Friday, August 30, 2013

Sir...Please Don't Make Me Cum Again!!

Who would even consider saying this?  Apparently, that would be me!  One would think as much as I am built up into a sexual frenzy and denied orgasm for days on end, I would be all too happy to enjoy orgasms as long as they are free for the taking, but frankly I find that too much of a good thing can be just as frustrating.

Over and over again the last few days, I have been tasked to masturbate to orgasm.  The first day was seven, the next day was nine.  Thankfully, so far today has only been two but the day is not over!

I am not always easy to orgasm and am definitely not one of those types of women that can cum and then cum again right away.  Mine are really powerful and then I have to give it a rest for a few minutes or it gets extremely over-sensitive.

On Wednesday, when He first gave me my assignment, I thought...oh this isn't too bad.  I hadn't had much in the way of sex or orgasms lately so I was happy that my constant state of horniness was finally going to be cured!! 

I get to work and sneak away at the times Master designated with my vibrator and take care of my naughty business in bathroom stall, hoping that the humming stayed within the walls of the bathroom but not entirely caring either.  Ahhhh...finally some relief as I blissfully vibrate myself to orgasm four times before the end of the work day. 

The fucking machine and Hitachi helped me along with the next few later on that night when Master could enjoy watching me pleasure myself.  Barely able to think coherently for a good portion of the day, I collapsed in bed late that night completely exhausted but sated.  I did fall short of Master's goal by one, but He wasn't too upset because He knew how hard I tried.  

The next morning, I got to work and sent Master my usual "good morning" email when the unexpected reply came in, "I expect 2 before lunch".  I just stared at the computer for a moment thinking "Oh God, not again today!" 

Now each time I sneak away, I am pretty convinced that people in my office either know what I am up to or they think I have one hell of a bad stomach with as much time as I am spending in the bathroom.  With the help of my overworked vibrator and a couple of fingers, I manage the first two in the morning only to be told to do two more after lunch.  Geez...this was like pulling teeth, but thankfully, some pretty wild girl on girl fantasies did the trick. 

With the biggest fattest twat imaginable, I could barely feel a thing anymore but that didn't stop Him from ordering another as soon as I got home from work.  I will admit, I was pretty darn thankful to just not be doing it in the bathroom stall again.  As I walked into my bedroom, I saw the wooden spoon, from the kitchen, sitting on the bathroom counter, apparently left from a previous spanking.  "Hmmm" I think to myself, "maybe a little more stimulation is what I need to get my motor going again".  Some light tapping on my clit, along with the Hitachi, did wonders in no time and was the quickest one all day!! 

Only four more to go that night, which Master requested to watch as He worked out.  This called for all the artillery...Hitachi, bullet vibrator, butt plug, dildo, wooden spoon.  It was no easy task but nine completed by the end of the day!  Now I know why the phrase "cum your brains out"...because I certainly didn't have a thought in my head for almost two whole days.

Before going to bed last night, I very nicely asked, "Please, Master, please can I have a break tomorrow".

Sure", He said.  "Just one in the morning and you can have a break the rest of the day".  What He failed to mention was that only meant I could have a break during the workday!  Since I am now at two for today, I realize my work here is not done. 


Monday, August 26, 2013

Just Me and My Toys

Looking at all these toys, one might think that I rather enjoyed myself but THAT was not my lot in life last week. 

MASTER'S ASSIGNMENT: I was to ride home from work each day with these little friends tormenting me.

RULE: No orgasm all week

I had already been out of commission for the 2 weeks prior so finding out about this little assignment didn't sound like much fun, for me anyways. 

Monday and Tuesday- I was to use the clothespins and the purple butt plug. 

Wednesday and Thursday- Add the wireless bullet vibrator for my pussy.

Friday- Add the other vibrator for external clit stimulation.

Luckily, I made it through the week with no "accidental" orgasms and no car accidents.  I'm not sure how I would have explained any of it to a police officer.   

Every ride home, I was so turned on I could barely stand it. Knowing that I would be denied any release anytime soon, I still just felt alive and happy to be doing as He wished.  As soon as I got out of the car, there were kids and house duties to tend to, so I was able to put away my toys and get on with the rest of my day. 

