A recent email conversation with someone the other day made realize that maybe I haven't spent much time discussing my thoughts on the use of pain in our dynamic or exactly how I feel about it.
She, in fact, thought of me as a hard core spanko. Now, I can take my fair share of spankings, but I mainly attribute that to a certain amount of conditioning since they are frequently used in our dynamic. Not that it stops Him, but I really despise any type of pain inflicted on my tits and other girly bits.
But her comment has made me really think about what I am or am not...and I am pretty confused.
The definition of a masochist is someone that derives pleasure from
feeling pain and I've read about plenty of writings in which the writer is trying to find understanding in WHY they find enjoyment in receiving pain. It seems the prevailing opinion is not
to worry about the "why"...just go with the flow and accept it for what it
The problem is...I can't even say that I like pain. Heron tells me there is some aspect there that I like since my body responds favorably.
But am I really a masochist?
I can tolerate all types of pain...hell, I had both my children naturally without the
epidurals or any other medication. But I don't LIKE pain and before D/s I would have considered myself anything but a masochist.
When I really think about it, there are aspects of receiving the pain that I like, but I don't believe it's the pain itself.
To be honest, I am a bit of an attention whore so obviously I love being the center of His attention. Could it be like the old saying...any attention is better than no attention?
I do love and crave the intensity between us that it creates. It doesn't take much before my head is clear and my stress is gone, and once He has pushed me to a certain point, it's like the dam breaks and everything walled up inside comes pouring out in my tears. In those vulnerable moments, the connection and intimacy is undeniable.
Admittedly, His desire to inflict pain runs much deeper than my desire to receive it but I feel a part of myself is complete knowing that I am finally fulfilling a need in Him, a sadistic side that He had buried for a long time because of me.
And the rare occasions, when He
intermixes pain with pleasure does create for an amazingly intense experience!
I am not including punishment in this discussion because that has a whole different end result and I find it in no way enjoyable.
But does all of this truly make me a masochist?
That's what I've been trying to sort out. If not, then why does my body react the way it does? Why does it literally get my juices flowing? Why do I have amazingly intense orgasms afterwards?
Maybe I am just failing to understand the complexities of masochism.
I read something recently to the effect of you don't have to enjoy pain to be a masochist, you only have to crave it. Well I do sometimes crave it, but it's typically a short lived feeling. Because as soon as He
starts, I am usually wishing it would stop. I don't do well with intense or prolonged pain and I don't experience sub-space,,,I am consciously aware of everything going on and I feel every bit of it. There are no floaty feelings for me.
So, am I really craving the pain or is it the connection?
Have I just been conditioned to receive the pain?
A lot of questions...I know.
The only thing I can figure is that I submit to the pain, just like anything else that I have given up control over in our relationship and my body's response to it has more to do with my feelings of submission and His exertion of power over me, not the pain itself.
Maybe I'm talking myself in circles here. I would love to hear your thoughts or experiences.