Sunday, July 21, 2013

My Biggest FEAR!

So we all have fears in life whether it be of dying, getting into a car accident, or losing the person we love.  I attended an event today and the discussion was about fears.  So many of the ladies shared some very touching and personal struggles.  I was able to also open up and talk about my own fear...the fear of disappointing others.

My entire life, I have wanted everyone around me to be happy with me.  I despise failure of any sort and agonize if I think that I have let someone down.  Turning myself inside out to do what other people would like me to do has been a fatal flaw of mine as far back as I can remember. 

For example, as a child, I was expected to participate in a sport in which I grew to hate.  This was a choice made for me before I was even old enough to say the word "sport".  As I grew older, I wondered what it would be like to feel like a "normal" kid.  I wanted so badly to see what it was like to hang out with friends after school or try other sports that interested me so I tried to verbalize these feelings.  The only thing my mother would tell me was that watching me perform was the ONLY thing that brought her joy.  No pressure there!! 

As I watched her marriage unravel and all the unhappiness surrounding her life, how could I even fathom adding to her unhappiness?  So, I sucked it up, hated my life every single day, and continued to do what pleased her.  This was no short lived part of my childhood...this was 17 years!  I have this saying..."if I am going to do something, I am going to be the best."  Whether I like what I am can be assured it will not be half-assed because I hate failure.  So being good at it didn't really help my case when I claimed that I didn't want to do it. 

I grew up in house where both my parents regularly reminded me that children have no rights and no say.  Our house was a "dictatorship...not a democracy!"  All this did was continue to drive home the fact that I had no control over myself or any choices.  My sole purpose was to do what others wanted and expected of me.   

I suppose had I been a different type of person, I could have been a rebellious hell-raiser and bucked the system.  But looking back, my submissive tendencies were already well established.  Doing for others was already part of my nature. Being a people pleaser has lead to so many frustrations in my life because it's hard keeping everyone happy and finding happiness yourself.  I am finally understanding that no matter how hard you try, you will never make everyone happy. 

My inability to say NO left me feeling quite out of control of my life, and what did I do?  I took it out on the one person that really never expected me to be anything but myself and spent all of His time trying to make me happy, my Husband and lifelong best friend who I am proud to call Master.  From day one, He accepted every single thing about me, the good and the ugly.  It really is true that we tend to be our worst to the people we are closest to. 

This past year, in my journey to become a slave, I have learned more about myself than I have in the previous 39 years of my life.  The act of surrendering has forced to continually evaluate my behaviors, the reasons for them, and how to overcome so many obstacles from my past. 

Being submissive obviously comes naturally, and in being His slave, I embrace my people pleasing nature for Him only. 

I want to obey Him.

I want to endure intense painful sessions for Him.

I want to please Him in everything that I do.

I still believe in being a kind, helpful, and humble person but the part of me I see changing is that I  no longer feel obligated to do what EVERYONE thinks that I should...only what HE thinks I should.  In every way, I try to be a person with only good intention but if someone isn't happy me, I no longer twist myself in knots worrying about it.  I am not responsible for everyone's happiness. 

The only person I live to please now is my Master and that is such freedom! 


  1. I followed the link from FL when I saw a comment on some conversation and ended up here for an hr or so. First... Thank you! Second... do you mind explaining when you got the tatts, why and so forth and do you have an piercings aside from ears. If so did these come before or after you became M/s?
    What WAS the main motivator for you to enter into a D/s Ms relationship? Your husbands idea, yours? How was the topic broached and what sort of learning /research was involved BEFORE you decided to give it a go?
    I would recommend this blog to anyone who wants to see what this looks like.

    1. Let's see if I can cover all your questions...
      One of the tats was before our dynamic started. The other was at the request of my Master. It is a symbol I designed symbolizing pleasure and pain. No other piercings besides my ears.

      The main motivator was to enhance our relationship. I knew that my stubbornness was creating a marriage that was lacking in true closeness and intimacy. He loved me...yes but the connection wasn't as string as I knew it could be.

      After my husband tried to initiate several times in past years, He gave up and waited for me to come to Him. It was broached by me saying I was willing to REALLY give it a try. He did all the research, drafted a contract for me to review, and I had a well to think about His guidelines and make suggestion or voice concerns. I honestly did not know what to expect and started researching after I made the commitment.

      Thank you so much for saying that you would recommend my writings to others. That really does mean a lot to me. That is quite a compliment!

  2. Nightbird.... or do you prefer little girl?

    DO you think that an Ms relationship can exist without rules.. written ones even? My sense is it could not and requires some very well defined boundaries and behaviors. And so the question becomes why would having rules increase intimacy closeness and offer better sex?

    One thing I will say is that... an obvious from your blog... you can't get get anything out of a Ms or Ds or maybe any kink relationship without a LOT of thought, reflection and understanding of it... just as Heron did all sorts of research... Who ever heard or doing research for a vanilla relationship? Are we to think that vanilla relationships are incapable of achieving the intensity etc. that Ms ones do? Is this (Ms Ds) about turning up the intensity? Or it is something else and more?