So we all have fears in life whether it be of dying, getting into a car accident, or losing the person we love. I attended an event today and the discussion was about fears. So many of the ladies shared some very touching and personal struggles. I was able to also open up and talk about my own fear...the fear of disappointing others.
My entire life, I have wanted everyone around me to be happy with me. I despise failure of any sort and agonize if I think that I have let someone down. Turning myself inside out to do what other people would like me to do has been a fatal flaw of mine as far back as I can remember.
For example, as a child, I was expected to participate in a sport in which I grew to hate. This was a choice made for me before I was even old enough to say the word "sport". As I grew older, I wondered what it would be like to feel like a "normal" kid. I wanted so badly to see what it was like to hang out with friends after school or try other sports that interested me so I tried to verbalize these feelings. The only thing my mother would tell me was that watching me perform was the ONLY thing that brought her joy. No pressure there!!
As I watched her marriage unravel and all the unhappiness surrounding her life, how could I even fathom adding to her unhappiness? So, I sucked it up, hated my life every single day, and continued to do what pleased her. This was no short lived part of my childhood...this was 17 years! I have this saying..."if I am going to do something, I am going to be the best." Whether I like what I am doing...you can be assured it will not be half-assed because I hate failure. So being good at it didn't really help my case when I claimed that I didn't want to do it.
I grew up in house where both my parents regularly reminded me that children have no rights and no say. Our house was a "dictatorship...not a democracy!" All this did was continue to drive home the fact that I had no control over myself or any choices. My sole purpose was to do what others wanted and expected of me.
I suppose had I been a different type of person, I could have been a rebellious hell-raiser and bucked the system. But looking back, my submissive tendencies were already well established. Doing for others was already part of my nature. Being a people pleaser has lead to so many frustrations in my life because it's hard keeping everyone happy and finding happiness yourself. I am finally understanding that no matter how hard you try, you will never make everyone happy.
My inability to say NO left me feeling quite out of control of my life, and what did I do? I took it out on the one person that really never expected me to be anything but myself and spent all of His time trying to make me happy, my Husband and lifelong best friend who I am proud to call Master. From day one, He accepted every single thing about me, the good and the ugly. It really is true that we tend to be our worst to the people we are closest to.
This past year, in my journey to become a slave, I have learned more about myself than I have in the previous 39 years of my life. The act of surrendering has forced to continually evaluate my behaviors, the reasons for them, and how to overcome so many obstacles from my past.
Being submissive obviously comes naturally, and in being His slave, I embrace my people pleasing nature for Him only.
I want to obey Him.
I want to endure intense painful sessions for Him.
I want to please Him in everything that I do.
I still believe in being a kind, helpful, and humble person but the part of me I see changing is that I no longer feel obligated to do what EVERYONE thinks that I should...only what HE thinks I should. In every way, I try to be a person with only good intention but if someone isn't happy me, I no longer twist myself in knots worrying about it. I am not responsible for everyone's happiness.
The only person I live to please now is my Master and that is such freedom!