Not sure I want "THIS"

Yes...unfortunately, I said those exact words.  I think He was stunned and not all too happy, although he was quick to assure me I was right to say something.   

A far cry from my last few posts, I know.  Everything just seemed to be "clicking".  But emotions can be like shifting sands, changing direction quickly at times. And since I haven't been posting much lately, it's hard to accurately and completely portray the ups and downs.  I just assumed things would right themselves, as they usually do.

It was just an off day.  Ok...maybe an off week. 

Life has been extremely chaotic the last six weeks and Heron (who I will now go back to referring to as Daddy) had been giving me a good bit of leeway, which I consciously tried not to take advantage of.  But maybe I underestimated just how far I had drifted.

Things bothered me that normally don't.  The urge to resist was strong.  There was a sharp edge of truth in my playful banter.  I had even "jokingly" mentioned I needed a day to just be an asshole.  What the hell would possess me to say that?  As you can imagine, He didn't find it very amusing.  

Droopy (or droppy) feelings and hormones were definitely playing a part.  And I thought it best to let it pass, ride out the storm.  I've done it before, mostly in the beginning but not so much lately.  Maybe just a handful of times in the past couple years, have I doubted my desire for submission.

My thoughts tend to go kind of like this...

Yes, it is what He needs and wants.  And it is undoubtedly what works best for us.  But is all of "THIS"...what I need or want? 

I was struggling, the mental tug of war playing havoc in my head.  And then He is hovering over me as I laid on the bed. He kisses me and whispers "I need more from you".

Why does this statement scare me so much.  Perhaps it makes me feel inadequate, like I am not strong enough in my service or submission to Him and that I am somehow failing.  Or maybe, it is the unknown depth of "MORE".  Maybe it's both.

But what exactly does "MORE" encompass?

I know the answer to that question now.  "More" simply means that He needs more of me.  Thankfully, not a reflection of my submission at all and not an expectation of needing more from me. I feel like such a girl over-complicating such a simple statement.

But at the time, the fear of "MORE" is what made me crack.  My resolve to "let it pass" fell by the wayside as I started babbling about struggling and wondering if I wanted all of this anymore. 

He was calm and understanding, reminding me that He made an agreement to end dynamic if and I when the time came. But the look in His eyes broke my heart the moment the words came out.

On one hand, I wished I hadn't said anything.  On the other hand, getting the words out meant they weren't gumming up the works anymore.  The truth is, I didn't want to go back.  Is there really ever any going back anyways? 

I just needed my feelings to be heard and acknowledged, to know that in theory, we have a choice. Because not having a choice means my submission is not freely given.

We tabled the discussion at the time, agreeing that if I was hormonal/emotional, it wasn't the time to talk about it.  And as I suspected, the feelings passed and we talked about it and cleared everything up over the weekend.

He did indicate a shift in some expectations and for the time being, I am only to refer to him as Daddy.  Not sure exactly why, but I trust that He has a reason. 



      

Life Hurts

 
This was a tough weekend in our house. Helping a daughter go through that first horrible break-up is one way to turn everyone's life upside down.

It's gut-wrenching to watch your child experience the kind of lying, betrayal, and pain that relationships can often bring.  As a naive 18 year old, she has the most trusting soul and really sees only the good in people.

The worst part...Daddy and I knew this guy's story from the day we met him.  As we watched her fall fast, we warned her about his type and the road that lay ahead, knowing there was nothing we could do except wait for the pieces to fall. 

In the end, our warnings peaked her curiosity enough to seek the truth. And then, she was left to make the toughest decision in her life so far.

But it doesn't feel any better when your child calls sobbing and choking out the words "you were right".  Picking up the fragile pieces of your child's broken heart...well it just sucks.  

Her and I spent a lot of time together this weekend.  In between the bouts of crying, there was a lot of talking and plenty of movie watching.  But it was Daddy's conversation with her last night that seemed to help the most. It wasn't a comfortable conversation for Him, I'm sure.  He tends to leave the love and relationship stuff to me.

