Regrets and Redemption

There was a thread on Fetlife the other day that struck such a deep chord in me.  I wrote a short reply on the topic but really felt like I had so much more to say.  It was about "regrets" you have had since being introduced to the D/s or BDSM lifestyle.  Unfortunately, I think I could write a book on the ups and downs (well, mostly downs) we have faced through our marriage on this topic prior to my commitment into submission.

I was only 19 when we met in college and I had very little experience sexually, and none that I had enjoyed before Him.   We instantly fell in love but I had just come out of a VERY controlling relationship which ended traumatically.  Unfortunately, the unresolved issues that I would be left to cope with would haunt us for years to come...we just didn't realize it yet. 

Fast forward, a couple of years through dating and wedding.  It wasn't long after we were married that I realized my Master might be bent a little differently when it came to sex.  He was and is really quite conservative and shy.  So, when this kinky side of Him appeared, I really didn't know what to think and quite honestly, it scared me.  I was also angry at Him for not sharing this with me before we were married.  Regardless of how I felt, I tried for Him.  I let Him tie me up, spank me a little, or use clothespins on my nipples.  It always ended up the same way...with me in tears and feeling horrible about myself.  Even just listening to Him call me dirty names left me feeling dead inside for days afterwards.  My fear of being out of control absolutely brought out the worst in me and I began to shut down in our marriage.  The feeling that we could never make each other happy consumed me and after a couple of years, I chose to leave Him.  Obviously, we got back together or that would be where my story ends:) I did come to my senses and return to Him after about a year but it was on vanilla only terms.

After several more years, the topic of kink started coming back into the picture.  I could feel He wasn't completely connected to me physically and we would hash it out every 6 months or so.  It was always the same discussion and it was so painful for both of us.  I needed more attention and affection but He couldn't give it to me.  The only way He could hold back His dominant tendencies was to hold back completely. The sex was still good, but the true passion was missing. 

Funny thing was, at this point, on rare occasions, I actually liked the thought of being spanked and and tied up.  I tried to convince Him that maybe we could do it "when I felt like it" and was hurt when He explained that it couldn't work like that for Him.  This didn't make any sense to me...why did it have to be all or nothing?  This line in the sand left me feeling completely inadequate and angry.  Rather than educating myself of the subject and trying to understand Him better, I lashed out with horrible and hurtful things that made Him feel less of a person...and worse...less of a man.  I told Him that there was something wrong with Him, that what He wanted from me "wasn't normal", and was abusive.  Oh God...it makes me sick now thinking what I did and how horrible I was.  And He loved me anyway!   

But this was case closed for Him and I was assured under no circumstances would it ever be brought up again. 

So, how did we get to where we are now?  Luckily, I was ready to finally let go of my control issues.  My past was just that...my past...not my future.  That lesson didn't come easy though, it was through the loss of someone very close to me.  I was thankful for the good man, family and life I had but the sex left alot to be desired.  So, during sex, my mind started taking me to places I had never been before but I was so ashamed and kept these thoughts to myself for a long while. 

Then, I discovered erotic books and found that my fantasies of being "taken" against my will, being held down and fucked by multiple men and women, and so on and so on...wasn't so abnormal.  Not that I necessarily want these things to happen in real life, but it was a sure sign my inner submissive was screaming to come out!  I also could finally appreciate the fantasies and needs my Husband had all along.  I couldn't get enough...reading story after story.  I don't know if it was the books or if I was just hitting my sexual prime but my libido kicked into overdrive and I was turned on like never before.  I got the nerve to talk with Him about my fantasies and told Him I was really ready to try it His way.  Of course with my previous behavior, who would have blamed Him for being hesitant.  Thankfully, He got on board with the idea pretty quickly! ;-) 

Well, kinky quickly turned into full time D/s and even though we have hit a few bumps in the road, we haven't looked back since.  I think I mentioned it in my post Surrendering Control, the key for me to submit in the bedroom was submission in all things first.  We finally figured out where we were going wrong after all those years!  He just hates that we wasted so much time.  Although, I don't know if, even willingly, I could have handled Him as a younger and much more energetic sadist!   

Now, since I spent the first 20 years being a complete ass about His needs, I only hope to spend the next 20 years making up for it by being everything He ever needed me to be...the best submissive possible.  That will be my redemption:)