Monday, April 27, 2015
Growth is something I have really seen in myself particularly the last few months, not just in the ways that I respect and serve Heron but also in how my mind is opening to new possibilities. Fear is a bitch to overcome but I don't want that to hinder me any longer. He's willing to let me explore, encourages me even to experience some of my deepest desires. You know the cliche..."you only live once".
And while it's not been easy, He's helping me to realize that it is okay to put myself out there. And yes, putting yourself out there comes with the risk of getting hurt or being rejected but if you don't try, you might miss out on something really good. I've been hesitant to post too many details about what's been going on for a couple of reasons. For one, I still wasn't sure how things were going to unfold (and I'm still not completely sure) but mostly I stayed quiet out of fear of jinxing myself. Everything was going so well, sure enough as soon as I opened my mouth, I would mess it up. But yes, I did say that I wasn't letting fear stop me, right?!
So, I wasn't actively searching but I had to come to point in my life where I knew I was ready to fulfill this particular fantasy, should the opportunity come along. If it was never meant to be, well I was alright with that too.
But then I met her.
It all started with a random stranger "loving" several of my pictures on Fetlife. Because his profile didn't seem creepy, I sent a private message, simply thanking him for taking the time to enjoy my pictures. Usually people are flattered that I took the time to acknowledge them and then we go about our business. But this man was quite friendly and respectful. After several messages back and forth, He had Heron's permission to send me a friend request.
Well, a couple days later, this new friend of mine commented on a picture, which showed up in my main feed page of Fet. Nosy person that I am, I clicked on the picture and couldn't help but notice how attractive this woman was. Looking through her other photos, I was more intrigued and went to her main profile. Strangely enough, she lived very close to me and stated very clearly what she was looking for.
I don't know how many of you believe in "signs" but it felt like things were being placed in front of me and I knew if I didn't at least follow these crumbs, I was letting fear hold me back. So, as scary as that first step was, I put myself out there and sent her a message. It was nothing more than a quick hello to say that I had seen her profile and noticed that we lived near each other.
When she messaged back shortly thereafter, I was in shock. We began talking back and forth and this continued for days until we made plans to meet in person for dinner. Exactly one week after that first message, I was standing in my bathroom trying to decide what to wear and was so nervous I could barely stand myself. She texted me a picture of what she was wearing and I'm not one who easily rendered speechless but I almost couldn't think straight. She looked amazing! And like just about any other female, I instantly debated on changing outfits, thinking that I was way under dressed, but then decided to stop second guessing myself and stick with what I had originally intended.
Heron stayed on the phone with me while I drove to dinner talking me through my nerves. But once her and I met, the dinner went so well, neither of us was ready to end the evening. So, we went next door to Starbucks, staying there until closing time. We spent five hours together that night just talking and getting to know each other. Honestly, I don't think I have ever spent that kind of time with a woman, even in a strictly platonic sense. Women are not the easiest for me to make friends with and I think a lot of that has to do with feeling like I can't be myself. But with her, I found myself instantly at ease and everything just flowed naturally.
Before meeting, we had already discussed that we weren't just interested in the physical aspect of a relationship. There also needed to be a connection and chemistry. And while we had talked enough to know that connection wasn't going to be a problem, the chemistry was yet to be determined. But if it wasn't there, at least we would have found a friend.
I think it's safe to say there was plenty of both and we were already making plans to meet again the next weekend.
We continued talking throughout the whole next week and counted down the days. Before I knew it Saturday evening had arrived and I was standing at her front door, not nearly as nervous as I had been the week before.
With the house to ourselves for the next few hours, we went in with no expectations but knowing the possibilities were quite exciting!