But every night, after working so hard to please Him, being good in every possible way I could think of, I rolled over and went to bed horny as hell...fighting the urge to cry, beg, and plead for His affection.  This time, I would find acceptance and not allow myself to break down...but I secretly hoped His resolve would break.  No such luck!! 

By Friday, my 45 minute drive home almost made me crazy.   

The feeling of complete fullness.

The constant humming both inside and outside my pussy.

The ache in my nipples.

No doubt, the other days felt good but adding the clit stimulation was sending me over the edge.  I could have fully enjoyed myself right there sitting in traffic.       

Oh, it would have been so easy to allow myself an orgasm.  He would never have known but the guilt for disobeying and/or being dishonest would have been a much harder burden to carry.  So I fought the urge until it was almost making me sick to my stomach.

Thankfully, I was rewarded for all my hard work later that night with a nice play session including the violet wand and the vibrator.  Finally after being teased and edged until tears were streaming down my face, I was allowed the release that I so desperately needed.

Some people don't prescribe to the philosophy of orgasm denial/control.  Honestly, I can't say that I like it a whole lot myself.  However, it boils down to acceptance and trust.  These are the two things I remind myself of often. 

Acceptance is understanding that I am His to do with as He desires in all things, not just the things I enjoy.  Trust is simply having faith in Him, the path that He chooses for us and the decisions that are made to get us there.


Friday, August 23, 2013

Master's New Floggers

Master's birthday was yesterday and I am so excited about what I found for Him.

We have a couple of floggers but we decided we are really at a point where it's important to start making an investment is high quality toys. 

I looked online and found this beautiful pair of deerskin floggers and knew they were made for us!!


Deerskin is not meant for high intensity but we want to build our collection from lesser intensity to higher intensity.  I was even more excited when I found them as a pair since He has been practicing His Florentine technique with a mismatched set. 

I absolutely love these and can't wait to try them out!


Saturday, August 17, 2013

Power Pulling Tits

As I sit kneeling at the door to our bedroom, Master drops the kneepads down in front of me and says, "put these will need them".  I quickly do as He says and stand facing Him as the clover clamps are attached to my nipples. 

The chain attaching the 2 clamps has been replaced by 2 very long strings, one hanging from each clamp.  Instinctively, I knew this could only mean one thing...clovers with weights!

He orders me down on my hands and knees.  With the clamps pointing downwards hanging from my tits, He pulls each of the strings out behind me until I feel a slight painful tug on my nipples.  The first of the weights is carefully attached and He orders me to crawl from our doorway, down the hall, and touch my nose on the wall which is just over 20 feet away. 

Already breaking a sweat from nervousness, I take a deep breath and begin to crawl.  I move fairly easy until the weights cross the threshold onto the quicksand, otherwise known as frieze carpet.  For those of you that may not know what frieze carpet is...well it's a very thick type of carpet which looks really good, but isn't so friendly in this situation! 

Very slowly, I make it all the way to the other wall, touch my nose, and Master tells me to turn around and do it again back to the bedroom.  This time He prods me along a bit fussing for not moving quickly enough so I quicken the pace despite the burning and biting against my nipples. 

"Good, girl!", He says as I reach the bedroom but apparently I am far from done.  He instructs me to turn around again and connects another weight onto each of the strings.  Again, I crawl to the wall and back again only to have another weight connected when I return. 

This time, He is pacing behind me and in His most stern voice I hear "Go faster or I am going to think you want me to use the crop on your ass".  Despite the searing pain as I pull against the force of the weights, I start to realize that it actually hurts less the faster I go.  I attribute this to keeping the momentum...must help reduce the drag. 

He repeats this same process at least 6 times before I am completely filled with dread as I hear the clicking of several weights being added for my last and final run. 

This time, the weights are so heavy, they barely move across the carpet.  I may only be trying to move 5 pounds of weight with my nipples but it certainly feels more like 50 and all I can think of are those guys that can pull trucks with their own body strength...power pullers! 

With sheer determination to prove to Him that I can this, I somehow find the strength to crawl faster than I had even before.  Panting with each movement, I feel as if my nipples are being pulled from my body.  Nipple torture is such a weakness for me but I knew how proud He would be and it would be over soon enough.  By the time I reached the first wall, He was behind me and I could already tell by His voice, He was impressed. 

