Resistance is Futile

Back before the holidays, you might remember I was on orgasm restriction.  I write about it now because at the time, there was so much going on and I just didn't have the emotional energy to invest in writing about anything.  

The first week of my restriction was spent with Daddy tormenting me or making me torment myself.  It was close to the holidays so if you missed that post, you can read about it here or if you happen to remember, I was only allowed a couple of inches of a particular dildo and at one point, I was given the same amount of His cock.  An additional caveat to this was under no circumstances was my clit to be touched, not even accidentally while using the dildo.  Sheesh!! He's demanding isn't He?

Of course, my mouth stayed full of cock on a nightly basis and for the the first week, I stayed on an incredible edge, every minute of the day all I could think about the throbbing and the constant pool of wetness between my legs.

Somewhere during that second week, well, the edge just faded away.  He continued using my mouth almost nightly but it's the same thing that tends to happen whenever my arousal is abandoned for too long.  My body decides it's not getting any, so it just...shuts...down.. It's not like I am even angry or upset, not yet anyways.  I think it's a way of coping and pushing my own desires aside so that I can remain focused on His needs and pleasure.

Then at some point (in this case it was around the end of the second week), sleep becomes more difficult, the stress of daily life builds up, and my resolve begins to crumble...I begin to crumble.  Of course, the holidays were upon us as well which didn't help things either.

I try my best to hide the hurt when it starts creeping in, desperate not to let Him believe my submission is wavering.  Retreating into myself, I get quiet until He forces it out of me.  He knows what's wrong but makes me say it out loud anyways.

I can't help but wonder if you even want me anymore.

Of course He wants me.  After all, He uses my mouth just about every night, doesn't He?

Being a wife and a slave are intertwined roles for me at this point, with the exception of this one area.  As slave, I understand all of it.  But as a wife, I struggle and the ache in my chest brings doubt.  As we laid there and tears rolled down my cheeks, He snuggled with me and assured me of His desire to have me (all of me) and I will see just how much.  I just had to continue waiting until the  upcoming weekend.  I beg Him not to make that type of promise because it always seems that things never work out for one reason or another.  But He holds fast to His promise and in the back of my mind, I know better than to get my hopes up. 
   
Well, it WAS the weekend before Christmas after all.  There was a party to attend and one to host, food to cook, a house to clean, and while I worked on most of that, He had plenty of school work to keep Him busy.  Through no real fault of His own, our time together didn't happen.  There wasn't even time for any of my expected nightly cock worship.  I tried once again to hide how crushed I was, particularly when He didn't say anything about our missed time together.

Monday night came and He climbed into bed giving me the signal to take my usual place of worship between His legs.  As wrong as it was, I had already assumed and peacefully resigned myself to only servicing Him in the same way I had so many nights before.   

Surprisingly, He told me to get my pants off and lay on my back, words that would normally make me get quite giddy.  I wanted to be excited, really I did.  But as He climbed on top and pressed inside of me, I couldn't find a way out of the hole I was in to give myself to Him completely.  All the hurt and frustration was bubbling up to the surface and I was stuck in a terrible place...in my head.  He could feel my resistance but didn't stop.  He tried twisting and pulling my nipples.  He grabbed my throat pinning me to the bed.  He wrapped His fist in my hair, pulling my head back and ordered me to cum around His cock. Normally, any or all of these things drive me wild and send me over the edge, but it wasn't working this time. Nothing was working because I wasn't letting it work.  I might as well have been behind the Great Wall of China.

We talked alot afterwards.  He interpreted my actions (or lack of reaction to Him) as resentment.  I tried to explain that it was simply hurt.  Hurt that He hadn't acknowledged His broken promise over the weekend, and hurt that after weeks of not having Him, He seemed so cold.  We went round and round until there was really nothing left to say.  But my words left Him in a quandary.

Does He alter His actions, possibly allowing me to perceive that I have some level of control?

Or does He continue on in the manner that pleases Him and I adjust my expectations, if need be?

It was wise that He chose the latter because as luck would have it, He took me again a couple nights later...in the exact same way.  And apparently, once the air had been cleared and I actually communicated all the crap floating in my head, I was just fine.  This time when He gave the order to cum around His cock, my body responded to Him the way it should.