But He has such a way with all of us. He is our strength and stability when we need it most.  And I honestly don't know what we would ever do without Him.

Good Sport

Hopefully everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving with family and is surviving the Black Friday shopping if you chose to go out and brave that craziness today.  We, on the other hand, have yet another Thanksgiving meal to get through.  Yesterday was my family, today is Daddy's.  And thinking about all this food and how stuffed I am, reminds me of our date night last week.

Last Friday night, Daddy and I went out for dinner. As we were exiting the freeway, He voiced His concerns about my recent eating habits and how my need to control food was beginning to manifest itself again. 

When He and I met, no one in my life knew about the 3 year battle I had just overcome with eating disorders. I don't know why I felt compelled to share it with Him so quickly in our relationship, except for the fact that I just trusted Him that much.  I will never forget His words...If I ever catch you having problems like that again, I will take you straight to the hospital.  Yikes!!  Sounded harsh but I loved Him even more for caring that much.

And while I don't struggle like I did as a teenager, the actual mindset and counting of calories is an ever-present balancing act, never letting myself get too carried away one direction or the other.  But since we've started eating paleo, I've lost a few extra pounds that I really didn't need to. It wasn't intentional, but we have eliminated pretty much all grains and processed foods.

He doesn't usually choose to control my food but apparently this was an area He was temporarily taking over.  And while I truly appreciate that He cares enough about my overall well-being to notice what I eat and don't eat, I could already feel the panic welling up inside me at the thought of being made to put these pounds back on.   

So we sit down at our table and when the waitress comes to ask for our drink order, she first looks at me, which is always a bit uncomfortable as I shift my eyes to Him.  He promptly asks for her to bring me a pina colada and then orders an unsweet tea for Himself. 

When she returned with the drinks and to take our dinner order, my menu was closed and lying on the table and I was already looking to Him hoping she would understand my gesture. 

His choice was actually what I had eyed on the menu so I was pleased...butterflied chicken breast with a balsamic raspberry glaze and broccoli.

While waiting for dinner to come, I was slowly sipping on my drink and noticed He was already scouring the menu for my next drink. I tried reasoning with Him that I didn't need another drink, since I had also had one at home as well, but of course, that didn't work. 

He stopped her as she walked by, asking what drink she would recommend. Oh, she just got so excited. 

"Sir, I just love the black and blue margarita.  It's my absolute favorite.  Would you like me to bring you one?"

No, I don't drink but you can bring one for my wife.

She giggles a little and heads off with a promise of returning shortly. 

The second drink arrives and is bigger than the first. Might as well have been a darn fish bowl and I still had half the pina colada!! 

So I am working on this monster of a margarita. Dinner comes and I barely manage to get through about half of it.  He was fine with me taking the rest home but already knew what was coming next.  The waitress returns and asks Him if she can bring me another margarita.  

Ah...she was catching on now. 

I gave my somewhat fake, overly-pleasant laugh and said "please, don't instigate Him".  They both laughed at me and He tells her "No drink, but she'll have the brownie sundae". 

Eventually, I manage to down both drinks and several bites of the brownie sundae but that was it. I was done and honestly didn't care if I was in trouble or not.  There wasn't another bite or sip of anything going in my mouth and had He forced the issue, I surely would have broken down and cried (and probably thrown up) right there in the restaurant. 

Thankfully, He didn't press any further. He asked if I was finished and I nodded my head in defeat, and I watched as He polished off the dessert.

When she came back to bring us the check she said in the sweetest and southern voice, "I do hope ya'll come back and see me.  You two are just so much fun". And then looked at me and said "and you are just such a good sport".

All I could think was Lady, you have no idea!

A Question of Title

I don't know how many others have experienced this, or how many people knew this about me, but I had such a hard time in the beginning referring to my husband as Master.  It was one of the most uncomfortable things I have ever had to make myself say.  Later, when He insisted on me calling Him Daddy, well that certainly didn't come any easier, probably harder in all honesty.  

