Saturday, July 9, 2016

Long Overdue

I realize this post is long overdue.  Quite frankly, I haven't been able to bring myself to sit down and write...anything.  Until today.

This year has been a tough one.  Our dynamic took a backseat for quite a while, probably since around September of last year when Heron started having gallbladder problems.   

He had surgery at the end of October and by the time he recovered, the holidays were right upon us.  The start of this year was no easier than the end of the last.  Work was very demanding for both of us, my father had several major surgeries, and my mother had one as well. Of course, I am in essence her care giver so that was a challenge.  Can't forget the kids either.  As they get older, their schedules and needs just seems to get more complicated.

All of this left almost no energy for us to nurture our dynamic. And in the chaos of all going on, our vanilla life became comfortable...for me anyways.     

I still served in the capacity that I could but after a while, I began to realize that I didn't miss the punishments.  I didn't miss the fear of some humiliating task.  I didn't miss pain.  There were a lot of things I didn't miss.

Our connection still seemed strong though.  Despite all that was going on around us, we leaned on each other and found peace and comfort even though life was quite vanilla. I knew he was giving me the time and space I needed.

Admittedly, I began spending way too much time on Fetlife.  I don't know what was going on other than I was using that as an escape from my life.  I enjoyed the attention, until I didn't anymore, and then I pretty much abandoned that as well.

For a really long time, I had felt so over extended that my only solution was to withdraw from everyone and commit to focusing only on work, the kids, and Heron.  

We tried a few times to revitalize the active dynamic but each time, we faced some set back.  And honestly, I was mostly relieved.  Whenever he mentioned "getting back on track", it was almost like panic set in, resistance set in, and in some ways even resentment crept in.

Who knows might have come to fruition or it might not have but he mentioned several times that he needed to come up with something that would challenge me even more than last year.  But some of the experiences had taken a toll on me, probably more so than we realized since I have a tendency to bury my feelings until they come forth later, usually quite unexpectedly.

Being disconnected from the dynamic, I had also started to see that I had adopted my submission so well, that I had lost my edge at work and with my kids.  I had given up so much control that I lost confidence in controlling any situation no matter what the environment.  And I was just starting to get that confidence back.   

I remember standing in the kitchen during one of these "we need to get back on track" conversations and I asked him if we could keep things the way they were. 

Yes...I was comfortable.  Not being challenged had become comfortable. 
So when we went on vacation at the beginning of the summer, and he questioned me, questioned my ability to give 100%...I admitted that I couldn't. I knew what 100% meant.  It meant being challenged.  It meant giving up all control again. And what scared me the most, was it meant recommitting myself to do whatever he wanted, even if it was something I didn't agree with.

The conversation didn't go at all the way I expected it.  I didn't expect to be choosing release right then and there, but that is what happened.  I had only intended to communicate that I didn't feel I could submit to the level he needed me to and still be myself and the person I needed to be outside of our relationship. Over the period of the next couple weeks, I tried to talk to him about it.  I felt that there had to be a way that we could negotiate something that would allow both of our needs to be met while still honoring our D/s commitment to each other.

But Heron is and always has been an all or nothing person. This would be no different.  There would be no negotiation, no limits, no conditions.  And if I wasn't willing to agree to all, then there would be nothing...not even bedroom kink.  I watched with a broken heart as he began almost immediately getting rid of all of our toys and implements. I can't stand that I've hurt him. He feels that maybe he cared about all of this more than I ever did, which couldn't be further from the truth.

On one hand, it all makes me very sad.  On the other, his being so rigid makes me a bit angry.

But all I can do is respect his position.  The readjustment is hard for us both, probably for him more so than me because I had already begun to mentally disengage from the dynamic months ago.

Somehow, we will get through it, as long as we have each the end, that's really all that matters anyways.

"Even the most beautiful days eventually have their sunsets" - author unknown
Thank you to all of you...those who followed my journey, those that that became friends, those who reached out to send well wishes or check on me during my silence.  I suspect this may be my last post here but one never knows.