Reading Between the Lines

The kids are out on Spring Break this week, so we made the long drive down to Florida last night.  This isn't going to be a long trip but hey...we are at the beach and I do have the whole week off work. YAY!!

Not being able to sleep late sure has it's advantages.  This morning, I snuck out of the room and sat  in the hotel breakfast area typing while everyone else kept snoozing away.  Me, my coffee, and my laptop is a nice way to start the day.  

So yesterday, we got a late start on our drive because I wanted to attend the local kinky book club meeting.  With our hectic schedules, it's not often that I get the opportunity to get out.  But being that I am much more of a social person, Heron is very generous and actually encourages me to engage in community events as often as possible.

The book for this month was a good one, a short and easy read I might say. And given some of the discussions we have had about my being used by others, I was quickly sucked into the plot when the main female character was loaned out by her owner to a friend for a week.

I purchased the digital copy and then was able to read the 2 sequels for free.

The Gift (or also called The Seven Day Loan) by Tiffany Reisz
http://www.tiffanyreisz.com/the-gift-seven-day-loan

Part 2 (free sequel)
http://www.tiffanyreisz.com/daniel-part-two

Part 3 (free sequel)
http://www.tiffanyreisz.com/a-christmas-maggie

I enjoyed this series. But what I really enjoy is getting together to discuss the books afterwards with like-minded people.  A handful of us met at a cute trendy restaurant in town and while we all come from different walks of the lifestyle, it's a great opportunity to share our own lifestyles without judgment.

At the meeting, I had the honor meeting an extremely intelligent and very nice woman who was  intrigued by the details of mine and Heron's dynamic.  Trying to wrap her head around the M/s aspect of our relationship, she had so many great questions and I enjoyed explained how our life works. 

The only problem is sometimes my brain doesn't work as fast on the spot as I would like it to.  I do much better once I've had a chance to reflect on questions and then I feel like I can do more justice to the explanation and maybe get more to the root of what someone was asking in the first place.

So one of her questions had to do with "who really had the control?"  And I can see where her question comes from. On one hand, I say that I gave up all control. But to someone on the outside, it may appear that I still have many elements of control in our marriage.

First and foremost I should have explained that I control the things He wishes for me to control and I acknowledge that He could take that away at any time.  Also,  I wouldn't assume control over something without His explicit direction.  It's impossible for Him to deal with everything in our life and He knows where my strengths are so He uses that to His advantage. This is a big difference from how we used to live.  I either took control of everything, or felt like I had to, causing a huge amount of frustration and undue stress on both of us.  Now, I clearly understand the parts of our life that He wants me to handle versus what parts He would prefer to handle.   

There are rules and expectations for my behavior which come into play here also.  I understand what He expects of me at all times and when I am tasked to do something, even if I am having to make decisions, He can trust that I am making the choice He would approve of.  If I am unsure of what He would want, I simply ask.  Instead of thinking how I want things done, now when a situation arises, there are a couple of things that come to my mind first.  What would He expect me to do? Or What would please Him?  In my opinion, this was the key to moving in sync through life and eliminating so much of the friction we had battled for years. 

Of course, we always have mutual discussions about major decisions.  He appreciates my opinion because many times I can offer a perspective He hasn't thought of, but at the end of the day, if He doesn't agree with me, He will make the final decision.  

So I guess the way I see it, I may have some control in how things get done, but I don't have the control.   

Question from Anonymous...Vanilla to Full on D/s

The end of March is fast approaching which also means the end of Q & A month but that doesn't mean the questions have to end.  Please feel free to send them anytime.

This one came from anonymous....

Now that you are 2 years into your dynamic, maybe you could describe what the 2 years were like for you 2 prior to committing to be at his service.  Even though you had not resigned yourself that way, did some of your d/s elements still exist?  Did he create scenes for you?  Did you get any punishment for fun?  Did you play with toys and nipple clamps, etc.?  I guess I am trying to get a feel for did you go from very vanilla to a full on d/s relationship one day or was there more of an evolution process where you were seeing some of the d/s benefits without actually committing yourself to that dynamic prior to taking the leap.