I'm so glad one of my readers asked me about this the other day. He explained that his sub was very shy about calling him Master and he was wondering if I had ever felt this way.  This is absolutely something I can relate to and his question made me really stop and think about the reason why.

First off, as a child, I wasn't raised to use a names of respect such as Sir or Ma'am for anyone.  There were times my father would command me to call him Sir, but that was only when He was in a foul mood or mad at me. So...like any normal kid, I was pretty much like efff that! The way I looked at it, he had done little as a father to earn my respect and Sir WAS NOT coming out of my mouth just because he wanted to put me in my place at that particular moment.

So, I know for me, respect plays a big part. 

However, I think the biggest hurdle I had to overcome was that verbal acknowledgement of having a lower status. It was one thing for Him dominate me, humiliate me, and even say it himself but it was another for me to set my pride aside and say it myself.  

So what finally made it easier?

Well mostly writing it here in my blog.  Being forced to say it over and over again in the bedroom, when I was most vulnerable and pliable. also helped.  And really, I had called Him by His name or some other term of endearment for 20 years.  So learning to call Him something different just took time.  

Outside the bedroom though...He just isn't one to be overly concerned with titles. 

Thank you for the question!

Just A Hug

Who doesn't love a great big hug?

Well here's a reason to get or give even more of them.

Did you know that the simple act of hugging has actual health benefits?

Maybe you already knew that but I didn't until recently.  I remember this one day in particular a few months back.  It had been a really stressful kind of day.  The kind where you just want to curl up in a ball and wish it all away.

When Daddy came home from work, He just wrapped me in His arms and told me that I needed a hug.  It was a long hug.  The kind where after a few minutes you get kind of squirmy and uncomfortable, especially when you aren't really in the mood.  When He let go, He explained that He had read a study that claimed hugging actually brings down elevated heart rates and can reduce blood pressure.

He hugged me again and told me just to focus on His heart beat.  For the first time that I really can recall, I just allowed myself to melt into His embrace and focus on the slow beat of His heart between us.  This sounds crazy but it didn't take long before I relaxed, my breathing slowed and I could feel my heart slowing down and now beating with His.  

I know...I know...too gushy.  But that's not my point here.  My point is that it took less than a minute and I felt truly calmed and centered. 

The great thing is...it actually works for both people in the embrace.

For those of you that don't know, I am a scientist so I take very little at face value.  I will research just about anything to find the "facts".  I NEED data!!  And this was no different.  I had to find out why this worked. 

What I found is that this is a proven phenomenon.

Just ten seconds of hugging can lower blood pressure. 

Levels of oxytocin (yes, the same chemical used to induce labor), often referred to as "love hormones" increase, while the amounts of stress chemicals, including cortisol, decrease.  While oxytocin's role in the body is still pretty complex and unclear, it does seem to have a variety of benefits, both in helping people create positive social interactions and in combating stress. 

A long hug also increases the serotonin levels in your body.  Serotonin is a chemical which can elevate our mood, combat depression, and can actually play a role in our overall cardiovascular health. 

Hugs also help by boosting your immune system. The gentle pressure on the sternum and the emotional charge this creates can stimulates the thymus gland, which regulates and balances the body's production of white blood cells and white blood cells fight infection, keeping you healthy and disease free. 

So, you see, we may need sex, spankings, and other kinky stuff for our mental and physical health but sometimes...we just need a hug!!

Thank you Daddy for hugging me every day and knowing just the moment I need one the most.

“We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.” - Virginia Satir


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxytocin
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2230972/Embrace-hugging--good-you.html#ixzz3Cq4VxMuc
http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/serotonin
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-5756/10-Reasons-Why-We-Need-at-Least-8-Hugs-a-Day.html

Chaos is the Law of Nature

I had intended for my 200th post to be something really good, and I did have a topic in mind I wanted to write about.  But that will have to wait for later because my brain is just not going to wrap itself around anything like that right now.

Ever have one of those nights that just erupts into chaos?  One minute everything is rocking along just fine and the next, you wondered what the hell happened?

