Don't know how many of you reading this are down here in the South, but we are on our second round of snow in just as many days. Thankfully, school was already cancelled and I was released early from work so there wasn't a repeat of last year's nightmare with people stranded all over the city but I didn't feel completed at ease until Heron was able to leave work and join us here at home.
Unfortunately, I am nursing yet another cold. This one, thanks to Heron. It's the gift that just keeps giving! So, hopefully I can keep this post on track despite my stuffy head.
Anyways, on to other things...
I want to thank DtBHC for his honesty in the following comment on my last post, Saddle Sore. I'm sure it's quite possible other people have had similar thoughts and after starting to type out a long reply, I thought perhaps it was better to just create a post.
Hi lg, I sometimes want to ask you the same question. Not judging in any
way but trying to understand your journey and what motivates you to
further your submission. Reading your posts triggers some strong
feelings which I find difficult to process. I'm sure that I would fail
if I was to be taken down this path. It's not likely to ever happen but I
am fascinated by your journey.
Without knowing exactly which part triggers these strong feelings, I am going to try my best to explain my journey and what motivates me to further my submission. Feel free to elaborate if I have made any wrong assumptions in the direction your comment.
First of all, I am a consensual slave. I made a commitment to do as He asks, whenever and wherever. Of course, this takes a huge amount of trust to know that while pushing my boundaries, He will never push me farther than I can handle. He has spent years learning my body and my body signals, and He knows exactly where my physical and mental threshold is. He also understands that this threshold changes based on my hormones, stress, fatigue, and any numerous other outside influences.
In His vision of M/s, my purpose and focus should be ensuring His pleasure. He is not, in turn, required to ensure mine. My pleasure comes in serving Him. He sometimes plans scenes that are specifically geared towards enforcing this very principle. And I emphasize that this is "His vision" of M/s because everyone has their own way, none of which we believe are right or wrong
In the beginning, our dynamic was very much a punishment based system. I was trained to serve Him in the ways that He expected and failure was met with a very swift negative reinforcement. I get that some people don't like the idea of this. But it's what worked for us. I admit, it was what was needed to break so many of my disrespectful habits and years of conditioning. And yes, I tried harder because I feared failure and punishment.
Eventually, as I grew in my submission and transitioned from the mindset of "what will I get our of this", He transitioned to more of a positive reinforcement dynamic and that's when I truly began to thrive. Fear of failure no longer drove me to improve in my service. Wanting to please Him did.
However, I admit, there are times when I have trouble processing things. Usually it is only when my desires and expectations are getting the better of me. It's something I continue to work on. In fact, the morning that I cried all the way to work was the morning after the horse and extra long cock worship session. In that moment, I felt like how much more can I give?
So yeah...if I feel like this on occasion, that probably comes out in my writing when I am recounting a scene. And questions like "what motivates you in you submission"...I've had to ask myself frequently.
I'm not a masochist so it's not about getting off on pain.
And I am quite frankly denied sex quite a bit so it can't be about the sex.
The simple answer is and the one that applies probably 90% of the time is that I have found so much love and contentment in serving Him.
It took me a long time to get to that point though. I had always loved serving Him outside the bedroom. It was in the bedroom I had major control issues and feared His sexual appetite, but mostly I feared His sadistic needs. For years, I forced His desires into an imaginary closet. To top it off, I worked pretty damn hard to make Him feel like a freak for having such needs. He loved me despite it all but it was obvious neither of us was completely happy or fulfilled.
Our journey has been filled with plenty of bumps and bends in the road and I have failed more times than I can count. But I've learned that this journey isn't about successes or failures. This journey is about staying engaged and in tune with each other, always trying to give the other our best. I don't always enjoy what He chooses to do to me (or not do to me) but it was trust and respect that allowed me to give myself over to Him and it's what allows me to continue doing so. Trust is also what helped created a completely different energy and connection in our marriage.
Overall, I think by living within the confines of His expectations, I have become a better person. Patience is definitely having to become one of my virtues. And I think it's made Him a stronger, more confident person.