Thank you for your question(s).  For those of you that might have missed it, this is a follow up to one that I answered here.

 

This seems like an easy question to answer but it's taken me a while to reflect back on that time in our lives.  I guess as we get older, things in the past all start to run together making it hard to keep the exact time frames accurate.

 

To answer the first part of the question...the only element of D/s that existed well before our dynamic was in the context of BDSM play.  Heron had always wanted control in the bedroom.  He did create scenes over the years that put me in the submissive role and Him the dominant role but I could never embrace it.  There was never any punishment.  We had some toys...fucking machine, dildos, vibrators, rope, cuffs, but no ouchie toys.  It didn't really matter though.  Internally, I fought any form of control He tried to have over me.  Scenes often ended with me in tears and fights between us. If it didn't happen right a way, it usually did a few days later.  

 

I remember one night in particular, probably about 2 years before our dynamic began, give or take a few months.  This night would be the last straw for Him.  After that, He locked that part of Himself away along with the few toys that we had.

 

He blindfolded me before leaving the house and drove me to an unfamiliar place, which turned out to be a mechanical room at His office.  It was after hours so He wasn't worried about anyone seeing us.  I was trying my best to go along with it for Him but I wasn't happy about it at all.  Honestly, I don't know what my issue was except that I wasn't in control of what was happening.

 

With the blindfold still on, He took me in the room, removed all my clothes, and tied me up spread eagle using some of the pipes above my head.  I don't remember what my legs were tied to but I most definitely remember Him sliding the fucking machine between my legs and turning it on.  It was a fairly mild scene, all meant to be pleasurable and it was.  I couldn't stop my body from enjoying it if I had wanted to.  But mentally, I was still fighting it and afterwards, my walls went sky high.  We had the same conversation that had plagued our marriage for years. Why do you need this?

So that was it.  That was when He gave up kink altogether.  Those two years were SO. VERY. VANILLA and it was obvious after a while that neither of us were getting our needs met.  The sex was good, just not very often and lacking intensity.  Blowjobs had never been something I enjoyed so those were once a month, if that.  

 

Really, it felt like we were roommates or very good friends.  No doubt we loved each other immensely, and we got along just fine but there was a fire in Him that I had done my best to extinguish.  I could see it...I could feel it.  

 

As a consolation, I tried to offer some kinky play from time to time.  There weren't many things I liked but I did like the hand spanking during sex, if I was in the mood and in control of offering it.  But He said that wasn't how it worked for Him, which usually caused more fights because I just couldn't understand what He meant by that. I took it to be some form of manipulation. But in reality, to keep the "beast" at bay, He had to keep it under lock and key at all times.  

So we existed...until I was ready.  Submission wasn't something He could force from me. I had alot of things in my past to work through first before I could be ready.  I also had a lot of social conditioning to work through.  I had been taught that allowing a man to have control was weakness. 

 

To answer the last part of your question about going from vanilla to complete D/s...I guess we kind of did.  Even though we had dabbled in BDSM through the years, that two years prior, we were completely vanilla.  And at the point that I told Him I was ready, He required my complete commitment to the D/s dynamic or He wasn't willing to open Himself up to the kind of hurt and rejection I had put Him through so many times.    

   

Q & A: After Two Years and Do We Play With Others

Thank you guys for these questions. Feel free to keep them coming.

From DtBHC:

A two part question for you or both of you if H wants to respond.

After two years into this new dynamic in your relationship did you think you would be where you are now? And secondly where do you see yourself in another two years? 

Given that I was really just learning about the lifestyle, I don't think I knew enough when we started  to create a vision.  I didn't really think in terms of where the road would lead, just that He was setting the pace and direction.  Unfortunately, the one thing I was sure of...is that I would fail.  Not just in the little things.  I really believed that I would fail completely and want out of the dynamic all together.  So in that respect, we are not at all where I thought we would be.  And not that our dynamic is easy to maintain at all and I do fail at times, but I am surprised by how it's fallen into place for us and feels so natural. 