Oh boy, have we have had one of those nights.  I think I said something recently about not missing my dogs while we were on vacation.  Yep...I did say that!  And holy cow, do I really mean it...especially after having to separate them from what we thought was going to be a life ending fight for one of them tonight.

To make a long story short, we have 3 female dogs.  Apparently, that doesn't work out well with the whole pack mentality thing.  One of them is elderly, and when we got a new puppy about a year and a half ago, the dynamics changed and the middle dog began attacking the older dog.  The only thing we can figure is that the middle dog wanted the puppy for herself or felt that the older one, being the weakest link, should be eliminated. 

Well, ideally we should have found a new home for one of them (particularly the trouble maker) but no one could bear the thought of giving up "their" dog.  So after we tried everything we could think of, including brining in trainers, we decided that it was best for the elderly dog to go live downstairs in the basement with my mom. 

I know...I have felt like complete ass about separating her from the rest of the family but we felt this was the only way to keep all the dogs and keep her safe, plus she could be doted on by my mom all the time. 

This has been a fine solution except it doesn't afford for you to make a single mistake.  Unfortunately, tonight was that night when one mistake lead to disaster.  With the whole family watching in complete horror, it took everything we had but Daddy and I were finally able to get them separated with little damage (we think).  I am so thankful that it wasn't worse than it was but it seemed like an eternity of craziness and IT WAS SCARY!

Of course this happened right as dinner was ready to be served so by the time we were able to sit down and eat, it was cold and there wasn't a chance that anyone was going to enjoy. 

Not long after I started washing up the dishes, my older daughter got a phone call from her best friend who was on the other end of the line sobbing uncontrollably.  So, frantically she grabbed her things and was running out of the house to go see about her friend while we were begging her to be careful and stay calm while driving over there. 

For the moment...all is calm again.  It's a good thing nights like this don't happen often because I think we all lost a few years off our lives. 

Daddy did get a good laugh when He saw me shoving chocolate cake in my face and the littlest one heading off with a spoon and the carton of chocolate ice cream.  But He always knows exactly how to take care of all of us though. To take the littlest one's mind off things, they just left for the store to go buy a new back pack she saw earlier today...and she just had to have!  And that leaves me with a few moments of much needed peace and quiet.

 

 

They are back home now and just as I was proofreading this post and getting ready to hit "publish", the littlest one just pulled two loose teeth in a matter of maybe 10 minutes.  Who looses two teeth in one night?! 

 

Rays of Light

Being outside and walking is a big part of my life.  I've probably mentioned walking in several of my posts but I do love it, not just for exercise but mostly because it's how I cleanse my mind. 

 

On particularly rough days, walking may turn to jogging.  Sometimes I feel like Forrest Gump and get the notion that I just want to run and that I could just keep runnin' till I can't any more.  Unlike Forrest though, I can only make it a couple miles before I wimp out and go back to walking.    

 

The other day I decided, rather than going to drive and pick up the dog's medicine, I was going to walk the 6+ miles roundtrip.  Well, about half way through, I saw storm clouds off in the distance. 

 

I was just mesmerized when I saw the beauty of the sun's rays shining down to earth through the clouds.  For me, whenever I see this, it's like experiencing a glimpse of heaven. 

 

But what also caught my eye was just how heavy and dark some of the clouds were and I could see the sheets of rain pouring down from them.  Being that I was still pretty far from home, I worried that I might not make it back before the storm surrounded me so I decided I better pick up the pace. 

 

As I jogged home, my mind drifted to the all the other "storms" in my life and how it seems I run to escape them too.  But what I really started to realize is that I don't run to escape them...I run to cope with them.

 

As the storm clouds got closer and grew more threatening, I also thought about Daddy. I thought about the last time I was out running and how the flood gates opened up on me.  I hadn't had any way to contact Him and I was a drowned rat trudging my way home with rain beating down so hard it was stinging my skin and I couldn't keep my eyes open.  