But just like I have a tendency to do, I hold on to things far too long, fearing that voicing the types of thoughts I have is somehow contrary to being truly submissive.

One of these days, maybe I will learn...but probably not.

favim.com

 

The River's Edge

Yesterday, on New Year's afternoon, Daddy and I went out for a hike.  It was a chilly, overcast kind of day here in the south, but it felt good to be outside and move around, and just be together.

With the river on our left, we followed the sidewalk until it ended and turned into a more subtle woodsy walking trail.  We were also very much alone.  Stopping only briefly to admire a beautiful, old railroad tressel, we then continued on for what seemed like miles until the trail pretty much came to a dead end. 

Standing at the end of the path in this deserted area of the woods, I had such an overwhelming desire to be on my knees and have Him take my mouth, using it solely for His pleasure, but He's not one for taking risks like that, at least not where He's involved.

As we turned to head back, I jokingly commented that someone could dump a body out in this remote area and it not be found for days, hoping to make my point about how alone we really were.

Daddy agreed but wasn't taking the bait. Instead, He replied with "someone could also be forced to come out here and crawl around naked and no one would see that either. Thanks for the idea. I'll have to keep that in mind."  

Me and my big mouth.

The idea of it didn't really bother me.  I only hope it won't be too much to request using   knee pads if He actually decides to make me do that.  LOL

We continued on a little farther and He bent over, picking up a long, thin piece of bamboo that was slightly hidden amongst the dead leaves.  Snapping off about a 3 foot piece, He looked at me with...the look.  You know the one.  The sinister but oh so delicious look that both scares and excites you and reminds you that your ass, and every other tender part of your body, is His.  But thankfully, He assured me it was still too green yet to actually use.

Once we finally made our way back to the more traveled path, He handed me the soon to be cane and told me to carry it...and get used to it's smooth, firm feel. I couldn't feel the flush in my cheeks but He certainly noticed.  

And so 2015 begins....
       

Reflections

As I sit here on the morning of yet another new year, I think about about where I've been, where we've been, and where we are going.  Each year, has brought new struggles, frequent chaos or drama in daily life, but somewhere in all that...we continue to find ourselves and each other.

Despite the craziness of the holiday season (or maybe because of it), I've had more time to be inside my own head than I really care for.  Daddy has been extremely busy with school work which leaves plenty of time for thinking, which I always say can be a good thing and then sometimes, not so much. 

Things have been fairly vanilla, not completely, but comparatively speaking anyways.  And I'm ok with that. At least I did finally get that orgasm in December.

You see, the one thing I have come to realize is that I don't need the "active" D/s dynamic (and all the rules/expectations that come with it), the spankings, or the kinky sex to be happy or fulfilled.  Yes, kinky sex is fun and the dynamic keeps our home running smoothly. But in the couple of years that we have been doing this thing we do, I've think I've learned how to be a more attentive wife, how to communicate my emotions in constructive ways, and for the most part, I've learned what it is that pleases Daddy.  I do my best to stay mindful of all of these things whether the dynamic is in full force or relaxed just because I want Him to be happy and make His life a little bit easier. Of course, I'm still prone to the occasional screw up but honestly, it's never intentional.   

Now, I'm not going to claim that being a slave or submissive is what I was always meant to be or that it even makes me happy, personally.  To constantly put someone else's needs and wants above my own is sometimes downright difficult and causes more frustration and angst than I would like. I can't even claim that submission makes me a less selfish person because eventually all those what about me thoughts start to surface.  And while I may not grumble out loud, the voice in my head sure does.
   
But the reason I say that I don't need this lifestyle, is because it's not something I do for me.  There are all sorts of reasons that people choose to submit.  And personally, I chose to submit for Him and for us, because I want our life together to be as frictionless as possible.

For my own happiness, all I really need is for us TO BE together, to look forward to a long life full of happy memories, and to know that I am loved and wanted.  And honestly, I would have these things whether we had ever discovered this lifestyle or not. 

So here's to another year!  And to all of you that continue to read and follow our adventures, I want to thank you and wish you all great things to come in the New Year!!