Don't know how many of you reading this are down here in the South, but we are on our second round of snow in just as many days. Thankfully, school was already cancelled and I was released early from work so there wasn't a repeat of last year's nightmare with people stranded all over the city but I didn't feel completed at ease until Heron was able to leave work and join us here at home.
Unfortunately, I am nursing yet another cold. This one, thanks to Heron. It's the gift that just keeps giving! So, hopefully I can keep this post on track despite my stuffy head.
Anyways, on to other things...
I want to thank DtBHC for his honesty in the following comment on my last post, Saddle Sore. I'm sure it's quite possible other people have had similar thoughts and after starting to type out a long reply, I thought perhaps it was better to just create a post.
Hi lg, I sometimes want to ask you the same question. Not judging in any
way but trying to understand your journey and what motivates you to
further your submission. Reading your posts triggers some strong
feelings which I find difficult to process. I'm sure that I would fail
if I was to be taken down this path. It's not likely to ever happen but I
am fascinated by your journey.
Without knowing exactly which part triggers these strong feelings, I am going to try my best to explain my journey and what motivates me to further my submission. Feel free to elaborate if I have made any wrong assumptions in the direction your comment.
First of all, I am a consensual slave. I made a commitment to do as He asks, whenever and wherever. Of course, this takes a huge amount of trust to know that while pushing my boundaries, He will never push me farther than I can handle. He has spent years learning my body and my body signals, and He knows exactly where my physical and mental threshold is. He also understands that this threshold changes based on my hormones, stress, fatigue, and any numerous other outside influences.
In His vision of M/s, my purpose and focus should be ensuring His pleasure. He is not, in turn, required to ensure mine. My pleasure comes in serving Him. He sometimes plans scenes that are specifically geared towards enforcing this very principle. And I emphasize that this is "His vision" of M/s because everyone has their own way, none of which we believe are right or wrong
In the beginning, our dynamic was very much a punishment based system. I was trained to serve Him in the ways that He expected and failure was met with a very swift negative reinforcement. I get that some people don't like the idea of this. But it's what worked for us. I admit, it was what was needed to break so many of my disrespectful habits and years of conditioning. And yes, I tried harder because I feared failure and punishment.
Eventually, as I grew in my submission and transitioned from the mindset of "what will I get our of this", He transitioned to more of a positive reinforcement dynamic and that's when I truly began to thrive. Fear of failure no longer drove me to improve in my service. Wanting to please Him did.
However, I admit, there are times when I have trouble processing things. Usually it is only when my desires and expectations are getting the better of me. It's something I continue to work on. In fact, the morning that I cried all the way to work was the morning after the horse and extra long cock worship session. In that moment, I felt like how much more can I give?
So yeah...if I feel like this on occasion, that probably comes out in my writing when I am recounting a scene. And questions like "what motivates you in you submission"...I've had to ask myself frequently.
I'm not a masochist so it's not about getting off on pain.
And I am quite frankly denied sex quite a bit so it can't be about the sex.
The simple answer is and the one that applies probably 90% of the time is that I have found so much love and contentment in serving Him.
It took me a long time to get to that point though. I had always loved serving Him outside the bedroom. It was in the bedroom I had major control issues and feared His sexual appetite, but mostly I feared His sadistic needs. For years, I forced His desires into an imaginary closet. To top it off, I worked pretty damn hard to make Him feel like a freak for having such needs. He loved me despite it all but it was obvious neither of us was completely happy or fulfilled.
Our journey has been filled with plenty of bumps and bends in the road and I have failed more times than I can count. But I've learned that this journey isn't about successes or failures. This journey is about staying engaged and in tune with each other, always trying to give the other our best. I don't always enjoy what He chooses to do to me (or not do to me) but it was trust and respect that allowed me to give myself over to Him and it's what allows me to continue doing so. Trust is also what helped created a completely different energy and connection in our marriage.
Overall, I think by living within the confines of His expectations, I have become a better person. Patience is definitely having to become one of my virtues. And I think it's made Him a stronger, more confident person.
So what keeps me motivated the other 10% of the time that I don't find my cup running over with happiness just doing what I am supposed to be doing? Well, then it's just a matter of being obedient.
Again, thank you for you thoughts and comment DtBHC! I'm glad to know that my journey fascinates you:)