A couple weeks back, it seemed that my new experience...
The Note
The Knock
The Slut
The Reclaiming
...sparked a bit of conversation about pushing limits. The whole experience, from being on display nude and in a bondage situation, being played with in front of someone else, and orally serving another man in front of my Master, was all new territory for us both. But pushing limits is definitely a touchy subject and can be a double edged sword. It has the potential to bring Dom and sub closer or if not handled properly, can backfire in an instant.
I want to back up a little and explain a little about my own personal limits. When we started down this path, I knew that He would be training me to be His slave and at His request, I agreed to keep a completely open mind. Yes, there were plenty of things that made me uncomfortable. Hell, even being tied up made me uncomfortable. But surrendering completely to Him meant that I had to trust the limits He established for us. Setting my own limits, meant trusting my own judgement over His, therefore, I would in essence still be holding an element of control.
We do have a very short section in our contract dedicated to limits. Things like branding, cutting, scarring, and deprivation of oxygen were hard limits even for Him. I did insist on one thing to be added which I felt may be a physical trigger but have since learned that wasn't the case.
Admittedly, I was quite inexperienced in the realm of M/s, bdsm, and kink and I really didn't take the initiative to learn before making the commitment. During the last year and a half, many times after a scene I have thought "
WOW! Had I known He was going to try that, I would have wanted it added to my limits". But on the other hand, my inexperience and lack of research really did keep my mind open and in
the end I have found a deeper trust in my Master and enjoyed things I would have never considered before. Not that I am recommending this philosophy, it's just the way it worked out for me.
If you are in an newer
relationship, particularly a D/s or bdsm relationship, the other person isn't going to know
every intricate detail of your
likes/dislikes, and more importantly your potential triggers. I would
think in this situation, it's very important that you have a voice when
setting limits. Then later down the road you can renegotiate once you trust that this person has
your best interest at heart.
I
do firmly
believe that discussion should take place before pushing
any
limits, but most particularly hard limits. It is expected that a Dom
will push a soft limit when they feel you might be ready but a hard
limit warrants discussion and consent to me.
So, how do you know when you are ready to re-evaluate your hard limit?
Allowing someone to push your limits is really all about
trust. But no matter how much you trust someone, you may find there
are some limits which are never meant to be pushed, particularly if you
fear a significant personal negative reaction or loss of well being.
You have to be confident, regardless of whether you end up enjoying the experience or not, that you can handle the outcome and if you
can't be sure, then you owe it to yourself to stand by the limits you
established.
But the fact of the matter is that limits can and do change over time. Many times, the limiting factor is simply fear of the unknown. Once you experience it, you realize, oh that wasn't a big deal. Then a year down the road, when you love it more than anything, you wonder why on earth that was ever a limit.
As you gain more experience and find more confidence within yourself, it is natural to want to explore boundaries. A good Dom will also find ways to challenge you to explore your limits. He shouldn't cross the line, because this may cause an irreparable breach in trust, but He may skirt the edge a little testing the waters until you are ready.
Maybe...just maybe...the idea of something will excite you when it didn't before. This...is your mind opening to new possibilities.
Even though I find myself in a situation where the only thing the defines my boundaries are when He has reached His, He still understands where my fears or insecurities lie. He knows when to push and when not to push. But some of that is because we have been together so long. We have a marriage and a family that have to be considered so He
wouldn't make a decision that would jeopardize all that we have. Where there may be an issue of how I may handle something in particular,
He works me there in baby steps, never pushing too hard or too fast.
He has also spent years learning about my fantasies...from the simple to the deepest and darkest. While I am deathly afraid of experiencing certain things, I never considered them hard limits and from the beginning, I understood He may eventually begin the slow process of bringing those fantasies to life.
Well, I have gone on and on much longer than I had planned to but the most important thing to remember is that pushing limits all comes down to one thing and that is trust.
Trust in yourself to know when you are ready for limits to be pushed and trust in your Dom to be there as your support and to push your limits without pushing your buttons.
