Let it Go

What a way to start the New Year! 

The loss of something near and dear to me.  The loss of one of my very own appendages. 

Don't worry, not on my body.  MY CELL PHONE!!  Literally, my phone is attached to me at all times, especially since I usually have well let's just say questionable material on it.

Sometime while we were out on New Year's Eve, I must have lost it.  I retraced all my steps, searched high, and low and can only assume at this point, it is in the grubby paws of someone who hopefully enjoys my naked pics...cause many of them were there.   

Urrrgggg....my life was in that small little device.  Until the last year or so, I have never become so dependent on something.  Hell, I even have reminders set for my chores. 

Needless to say, I was really bummed yesterday when I realized that finding it was hopeless.  Mostly, I was completely frustrated at myself for being careless, and mad that my mistake was going to cost us money that we didn't need to spend.  He worked hard on our budget for this new year and here I go and screw it up on the very first day.

Finally, I sat on the couch and sighed.  Master said, "let it go".  My response...But I am so upset with myself!

What He said next left me in shock. 

I understand...I would be upset too.  But you have one hour to be mad or pout and then I want you to let it go.

Rather than chastising me for being careless as I thought might happen, or dismiss my frustrations as He might have done in our previous life, He actually gave me the freedom to feel what I was feeling.

I sat there for a few moments and then got up to go help my daughter re-arrange her room.  I didn't even want to stay mad anymore.  He took control of it that easily.

Come to think of it, now that I put in words, how did He allow me the freedom to my feelings but in essence still controlled them?  Does that even make sense? 

Wow...He's good!

   









 

KOTW: Thoughts on Being Collared

Had anyone told me even 2 years ago that I would be involved in an M/s relationship I would have thought that person was crazy.  I surely would have thought that person even more crazy had they suggested that I would willingly and proudly wear a symbol of ownership, such as a collar.

We began our D/s journey in June 2012 and it all began with a contract.  I know contracts are highly debated and I don't intend to get into that here but it's what worked for us.  At that time, outside of wearing a collar during play, there was no mention of collaring or even developing a Master/slave relationship.

Honestly, when I first submitted to Him, I didn't even know there was even such a thing as collaring.  Once I did find out, I certainly wasn't interested in wearing something that I thought was more appropriate on a dog.  Wearing a permanent sign of ownership...nope...not for me.   

After about 6 months, the D/s lifestyle was iffie for us, we struggled quite a bit.  We didn't want to give up but soon came to the realization that we both needed to make a larger commitment to ourselves and to each other.  Around January of this year, we began shifting into a Master/slave dynamic and I really made a concerted effort to better educate myself in all aspects of slavery.

I had experienced the positive impact submission had on our relationship so my walls and negative perceptions related to being owned had already begun to crumble.  Soon, I wanted nothing more than to be considered His slave and I remember reading something on Fet that sparked my interest in collaring.  The idea of wearing a "day" collar, one that could worn in the vanilla world but carried the same intent, intrigued me.  Master was pleased when I mentioned this to Him because He had apparently already been putting some thought into collaring me.

Earning His collar would not come easily though.  I would endure months of training, which is another highly debated topic that I don't intend to get into here.  He intended for training to push me, push my boundaries, and mold me into exactly the slave He wanted me to be.  Only then, would I be worthy of wearing His collar.

Collaring Ceremony


The 3 days leading up to collaring were by far the toughest, meant to push my boundaries on many different levels.  After our last session was over and I was dressed and ready to go out to dinner, Master called me upstairs.  My gut was telling me what was about to happen but I didn't want to get my hopes up.  Then I saw the candles lit and the glow of the collar sitting in front of me as I walked into the room.  One of the things I love about Him, is how diabolical and sadistic He can be on one hand, and so thoughtful and romantic on the other.

He had designed this moment so beautifully and it will be one that I will never forget.  He asked me to remove my clothes and kneel at His feel as I felt the smooth metal of the collar locking  around my neck, signifying to us both that I belong to Him completely.

He had something prepared that He wanted to say...some vows so to speak.  The short version is that He promised to guide and protect me, honor my feelings and needs, and tend to my happiness, health, and well-being.  I, in turn, accepted to follow Him on this journey, and to serve and belong to Him. 

Then He began read to me an excerpt from a book and I could no longer hold back my tears.   

The story told of  a man becoming completely "intoxicated" by the song of a Nightbird.  The sound of this Nightbird consumed his thoughts and so "enraptured" him that it consumed his soul.

Choking up as He spoke (which let me say does not happen typically), He whispered to me you are my Nightbird.

This private moment, which was exactly one year to the day of us signing our original contract, was more special and emotional for us both than the day we exchanged our wedding vows 18 years ago.         

