Feeling Human

Not that it's always easy, but submitting is my place of comfort.  I can appreciate how much peace it brings to our lives.   And maybe most importantly, it's what I realize now has always been a natural part of me.   

I also recognize that I am extreme people-pleaser.  I don't really believe that submission and being a people pleaser always go hand in hand, but I think for me they do.  The people-pleaser in me spends a huge amount of energy seeing to other people's happiness, whether that means taking care of them, doing for them, or biting my tongue to spare their feelings from what I am really thinking.  And that's fine...I like to see those I care about happy.

But in the past, I would do and do until I got to the point that it would become stressful and I would become resentful.  Out of frustration, I lashed out at the people closest to me.  I regret that I ever behaved like that but thankfully, the structure and rules we have in place now help to keep me grounded, and for the most part, make me face the day to day stresses without losing control of myself or at least help me find a more constructive way to deal with it. 

However, we probably all have our different struggles in submission and I think I have found mine.

Maybe I have just become more sensitive to it or maybe it's because I can't lash back but I really feel like there are times that I am now the target of their frustrations. I don't worry too much about the kids....that comes with the territory.  If you aren't making them mad from time to time, you probably aren't doing your job:) 

But when it's Daddy's frustrations, it really bothers me.  So, to keep from saying something I might regret, I push away.  I tell myself it's to give him space, to sort out what's really bothering him, but then I get into my own head and sometimes get stuck there with my emotions running amok.

Today has been one of those days.  I ended up just getting out of the house for a little while and heard a song on the radio that really summed up how I was feeling.  

"Human" by Christina Perri

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/christinaperri/human.html

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want
Be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am
...

I can take so much
'Til I've had enough

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human