Lately, several people have asked, "How did you become submissive?" or "How did you and your husband get started in this dynamic after living a vanilla life so long?"
Well, I can certainly say it wasn't an easy decision and was not an easy change in our life together.
In my earlier writings, I have admitted to previously being the very vanilla partner. My husband, however, as long as we have been married, has never been vanilla. His kinks were and are very deep and quite frankly scared the shit out of me. After much fighting though the years, to keep me happy, He sacrificed His needs and we lived a vanilla life with me pretty much in charge of everything.
It's taken me years to work through the demons of my past and when I finally looked at what was lacking in our relationship and intimacy, I thought long and hard on the discussions we had in the past about His needs.
The lightbulb finally came on in my head and I sat down with my Husband sometime around the beginning of June in 2012 and said " I am really ready to try things your way". His initial reaction, and rightly so, was skepticism. I had told Him this in the past but only made it through one of two kinky days of sex and then would fall apart. He wasn't willing to open Himself up to this type of disappointment again and I really didn't blame Him.
We continued talking about it for several days and experimented with a couple of fairly mild BDSM sessions. Previously, my reaction to BDSM had always been to burst out crying or completely shut down emotionally. So in these first few sessions, He worked very hard to read my body language, not push me too far, and I fought the urge to shut down. To my amazement, I started to experience just how powerful our connection was when I submitted my body to Him.
Things rocked along pretty good for a couple of weeks and then I started feeling overwhelmed. I talked to my Husband about needing more from Him in the decision making aspect of our life. It was too difficult for me to be the dominant one in my job and home life, and then let all that go the moment we got into the bedroom.
Even though I didn't understand at the time, my Husband certainly understood that basically I was seeking a D/s dynamic.
So starting with one rule, I was told that I could no longer curse. Breaking the rule usually resulted in, what I would consider now, a mild spanking.
By the end of June, my Husband had drafted a contract which explicitly outlined each of our roles, rules, expectations, etc. and clearly indicated a huge lifestyle change. This was about to get real!!
In previous posts, I have already discussed why this contract was so important for us, but the short version is that when I signed that contract, I made a conscious decision to surrender all of myself to Him.
I promised to trust His decisions and guidance, obey His commands, and serve in any way pleasing to Him.
So what did the next 6 months look like??
I didn't start my blogging until the beginning of 2013, so I realized there is several months, and quite possible the most important months that are completely unaccounted for. As we struggled, my Husband (who I will call Master from this point forward), was pouring through research to educate Himself.
The one thing He learned was how important it is for your sub to journal, so this soon became a requirement for me. It helped me process and work through some of my emotions in a non-threatening manner. He could then read and see where my head was at, what I liked, and what I didn't like.
He assigned more rules and tasks and this is where we started having some issues. My vanilla reactions to being told what to do were not easy to break. I learned quickly that sighing and eye-rolling were definitely a no-no and failure to do what was expected meant punishment.
I was easily frustrated because I have so much going on every day in my life and it was easy to forget the little tasks I had been assigned. To no avail, I fought tooth and nail making excuses for myself.
We had discussions about positive feedback. There was a point in time where I felt the only feedback I was getting was negative, which was discouraging to my submission. Master acknowledged that He was not so good in this area and worked to provide more of a balance.
Eventually, as the current rules and tasks became routine, He would know it was time to add another.
I studied new cock sucking techniques/tricks or anything else that would be helpful in satisfying his sexual needs.
We worked on learning some basic slave positions, increasing my pain tolerance by intermingling pain and pleasure, and some basics in humiliation. I know that sounds horrible but was necessary in our relationship to re-program my status as no longer the equal partner and it just so happens to be a huge turn on for Him. I was also introduced to my mantra, various punishment techniques, and maintenance spankings.
Overall, some days were good and some were not so good. On the bad days, when we were both ready to give up, He would ask if I wanted out of the contract. This was like a slap to the face for me and would only mean one thing...FAILURE!! Acceptance in all things was what I had committed to. So, I would simply commit myself to trying harder and taking each day as it came...never looking forward and never looking backwards.
At the beginning of the year, my Master charged me with starting a blog rather than journaling. I had not become a member of Fetlife at that point and had never spoken to anyone within the lifestyle. I felt like this little island with no one to talk to except my Master, and let's face it, sometimes you need to talk to someone else. Despite how much I hated that idea of a blog, I did as I was told and was quite discouraged that no one seemed to be reading it.
After a month or so, all of that changed. I was receiving encouragement from people that didn't even know me but liked my posts and shared my experiences and I could just feel this feeding my submission. Things got even better once I started meeting people and attending local events.
The rest of the story (how we moved from D/s to M/s)...well I think it all pretty well documented but it started when I expressed desire to be collared, which is something I never thought would have interested me.
Remember, everyone's experience will be different. For those of you just starting out, find what feeds your submission!!
It's a journey, don't expect change overnight. Most importantly, have fun and as someone once told me..."Embrace the Journey"!