 

But Daddy had known the general direction I had been headed and He found me, driving up like a knight on a white horse offering me shelter and a dry towel.  

 

Something I took for granted for far too long...Daddy is and always will be my shelter.  It took  many years to accept that it's not me against the world and I don't have to find my own safe place. 

 

No matter how hard or how far I run trying to purge myself of the storms in my life, I know He will always find me.  

 

 

Ms. Sassy Pants

Daddy made a last minute decision this week that we would take the kids out of town today, traveling several hours to meet up with some family. 

This morning came and it was the usual chaos trying to get everyone ready and out of the house.  Daddy was fussing at all us girls to hurry up and get in the car as we ran around finishing up hair and packing snacks and drinks for the ride. 

Of course, I was the last one in the car because I had to try and get the dog to go to the bathroom one more time.  With everyone waiting on me, I climbed in the mini-van, laptop in hand (because I had to blog of course) and the corner of my laptop bumped my coffee which was sitting in the middle console.

and wouldn't you know...

DROPS OF COFFEE SPLASHED OUT OF MY TRAVEL MUG AND LANDED ALL OVER HIS DRESS PANTS!!

Oh gosh, when I say He was not happy, that is an understatement!

I apologized and explained that if He cleaned it off fast enough, it wouldn't leave a stain so He disappeared into the house to clean up after my clumsiness. 

Then as we drove along, you know how it is...someone is always complaining that it's too hot, then too cold.  I reached over and tried to adjust the temperature.  Well, He fussed at me for that.

So now you are assuming what temperature I want!

Pulling back my hand, I looked at Him apologizing with a big grin on my face. 

I'm sorry...forgot that you are Master of the air.

Now, this wasn't meant as intentional disrespect.  That would not be acceptable but it was my brave little attempt to lighten the mood.  Whether he found it as humorous as I did or not is probably up for debate.  But He looked so darn handsome when He calmly readjusted His glasses with that slightly wicked grin.

Someone must really be asking for it today!

So I'm typing this while we are driving and He is wondering why the big grin on my face...

...Guess I better put Ms. Sassy Pants away and be on my very best...est behavior.  Wouldn't want to poke at the beast too much or else I'll get more than I bargained for!!


   

When Daddy's Not Happy

I knew I screwed up on Tuesday.  I actually knew it before He even got home.  Lately, I have been running 90 miles a minute with projects galore piled up.  He has been very patient but it seems that I am constantly distracted by everyone else's demands. 

One daughter was on my case about remodeling her room. 

The other daughter, "Can we go shopping?...Can we go to the movies?...Can my friends spend the night?".  This list actually could go on and on. 

My own mom even started chiming in (even though she is a guest in our home)..."When are you going to clean and stain the deck?" because she wants to clean the downstairs patio. 

Urrrggg...I would really love it all to stop but here's the thing.  I have this terrible habit of twisting myself inside out, trying to keep everyone happy.  Don't get me wrong either.  I also really do love to get myself engrossed in projects.  My girls and I are all a little obsessive that way.

So, the last couple weeks, I have finished the bedroom remodel, in between running the other one and her friends around all over the place.  Then after getting in from work on Tuesday, I got tired of listening to my mom hint around so I went upstairs, changed clothes and started cleaning the deck. 

Before I knew it, I came inside for just a minute, looked at the clock and it said 6:20.  Knowing that Daddy would be home shortly, I quickly got dinner started, gave my older one instructions to get the noodles started after the water boiled and ran back outside to try and get finished before Daddy got home. 

Now, there is no hard fast rule about what time dinner should be ready but He does like it to be ready soon after He gets in and most nights, that is exactly how things work.  Unfortunately, the last bit of the deck was taking a bit more time and effort so I had lost track of time.  Daddy got in before I was done and took to finishing the dinner preparations Himself.

Yes...I very easily could have stopped trying to multi-task and focused on finishing dinner.  The deck would still have been there later.  But despite my better judgment, the drive to finish what I started took over.

