The Truth

He once told me,

As I walked out the door,

Trying to turn my back on our life together, 

"No one will ever love you like I do".

What cruel words I thought.

Now I realize, He was speaking only the most sincere truth.

Embracing "The Girl"

As a child, I was always very adult like, partly because I was mature for my age, but mostly just because this was expected of me. Not that my childhood was horrible. But being "a child" was discouraged. I also grew up believing that I didn't have a voice, that I was responsible for others happiness, and I always had to be strong.

As an adult, life has dealt some pretty shitty blows. This is no different than anyone else, I realize that. But it's always been my job to hold it all together - be strong for everyone around me. Even when I wanted and needed to be the one to fall apart.

As a slave, I understand that sometimes I still don't have a say. And while I may not be responsible for His happiness, I am responsible for being pleasing by doing what is expected. At times, being a slave requires a strength that I feel I have acquired over my lifetime.

But for the first time in my life, I have finally accepted that someone else can and wants to take care of me in return. It's okay to feel small, to let down your walls, to allow yourself to feel just a bit needy. There is safety and security in trusting someone so completely.

Finally, I am learning to embrace "the girl" I never was.

Trust Issues...Who Me?

It's hard enough when you have to yourself acknowledge that you see a flaw in your being.  It's even harder when your significant other knows you better than you know yourself sometimes. 

But what's harder than accepting either of those? 

When your kids are the ones who point out something about your character...a side that you try so hard to hide so as to not jade them in their youth.  The side of you that tries to be positive because you desperately don't want live with negativity surrounding your life.  The side of you that wants to believe people are inherently good but knows that there is so much evil in the world. 

My youngest, out of the blue, the other day tells me that I have "trust issues".  Her and her sister had been talking about it she said.

Gut punch...number 1!

Sheesh...my kids are now at the age where they can not only analyze me but are discussing these things about me.  Unfortunately, I can't say that it's not entirely true.  Hell, it took me nearly 20 years to completely trust my own husband.  I trusted Him with my heart...just not my mind or my body.    

So, I ask older daughter about it during the course of a conversation later that evening.  She said she just felt that I had a lot of bad stuff happen in my life...things that had made me cynical and reluctant to trust people. .

Gut punch...number 2!

Now I am cynical and have trust issues.  Exactly the characteristics I see in my parents that I have tried so hard to overcome.

But it's true and that's a hard fact to face. 

When something unknown or uncomfortable is placed in front of me, my mind jumps to all the possible worse case scenarios and outcomes. This has been one of the biggest hurdles for me to overcome in my submission.   

When I do finally open up enough to truly let someone in...god forbid they break my trust.

And if I even begin to sense that I could be hurt or disappointed, my walls go back up and it seems I don't know how to ever let that person back in.

So now I am left to wonder what example I have set for my kids and how it will impact their outlook on life, love, and happiness.  

   

"A Place in My Heart"

VULNERABILITY...a word that has cropped up in a couple blogs here recently.  Whew...this is something I can identify with greatly at the moment.  And along with this extreme sense of vulnerability has come a whole host of emotions that have quite frankly caught me VERY off guard.

While I've learned that I can completely expose and trust Heron with my vulnerability, my life is changing and I am not used to trusting anyone else with that part of me.  Honestly, I have NEVER been able to fully trust anyone else, except Him.  But I shared something special with Chrysalis, exposed a part of myself and then that feeling of intense vulnerability set in.  Plain and simple, it scared the crap out of me.  I can be a bit cynical anyways, always believing that at some point, when something is too good, the other shoe is bound to fall.  So I resorted to what I used to do best and that was to push people away.  It’s what I do in a great effort to protect myself.  And once I begin frantically constructing my fortress, it's REALLY hard to stop. 

In my last post I said "we are all real people, with real emotions that can get caught up in the mix".  This is so very true...probably even more so than I realized when I wrote that post.  A bit of foreshadowing I suppose or perhaps I could already feel what was happening.

