Much needed relief finally came (haha...pun intended) for me yesterday. Probably not in the way either of us would have preferred but at this point, who's complaining? Certainly not me!
The price of one said orgasm was high and was something I had to determine and offer up on my own.
At the end of the day, I wish I could say that it was all a mind fuck, but I don't believe so. He says I will be held to my promise. Yikes!!
But I assumed that might be the case, which is why I did a lot of soul searching before committing myself to anything.
We haven't discussed the details of how, when, or where just yet. Only that at some point, it will happen. It's kind of hard to set a time frame on something like this. Some of it will depend on opportunity.
Will it push both of our limits?
Absolutely! Probably more than anything thus far. More so even than the experience I wrote about in The Note, The Knock, and The Slut. When I wrote about being on display and servicing another man, it provoked a lot of talk and reflection about limits. What I have committed to now, will probably do the same.
Is it something I want?
Yes and no. He knows this is something I want to experience, yet at the same time I don't...if that makes sense.
Yes, I like the idea of it. In fantasy, it is an extreme turn on. In reality, we both think ultimately I will enjoy it.
But I am a chicken shit. So, in that regard I am always perfectly comfortable limiting my own experiences and saying I don't want it. Also, I would feel more comfortable if He was going to be a participant, but I know going into it that He won't, except overseeing for my safety.
Is it something I need?
I say NO...He says YES. It's important to continue pushing my boundaries and that's why He's the Master. He knows my needs better than I know them myself most of the time.
Does He want me to want it or does He want me to be willing to do what He asks?
The answer to this is both even though ultimately, it doesn't matter. If it's something He wants me to do, I will.
That being said, it's more enjoyable for Him to know that I also want to do it.
But I think it's most pleasing for Him to know that it is something I am willing to do, not because He has forced me to bend to His will but because He has forced me to accept the deepest darkest part of myself that actually wants to do it.
By the way...thank you for your recent comments that lead to some of the thoughts in this post as well as the title. You know who you are ;-)