As a child, I was always very adult like, partly because I was mature for my age, but mostly just because this was expected of me. Not that my childhood was horrible. But being "a child" was discouraged. I also grew up believing that I didn't have a voice, that I was responsible for others happiness, and I always had to be strong.
As an adult, life has dealt some pretty shitty blows. This is no different than anyone else, I realize that. But it's always been my job to hold it all together - be strong for everyone around me. Even when I wanted and needed to be the one to fall apart.
As a slave, I understand that sometimes I still don't have a say. And while I may not be responsible for His happiness, I am responsible for being pleasing by doing what is expected. At times, being a slave requires a strength that I feel I have acquired over my lifetime.
But for the first time in my life, I have finally accepted that someone else can and wants to take care of me in return. It's okay to feel small, to let down your walls, to allow yourself to feel just a bit needy. There is safety and security in trusting someone so completely.
Finally, I am learning to embrace "the girl" I never was.
Showing posts with label vulnerability. Show all posts
Showing posts with label vulnerability. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
"A Place in My Heart"
VULNERABILITY...a word that has cropped up in a couple blogs here recently. Whew...this is something I can identify with greatly at the moment. And along with this extreme sense of vulnerability has come a whole host of emotions that have quite frankly caught me VERY off guard.
While I've learned that I can completely expose and trust Heron with my vulnerability, my life is changing and I am not used to trusting anyone else with that part of me. Honestly, I have NEVER been able to fully trust anyone else, except Him. But I shared something special with Chrysalis, exposed a part of myself and then that feeling of intense vulnerability set in. Plain and simple, it scared the crap out of me. I can be a bit cynical anyways, always believing that at some point, when something is too good, the other shoe is bound to fall. So I resorted to what I used to do best and that was to push people away. It’s what I do in a great effort to protect myself. And once I begin frantically constructing my fortress, it's REALLY hard to stop.
In my last post I said "we are all real people, with real emotions that can get caught up in the mix". This is so very true...probably even more so than I realized when I wrote that post. A bit of foreshadowing I suppose or perhaps I could already feel what was happening.
After the high of our threesome experience, the crash came. The "oh my gosh...I just did that" moment hit and it hit hard. Heron had experienced some of His own issues but had worked through it pretty early on and quickly. For me, it took several more days for things to bubble to the surface. The three of us (myself, Chrysalis, and her husband) were to meet for more of the same this past Saturday but I knew my head was not in the right place. Heron could see what was happening, the turmoil between my heart and my head. I'm also sure He knew where it was coming from but He supported and encouraged me to do what I thought was best for ME. So, I cancelled our weekend plans. There were a couple other things (discussions) that had happened earlier in the week that I was still grappling to fully understand. Compound all of that with the ridiculous emotions of PMS, and well what we had brewing was a recipe for disaster.
I withdrew so hard and so fast, I left everyone's head spinning in the wake. Chrysalis and I had been very open and honest about some things, including our feelings for each other and that left me feeling extremely vulnerable and terrified of being hurt or hurting anyone else. Things had moved quickly, very quickly in some respects and I needed to catch my breath. And while I desperately feared losing her, I also needed to re-establish that I had come into this desiring more of a one-on-one situation with her. What the three of us shared was awesome and I am certainly open to doing it again at some point, but I felt it important to stay true to my original intentions.
So it was quite a roller coaster for a few days and mentally exhausting. This week, we have backed up a bit, just spent some time reconnecting as friends first. Her and I went for a really nice hike on Memorial Day Monday and met for lunch yesterday. Just being around her always makes me peaceful and happy. We've spent a lot of time talking about our past, and I think we both have a greater understanding and appreciation for how and why we react to certain situations.
And the rest...well it's slowly falling back into place but she's letting it flow at my pace right now.
The moral of the story...no matter how ready you think you are...there may very well be some unexpected emotions. But Heron has been there every step of the way while I process all of this and if it's even possible, I think we are even stronger for it.
While I've learned that I can completely expose and trust Heron with my vulnerability, my life is changing and I am not used to trusting anyone else with that part of me. Honestly, I have NEVER been able to fully trust anyone else, except Him. But I shared something special with Chrysalis, exposed a part of myself and then that feeling of intense vulnerability set in. Plain and simple, it scared the crap out of me. I can be a bit cynical anyways, always believing that at some point, when something is too good, the other shoe is bound to fall. So I resorted to what I used to do best and that was to push people away. It’s what I do in a great effort to protect myself. And once I begin frantically constructing my fortress, it's REALLY hard to stop.
In my last post I said "we are all real people, with real emotions that can get caught up in the mix". This is so very true...probably even more so than I realized when I wrote that post. A bit of foreshadowing I suppose or perhaps I could already feel what was happening.
After the high of our threesome experience, the crash came. The "oh my gosh...I just did that" moment hit and it hit hard. Heron had experienced some of His own issues but had worked through it pretty early on and quickly. For me, it took several more days for things to bubble to the surface. The three of us (myself, Chrysalis, and her husband) were to meet for more of the same this past Saturday but I knew my head was not in the right place. Heron could see what was happening, the turmoil between my heart and my head. I'm also sure He knew where it was coming from but He supported and encouraged me to do what I thought was best for ME. So, I cancelled our weekend plans. There were a couple other things (discussions) that had happened earlier in the week that I was still grappling to fully understand. Compound all of that with the ridiculous emotions of PMS, and well what we had brewing was a recipe for disaster.
I withdrew so hard and so fast, I left everyone's head spinning in the wake. Chrysalis and I had been very open and honest about some things, including our feelings for each other and that left me feeling extremely vulnerable and terrified of being hurt or hurting anyone else. Things had moved quickly, very quickly in some respects and I needed to catch my breath. And while I desperately feared losing her, I also needed to re-establish that I had come into this desiring more of a one-on-one situation with her. What the three of us shared was awesome and I am certainly open to doing it again at some point, but I felt it important to stay true to my original intentions.
So it was quite a roller coaster for a few days and mentally exhausting. This week, we have backed up a bit, just spent some time reconnecting as friends first. Her and I went for a really nice hike on Memorial Day Monday and met for lunch yesterday. Just being around her always makes me peaceful and happy. We've spent a lot of time talking about our past, and I think we both have a greater understanding and appreciation for how and why we react to certain situations.
And the rest...well it's slowly falling back into place but she's letting it flow at my pace right now.
The moral of the story...no matter how ready you think you are...there may very well be some unexpected emotions. But Heron has been there every step of the way while I process all of this and if it's even possible, I think we are even stronger for it.
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