After the high of our threesome experience, the crash came.  The "oh my gosh...I just did that" moment hit and it hit hard.  Heron had experienced some of His own issues but had worked through it pretty early on and quickly.  For me, it took several more days for things to bubble to the surface. The three of us (myself, Chrysalis, and her husband) were to meet for more of the same this past Saturday but I knew my head was not in the right place.  Heron could see what was happening, the turmoil between my heart and my head.  I'm also sure He knew where it was coming from but He supported and encouraged me to do what I thought was best for ME.  So, I cancelled our weekend plans. There were a couple other things (discussions) that had happened earlier in the week that I was still grappling to fully understand.  Compound all of that with the ridiculous emotions of PMS, and well what we had brewing was a recipe for disaster. 

I withdrew so hard and so fast, I left everyone's head spinning in the wake.  Chrysalis and I had been very open and honest about some things, including our feelings for each other and that left me feeling extremely vulnerable and terrified of being hurt or hurting anyone else.  Things had moved quickly, very quickly in some respects and I needed to catch my breath.  And while I desperately feared losing her, I also needed to re-establish that I had come into this desiring more of a one-on-one situation with her.  What the three of us shared was awesome and I am certainly open to doing it again at some point, but I felt it important to stay true to my original intentions.   

So it was quite a roller coaster for a few days and mentally exhausting.  This week, we have backed up a bit, just spent some time reconnecting as friends first.  Her and I went for a really nice hike on Memorial Day Monday and met for lunch yesterday.  Just being around her always makes me peaceful and happy. We've spent a lot of time talking about our past, and I think we both have a greater understanding and appreciation for how and why we react to certain situations. 

And the rest...well it's slowly falling back into place but she's letting it flow at my pace right now. 

The moral of the story...no matter how ready you think you are...there may very well be some unexpected emotions.  But Heron has been there every step of the way while I process all of this and if it's even possible, I think we are even stronger for it.

Where it Feels Right

There was a time, I swore to kneel for no man.

And though it seemed awkward at first,

eventually I knelt for you.

Now, I come often and quite willingly,

 to kneel beside your chair, sometimes resting my head on your leg,

Not only does it drown out the chaos,

but nothing else in the world feels so natural.  

Leading Me Gently

Seems a topic that has come up in a couple of blogs that I have read lately is the idea of introducing another person into the dynamic (specifically speaking...a girl/girl encounter).  I've also spent some time recently talking with a FL friend about this...quizzing her about some of her new experiences and discussing some of the questions I have.  

I suppose everyone has differing opinions and their own reasons for doing it or not doing it, whichever the case may be. For us, going down this road would certainly push my boundaries and take me out of my comfort zone, but more than anything, it's about Daddy encouraging me to do something that I have fantasized about for a long time. 

Now, I would be lying if I said that the idea of it didn't turn Him on as well.  I mean what guy isn't excited about a little girl/girl action?  But He doesn't really feel the need to participate or even watch, at least not in the beginning.  He wants me to have an opportunity to explore and become comfortable without the added pressure of Him being involved.

And I could be wrong, but I don't get the feeling that this is one of those issues He wants to force.  Of course, He knows I would submit to whatever He desired.  But it feels more like He's just gently leading me there, which I appreciate because it's allowing me to work through my own fears and to develop my own interest and desire for it. 

Overall, do I feel that having this experience is necessary for mine or His happiness? Not at all.  I wouldn't go through life feeling like I had missed out on something if the opportunity just didn't present itself.

So, while this experience would fulfill of fantasy we both share, ultimately the physical pleasures would be for my enjoyment.  At least I assume I would enjoy it, but honestly, I have no way of knowing.  I just know the idea of it turns me on. And seeing it turns me on. So, I suspect I would be just fine as long as it was the right person and situation. But I know without a doubt, if left to my own devices, I would never have the courage or initiative to pursue it on my own.

Perhaps you remember my talking about  "story time" and how uncomfortable it makes me.  I find it really difficult to come up with new and different scenarios.     