It's hard to say where we will be in two years.  The constraints of still having kids in the house certainly keeps things from extending too far past our current existence.  I would love to be able to meet the right woman and develop a relationship, possibly introducing her into our relationship in some fashion.  I don't know how serious Heron is but he has mentioned in passing about the possibility of training another sub and I would be lying if I didn't admit that the idea of it intrigues me and turns me on.  But I think we are far from making something like that happen.  I'm sure he would love to explore other aspects of sharing me but all of these types of things just boil down to right time, right place, and right person.  And I think we both OK with it happening or not happening.    
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From Sub Hub in Phoenix:
 
Who are the people in your regular life (outside bloggland) that know the intimate details of your relationship with your husband? Do you play with others, and if so who and in what capacity.

Well, I have had the opportunity to attend some local events and meet some people within the lifestyle so they know about our dynamic. Heron's good friend knows and participated in a scene with us. I wrote about that a little while back.  And I've mentioned that our 18 year old is becoming privy to some of our kinkery and has an idea that our marriage may have some power exchange but obviously doesn't know the extent or details.  Outside of that, no one in our vanilla world knows.  

We have not played with others, unless you count the experience with Heron's friend.  I guess one of the big limiting factors in this regard is that while I have attended some local events, we are just not really involved in the  community on a regular basis.  As I said in my answer to DtBHC, I'm sure this is an area Heron would want to explore further. However, His interest lies mostly in my servicing or being used by others.  There are a couple different scenarios that particularly interest Him but those are big steps...steps that He considers very seriously. So, that is something He may choose to explore if and when an opportunity presents itself, but only if the timing and situation is absolutely right.

Q & A: Balancing Work and Service

After posting a comment over on Pearl Necklace's blog at Happily Surrendered and Submissive, she asked me a question in return.  In the spirit of March Q & A, she was kind enough to let me post her question here.
 
Pearl's question was…How do you balance your work and service to Heron?

Work is something that has always been important to me.  After watching my mother suffer in an unhappy marriage for many years more than she should have, I knew from a young age that it was imperative for me to have the capability to be independent.

About five years ago, I finally reached the position within my organization that I had been striving for and wow...did the stress consume me.  It was a tough transition that lasted over a year and had we been involved in the dynamic at the time, I honestly don't know how I would have fared.  Luckily, I’ve adapted and things are much more settled in my work life but balancing the two parts of my life was still a challenge.

So here are some things that I find help me keep the balance...

1) Learning to leave work at work - For so long, I thought that the world would stop turning if I wasn't constantly on top of every little things whether I was on the clock or not.  I also brought home each and every stress of the day.  I realize this is dependent on the nature of the job, but if you can, completely separate yourself from the job when you walk out the door at the end of the day. We are expected not to bring home life troubles into the workplace, so flip that around the other way and don't bring work life troubles home.  As soon as I get in the car, my focus is already shifting to Heron and my family.  I am to call Him on my way home and this begins the process of resetting.  It also gives Him a chance to really judge what kind of day I have had.  

2) Having a routine - I am fortunate to have a great schedule.  I work 7:30- 4:30 which still leaves me plenty of time in the day.  Although I do have some domestic expectations through the week, Heron keeps those tasks fairly routine so that I am not overwhelmed.  He may ask me to take care of few extra things now and then but for the most part, because we both work, He is quite helpful.  One thing that helps is I plan our weekly menu on the weekends and we do all the grocery shopping on Sundays.  This allows me to immediately start on dinner when I get home each day.  Because I view cooking as part of my service to Him, it quickly puts me in my submissive space and no longer seems a chore like it once was.  I find enjoyment in having His food ready when He gets home and earning His approval for a good meal.  This whole routine sets the mood for the rest of the evening which is usually taken up dealing with sports, homework, and bedtimes.  And while sexual service is probably not at the level He would prefer during the week, we do what we can and try not to stress about those days when life is just too busy. There is always another day.  One thing I found is that even in the busy times or the times He doesn't hold me as accountable, it's helpful to continue doing the little things that are part of my routine.  They are reminders of my service to Him.    

