Tuesday, October 7, 2014
In response to my recent post Lazy Days and Questions, one reader asked:
My question is about the second part of your post. In your relationship as Husband/wife, to what extent are you allowed to voice your opinion as a spouse and not as a sub (even if it opposite to his)?
This is a really good question and I actually sat down and talked with Heron about his perspective on this question before I answered just to make sure that my take on it is correct.
So, we kind of boiled it down to a few key issues: sex, money, and kids. These tend to be the most common areas of disagreement between married couples, right?
We never so much fought about money, mainly stressed over it, but we did have our fair share of arguments about sex and the kids.
Do I get to voice my opinion as a spouse? Absolutely! I am always free to voice my opinion...always have been free to. Except maybe when it comes to sex now. Well, even that, I can voice my opinion...but I just don't think my opinion matters much in that regard.
Overall, He values my what I think and tells me all the time how smart and perceptive I am. Whether we live in a D/s dynamic or not, we are still life partners and want what's best for each other and our family.
However, what being submissive has taught me is there is always a time, place, and manner in which to express said opinions. Loudly, disrespectfully, or perhaps in front of others, is not going to be in my best interest. My tone and style of communication is altogether different...all the time.
For example, with the kids, I may not agree with how He has chosen to deal with something. Used to be, I would have gotten really fired up about it and quite possibly "called Him down" in front of them, undermining His authority. I might have even been right in what I was saying but my MO was horrible. I see that now. If I have an issue, I wait and discuss it with Him privately afterwards. I may bite my tongue off in the process but because I am not approaching it aggressively, there is no need for Him to get defensive. Therefore, He actually listens to what I am saying and is much more likely to see and agree with my viewpoint.
With money, even though He manages the finances, we always discuss budget and big purchase items. Could He buy that nice new boat He is dying to have? Sure. He doesn't require my permission to do that but we discuss all major decisions and He respects what I feel may or may not be in the best interest of our family.
Sometimes my input gives Him a different perspective, sometimes I am His sounding board, and sometimes my words speak to His conscience.
So yes, I am free to speak my opinion, even when it differs from His. But I no longer see a distinction between speaking to Him as a wife or a sub.
I am always His wife...I am always His submissive.
And weighing my words isn't even a conscious decision I make anymore, it's just something that happens..
Not saying that I don't get angry or upset sometimes, but there isn't a timeout, so to speak, where I am granted the freedom to say what I want, however I want. For the sake of keeping communication constructive, I always stay respectful. And arguing...well, no matter what the situation, that just isn't going to happen.
I admit though, if I am guilty of anything, it may be stating my opinion one too many times if I feel my point isn't getting across. In that case, He'll give me the "That's enough!" and I know it's time to cool it.
Thank you, Charlie for the question!