Tethered

I can't even begin to tell you how cold our first November weekend has been down here in the south.  Last weekend we were wearing shorts, this weekend, coats and scarves.  It is certainly safe to say, I am not ready for winter.

Despite the cold, last night Heron and I headed out for a quiet dinner alone.  He had instructed me to bring my little spiral notebook.  This notebook is actually supposed to be in my purse and with me all the time anyways.  It's sole purpose is to write any assignments He may have for me or any temporary rules/expectations.  These rarely go on my official list of rules but are in effect until He decides otherwise.

So after dinner, He asked me to pull out my notebook as He had some new rules for me.  As He listed them one by one, my heart started to sink and I could feel myself already fighting mentally at the thought of being back into such a state of control.  I know things have become relaxed but once I get used to that, it's really hard getting back in that frame of mind so quickly and abruptly.

Funny, he made the reference to us being "out of kilter" and we needed to put focus back on structure.  Thinking that He was making some reference to my last blog post and assuming all this new rule making was somehow my doing, I kind of scoffed and said oh, you must have read my post.  Actually, come to find out...he hadn't.  Hmmm, well at least our minds still think alike.

Nevertheless, I understand and appreciate His efforts to put our focus back on each other and the dynamic.  It's so easy with the day-to-day demands to make excuses for inconsistency and complacency.

So wish me luck...I see a bumpy ride for myself and lots of opportunity for mistakes until I get my head wrapped around it all.

Quiet Places

Why is it that the quiet leads me to an uncomfortable place? 

Maybe I have come to recognize a pattern..

There are plenty of times when words fail me.  I grow quiet not only here on my blog but also in the rest of my life.  Usually, it's busy schedules or a feeling that whatever is going isn't all that newsworthy, or some combination of both.  Whatever the reason though, I am realizing these are the  times when so much needs to be said. 

You see, the mind plays tricks, leading me to believe, when passivity in our dynamic takes over...it's OK...that I am OK.  But that's really not so.

He is quite honest in admitting that He doesn't always like to hear what I am feeling. Not because He is insensitive or doesn't have a desire or need to know, but because it forces Him to look towards Himself and analyze how He may also be faltering. This plays a huge huge role into my tendency to shy away, relegating myself to that quiet spot, and fight the need to face and share my pesky emotions. He is burdened enough and I try hard not to add to that.

Of course it doesn't help knowing that His solution is pretty much always NOT going to be what I had in mind. I am sure you know what I mean.

But, eventually, whatever is bothering me, all comes dribbling out anyway, much as it did the other day.

The threat of training, as I wrote about here, had yet to materialize, really through no fault of His own.  But the overall lack of attention the last few months had really begun to shake my self confidence, leaving me feeling...well not only vulnerable but undesired. 

Now, I should know without a doubt that isn't the case but my brain had run amok while left in the quiet too long.

So, after finally opening up and talking to Daddy (which I will explain the name change in my next post) over the weekend, He decided we had much work ahead to break the cycle of complacency and the first step was His reinstatement of higher protocol.     

Wow...was Monday a tough adjustment, but very much needed for both of us!! 

However, I would like to point out that Daddy's tendencies towards the "ALL OR NOTHING" principle can be a bit exasperating.

That's all I have time for now, but plenty to catch up in the next post or two.

Mending Fences

It kind of goes without saying that this has been a week of reflection for us both.  We have spent quite a bit of time just being...relaxing together, catching up on the new show True Detective and talking about things a little at a time.

It upsets me that recent events threatened to unravel the fabric of our dynamic, but sometimes as unsettling as it can be, re-evaluation is necessary and in the end, hopefully helps us both to grow.

The issue was servicing others or being "loaned out" and it's not something I take lightly. I constantly struggle with the idea of it and always worry about any risks that could be introduced into our marriage and cause permanent damage.  While I had done it once in the past and did enjoy the experience, this time, the circumstances felt all wrong. I think He realizes that now as well.  Had I respectfully expressed my concerns at the time, He would have understood and agreed.  

Now, I don't consider myself at all bratty. He would never tolerate that. However, I admit to requiring a bit of affection and attention along with A LOT of reassurance.  Without proper attention given to the maintenance of our dynamic, the lack of intimacy and connection over the past few months have left me frustrated and feeling neglected, only working to steadily fuel my self-doubt and insecurities.  Rather than talk to Him about these issues, I withdrew into myself, hoping not to burden Him further.

I knew the moment He issued the order, I was far from the appropriate headspace and following through might very well have put my mental state in jeopardy.  Besides being angry, my first thought was he's too busy to want or need me for Himself so He is casting me aside and sending me elsewhere.   I needed Him and the security only He could provide me, not to be given away.

So, where are we now?

We know this isn't something that we want to give up.  It's not just something we do, it's who we are now.  We haven't been able to go about our days without feeling like something was just...missing.
 
He is determined to make more time for us so that our dynamic is fed and maintained because I need to feel His ownership.  It wouldn't be fair to expect me to meet all His needs, if I am left feeling that mine are not being met. 

We have discussed the issues I have with expectations of servicing other men and while I am not completely off the hook, He has offered me a reasonable compromise.

At this point, the ball is in my court.  The choice...whether I will accept the terms of my surrender with the understanding that if I disobey again, it will most definitely be the end of the dynamic.

 
Oh but there will be a little matter of punishment that I am due. Yikes...scary thinking how bad it's going to be, given that I stand accused of committing the cardinal sin in His book!

Decisions...decisions 

                

Contracts, Rules, and Slave Training...Is it Necessary

I have done quite a bit of reading on a certain kinky social networking site and can certainly appreciate that everyone has a different perspective and methods for achieving success in their D/s dynamic.