Well, Daddy decided to help out this past week by providing me a set of pictures, 55 pictures to be exact, all downloaded in a file on my flash drive. He explained that the order and details in the images were very important as they would set the scene and tone of the story, as well as create a loose story line for me to develop and follow.

His goal was to lead me down a path.  And as long as I stayed on point, his path would help me create the type of story He wanted to hear. And I'm thinking now...maybe open my mind to some things in the process.

So what were these pictures, you ask?

The general theme was a woman being dominated and used by a group of women, in all various, sorted ways.  Whew...none of my stories had ever gone down that path before.  Dominated by and servicing a group of men...sure. But not women.  Those were always images safer tucked in the darkest recesses of my mind.  

This was certainly no easy task but I have to admit, it must have touched on some kind of nerve because certain parts of me enjoyed writing the story way too much.

Obviously, I have no direct experience with women so I also had to do some reading of other fantasy stories to draw inspiration. Between the reading and the writing, I was a horny little mess and beyond grateful when He suggested that I relieve some pressure.

It did take several days to complete and I even had to request permission for a little more time, but the end product was a 5 page story. And I'm not talking double spaced pages either!

In my opinion, the story itself was probably better than the delivery because the vocalization of it all still feels awkward.

But afterwards, Daddy told me that I will have an opportunity for plenty of practice since He was already working on pictures for Chapter 2!  sigh

So if go MIA from my blog for days at a time in the near future, it just might be because I am writing another chapter!

What It Was

Looking back, I really hate that I spent so many years complaining about sex.  I was always too tired, too this, too that.  Sex was something that should be on my schedule, when I wanted it, and dammit He should respect that!   

All the while, there was this wonderful man that loved me more than life itself and He "wanted" me.  In return, I made Him feel bad for that by complaining constantly and pushing Him away. 

Don't even get me started on how vehemently I hated blowjobs.  The fights we had over this were quite ridiculous.  Oh my gosh!  I even remember challenging Him on several occasions to show me a woman who enjoyed sucking cock after being married as long as we had.  "And if you can find her...be my guest", I would spew.  Glad He didn't take me up on that challenge! 

Wow!  How wrong I was in so many ways.  

The problem though was years of conditioning and listening to jaded people, not just as it related to sex but with all aspects of a relationship.  Rather than finding my own way and determining what worked for my marriage, I chose to become jaded myself.

The woman had to maintain control of the relationship...

The woman had to run the family and everything else because you couldn't expect a man to do it, much less do it right...

...bottom line...you couldn't TRUST a man.

Sadly, I look at all those examples I had in my life, and I see now what became or has now become of their marriages.  And maybe those circumstances were unavoidable in their lives, I don't know.

I never would have thought I wanted this life.  Even when I committed to it, I wasn't convinced it was for me and I definitely didn't think it was something I could maintain.

Well, it's been exactly two years now and yes, we've had our fair share of ups and downs.  Sometimes it's been out of this world amazing and sometimes it's just been hard as hell.  But honestly, I can't imagine it ever going back to the way it was.

No longer do I live with that jaded view of life and relationships.  Thankfully, I know now that it can be so much better than that! 
  

Mending Fences

It kind of goes without saying that this has been a week of reflection for us both.  We have spent quite a bit of time just being...relaxing together, catching up on the new show True Detective and talking about things a little at a time.

It upsets me that recent events threatened to unravel the fabric of our dynamic, but sometimes as unsettling as it can be, re-evaluation is necessary and in the end, hopefully helps us both to grow.

The issue was servicing others or being "loaned out" and it's not something I take lightly. I constantly struggle with the idea of it and always worry about any risks that could be introduced into our marriage and cause permanent damage.  While I had done it once in the past and did enjoy the experience, this time, the circumstances felt all wrong. I think He realizes that now as well.  Had I respectfully expressed my concerns at the time, He would have understood and agreed.  