3) Even though I have very different responsibilities at work and home, I am still the same person - I no longer view myself as having to juggle 2 different lives or parts of myself.  Yes, I am the leader at work and maybe I have different roles but ultimately, I am providing a service to my employer and my employees.  I am taking care and seeing that my department runs smoothly and that my employees have what they need to do their job effectively, which isn't so different than the service I provide at home.  It's all about perspective. We, as women, tend to wear many different hats, whether it is wife, submissive, mother, daughter, care-taker, employee, employer, etc.  I like to think that no matter what hat I am wearing, I am still the same person underneath.   Another thought I had on this is that I have let some of the positive attributes of my submission bridge the gap and flow over into my work which also helps keep the balance.  For example, becoming a better communicator and listener has not only improved my submission at home but it has made me a stronger leader at work.

4) Ask for help - This one can be hard for us women but I had to give myself permission not to be superwoman.  I started listening when Heron told me to take a break or go to bed early. It's impossible to do it all so don't be afraid to accept or ask for help.  We figured out what our priorities were during the week and use the weekends to catch up on the rest.  This keeps me from being completely exhausted every single night should He want to squeeze in a small scene.  This may or may not translate in my blog posts but most sexual service during the week is in the form of my orally pleasuring Him.  The majority of our "play" is reserved for the weekends. 

5) Having time for myself - Usually easier said than done I know, but Heron requires it.  It's amazing how refreshed I feel to just have some time to walk, read, or whatever else it is that allows me to regroup.  It's important that I give the best of myself both to my work and to Him, but I can't continue to do that if I'm not also taking care of me.   

Thank you Pearl for giving me an opportunity to answer such a great question!

What's Love Got to Do With It

It seems that I am only four days behind in getting my March Q & A Month started, so first things first.

Heron and I want to invite any and all questions from our readers, even those of you that prefer to follow along silently or remain anonymous.  If you don't feel comfortable posting comments here on the blog, please send me a personal message. I will be sure to keep your identity confidential when I post my response.

So...what the heck...I'm going to go ahead and kick off things off with a question I received from appy in response to one of my recent posts.  It wasn't officially part of the Q & A but it was a such great question that it even inspired Heron to answer, which is such a rarity that I wanted to repost for anyone who might have missed it.


Can you understand why it makes H happy to give you so much pain? I think when you love somebody you want to give her pleasure, not pain. I hope you or H will explain it to me.


It's an interesting question. From a psychological perspective, I'm sure theories abound on why I am the way I am. I, however, will not psychoanalyze myself.

I do what I do merely because I am wired that way.

My love for littlegirl is all encompassing...I would die for her without hesitation. My love is not...is never...in question. She knows this. Which is why she submits her body to me - My own personal canvas.

To ask why I am the way I am, would be to ask why two men view a guitar in different lights. One picks it up and begins to strum a classical piece and the other just wants to hear the fucker scream.

Because of what I do, I must pay very close attention to her body. Her breathing patterns, every gasp and moan, her arousal (and yes it does happen), every bead of sweat, all mean something. They are the notes that I play and sometimes I just want to hear it scream.

Her pain feeds the beast inside. It also arouses her so, but I very much aware of her limits. I am aroused by pushing her, teasing her and testing her.

It is presumptuous at best to say that what I do, I view it as art. But humor me for a moment.

My wife can attest that I pay just as much attention to setting up the scene. Things must be framed just so, the lighting just right, the right music in the background. Her response is very much a part of my scene. The wrong response (when I've pushed too far) is not what I'm looking for.

Going back to the idea of the canvas. Her body is mine...my own personal canvas.

I paint the only way I know how.

_Heron_

  

Motivation: In Response to DtBHC

Don't know how many of you reading this are down here in the South, but we are on our second round of snow in just as many days.  Thankfully, school was already cancelled and I was released early from work so there wasn't a repeat of last year's nightmare with people stranded all over the city but I didn't feel completed at ease until Heron was able to leave work and join us here at home. 

Unfortunately, I am nursing yet another cold.  This one, thanks to Heron.  It's the gift that just keeps giving! So, hopefully I can keep this post on track despite my stuffy head.

Anyways, on to other things...

I want to thank DtBHC for his honesty in the following comment on my last post, Saddle Sore. I'm sure it's quite possible other people have had similar thoughts and after starting to type out a long reply, I thought perhaps it was better to just create a post.

