Not Tonight Dear...

One reader that I have gotten to know pretty well asked me the other day, if I am ever allowed to use the "not tonight pass" if I am tired or not feeling well, particularly after working all day and juggling busy schedules with the kids.   

This is a really good question because we all have days that we are tired and not particularly in the mood, right?

But truthfully, in our dynamic, there is no such thing as a "not tonight pass", at least for me to use anyways.  Regardless of stress, exhaustion, schedules, if Heron requires my service, I am expected to willingly comply.  This was one the first aspects of control that He took from me at the start of our D/s relationship..

Now, having said that, He is also very aware of how I feel and it is quite common for Him to see the exhaustion in my face and insist that I go to bed, even if He is "in the mood".

In fact, this happened just the other night.  One of the things He requires of me is to use my mouth on Him every night, unless He states otherwise.  As usual, I was ready and waiting on the bed when He came in the room.  He took one look at me and said, "you look really tired...just get your rest tonight".  I didn't even try to convince Him otherwise.  I thanked Him for understanding and laid right down.   

My well being is of utmost importance to Him but I think another reason He is more understanding now when I am not feeling up to sex or play is that He no longer has to be concerned with when He might get His needs met.  He can just expect it the next day or as soon as opportunity presents itself.   

Whereas, if we were still in our previous egalitarian relationship and I turned him down, His needs could go unmet indefinitely because it was all about when I wanted it and He was at my mercy to decide when I was willing and in the mood.     

At first, I thought this rule would be horrid but to be honest, I'm so relieved to not have this power anymore.   First, I started to see that there were plenty of times I didn't necessarily think I was in the mood, only to realize the connection and release (if allowed) was just what I needed.  I also think having more sex and play, leads to wanting or craving more sex and play.  

Not to mention...being used, whether I want to or not, plays right into my of fantasies about  being taken against my will:)

I've spent a lot of time looking back over the previous years of our marriage and I truly regret all the fighting over sex.  I used it as a form of control and had some pretty selfish views.  I don't want to blame my upbringing, but I was just raised to believe there was something wrong with a man who wanted it all the time. 

Even though my husband always had a very high drive, my pleasure was always His priority and I thanked Him for that by constantly pushing Him away and making Him feel like less of a person for the needs He had.  I've just had to accept that some things you can't take back...you can only spend the rest of your life making up for it. 

It's all kind of ironic now though.  As His slave I am only entitled to whatever He chooses, whenever He chooses.  So I have learned to appreciate each and every opportunity presented.   

There's nothing like knowing that you can't just have something whenever you want it to make you want it that much more.

Thank you so much for your question!!