It was all over His face when I came in as He was putting dinner on the table.  And if I had any doubt whether He was upset or not, the uncomfortable silence from His end of the table all through dinner made it very clear.

I tried several times later to talk to Him about it, wanting Him to tell me why He was upset.  But honestly, I knew.  My focus had not been on what was pleasing to Him and I felt pretty ashamed of myself. 

Finally, I just apologized for disappointing Him.  He told me not to worry about it, that it wasn't like He's told me to have dinner on the table at an exact time and I was, in fact, working hard on something.   But things were still a bit on the chilly side for a while.

So you better believe, last night, I made sure to set all other things aside and be ready when He came in the door.

 

 

The Test

He warned me, but I can't say I was completely prepared for all He had planned Monday. It all began while I was at work with instructions via text message. 

Daddy:  Are you wearing a skirt of pants?

Me: Jeans

Daddy:  Are you wearing panties and bra?

Me: Yes...Sir

With Daddy's permission, this was one rule that had temporarily been put on hold.

Daddy:  Remove them.  I'll need pics to verify.

I head off to the bathroom and did as He asked, sent the pictures and got back to my desk just in time for my phone to vibrate with another text message.  Why on earth would I have thought that taking picture with my clothes on would suffice as proof?  Duh...so I head back to the bathroom slightly irritated and wondering if the girl sitting at the front desk thinks I am crazy for going right back to the bathroom. 

He was satisfied with the new set of pictures and asked if I had time to meet for lunch.  We sat in my office eating lunch together, but it was unusually quiet between us, not really in a bad way but just in a we are back to business sort of way.  Just before He left, I was given another set of instructions. 

This assignment would require the use of some items that are to be in my purse at all times.  Thankfully, they were actually all there!  Geez...would have hated to see what would have happened if not. 

At 2:00, I was to apply capsaicin cream to each of my nipples, clamp each with a clothespin, and bring myself just to the edge of pleasure.  I was to do the same at 3:00 and 4:00, minus the application of capsaicin.  Each time I finished, He was to be notified.  Also, I was to have my school girl outfit ready when He got home.  Not on...just ready. 

My afternoon assignment was completed without a hitch...but oh, my poor boobies.  They have not suffered much lately but they sure got a workout that afternoon.  So did the bathroom for that matter.  Again, I wondered if anyone noticed just how frequently I was disappearing, ready and armed with "my stomach is really bothering me today!" excuse.

As soon as I got home, I went ahead and laid out my outfit.  Didn't want to risk forgetting and adding punishment to His list today.

There was a bit of worry though about what He did actually have planned.  Turns out...my worry  was pretty well founded.  After dinner, He walked upstairs and calling my attention to follow Him.  I was to put on my outfit and meet Him in the office.

I quickly changed and when I walked in, I could see the flicker of approval in His eyes but He simply asked me to sit in the chair across from Him desk.  He paced around, asking me a couple of questions that I can barely remember but it had to do with what school girls do to learn.  I fumbled around guessing at answers until He said, "They take tests" as He laid a packet of papers in front of me. 

WHAT is this I thought? 

I was expecting some sort of bend over the desk and get spanked treatment or something.  But a test?? 

Oh did it all makes sense though when I leafed through the papers.  I didn't count the pages but there were at least 6-8 of them.  Page after page, question after question about my rules, contract, names of positions, basically anything and everything He had taught me thus far about being His slave. 

Oh...that's not the worst of it though.  Then He produced the Hitachi, some rope, and a dildo.  So while sitting on the dido, with the Hitachi tied to my waist and planted firmly against my clit, I had one hour to complete the test. 

WITHOUT PERMISSION TO RELEASE!!!

I can't even begin to tell you how difficult it was to sit across the desk from Him and actually concentrate on my answers, plus I hate to admit, but my knowledge in some respects had grown somewhat fuzzy.

The first 5 minutes were certainly the hardest, especially after being kept on the edge all afternoon.  It certainly had not escaped His notice how swollen with need I already was when He tied the Hitachi on me and turned it on high speed. 