The front is engraved with the words..."Owned by Heron"

The back is engraved with the words..."As I Own His Heart".

Obviously, this isn't a collar I can wear in the vanilla world so we went the next day to purchase a Pandora bangle bracelet which I wear every day.  I love the idea of being able to add charms that will have special meaning just for us and of course my first was His birthstone.

What an amazing journey this has been so far!  What an amazing man/Husband/Master I belong to!


  
This is my first writing for KOTW but the topic was so near and dear to my heart, I knew I had to post an entry. I had blogged several months ago about my collaring ceremony so I transferred some of the text to this post. 


   

Push it to the Limit

A couple weeks back, it seemed that my new experience...

The Note

The Knock

The Slut

The Reclaiming

...sparked a bit of conversation about pushing limits.  The whole experience, from being on display nude and in a bondage situation, being played with in front of someone else, and orally serving another man in front of my Master, was all new territory for us both.  But pushing limits is definitely a touchy subject and can be a double edged sword.  It has the potential to bring Dom and sub closer or if not handled properly, can backfire in an instant. 

I want to back up a little and explain a little about my own personal limits.  When we started down this path, I knew that He would be training me to be His slave and at His request, I agreed to keep a completely open mind.  Yes, there were plenty of things that made me uncomfortable.  Hell, even being tied up made me uncomfortable.  But surrendering completely to Him meant that I had to trust the limits He established for us.  Setting my own limits, meant trusting my own judgement over His, therefore, I would in essence still be holding an element of control.

We do have a very short section in our contract dedicated to limits.  Things like branding, cutting, scarring, and deprivation of oxygen were hard limits even for Him.  I did insist on one thing to be added which I felt may be a physical trigger but have since learned that wasn't the case.

Admittedly, I was quite inexperienced in the realm of M/s, bdsm, and kink and I really didn't take the initiative to learn before making the commitment.  During the last year and a half, many times after a scene I have thought "WOW! Had I known He was going to try that, I would have wanted it added to my limits".  But on the other hand, my inexperience and lack of research really did keep my mind open and in the end I have found a deeper trust in my Master and enjoyed things I would have never considered before.  Not that I am recommending this philosophy, it's just the way it worked out for me.

If you are in an newer relationship, particularly a D/s or bdsm relationship, the other person isn't going to know every intricate detail of your likes/dislikes, and more importantly your potential triggers.  I would think in this situation, it's very important that you have a voice when setting limits.  Then later down the road you can renegotiate once you trust that this person has your best interest at heart.


I do firmly believe that discussion should take place before pushing any limits, but most particularly hard limits.  It is expected that a Dom will push a soft limit when they feel you might be ready but a hard limit warrants discussion and consent to me.   

So, how do you know when you are ready to re-evaluate your hard limit? 
 
Allowing someone to push your limits is really all about trust.  But no matter how much you trust someone, you may find there are some limits which are never meant to be pushed, particularly if you fear a significant personal negative reaction or loss of well being.  You have to be confident, regardless of whether you end up enjoying the experience or not, that you can handle the outcome and if you can't be sure, then you owe it to yourself to stand by the limits you established.   

But the fact of the matter is that limits can and do change over time.  Many times, the limiting factor is simply fear of the unknown.  Once you experience it, you realize, oh that wasn't a big deal.  Then a year down the road, when you love it more than anything, you wonder why on earth that was ever a limit.   


As you gain more experience and find more confidence within yourself, it is natural to want to explore boundaries.  A good Dom will also find ways to challenge you to explore your limits.   He shouldn't cross the line, because this may cause an irreparable breach in trust, but He may skirt the edge a little testing the waters until you are ready.   Maybe...just maybe...the idea of something will excite you when it didn't before.  This...is your mind opening to new possibilities.

Even though I find myself in a situation where the only thing the defines my boundaries are when He has reached His, He still  understands where my fears or insecurities lie.  He knows when to push and when not to push.  But some of that is because we have been together so long.  We have a marriage and a family that have to be considered so He wouldn't make a decision that would jeopardize all that we have.  Where there may be an issue of how I may handle something in particular, He works me there in baby steps, never pushing too hard or too fast.


He has also spent years learning about my fantasies...from the simple to the deepest and darkest.  While I am deathly afraid of experiencing certain things, I never considered them hard limits and  from the beginning, I understood He may eventually begin the slow process of bringing those fantasies to life. 

Well, I have gone on and on much longer than I had planned to but the most important thing to remember is that pushing limits all comes down to one thing and that is trust. 

Trust in yourself to know when you are ready for limits to be pushed and trust in your Dom to be there as your support and to push your limits without pushing your buttons.