Hi lg, I sometimes want to ask you the same question. Not judging in any way but trying to understand your journey and what motivates you to further your submission. Reading your posts triggers some strong feelings which I find difficult to process. I'm sure that I would fail if I was to be taken down this path. It's not likely to ever happen but I am fascinated by your journey.


Without knowing exactly which part triggers these strong feelings, I am going to try my best to explain my journey and what motivates me to further my submission.  Feel free to elaborate if I have made any wrong assumptions in the direction  your comment.

First of all, I am a consensual slave.  I made a commitment to do as He asks, whenever and wherever.  Of course, this takes a huge amount of trust to know that while pushing my boundaries, He will never push me farther than I can handle.  He has spent years learning my body and my body signals, and He knows exactly where my physical and mental threshold is.  He also understands that this threshold changes based on my hormones, stress, fatigue, and any numerous other outside influences.
   
In His vision of M/s, my purpose and focus should be ensuring His pleasure.  He is not, in turn, required to ensure mine.  My pleasure comes in serving Him.  He sometimes plans scenes that are specifically geared towards enforcing this very principle.  And I emphasize that this is "His vision" of M/s because everyone has their own way, none of which we believe are right or wrong

In the beginning, our dynamic was very much a punishment based system.  I was trained to serve Him in the ways that He expected and failure was met with a very swift negative reinforcement.  I get that some people don't like the idea of this.  But it's what worked for us.  I admit, it was what was needed to break so many of my disrespectful habits and years of conditioning.  And yes, I tried harder because I feared failure and punishment. 

Eventually, as I grew in my submission and transitioned from the mindset of "what will I get our of this", He transitioned to more of a positive reinforcement dynamic and that's when I truly began to thrive. Fear of failure no longer drove me to improve in my service.  Wanting to please Him did.

However, I admit, there are times when I have trouble processing things.  Usually it is only when my desires and expectations are getting the better of me.  It's something I continue to work on.  In fact, the morning that I cried all the way to work was the morning after the horse and extra long cock worship session.  In that moment, I felt like how much more can I give?  

So yeah...if I feel like this on occasion, that probably comes out in my writing when I am recounting a scene.   And questions like "what motivates you in  you submission"...I've had to ask myself frequently.

I'm not a masochist so it's not about getting off on pain.  

And I am quite frankly denied sex quite a bit so it can't be about the sex.

The simple answer is and the one that applies probably 90% of the time is that I have found so much love and contentment in serving Him.  

It took me a long time to get to that point though.  I had always loved serving Him outside the bedroom.  It was in the bedroom I had major control issues and feared His sexual appetite, but mostly I feared His sadistic needs.  For years, I forced His desires into an imaginary closet.  To top it off, I worked pretty damn hard to make Him feel like a freak for having such needs.  He loved me despite it all but it was obvious neither of us was completely happy or fulfilled. 

Our journey has been filled with plenty of bumps and bends in the road and I have failed more times than I can count.  But I've learned that this journey isn't about successes or failures.  This journey is about staying engaged and in tune with each other, always trying to give the other our best.  I don't always enjoy what He chooses to do to me (or not do to me) but it was trust and respect that allowed me to give myself over to Him and it's what allows me to continue doing so. Trust is also what helped created a completely different energy and connection in our marriage.    

Overall, I think by living within the confines of His expectations, I have become a better person.  Patience is definitely having to become one of my virtues. And I think it's made Him a stronger,  more confident person.

So what keeps me motivated the other 10% of the time that I don't find my cup running over with happiness just doing what I am supposed to be doing?  Well, then it's just a matter of being obedient.

Again, thank you for you thoughts and comment DtBHC!  I'm glad to know that my journey fascinates you:)

A Question of Title

I don't know how many others have experienced this, or how many people knew this about me, but I had such a hard time in the beginning referring to my husband as Master.  It was one of the most uncomfortable things I have ever had to make myself say.  Later, when He insisted on me calling Him Daddy, well that certainly didn't come any easier, probably harder in all honesty.  

