day, He chose the bamboo cane himself. I laid across the bed, bracing for the first strike. It stung and I flinched, but almost instantly, I could feel my body relaxing and my breathing slowly returning to normal. Still counting in my head, the number grew closer to 20 and each strike hurt a little more than the one before. By 25, I was biting down on the pillow and trying hard very hard not to squirm. Daddy noticed and commented on the faintest of moisture beginning to develop in my eyes.
This is where oftentimes He would stop but not this day. This day, He ordered me up and to the walk-in closet. Waiting for Him, I assumed my pose. Facing the corner of the wall, I laced my fingers behind my head and moved my feet just shoulder width apart. I could hear His footsteps across the tile of the bathroom floor as He approached and stood behind me. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the wooden spoon in His right hand. He proceeded to paddle me with the spoon, 2 swats to each cheek at a time, finally stopping when the count in my head reached 50.
As soon as He was finished, I turned around to face Him. Dropping to my knees as I am expected to do, I filled my mouth with His smooth, hard flesh. I didn't expect Him to stop me so quickly but He did and pulled me into His arms, wrapping me in His blanket of safety. The tears finally began to slowly flow.
It very much took me by surprise when He turned me around again, grabbing my hands, and told me to place them above my head and brace myself against the corner of the wall.
This is when the hardest of the paddling began. My flesh was already stinging and sore and I hadn't been expecting the spanking to continue, which made it all harder to handle. After 10 really hard strikes, the tears flowed just a little freer. But it wasn't until the next set of...honestly at this point, I don't know how many...that the dam finally broke. Each strike brought harder sobs as I stood there helpless, while His voice coaxed and encouraged me to let it all go.
When the spanking stopped, His body engulfed me, and we stood there together in the closet while my tears continued pouring down His chest.
I think for the first time, I realized and really appreciated just how much I needed that release. I have a really bad habit of stuffing things down, burying the emotions and trying to remain stoic. For what....I don't know, except that I hate to cry.
Of course, you can see by the picture...I had a lasting reminder even into today.
This post has been a long time coming, especially for those who are maybe curious as to the status of Chrysalis and I. See...this is why I sometimes hate putting things out in the atmosphere, especially when those things seem almost too good to be true. So many times it comes back to bite me.
Don't get me wrong. The experience isn't anything I regret and I hope that we will be able to continue our friendship. But I think it's safe to say at this point, that's where it will stay.
It's been two months now and physically, things never progressed since the night I was with her and her husband. Part of it is my fault because I dug my heels in not long afterwards. We had set out, or so I thought, to pursue more of a one on one relationship. Somewhere, the waters got muddied for them, but being with both of them wasn't a pattern I was comfortable with nor intended to continue. I made my feelings known and then stayed true to myself.
Her situation wasn't as stable as mine which in hindsight...a huge learning lesson! Getting involved with someone, when the foundation of their main relationship isn't solid, is a recipe for disaster. And because of their issues, unless he was directly involved, there was just a level of uncomfortability there on his part in sharing her with me. I have tried hard to believe this to be the reality because the alternative, that for them...this was always about me joining them, is painful to deal with. And even though her expressed desires matched mine, the part of me that finds it hard to trust has won that internal debate.
It was obvious how hard I had fallen, which is frustrating because I knew better...at least the old me would have known better. Once I realized just how much I had put myself out there for her, and how vulnerable that made me, the walls began to go up. I only meant to keep my guard up, to protect myself from getting hurt and to be able continue in the relationship in a "friends with benefits" fashion.
It became more and more obvious to me as time went on, even talking to her regularly, that I just couldn't get things back on the right track. The emotional ups and downs were wearing on me. There was no time really afforded for just the two of us to spend together. Without her being in a position to nurture the "benefits" aspect of our relationship, my physical desire just lost momentum and withered. It's taken a while for both of us to accept and come to terms with things as they are, but I think our conversation yesterday finally confirms that we are both making steps to move on.
Heron has been an absolute rock throughout all of this. He has listened when I
needed to talk or rant....been a voice of reason when need
be...held me when I needed a shoulder to cry on...and even provided plenty of discipline and direction when it was time to refocus.
Thank you also to my friends out there who have been so supportive and helped me in so many ways. You all know who you are:)
I guess we burned bright for a moment, as true passion often does. But that flame tends to go out as quickly as it was ignited. It's cliche I know...but so very true. It was a learning experience for sure and I think I have gained a much better understanding of myself and how to approach this type of situation should it ever present itself in the future.
It's hard enough when you have to yourself acknowledge that you see a flaw in your being. It's even harder when your significant other knows you better than you know yourself sometimes.
But what's harder than accepting either of those?
When your kids are the ones who point out something about your character...a side that you try so hard to hide so as to not jade them in their youth. The side of you that tries to be positive because you desperately don't want live with negativity surrounding your life. The side of you that wants to believe people are inherently good but knows that there is so much evil in the world.
My youngest, out of the blue, the other day tells me that I have "trust issues". Her and her sister had been talking about it she said.
Gut punch...number 1!
Sheesh...my kids are now at the age where they can not only analyze me but are discussing these things about me. Unfortunately, I can't say that it's not entirely true. Hell, it took me nearly 20 years to completely trust my own husband. I trusted Him with my heart...just not my mind or my body.
So, I ask older daughter about it during the course of a conversation later that evening. She said she just felt that I had a lot of bad stuff happen in my life...things that had made me cynical and reluctant to trust people. .
Gut punch...number 2!
Now I am cynical and have trust issues. Exactly the characteristics I see in my parents that I have tried so hard to overcome.
But it's true and that's a hard fact to face.
When something unknown or uncomfortable is placed in front of me, my mind jumps to all the possible worse case scenarios and outcomes. This has been one of the biggest hurdles for me to overcome in my submission.
When I do finally open up enough to truly let someone in...god forbid they break my trust.
And if I even begin to sense that I could be hurt or disappointed, my walls go back up and it seems I don't know how to ever let that person back in.
So now I am left to wonder what example I have set for my kids and how it will impact their outlook on life, love, and happiness.