Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Burning Bright



This post has been a long time coming, especially for those who are maybe curious as to the status of Chrysalis and I.  See...this is why I sometimes hate putting things out in the atmosphere, especially when those things seem almost too good to be true.  So many times it comes back to bite me.

Don't get me wrong.  The experience isn't anything I regret and I hope that we will be able to continue our friendship. But I think it's safe to say at this point, that's where it will stay.

It's been two months now and physically, things never progressed since the night I was with her and her husband.  Part of it is my fault because I dug my heels in not long afterwards.  We had set out, or so I thought, to pursue more of a one on one relationship.  Somewhere, the waters got muddied for them, but being with both of them wasn't a pattern I was comfortable with nor intended to continue.  I made my feelings known and then stayed true to myself.   

Her situation wasn't as stable as mine which in hindsight...a huge learning lesson! Getting involved with someone, when the foundation of their main relationship isn't solid, is a recipe for disaster.  And because of their issues, unless he was directly involved, there was just a level of uncomfortability there on his part in sharing her with me.  I have tried hard to believe this to be the reality because the alternative, that for them...this was always about me joining them, is painful to deal with. And even though her expressed desires matched mine, the part of me that finds it hard to trust has won that internal debate. 

It was obvious how hard I had fallen, which is frustrating because I knew better...at least the old me would have known better.  Once I realized just how much I had put myself out there for her, and how vulnerable that made me, the walls began to go up.  I only meant to keep my guard up, to protect myself from getting hurt and to be able continue in the relationship in a "friends with benefits" fashion.

It became more and more obvious to me as time went on, even talking to her regularly, that I just couldn't get things back on the right track.  The emotional ups and downs were wearing on me.  There was no time really afforded for just the two of us to spend together.  Without her being in a position to nurture the "benefits" aspect of our relationship, my physical desire just lost momentum and withered. It's taken a while for both of us to accept and come to terms with things as they are, but I think our conversation yesterday finally confirms that we are both making steps to move on.

Heron has been an absolute rock throughout all of this.  He has listened when I needed to talk or rant....been a voice of reason when need be...held me when I needed a shoulder to cry on...and even provided plenty of discipline and direction when it was time to refocus.

Thank you also to my friends out there who have been so supportive and helped me in so many ways.  You all know who you are:)   

I guess we burned bright for a moment, as true passion often does. But that flame tends to go out as quickly as it was ignited.  It's cliche I know...but so very true.  It was a learning experience for sure and I think I have gained a much better understanding of myself and how to approach this type of situation should it ever present itself in the future.


11 comments:

  1. Oh, I want to give you the biggest hug.

    I can imagine what this has done to you...

    But, really, I don't see how you could have known to handle it differently. And I don't think you were wrong for putting it out there/writing about it--it was exciting, and new, and a part of your life! I can see how you would feel that way though, being on this side of things.

    Ugh, I just hate that you've been hurt!

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    1. And even though this didn't turn out how you wanted, I think the risk was still a good one to take.

      Hug.

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    2. I absolutely agree...it was an experience of a lifetime. And I don't regret it at all. And I was really in a good place when it happened. What a great memory to have!

      Like I said...this has been a long time coming. I had already been through the majority of the hurt and at this point...I am just kind of numb. But I am really OK:)

      And I don't for a second, regret sharing this part of my journey with all of you. It wouldn't have felt right to keep this part hidden. Good or bad, it's a part of my journey.

      Love to you

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  2. I tried friends with benefits and it didnt work out that is why I stay away from poly, swinging or anything else of the kind. Hugs

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    1. It definitely takes a certain person, with a certain mindset, and just the right situation. I do think I am capable of a poly situation but only under the right circumstances. Certainly not in any hurry though:) I certainly understand and respect that it is not for everyone though and there is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing your own boundaries. Thank you for stopping by!!

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  3. Oh my dear sweet friend, the irony that things were solidified yesterday. I'm always here for you as you have been for me. Hugs oxoxox K

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    1. You have helped me so much and I will never be able to thank you enough. You encouraged me when I needed it the most. Love you:)

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  4. Who bravely dares must sometimes risk a fall.
    - Tobias Smollett

    So much of what you and Heron do involves risk; physical, emotional, societal... Your whole ongoing journey in this lifestyle has been risky and not always smooth. This would be a boring blog, otherwise. It's a small hurt and the scar makes you sexier.
    RS

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    1. You always have such wonderful and wise words of wisdom! You are right...there is risk in all that we do. And when it goes well...quite a reward. I love a comment you made earlier about this being icing on the cake. So very true:)

      Your guidance and support means more than you know. xo

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  5. Oh my sweetheart. I'm sorry that this has turned out like it has but may I tell you how proud I am of you for how for how you conduct your business. Relish in the afterglow of knowledge and better understanding of yourself and of how the world works. You are a role model!

    XOXOX

    SHIP

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    1. SHIP...can I just say that you always have the most wonderful things to say. I don't think of myself as a role model...only hoping that maybe I can help someone else trying to also find their way. But thank you. Your compliment means a lot to me. xo

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