I'm so glad one of my readers asked me about this the other day. He explained that his sub was very shy about calling him Master and he was wondering if I had ever felt this way.  This is absolutely something I can relate to and his question made me really stop and think about the reason why.

First off, as a child, I wasn't raised to use a names of respect such as Sir or Ma'am for anyone.  There were times my father would command me to call him Sir, but that was only when He was in a foul mood or mad at me. So...like any normal kid, I was pretty much like efff that! The way I looked at it, he had done little as a father to earn my respect and Sir WAS NOT coming out of my mouth just because he wanted to put me in my place at that particular moment.

So, I know for me, respect plays a big part. 

However, I think the biggest hurdle I had to overcome was that verbal acknowledgement of having a lower status. It was one thing for Him dominate me, humiliate me, and even say it himself but it was another for me to set my pride aside and say it myself.  

So what finally made it easier?

Well mostly writing it here in my blog.  Being forced to say it over and over again in the bedroom, when I was most vulnerable and pliable. also helped.  And really, I had called Him by His name or some other term of endearment for 20 years.  So learning to call Him something different just took time.  

Outside the bedroom though...He just isn't one to be overly concerned with titles. 

Thank you for the question!

Voicing Opinions

In response to my recent post Lazy Days and Questions, one reader asked:

My question is about the second part of your post. In your relationship as Husband/wife, to what extent are you allowed to voice your opinion as a spouse and not as a sub (even if it opposite to his)?

This is a really good question and I actually sat down and talked with Heron about his perspective on this question before I answered just to make sure that my take on it is correct.


So, we kind of boiled it down to a few key issues: sex, money, and kids.  These tend to be the most common areas of disagreement between married couples, right?

We never so much fought about money, mainly stressed over it, but we did have our fair share of arguments about sex and the kids.

Do I get to voice my opinion as a spouse?  Absolutely!  I am always free to voice my opinion...always have been free to.  Except maybe when it comes to sex now.  Well, even that, I can voice my opinion...but I just don't think my opinion matters much in that regard. 

Overall, He values my what I think and tells me all the time how smart and perceptive I am.  Whether we live in a D/s dynamic or not, we are still life partners and want what's best for each other and our family. 

However, what being submissive has taught me is there is always a time, place, and manner in which to express said opinions.  Loudly, disrespectfully, or perhaps in front of others, is not going to be in my best interest. My tone and style of communication is altogether different...all the time. 

For example, with the kids, I may not agree with how He has chosen to deal with something.  Used to be, I would have gotten really fired up about it and quite possibly "called Him down" in front of them, undermining His authority.  I might have even been right in what I was saying but my MO was horrible.  I see that now.  If I have an issue, I wait and discuss it with Him privately afterwards.  I may bite my tongue off in the process but because I am not approaching it aggressively, there is no need for Him to get defensive. Therefore, He actually listens to what I am saying and is much more likely to see and agree with my viewpoint.

With money, even though He manages the finances, we always discuss budget and big purchase items.  Could He buy that nice new boat He is dying to have?  Sure.  He doesn't require my permission to do that but we discuss all major decisions and He respects what I feel may or may not be in the best interest of our family. 

Sometimes my input gives Him a different perspective, sometimes I am His sounding board, and sometimes my words speak to His conscience. 

So yes, I am free to speak my opinion, even when it differs from His.  But I no longer see a distinction between speaking to Him as a wife or a sub. 

I am always His wife...I am always His submissive. 

And weighing my words isn't even a conscious decision I make anymore, it's just something that happens.. 

Not saying that I don't get angry or upset sometimes, but there isn't a timeout, so to speak, where I am granted the freedom to say what I want, however I want.  For the sake of keeping communication constructive, I always stay respectful.  And arguing...well, no matter what the situation, that just isn't going to happen.  

I admit though, if I am guilty of anything, it may be stating my opinion one too many times if I feel my point isn't getting across.  In that case, He'll give me the "That's enough!" and I know it's time to cool it. 

Thank you, Charlie for the question!  

Who Can You Talk To?