Now, I don't consider myself at all bratty. He would never tolerate that. However, I admit to requiring a bit of affection and attention along with A LOT of reassurance.  Without proper attention given to the maintenance of our dynamic, the lack of intimacy and connection over the past few months have left me frustrated and feeling neglected, only working to steadily fuel my self-doubt and insecurities.  Rather than talk to Him about these issues, I withdrew into myself, hoping not to burden Him further.

I knew the moment He issued the order, I was far from the appropriate headspace and following through might very well have put my mental state in jeopardy.  Besides being angry, my first thought was he's too busy to want or need me for Himself so He is casting me aside and sending me elsewhere.   I needed Him and the security only He could provide me, not to be given away.

So, where are we now?

We know this isn't something that we want to give up.  It's not just something we do, it's who we are now.  We haven't been able to go about our days without feeling like something was just...missing.
 
He is determined to make more time for us so that our dynamic is fed and maintained because I need to feel His ownership.  It wouldn't be fair to expect me to meet all His needs, if I am left feeling that mine are not being met. 

We have discussed the issues I have with expectations of servicing other men and while I am not completely off the hook, He has offered me a reasonable compromise.

At this point, the ball is in my court.  The choice...whether I will accept the terms of my surrender with the understanding that if I disobey again, it will most definitely be the end of the dynamic.

 
Oh but there will be a little matter of punishment that I am due. Yikes...scary thinking how bad it's going to be, given that I stand accused of committing the cardinal sin in His book!

Decisions...decisions 

                

Now We Wait

 

 

Wait to talk about it...

 

Wait to see if we renegotiate our agreement...

 

Wait to see wait to see if we end our dynamic...

He needs time and space to figure out how, or if, we proceed.  His concern is that my disobedience will open the door to challenging Him next time. 

I don't see it that way, but it's not for me to see and not for me to decide.  I only know that as His slave, I am not afforded the choice to pick and choose the things in which I submit.  I submit as He desires and up to this point I always have, even when it has been most difficult. 

So what do you when you reach a point when you know you can't, or won't rather? 

I guess we all find out if pushed to that point.

Hopefully, there will be a way to work it out but if my continuing to be His slave hinges on my ability to follow through with this one thing, then I guess I have to prepare myself for the dynamic to end.

As sad as it makes me, I don't regret bringing the issue to light.  I only regret that it may have damaged the mutual trust we have in each other as Master and slave.

Luckily, our marriage is solid so we will be fine either way but it would just be different to go back.     

As of right now, I have been relieved of any and all of my duties and "obligations".  My collar is put away and I am free to be my own person.   

I cried a lot yesterday and felt like a little lost puppy trying to find ways to occupy my time and keep my brain from spinning in circles. 

It seemed weird after almost a year, to actually have the freedom to put on one my one of my beautiful bras but I have so been missing them.  So that was the first thing I did with my new found freedom. 

Thanks to everyone who reached out with support and encouragement.  I will keep you posted. 



 

Spicy or Regular

And I am not referring to sex...even though I'm pretty sure most of us would choose spicy for sure!

I am talking about pulling up at the Chick-fil-A drive thru the other day and Master says...

Your only choice is spicy or regular.

Well damn...I was actually going to get a salad.  

I simply answer spicy and He places my order for the spicy chicken deluxe combo.  

Food is not something that Master has exercised too much control over.  I have a pretty good grasp of what to eat, what not to eat, and exactly how much.  Sadly though, my relationship with food stems from years of eating disorders.  While sitting in that drive thru line, accepting that He was ordering for me, I reflected on my past and how it came to be that I was lucky enough to recover and how comforting it was, and still is, to give Him the control of something that had controlled me for a very long time.  

Poor self-image and control issues left me battling anorexia and bulimia throughout my teenage years.  When I hit my rock bottom, I was only 85 pounds and very sick.  I began the slow climb towards recovery, only because I knew that if I didn't, it would kill me.  Not long after my recovery, at 19 years old, I met the man I would eventually marry and who is now my Master.  

In the beginning, we were just like any normal boyfriend/girlfriend, learning everything there was to know about each other.  I remember sitting in His car one day and I confessed to my very personal battle with food and eating disorders. 