As I turned to finish the final stretch, He got down on the floor in front of me and crawling backwards, face to face with me, encouraging me the rest of the way.  "Come on, you are doing so good.  Just a little bit further and then you can kiss me".  Our eyes were locked and I wasn't focused on the pain at all, only on how badly I wanted and needed to feel His lips on mine.  Before I knew it, I was at the bedroom door and He sat cuddling me in His arms and showering me with kisses. 

I would crawl to hell and back because, as always, His approval is all I long for and need.  

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

To Safeword...or Not to Safeword

Disclaimer: Before reading this please understand that this is a choice we made in our relationship and I am not suggesting that anyone reject the idea of using a "safe word".  

A safe word is a code, word, or group of words used in BDSM which the submissive can use to communicate his or her physical or mental condition to the dominant.  Depending on what has been discussed between the dominant and submissive, some safe words can merely mean to slow down or reduce the intensity, while some safe words will end the scene all together. 

One might notice, I have never mentioned the use of a safe word when describing my sessions.  That's because we don't have one.  Some people practice the safe, sane, consensual (SCC) philosophy, but Master and I lean more towards risk-aware consensual kink (RACK). 

In educating myself, I found that most information stressed the importance of safe words and the negotiating this aspect of safety prior to playing.  Master and I talked about it several times over a period of a few months, but ultimately His position was that we didn't need one.  At the time, I didn't quite agree but I made a choice not to push the issue. 

Just to be clear...
Had we not been married...
Had I not trusted His skills...
Had I not known that this man would lay down His life for me...
I would have insisted on a safe word!!

What I have learned is that not having a safe word boils completely down to TRUST.  Just because you trust someone though, should you abandon the idea of having a safe word?  No way!!  For me, this is a trust that comes from being with someone 20 years and knowing that He absolutely means no harm and is in complete control of Himself at all times.  

Yes, there are days that I cannot tolerate as much pain as others but He is so in tune with every one of my body signals, it's easy for Him to determine when it's time to push my limits and when it's not.  If I had a safe word, not only would I feel like a complete failure for using it (or even thinking of using it) but I would feel as if I was honoring the trust I have in Him.  I would be relying on my own judgment to stop Him or the scene.

He would no longer be the Master of me...I would be. 

On top of that, the constant internal dialogue in my head of "should I safe word or not" would be so distracting, I would never be able to focus and enjoy the experience or the connection between us. 

He is very conscious of the fact that my ability to tolerate pain is not an equal match for His need to give it, and because of that, He takes a lot of responsibility to keep Himself from getting too caught up in the moment.  Even though I feel at times He might have been able to push me farther, He earns more of my trust by stopping a little early and leaving me wanting.  His axiom, is actually "there is no shame in leaving you wanting". 

Maybe this isn't true for everyone else, but personally, I would be reluctant to repeat any experience that pushed me so far that I had to call mercy. 

Most importantly, He keeps scenes flexible by not really sharing with me what He has planned.  This allows Him to make adjustments depending on my reactions and body signals.  He may choose to push a little further, change the direction or flow of things, or He may decide to cut it short.  No matter what, He has maintained control of the session and I never feel like I have let Him down.

I am interested in hearing other's thoughts on the topic though.  Feel free to leave a comment and share your experience with safe words.  Do you have one?  Have you used it? How did you feel about using it or not using it? How did you come up with it? 





Thursday, August 8, 2013

What About a Mantra?

This is something I haven't talked much about except with a few people through private message.  A mantra can be very personal and while I share so much in my blogs, I wanted to keep something kind of private.  I did mention it my last post, and decided then, I was ready to share some thoughts on this subject even though the actual words will remain my own.

Near the beginning of our dynamic, Master laid out my mantra for me.  He really does know me better than I know myself in many respects so it made sense, plus I was still so uneducated on submission, I hadn't even heard of using a mantra much less the benefits that could be gained from this daily ritual. 

Master knew my weaknesses and the changes I had to make in order to be the submissive He needed, and created a mantra that would tackle each of these insecurities, hang-ups, obstacles...whatever you want to call it. 

My day starts by focusing on who I belong to and retraining my brain to replace the ideas and self-doubts that impede my complete surrender.   Each morning while in the shower, I recite these 5 sentences.  No sentence in my Mantra begins with "I", instead referring only to myself with the name given to me by my Master.  Now, of course my permanent name is Nightbird, but it changed several times as we were working through the different stages of training. 