Are contracts, rules, and formalized training really necessary?  Some people say yes, some say no, and some are very adamant in their feelings one way or the other.  Myself...I wholeheartedly believe that having these as part of our life has been one of the keys to our success so far.  Everyone learns differently.  I just happen to be a very analytical person that needs to see and have all the details laid out in front of me. This is what works for me and my relationship and is in no way to imply that one side is right or wrong.   
 
Contracts and Rules

 

After telling my Master I wanted to submit to Him, He did quite a bit of research and proposed a contract.  Initially, I thought this was very silly.  It's not like we were strangers...why did we need a piece of paper to guide us?  Me...being the impatient person I tend to be, was anxious and just wanted to get started with the spankings already!  But I humored Him anyways.

I actually was really surprised to see how serious this was to Him.  He drafted a document, presented it to me, and gave me a week to decide if I was in or not.  Looking over it, I was a bit in shock.  Apparently, I had very little knowledge of what submitting in a 24/7 dynamic really meant.  This document would serve to redefine our relationship, expectations of each other, and our actions moving forward.  The part that scared me the most was that it was binding for a year, unless of course my Master chose to end it. 

 

     Some of the items included within our contract are:

 

     - Purpose and Duration
 

     - Submissive and Master Affirmations, Commitments, and Roles
 

     - Rules of Privacy and Discretion
 

     - Rules of Conduct (Public, Private, and at Work)
 

     - Limits and Needs of the Submissive

 

     - Signatures

 

     There are also 3 appendices:

 

      - GeneralRules- conduct, chores (household and sexual), and personal appearance

 

       - Punishable offenses and types of punishments that can be used

 

       - Positions (liste with detailed descriptions) I am required to know

 

                *Note about rules: we started with just a few and it grew from there over time

 

Believe me, I read long and hard and took my time deciding before putting pen to paper and signing myself to Him.  I started to see how living this 24/7 was going to be a huge responsibility for both Master and slave and would not be something that we should enter into lightly.
 

Now looking back, this was probably one of the most important preliminary steps we took.  I can never say that I didn't know what I was in for but most importantly, it served as my compass at times when I felt I was losing my way or wanted to give up.  Even though it isn't legally binding, I had signed this document, with my heart, and I didn't want to fail in my commitment to Him.  Taking it one day at a time, almost a year has passed since our signing.  Are there ups and downs?  Of course, but I am amazed how far I have come.  I am looking forward to our upcoming contract renewal and have no doubt that we are on the right course!!

Slave Training

 

It seems there may be a misconception among some that slave training is similar to that of teaching a dog to sit and fetch. Training, to me, is so much more than that. Admittedly, it has been slow going with work, crazy schedules, and kids but it has been an important part of the process for us. Since we spent almost 20 years interacting with each other in a certain way, these old habits needed to change as much for me as my Master. Not only does He have so much to teach me about how to serve, to guide me in working past my boundaries, He has had to learn to balance his role as Master and Husband. Many times, the soft husband side of Him wants to take over when I actually need to be pushed harder. Training is sometimes intense with discipline for every mistake, but at times it is just light hearted, fun, and a time spent together building our connection.

      Some of the components Master has included in my training:

     -Position training-practicing and perfecting each

     -Pain Conditioning and overall body conditioning/endurance

     -Sexual Training-prolonged sexual sessions, multiple penetrations, etc

     -Orgasm Control and Denial

     -Cock worship training

     -Humiliation training

Not only is training meant to teach me exactly how to please Him, but it is also a preparation for me before venturing out into a more public arena. I want to ensure that my actions make Him proud at all times.

           

No Bra or Panties!

Yesterday turned out to be a typical hectic Monday in our house so Master and I didn’t have too much time together for training.  He did go over his expectations of me going forward, my roles as personal assistant, entertainer/hostess, waitress, chamber maid, and sex slave, as well as some new rules and protocols.  A few things I learned were how to greet Him, how to enter and exit a room in His presence, and how to walk with Him in public.  However, the most immediate and drastic change being my work attire.  He discussed this new rule with me on Sunday night because he expected it to be implemented first thing on Monday.  I am to lay out my outfit each night for His approval and adhere to the following conditions when making my clothing selection:

(1) Skirts or dresses only, unless permission is granted otherwise for work conditions that day

(2) No bra and panties allowed

(3)Only thigh highs and garters allowed if I wear stockings

(4) Any outfit changes through the day must be communicated for approval and must adhere to the previous conditions. 

My first thought was “Wow…I am going to need a lot more skirts!”  As is the case with most females, I never turn down the chance to go shoppingJ

At first, I will admit, I was not a big fan of the no bra and panty rule at work because we had previously agreed this was an area that was off limits.  But I am finding as Master pushes boundaries, limits seem to become more flexible.  So, I complied as long as there was no risk to my position within the company.  It tends to be pretty cold in my office and cold or not, my nipples ALWAYS stay on high beams which could pose a problem around my employees.  Thankfully, Master agreed to let me wear a little something to cover my shirt if necessary.  Now the panty situation felt extremely awkward at first, mostly because my pussy was still swollen and sensitive from my weekend assignment which was masturbate to orgasm 11 times.  Let me just say it's a good thing I enjoyed it because I think that's all I will be getting for a while!  Anyways, I was on my feet all day and all I could think about was that I didn't have panties on.  Now today, I was still acutely aware of my exposed pussy being just underneath my skirt, but it seemed more comfortable, natural, and even stimulating.  As I moved, my inner thighs would gently brush across my lips and these thoughts started running through my head about just how easily accessible my pussy would be...

Oh, I better calm myself down a bit.  Did I mention how much easier it makes going to the bathroom?

So all in all...I think it was a good and easy start.  Now, I am off for tonight's position training!