He sympathized and understood my struggle, but also informed me in no uncertain terms that if He ever suspected a relapse, He would take my ass straight to the hospital.  Since that time, I've always wanted to maintain a healthy weight but never again had any thoughts of turning down that path of self-destruction. Looking back, I think that was probably my first act of submission to Him.  

But twenty years later, my eating habits still tend to drive Him a bit nuts.  When we go out, He usually rolls His eyes and scoffs when I order because it's usually a salad or something on the lighter fare.  It's not that I diet or deny myself any particular food but I am very focused on portion control and shy away from eating junk or fast food.  More often than not, even if I do have a craving for something particularly bad, I will talk myself into the healthier option by the time I place my order.  


So, besides the fact that I think it was just hot and sexy when He ordered for me, I found a certain freedom in not making that decision. I didn't feel responsible for making the "right" food choice.  I ate what He chose for me simply because it's what He wanted and I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty or think oh I shouldn't have. 

























 

        

Push it to the Limit

A couple weeks back, it seemed that my new experience...

The Note

The Knock

The Slut

The Reclaiming

...sparked a bit of conversation about pushing limits.  The whole experience, from being on display nude and in a bondage situation, being played with in front of someone else, and orally serving another man in front of my Master, was all new territory for us both.  But pushing limits is definitely a touchy subject and can be a double edged sword.  It has the potential to bring Dom and sub closer or if not handled properly, can backfire in an instant. 

I want to back up a little and explain a little about my own personal limits.  When we started down this path, I knew that He would be training me to be His slave and at His request, I agreed to keep a completely open mind.  Yes, there were plenty of things that made me uncomfortable.  Hell, even being tied up made me uncomfortable.  But surrendering completely to Him meant that I had to trust the limits He established for us.  Setting my own limits, meant trusting my own judgement over His, therefore, I would in essence still be holding an element of control.

We do have a very short section in our contract dedicated to limits.  Things like branding, cutting, scarring, and deprivation of oxygen were hard limits even for Him.  I did insist on one thing to be added which I felt may be a physical trigger but have since learned that wasn't the case.

Admittedly, I was quite inexperienced in the realm of M/s, bdsm, and kink and I really didn't take the initiative to learn before making the commitment.  During the last year and a half, many times after a scene I have thought "WOW! Had I known He was going to try that, I would have wanted it added to my limits".  But on the other hand, my inexperience and lack of research really did keep my mind open and in the end I have found a deeper trust in my Master and enjoyed things I would have never considered before.  Not that I am recommending this philosophy, it's just the way it worked out for me.

If you are in an newer relationship, particularly a D/s or bdsm relationship, the other person isn't going to know every intricate detail of your likes/dislikes, and more importantly your potential triggers.  I would think in this situation, it's very important that you have a voice when setting limits.  Then later down the road you can renegotiate once you trust that this person has your best interest at heart.


I do firmly believe that discussion should take place before pushing any limits, but most particularly hard limits.  It is expected that a Dom will push a soft limit when they feel you might be ready but a hard limit warrants discussion and consent to me.   

So, how do you know when you are ready to re-evaluate your hard limit? 
 
Allowing someone to push your limits is really all about trust.  But no matter how much you trust someone, you may find there are some limits which are never meant to be pushed, particularly if you fear a significant personal negative reaction or loss of well being.  You have to be confident, regardless of whether you end up enjoying the experience or not, that you can handle the outcome and if you can't be sure, then you owe it to yourself to stand by the limits you established.   

But the fact of the matter is that limits can and do change over time.  Many times, the limiting factor is simply fear of the unknown.  Once you experience it, you realize, oh that wasn't a big deal.  Then a year down the road, when you love it more than anything, you wonder why on earth that was ever a limit.   