Thank you to one of my readers for sending me some questions to write about.  My motivation to write lately has been in the toilet as I have been spending an over abundance of time researching and implementing a paleo diet for the family.  Well, truthfully, it's mostly for Heron and I.  The kids get to still eat of some of the stuff they like.  But overall, it takes ALOT of work.  Maybe I will post more about it later.

Anyways, this reader was curious about our dynamic in the company of others.    

Well, the short version is that we are almost always in the company of others but mainly family, neighbors, or other parents at soccer events so our dynamic is pretty well discrete.  There may be certain things between us that only we know the meaning but mostly no one would catch on. It could be as simple as wearing my hair a particular way, waiting for him to begin eating first, or walking just slightly behind him.  Regardless of who is around, I always stop what I am doing and greet him.  When speaking to him, or about him, it's always respectful.  Yes, it's possible that someone could pick up on the hints of power exchange between us, but I'm not overly concerned about it because hopefully it just comes off as me being a loving and attentive wife.

Is there any element of D/s when you two go out with another couple?

We have never been much for going out with other couples.  Unfortunately, both of us kind of lost our youths early and because of that, didn't maintain many friendships into adulthood. There have been times through the years it has really bothered me...that we didn't have a group of friends to hang out with, go to dinners or get our families together for cookouts.

We did meet a couple through FL about a year ago and have gone out with them several times.  Even though they are fully aware of our dynamic and are very accepting, they are not in the dynamic themselves, so we have felt it best to keep it low-key in front of them so as to not place them in any uncomfortable situations, other than maybe Him ordering for me. 

Are any of his friends aware of the dynamic? Are any of yours?

I am going to assume that this question is referring to friends outside of the lifestyle. 

Heron does have one friend that knows and has shared quite a bit about our dynamic with him.  In fact, when I first started my blog, Heron gave him the address and he has been keeping up with it since!

I, on the other hand, really don't have any friends that I consider close enough to share this part of my life. I lost touch, way back when with all my friends from school and even though there have been several good friends since then, they have all come and gone out of my life for one reason or another.  As a manager, I am not afforded the ability to make friends and confide in anyone at work.  For the most part, my circle of girlfriends the past decade or so has been the moms of my daughters friends.  And I find I don't really have much in common with any of them. Plus it tends to get awkward the moment when your kids get into a fight or simply outgrow each other and no longer hang out. So, I tend to now steer away from hanging out with them. My dynamic isn't something I would have ever shared with them anyways because they seem to be a gossipy bunch and I certainly would never want my child judged for my activities.

If my little sister was still here, I suspect I might have shared it with her.  She lived her life pretty wide open and would never have judged me for anything.  Knowing her, she probably would have thought it was pretty cool.  I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss having her to talk to. 

Do you have an external confidant that you can bounce things off of?     

Luckily, I do have a couple of ladies that I have met through the lifestyle.  If I needed to talk about something, they would listen and give me honest feedback from their perspective.  Through my blog, I have also made some online acquaintances, both male and female, which have helped tremendously and they are always just an email away.   

Lazy Days and Questions About Clothing, Marriage, and the Future

Yesterday was a much needed, lazy day. We accomplished absolutely nothing that we had intended...both kinky and non-kinky. But it was nice...and makes me think about a couple questions that have come up recently about our dynamic.

I was out with some fellow kinky ladies one night last week and one of my friends asked about mine and Heron's relationship. I can't remember the exact wording of her question but it was about the husband/wife aspect of our relationship. She wondered if we ever spent time as husband and wife, outside the dynamic, and were my needs being met in that regard.

Also, I had received an email a couple weeks ago from one of my blog readers asking about my clothing requirements. The question was..."When not at work, do you always abide by your rules of always wearing revealing clothing? Is this a hard-line must have for him".

So let me start with the second question first because it is a little more straightforward to answer.

My clothing requirements are very much determined by the situation.  Generally speaking, He likes that I am wearing something somewhat revealing when He gets home but with the kids around, it also has to be kept reasonable,  During the summer it's fairly easy.  Tank tops, sundresses, shorts...all easily meet the no bra and panty expectation without being overtly obvious.  During winter, He is a little more lenient because I am so cold natured and walk around with jackets and sweaters most of the time.     