So what keeps me motivated the other 10% of the time that I don't find my cup running over with happiness just doing what I am supposed to be doing? Well, then it's just a matter of being obedient.
Again, thank you for you thoughts and comment DtBHC! I'm glad to know that my journey fascinates you:)
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Monday, February 23, 2015
Saddle Sore
Why the hell do I let you do this to me?
This might have just come out of my mouth at least once during the fifteen or so minutes I spent on the horse. I assure you...a lot worse wasn't said!
Desperately, I tried not to move a muscle. I closed my eyes, breathing through the pain. Which doesn't get more bearable as you sit there, mind you. It aches and aches and only gets worse.
So let's go back to how it all started that night last week...
After dinner, while He was upstairs, I knelt at His feet, as I do quite often when He is playing a video game. Most of the time, He continues playing but this time He turned the game off and told me to get undressed.
I knew it was time and I wanted to run and hide.
Walking to the closet, He took out the horse and set it in the middle of the room. Being that I am pretty short, He had to get a chair so that I could reach high enough to throw one of my legs over. Very carefully, I lowered myself down until the wooden V shaped edge of the horse was most definitely rammed up between my legs and was supporting nearly my full body weight Truth be told, my inner thighs were locked against the sides, trying to take some of the load.
As I sat there, He walked around the horse, putting on my ankle and wrist cuffs. He attached rope to each of the cuffs, then tied the ropes from my left side of my body to the bedroom door knob several feet away to my left. The ropes on the right arm and leg were tied to the foot board of the bed, also several feet away but to the right.
My arms were completely outstretched, while my legs were not pulled tight, but just enough that it took away my ability to use my leg muscles to ease the pressure.
It was already almost more than I could bare as I watched Him walking back over to me, this time with the clover clamps in His hands. I couldn't imagine that pain on top of the other pain. It's not often that I beg but this time I sure did. Of course it didn't work. I think my pleas only served to fuel His sadistic fire.
At this point, I had easily already been on the horse for close to ten minutes. Standing back and taking in the sight of my helpless body, He grinned and commented about how great I looked. Ha....I didn't feel great. Then, He walked over in my direct line of sight and got on the treadmill.
Now, I expected the pain to be intense. But what I didn't expect was how badly it would hurt in my butt crack!! I couldn't move even a fraction of an inch without the pain being excruciating. At least if I stayed motionless, the pain was more of a deep ache but it was impossible to relieve no matter how I tried to shift. If I tried to rock ever so slightly forward, the pain on my clit was blinding. So, I chose the lesser of two evils in my opinion and kept the pressure more focused on my back side.
He only stayed on the treadmill a few minutes. So, all in all, I was on the horse probably no more than fifteen minutes, but it was more than enough to know that it will never make my list of favorites. It IS a torture device for a reason!
I've read stories of women riding it for close to AN HOUR and I'm sure the goal will be for me to spend longer and longer on it. But I can't even imagine, because after experiencing only fifteen minutes...that little bone in my backside (the one extends down between your checks and divides your body in half) was still sore three days later!!!
It was so sweet and caring the way He lifted me off the horse and cradled my aching body, until my shaky feet stood firmly on the floor. I only wish I could say this was the point that He forced Himself on me, making mad passionate love to me, or hell, even forced my head down on His cock.
But that is not the case. Instead, I found myself kneeling beside the treadmill with a rope attached to the clovers. As He continued on walking, He held onto the rope, tugging my nipples with each stride.
And we won't bother to talk about the hour and a half cock worship after that.
Let's just say, I was thankful for sleep, even if I did go without.
This might have just come out of my mouth at least once during the fifteen or so minutes I spent on the horse. I assure you...a lot worse wasn't said!
Desperately, I tried not to move a muscle. I closed my eyes, breathing through the pain. Which doesn't get more bearable as you sit there, mind you. It aches and aches and only gets worse.
So let's go back to how it all started that night last week...
After dinner, while He was upstairs, I knelt at His feet, as I do quite often when He is playing a video game. Most of the time, He continues playing but this time He turned the game off and told me to get undressed.