As you gain more experience and find more confidence within yourself, it is natural to want to explore boundaries.  A good Dom will also find ways to challenge you to explore your limits.   He shouldn't cross the line, because this may cause an irreparable breach in trust, but He may skirt the edge a little testing the waters until you are ready.   Maybe...just maybe...the idea of something will excite you when it didn't before.  This...is your mind opening to new possibilities.

Even though I find myself in a situation where the only thing the defines my boundaries are when He has reached His, He still  understands where my fears or insecurities lie.  He knows when to push and when not to push.  But some of that is because we have been together so long.  We have a marriage and a family that have to be considered so He wouldn't make a decision that would jeopardize all that we have.  Where there may be an issue of how I may handle something in particular, He works me there in baby steps, never pushing too hard or too fast.


He has also spent years learning about my fantasies...from the simple to the deepest and darkest.  While I am deathly afraid of experiencing certain things, I never considered them hard limits and  from the beginning, I understood He may eventually begin the slow process of bringing those fantasies to life. 

Well, I have gone on and on much longer than I had planned to but the most important thing to remember is that pushing limits all comes down to one thing and that is trust. 

Trust in yourself to know when you are ready for limits to be pushed and trust in your Dom to be there as your support and to push your limits without pushing your buttons. 




 

To Safeword...or Not to Safeword

Disclaimer: Before reading this please understand that this is a choice we made in our relationship and I am not suggesting that anyone reject the idea of using a "safe word".  

A safe word is a code, word, or group of words used in BDSM which the submissive can use to communicate his or her physical or mental condition to the dominant.  Depending on what has been discussed between the dominant and submissive, some safe words can merely mean to slow down or reduce the intensity, while some safe words will end the scene all together. 

One might notice, I have never mentioned the use of a safe word when describing my sessions.  That's because we don't have one.  Some people practice the safe, sane, consensual (SCC) philosophy, but Master and I lean more towards risk-aware consensual kink (RACK). 

In educating myself, I found that most information stressed the importance of safe words and the negotiating this aspect of safety prior to playing.  Master and I talked about it several times over a period of a few months, but ultimately His position was that we didn't need one.  At the time, I didn't quite agree but I made a choice not to push the issue. 

Just to be clear...
Had we not been married...
Had I not trusted His skills...
Had I not known that this man would lay down His life for me...
I would have insisted on a safe word!!

What I have learned is that not having a safe word boils completely down to TRUST.  Just because you trust someone though, should you abandon the idea of having a safe word?  No way!!  For me, this is a trust that comes from being with someone 20 years and knowing that He absolutely means no harm and is in complete control of Himself at all times.  

Yes, there are days that I cannot tolerate as much pain as others but He is so in tune with every one of my body signals, it's easy for Him to determine when it's time to push my limits and when it's not.  If I had a safe word, not only would I feel like a complete failure for using it (or even thinking of using it) but I would feel as if I was honoring the trust I have in Him.  I would be relying on my own judgment to stop Him or the scene.

He would no longer be the Master of me...I would be. 

On top of that, the constant internal dialogue in my head of "should I safe word or not" would be so distracting, I would never be able to focus and enjoy the experience or the connection between us. 

He is very conscious of the fact that my ability to tolerate pain is not an equal match for His need to give it, and because of that, He takes a lot of responsibility to keep Himself from getting too caught up in the moment.  Even though I feel at times He might have been able to push me farther, He earns more of my trust by stopping a little early and leaving me wanting.  His axiom, is actually "there is no shame in leaving you wanting". 

Maybe this isn't true for everyone else, but personally, I would be reluctant to repeat any experience that pushed me so far that I had to call mercy. 

Most importantly, He keeps scenes flexible by not really sharing with me what He has planned.  This allows Him to make adjustments depending on my reactions and body signals.  He may choose to push a little further, change the direction or flow of things, or He may decide to cut it short.  No matter what, He has maintained control of the session and I never feel like I have let Him down.

I am interested in hearing other's thoughts on the topic though.  Feel free to leave a comment and share your experience with safe words.  Do you have one?  Have you used it? How did you feel about using it or not using it? How did you come up with it?