Now as far as going out, He will tell me if it's the kind of outing that I should be wearing something in particular. (ie. trashy).  But many times, if we are just running out to grab something to eat, He is fine with whatever I am already wearing.  Not every time and every place we go is meant to be a test of my exhibitionism.  Sometimes, He just wants to take me out to spend time together, nothing more.  The key is not to assume.  IF I am in doubt, I will ask if what I am wearing is ok or should I change into something else.     

So, to answer the question...No, it's not a hard-line must have for him every time we go out.

Which brings me to the original question about our husband/wife time together.  I know when writing a blog, much of it sounds so awesomely kinky but the reality of it is, that kink is probably only about 10% of our life, if that.  The D/s is always there, a part of who we have become together, a part of how I view myself, and mostly a part of how I guide myself in thinking and behaviors.  While I am submissive all the time, we are not always engaged in obvious D/s activities.

Now, there are times when the dynamic is more active and stronger than other times, but we are married first and foremost.  And while the D/s has now become woven into the fabric of our marriage, it doesn't define our marriage.  

Yesterday is a great example.  We spent the day together taking a nap, cooking, drinking a night time coffee under the stars, and doing nothing more than snuggling.  Well...ok...there was that afternoon blowjob just before the nap.
 
Are my needs being met as as a wife?

Absolutely and I think more so now than ever before!  Sometimes in my writing, Heron probably comes off as, shall we say, not so nice, and quite frankly during some scenes I haven't thought He was very nice either. But I assure you, He is as equally gentle and romantic as He is sadistic, and quite possibly even more so.  Yes...He sometimes denies me immediate gratification in the physical pleasures that I think are needs, and it aggravates me sometimes, but I realize He does this for a reason and it's always temporary.   

And the tender love making type of sex, well for some reason those are the moments I tend to keep to myself.  I blog about so many aspects of our relationship, I feel like a little part of us should remain private.  But for those of you that might have wondered, we do have those beautiful non-kinky sessions too and they are equally fultilling. I have to admit though, sometimes it catches me off guard and I'm like...is everything OK? Why are you being so nice? LOL

You know, before we ever incorporated this lifestyle into our marriage, we basically "existed".  We were content to function in our own little bubbles, our paths crossing occasionally. But were we happy?  Not really.  I could never shake the feeling that part of me and our life together wasn't being fulfilled.  

Our lives had become so consumed by our kids (and my incessant power struggle over every little thing), we had completely neglected to nurture what brought us together in the first place.  Our love for each other.  I remember wondering so often...would we even like each other when our kids are grown?  Would we even have anything in common?  I couldn't think of anything we liked to do together.  Pretty sad isn't it?

Now, all we crave is MORE time together and genuinely enjoy being in each others company. I think this is the connection we were missing before.  D/s taught us that it can be more...that we can be more.  And all it took was focusing more on us.  We have found so many things that we love doing together.  Get your minds out of the gutter-I was talking about non-kinky things. 

Even though it was a lazy day yesterday, we did manage to get out for a few minutes to run to the grocery store.  We were in the car driving home and I asked Heron what did He think would happen to our dynamic as we grow older.  I worry about that sort of thing.  It has brought us so much closer, what happens as we continue to age and maybe can't indulge in the physical play? Will He be as attentive and happy with me?     

His answer was all I needed to put my mind at rest.

We just enjoy each day for what it is.  And if there comes a point, that all of it has to end, the only thing that I need to be happy...is spending every day with you.

And He was concerned that He said something wrong when I started to cry!

My Master's Point of View

Master and I have done some talking lately about the direction of my blog and He asked me to write this post today.  He intends to begin making occasional posts which I am so excited about not only because He is an amazing writer but I love to hear things from His perspective.

For the most part, He is very a quiet person, a man of very few words.  You probably haven't even seen Him comment here.  So, getting such a rare, personal peek into His mind is quite humbling to me. 

I think He already has some ideas of things He would like to share but feel free to suggest topics or ask questions about anything you that may be interesting in hearing about from His point of view.

So, I would like to introduce you all to my Master.  Feel free to refer to Him as Heron.