One of my biggest obstacles, and I have mentioned this before is that I tend to question everything.  It was completely second nature and definitely a remnant behavior of my vanilla life.  Also, we have so much going on in day to day life, it was easy for me to get sucked in and lose my focus.  So my first line is a commitment to focus and "do" without questions.

I have never been overtly sexual or comfortable viewing myself as a sexual being.  As a middle aged mom with two daughters, I lost more and more of myself, my needs, my wants and my desires.  So, the next 2 lines of my mantra is a reminder that I am to become Master's "fuck toy" by looking, acting, and dressing in a slutty way for Him and using any of my assets to bring Him pleasure.

The last line is dedicated to understanding that my body completely belongs to Him.  I am no longer in control of what is done with and to my body.  Every part of me is to be available, at any time, for His use.  Also, should He choose, I will be expected to submit to anyone He should deem appropriate. 

The first few weeks I felt pretty awkward saying these words out loud to nothing but the air and even as I said it...I knew it lacked conviction.  I tried to have faith that if I said it enough, I might start to believe it. 

One day in particular, I was really struggling mentally and frustrated with some assignment I had been tasked to complete and wanted so badly to mouth off or make excuses like I had so many times before.  Instead, I stopped myself and began to recite the first line of my mantra over and over again in my head. 

What I realized is that my mantra had quite effectively replaced negative thoughts with positive ones and these words had the power to still my mind!!

Saying my mantra is no longer something I just perform like a "task" and is not reserved just for the morning shower. 

It is my constant reminder.

It brings me peace.

It instills confidence.

It provides direction.

It is one of the many tools that I now possess that better my service and submission. 



Sunday, August 4, 2013

How I Became Submissive

Lately, several people have asked, "How did you become submissive?"  or "How did you and your husband get started in this dynamic after living a vanilla life so long?" 

Well, I can certainly say it wasn't an easy decision and was not an easy change in our life together. 

In my earlier writings, I have admitted to previously being the very vanilla partner.  My husband, however, as long as we have been married, has never been vanilla.  His kinks were and are very deep and quite frankly scared the shit out of me.  After much fighting though the years, to keep me happy, He sacrificed His needs and we lived a vanilla life with me pretty much in charge of everything.   

It's taken me years to work through the demons of my past and when I finally looked at what was lacking in our relationship and intimacy, I thought long and hard on the discussions we had in the past about His needs. 

The lightbulb finally came on in my head and I sat down with my Husband sometime around the beginning of June in 2012 and said " I am really ready to try things your way".  His initial reaction, and rightly so, was skepticism.  I had told Him this in the past but only made it through one of two kinky days of sex and then would fall apart.  He wasn't willing to open Himself up to this type of disappointment again and I really didn't blame Him.

We continued talking about it for several days and experimented with a couple of fairly mild BDSM sessions.  Previously, my reaction to BDSM had always been to burst out crying or completely shut down emotionally.  So in these first few sessions, He worked very hard to read my body language, not push me too far, and I fought the urge to shut down.  To my amazement, I started to experience just how powerful our connection was when I submitted my body to Him. 

Things rocked along pretty good for a couple of weeks and then I started feeling overwhelmed.  I talked to my Husband about needing more from Him in the decision making aspect of our life.  It was too difficult for me to be the dominant one in my job and home life, and then let all that go the moment we got into the bedroom. 

Even though I didn't understand at the time, my Husband certainly understood that basically I was seeking a  D/s dynamic. 

So starting with one rule, I was told that I could no longer curse.  Breaking the rule usually resulted in, what I would consider now, a mild spanking. 

By the end of June, my Husband had drafted a contract which explicitly outlined each of our roles, rules, expectations, etc.  and clearly indicated a huge lifestyle change.  This was about to get real!!

In previous posts, I have already discussed why this contract was so important for us, but the short version is that when I signed that contract, I made a conscious decision to surrender all of myself to Him. 

I promised to trust His decisions and guidance, obey His commands, and serve in any way pleasing to Him. 

So what did the next 6 months look like??

I didn't start my blogging until the beginning of 2013, so I realized there is several months, and quite possible the most important months that are completely unaccounted for.  As we struggled, my Husband (who I will call Master from this point forward), was pouring through research to educate Himself. 