Words and thought.. simply impossible. And each time I could feel the orgasm building, this burning sensation spread up my neck and I would break out in a sweat trying so hard to hold the waves back.  He chuckled as I resorted to fanning myself with the packet of papers.  Quite literally, I thought my eyes might pop out of my head from the building pressure.     

Really, I was so close to crying and yelling about the unfairness of it all but I didn't dare.  Eventually, numbness to the vibrating started to take over, allowing me to focus a little more on answering questions.  After about 30 minutes, He noticed that I was getting a bit raw and thankfully decided to remove the vibrator.  We sat in the quiet as I continued the next 30 minutes.

Once the hour was complete, He instructed me to stop, go get undressed, and wait for Him in the bedroom while He looked over the test.  He came into the room, with test in hand, shaking His head and said while I hadn't done terribly, I hadn't done well either.  In His estimation, my grade was somewhere in the C range, which seemed fair.  That's about what I was expecting.  Some of the questions, I had drawn a complete blank and some of the essay type questions didn't even get answered because I simply ran out of time. 

I already wrote about what happened next in my previous post, Daddy's Girl.

At this point, He could tell I was starting to crash.  The physical and mental exhaustion were settling in so we took a break and sat together drinking coffee.   

Afterwards, the rest of the evening was filled with plenty of cock worship and despite how eagerly I stroked and licked and sucked, the night ended with my desperate swollen pussy riding Him and being used only for His own release.    

Yep...pretty much back to reality as I know it. 

       

   


 

     

Daddy's Girl

As I said in my last post, a lot happened on Monday (and since) so let me start with the change from Master to Daddy, since that one seemed to come out of left field.   

Oddly, I never mentioned this Him but I had been thinking a lot lately about the Daddy dominant dynamic.  So it's a bit coincidental, and quite fitting maybe, that He chose this as one ways to put me in my place.   

Even though the word "Daddy" flows out of my mouth quite naturally around our kids,  He's always known me to be somewhat put off by any expectation He had of me using this word in other contexts. But being the mental sadist that He is, long before I even began calling Him Master, He would take great delight in watching me squirm, occasionally forcing the word "Daddy" from my mouth.  Oh, how it made me grit my teeth and want to crawl under a rock!

I am sure this goes back somehow to the relationship I have with my father.  Almost as far back as I can remember it has been strained, so naturally one might surmised that I have "Daddy" issues.  I have yet to admit that one out loud, but sadly, there is probably some truth to it.  Referring to my husband as "Daddy" never created any warm and fuzzy feelings for me, it just felt wrong.   

As I said though, lately I have found myself drawn to the idea of this firm yet loving, gentle, and nurturing type of dominance.  In fact, even though our dynamic had become somewhat stagnated, He was still very much taking care of me and our family.  The undercurrents of D/s were there but He seemed softer towards me and it almost seemed more fitting to think of Him more as a Daddy than a Master.   

So Monday, I stood naked in front of Him, with a reminder to cast my eyes downward.  Without being allowed to speak or question, He listed off several areas in which my obedience to His expectations had slipped.  Things that for one reason or another, just got put by the wayside. He didn't even have to finish the list...the point was well made...and well received.   

My privilege to refer to Him as Master or Sir was stripped away until otherwise notified.  When the setting is appropriate for me to do so, I am only to refer to Him as "Daddy". 

Now, I am pretty sure He might have meant this as a punishment (or a humiliation) of sorts, and yes, it did certainly sting because He was pointing out my short comings.  But with my recent curiosity about this dynamic, I didn't mind as much as I would have in the past.  Plus, I can say this in front of our kids and no one is the wiser. 

My only conundrum is while He is being so hard on me right now, "Daddy" doesn't necessarily feel quite fitting. 

Uggg...so confusing! 

But, I guess little by little, the whole concept is growing on me. It still feels a bit weird hearing "Daddy" come out of my mouth but apparently my brain is adapting to the idea...

and well...it seems to make other parts of me wet... so I guess she is adapting too!