I knew it was time and I wanted to run and hide.
Walking to the closet, He took out the horse and set it in the middle of the room. Being that I am pretty short, He had to get a chair so that I could reach high enough to throw one of my legs over. Very carefully, I lowered myself down until the wooden V shaped edge of the horse was most definitely rammed up between my legs and was supporting nearly my full body weight Truth be told, my inner thighs were locked against the sides, trying to take some of the load.
As I sat there, He walked around the horse, putting on my ankle and wrist cuffs. He attached rope to each of the cuffs, then tied the ropes from my left side of my body to the bedroom door knob several feet away to my left. The ropes on the right arm and leg were tied to the foot board of the bed, also several feet away but to the right.
My arms were completely outstretched, while my legs were not pulled tight, but just enough that it took away my ability to use my leg muscles to ease the pressure.
It was already almost more than I could bare as I watched Him walking back over to me, this time with the clover clamps in His hands. I couldn't imagine that pain on top of the other pain. It's not often that I beg but this time I sure did. Of course it didn't work. I think my pleas only served to fuel His sadistic fire.
At this point, I had easily already been on the horse for close to ten minutes. Standing back and taking in the sight of my helpless body, He grinned and commented about how great I looked. Ha....I didn't feel great. Then, He walked over in my direct line of sight and got on the treadmill.
Now, I expected the pain to be intense. But what I didn't expect was how badly it would hurt in my butt crack!! I couldn't move even a fraction of an inch without the pain being excruciating. At least if I stayed motionless, the pain was more of a deep ache but it was impossible to relieve no matter how I tried to shift. If I tried to rock ever so slightly forward, the pain on my clit was blinding. So, I chose the lesser of two evils in my opinion and kept the pressure more focused on my back side.
He only stayed on the treadmill a few minutes. So, all in all, I was on the horse probably no more than fifteen minutes, but it was more than enough to know that it will never make my list of favorites. It IS a torture device for a reason!
I've read stories of women riding it for close to AN HOUR and I'm sure the goal will be for me to spend longer and longer on it. But I can't even imagine, because after experiencing only fifteen minutes...that little bone in my backside (the one extends down between your checks and divides your body in half) was still sore three days later!!!
It was so sweet and caring the way He lifted me off the horse and cradled my aching body, until my shaky feet stood firmly on the floor. I only wish I could say this was the point that He forced Himself on me, making mad passionate love to me, or hell, even forced my head down on His cock.
But that is not the case. Instead, I found myself kneeling beside the treadmill with a rope attached to the clovers. As He continued on walking, He held onto the rope, tugging my nipples with each stride.
And we won't bother to talk about the hour and a half cock worship after that.
Let's just say, I was thankful for sleep, even if I did go without.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Evolving! Changing the Title
Something I have thought about for quite some time now has been changing the title of my blog. But it worried me to make that drastic of a change. Sometimes it's just easier to stay with what you know...and what everyone else knows.
But I think ultimately, to be true to myself, I want to change. Of course I talked it over first with Heron to get His permission. I think He was a bit confused as to why I felt so strongly about it and I explained that Master's Submissive Little Girl is really something I came up with on a whim very early on in our journey. We have both changed, evolved in each of our roles and as a couple. And I think this representation of me, should evolve as well.
I definitely wanted something that included the name I was given on the day He collared me. For those of you that might not have read that post, feel free to go back here.
He thought about it for a minute and suggested Songs From a Nÿghtbird (changing the spelling as to lessen the confusion with song lyrics or band names). I loved it but also felt it should reflect that I belong to Him so I suggested Songs From His Nÿghtbird. And thus my new blog title was born.
I'm sure it will take some getting used to but my web address will remain the same, as well as my screen name. So hopefully, there won't be too much confusion there.
So, thank you to everyone who reads here. Whether you make yourself known through messages or comments or you choose to quietly observe, you all make an impact in my life. My journey thus far, wouldn't have been quite the same without the support of all of you and for that, I am grateful.
I hope you all enjoy the changes coming soon!!
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