It kind of goes without saying that this has been a week of reflection for us both. We have spent quite a bit of time just being...relaxing together, catching up on the new show True Detective and talking about things a little at a time.
It upsets me that recent events threatened to unravel the fabric of our dynamic, but sometimes as unsettling as it can be, re-evaluation is necessary and in the end, hopefully helps us both to grow.
The issue was servicing others or being "loaned out" and it's not something I take lightly. I constantly struggle with the idea of it and always worry about any risks that could be introduced into our marriage and cause permanent damage. While I had done it once in the past and did enjoy the experience, this time, the circumstances felt all wrong. I think He realizes that now as well. Had I respectfully expressed my concerns at the time, He would have understood and agreed.
Now, I don't consider myself at all bratty. He would never tolerate that. However, I admit to requiring a bit of affection and attention along with A LOT of reassurance. Without proper attention given to the maintenance of our dynamic, the lack of intimacy and connection over the past few months have left me frustrated and feeling neglected, only working to steadily fuel my self-doubt and insecurities. Rather than talk to Him about these issues, I withdrew into myself, hoping not to burden Him further.
I knew the moment He issued the order, I was far from the appropriate headspace and following through might very well have put my mental state in jeopardy. Besides being angry, my first thought was he's too busy to want or need me for Himself so He is casting me aside and sending me elsewhere. I needed Him and the security only He could provide me, not to be given away.
So, where are we now?
We know this isn't something that we want to give up. It's not just something we do, it's who we are now. We haven't been able to go about our days without feeling like something was just...missing.
He is determined to make more time for us so that our dynamic is fed and maintained because I need to feel His ownership. It wouldn't be fair to expect me to meet all His needs, if I am left feeling that mine are not being met.
We have discussed the issues I have with expectations of servicing other men and while I am not completely off the hook, He has offered me a reasonable compromise.
At this point, the ball is in my court. The choice...whether I will accept the terms of my surrender with the understanding that if I disobey again, it will most definitely be the end of the dynamic.
Oh but there will be a little matter of punishment that I am due. Yikes...scary thinking how bad it's going to be, given that I stand accused of committing the cardinal sin in His book!