Why is it that the quiet leads me to an uncomfortable place?
Maybe I have come to recognize a pattern..
There are plenty of times when words fail me. I grow quiet not only here on my blog but also in the rest of my life. Usually, it's busy schedules or a feeling that whatever is going isn't all that newsworthy, or some combination of both. Whatever the reason though, I am realizing these are the times when so much needs to be said.
You see, the mind plays tricks, leading me to believe, when passivity in our dynamic takes over...it's OK...that I am OK. But that's really not so.
He is quite honest in admitting that He doesn't always like to hear what I am feeling. Not because He is insensitive or doesn't have a desire or need to know, but because it forces Him to look towards Himself and analyze how He may also be faltering. This plays a huge huge role into my tendency to shy away, relegating myself to that quiet spot, and fight the need to face and share my pesky emotions. He is burdened enough and I try hard not to add to that.
Of course it doesn't help knowing that His solution is pretty much always NOT going to be what I had in mind. I am sure you know what I mean.
But, eventually, whatever is bothering me, all comes dribbling out anyway, much as it did the other day.
The threat of training, as I wrote about here, had yet to materialize, really through no fault of His own. But the overall lack of attention the last few months had really begun to shake my self confidence, leaving me feeling...well not only vulnerable but undesired.
Now, I should know without a doubt that isn't the case but my brain had run amok while left in the quiet too long.
So, after finally opening up and talking to Daddy (which I will explain the name change in my next post) over the weekend, He decided we had much work ahead to break the cycle of complacency and the first step was His reinstatement of higher protocol.
Wow...was Monday a tough adjustment, but very much needed for both of us!!
However, I would like to point out that Daddy's tendencies towards the "ALL OR NOTHING" principle can be a bit exasperating.
That's all I have time for now, but plenty to catch up in the next post or two.