Monday, June 22, 2015

Not sure I want "THIS"

Yes...unfortunately, I said those exact words.  I think He was stunned and not all too happy, although he was quick to assure me I was right to say something.   

A far cry from my last few posts, I know.  Everything just seemed to be "clicking".  But emotions can be like shifting sands, changing direction quickly at times. And since I haven't been posting much lately, it's hard to accurately and completely portray the ups and downs.  I just assumed things would right themselves, as they usually do.

It was just an off day.  Ok...maybe an off week. 

Life has been extremely chaotic the last six weeks and Heron (who I will now go back to referring to as Daddy) had been giving me a good bit of leeway, which I consciously tried not to take advantage of.  But maybe I underestimated just how far I had drifted.

Things bothered me that normally don't.  The urge to resist was strong.  There was a sharp edge of truth in my playful banter.  I had even "jokingly" mentioned I needed a day to just be an asshole.  What the hell would possess me to say that?  As you can imagine, He didn't find it very amusing.  

Droopy (or droppy) feelings and hormones were definitely playing a part.  And I thought it best to let it pass, ride out the storm.  I've done it before, mostly in the beginning but not so much lately.  Maybe just a handful of times in the past couple years, have I doubted my desire for submission.

My thoughts tend to go kind of like this...

Yes, it is what He needs and wants.  And it is undoubtedly what works best for us.  But is all of "THIS"...what I need or want? 

I was struggling, the mental tug of war playing havoc in my head.  And then He is hovering over me as I laid on the bed. He kisses me and whispers "I need more from you".

Why does this statement scare me so much.  Perhaps it makes me feel inadequate, like I am not strong enough in my service or submission to Him and that I am somehow failing.  Or maybe, it is the unknown depth of "MORE".  Maybe it's both.

But what exactly does "MORE" encompass?

I know the answer to that question now.  "More" simply means that He needs more of me.  Thankfully, not a reflection of my submission at all and not an expectation of needing more from me. I feel like such a girl over-complicating such a simple statement.

But at the time, the fear of "MORE" is what made me crack.  My resolve to "let it pass" fell by the wayside as I started babbling about struggling and wondering if I wanted all of this anymore. 

He was calm and understanding, reminding me that He made an agreement to end dynamic if and I when the time came. But the look in His eyes broke my heart the moment the words came out.

On one hand, I wished I hadn't said anything.  On the other hand, getting the words out meant they weren't gumming up the works anymore.  The truth is, I didn't want to go back.  Is there really ever any going back anyways? 

I just needed my feelings to be heard and acknowledged, to know that in theory, we have a choice. Because not having a choice means my submission is not freely given.

We tabled the discussion at the time, agreeing that if I was hormonal/emotional, it wasn't the time to talk about it.  And as I suspected, the feelings passed and we talked about it and cleared everything up over the weekend.

He did indicate a shift in some expectations and for the time being, I am only to refer to him as Daddy.  Not sure exactly why, but I trust that He has a reason. 



  1. 'I just needed my feelings to be heard and acknowledged, to know that in theory, we have a choice. Because not having a choice means my submission is not freely given. '

    so much this xxx ((((hugs))) i don't ALWAYS blog about it but I struggle often which infuriates me no end, not least because I'M the one who needs this and brought it to the table! Hormones suck xxx

    1. Thank you kitten. It does seem like many of us face our biggest struggles during the "hormonal" phase of the month. As much as I am aware of it, it's like a train wreck that can't be stopped! It does suck. LOL

    2. You said it so eloquently. It's just about the acknowledgement our submission is given freely.

  2. I wouldnt say it unfortunate that you said those words, its brought about a discussion that you both perhaps needed, it is important to be heard.

    We set aside Sunday evenings for time to talk,to discuss the past week, to get things out in the open, if i have things i need to discuss in detail, or he does, its just simply a time to re-connect with one another, when he is busy during the week, and normal stuff, house, running around with the kids etc.

    Perhaps referring to him as Daddy all the time is a way of focusing on what that means to you both? reinforce the mindset.


    1. A weekly discussion is a great idea, Tori. I think sometimes we take for granted that while we talk alot, we may not necessarily be reflecting. And when things are going well, it's easy to let those discussions slide and that's when the "yuck" creeps up on you.

      And I agree, the "Daddy" is definitely a way to reset the focus and it's a bit softer side of our dynamic.

  3. Oh sweetie as they say "this too shall pass" the ups and downs, I think we all go through them, sometimes I think that we are all going through them at the same time. How that is possible, I do not know but it must be some force of nature. You two will figure this out as you have done so many times before. Sending hugs. K

    1. Hugs back to you K. You know we are two peas in a pod, right?! The forces of nature that brought us together are still at work:) Ups and downs are inevitable and it's a time to learn.

  4. If there is one thing I have learned from this lifestyle is that hormones suck! ....and that these times always bring us closer....and also that I can never go back...ok several things! Be grateful even for the down times as I believe this is where we learn and grow. .hugs to you

    1. You are absolutely right slave guenivere...on all accounts:) Thanks for the hugs.

  5. I did a copy of the same line mckitten did.

    "I just needed my feelings to be heard and acknowledged, to know that in theory, we have a choice. Because not having a choice means my submission is not freely given."

    Very, very important concept to acknowledge and share with others!! Submission is a choice, it is your side of the consentual exchange.

    You are being honest to yourself and to Heron (Daddy), that is MOST important. What comes out of that honesty will be the best for you both! We all evolve, as does our dynamic, and you two have a strong commitment to love each other no matter what!

    Hugs and more hugs to you my friend! I am so happy that you two had a great discussion and that you were able to get that feeling off your chest!!!

    Here for you if you need a chat!

    1. Pearl...thank you so much (as always). And I do know that no matter what...even if our dynamic ended, he would love me the same. But once you have that connection and's the part that is hard to imagine letting go of.

      Not to mention, once I learned how fulfilling it was to do what pleases him (as well as the disappointment when I don't), I just don't think is a part of me that I can "unlearn".

      I don't know if any of that made sense. It did in my head anyways:)


  6. You said it perfectly.

    "I just needed my feelings to be heard and acknowledged, to know that in theory, we have a choice. Because not having a choice means my submission is not freely given. "

    Thank you for your honest post. It really helped me today. :)

    1. Hi Master's Pet. I haven't seen you around much lately but I am so glad that this post spoke to you. Hope all is well and sending positive thoughts your way:)