The one thing He learned was how important it is for your sub to journal, so this soon became a requirement for me.  It helped me process and work through some of my emotions in a non-threatening manner.  He could then read and see where my head was at, what I liked, and what I didn't like. 

He assigned more rules and tasks and this is where we started having some issues.  My vanilla reactions to being told what to do were not easy to break.  I learned quickly that sighing and eye-rolling were definitely a no-no and failure to do what was expected meant punishment.   

I was easily frustrated because I have so much going on every day in my life and it was easy to forget the little tasks I had been assigned.  To no avail, I fought tooth and nail making excuses for myself.

We had discussions about positive feedback.  There was a point in time where I felt the only feedback I was getting was negative, which was discouraging to my submission.  Master acknowledged that He was not so good in this area and worked to provide more of a balance. 

Eventually, as the current rules and tasks became routine, He would know it was time to add another.

I studied new cock sucking techniques/tricks or anything else that would be helpful in satisfying his sexual needs.  

We worked on learning some basic slave positions, increasing my pain tolerance by intermingling pain and pleasure, and some basics in humiliation.  I know that sounds horrible but was necessary in our relationship to re-program my status as no longer the equal partner and it just so happens to be a huge turn on for Him.  I was also introduced to my mantra, various punishment techniques, and maintenance spankings.   

Overall, some days were good and some were not so good.  On the bad days, when we were both ready to give up, He would ask if I wanted out of the contract.  This was like a slap to the face for me and would only mean one thing...FAILURE!!  Acceptance in all things was what I had committed to. So, I would simply commit myself to trying harder and taking each day as it came...never looking forward and never looking backwards. 

At the beginning of the year, my Master charged me with starting a blog rather than journaling. I had not become a member of Fetlife at that point and had never spoken to anyone within the lifestyle.  I felt like this little island with no one to talk to except my Master, and let's face it, sometimes you need to talk to someone else.  Despite how much I hated that idea of a blog, I did as I was told and was quite discouraged that no one seemed to be reading it. 

After a month or so, all of that changed.  I was receiving encouragement from people that didn't even know me but liked my posts and shared my experiences and I could just feel this feeding my submission.  Things got even better once I started meeting people and attending local events.

The rest of the story (how we moved from D/s to M/s)...well I think it all pretty well documented but it started when I expressed desire to be collared, which is something I never thought would have interested me.

Remember, everyone's experience will be different.  For those of you just starting out, find what feeds your submission!!

It's a journey, don't expect change overnight.  Most importantly, have fun and as someone once told me..."Embrace the Journey"!


Thursday, August 1, 2013

Never Forget the Hairbrush or Ruler

Yesterday, after spending several sexually frustrating days out of town on our family vacation, we are driving home and can't even carry on an adult conversation with the little ears in the back seat listening to every word we say. 

As I am sitting in the passenger seat gazing off in the distance, my phone vibrates and Master had just sent me a text...from the driver's seat.  It reads, "get a pen and paper and in 1 minute name 10 different things that you can be paddled with, not including things like floggers, switches, crops". 

I find my pen and paper and quickly start trying to come up with my list.  Quite obviously my memory, or imagination. is still on vacation because I can only come up with about five things. 

Now, in my defense, I would actually like to blame it on the fact that even just in that one minute, my youngest daughter asked me at least two different questions, completely disrupting my concentration. 

Nonetheless, Master was not pleased with my incomplete list and quickly reminded me of the two that I never should have forgotten, especially since one of them I am required to carry in my purse at all times. 

When we got home and settled in, not only did I get a thorough spanking with each of the first 5 implements on the list below, but He set aside a special spanking later in the evening for two very specific ones I had forgotten. 

So, my suggestion is...if you ever find yourself trapped in a car with your very sexually frustrated sadistic Dom, and are asked to provide a list of padding implements, please pay very close attention to the following list:

1) Wooden Spoon - Balsa
2) Wooden Spoon - Bamboo
3) Slotted Wooden Spoon
4) Thick Heavy Slotted Spoon - This thing is very heavy and about 1 inch thick. 
5) Spatula
6) Ping Pong Paddle
7) Flip Flop
8) Leather Paddle

Never...ever...forget the RULER or the HAIBRUSH!! 

Unless waking up with a bruised ass is your thing!!